the blood
my cuts
the scars....
my withdrawals
this lust
the pills
the spots
the marks he left
these thoughts
my prayers it all reminds me of where i was.
God im so sorry
im so so sorry.
im so in love with you, God..
i know its been awhile.
and im so ashamed
im unworthy at the highest levels.
im so sorry
i never meant to hurt you.
i feel selfish,
angry
guilty
i hate myself God
i need you to change me.
break my walls down
the walls of oppression
the ones imprisoning me
the walls of addiction
Lord break my walls down
i love you God i love you God i love you !!!
i need you
Lord i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you!!!!
....God i know im not perfect, i know im not...
but i know with you i am not just somebody
im not just those cuts
or the scars
or the pills i overdosed
or the marks he left
im not "just" anything with you God...
I AM the daughter of the king of the most high..
and God right now i dont feel like that.
but i feel you drawing close God.
Glory.
glory
glory.
i need your forgivness Lord
i love you

looking into the mirror she doesn't see herself..
she sees the hate she uses to hate herself.. holding her knife
she tells God every night to just take her life.
Day in and day out its never ending...
watching her friends and family grow away
all this time shes spending only feeling like an outcast to herself, sometimes to everybody else...
right now she feels like the ones close are choosing somebody else
like this mirror should show a diffrent reflection.
shes not her self.
looking in the mirror i see brokenness....
through the cracks i see self hate..
i see an addict.
i see somebody always trying to measure up..
i see your never satisfied..
i see myself.

Grace, look at me when i'm talking to you...
looking at you now i see somebody else..
the people say keep looking up
but when your looking up,
its like all you can see is all this *******
and its pulling you down
you know your father is disappointed in you.  
looking at you now i see you trying to do the right thing...
i see you trying so **** hard to feel accepted.
you're in so deep.
i see you feeling like you have to hurt yourself
to just be heard by someone else
i see your cry's through that fake smile.  
...yeah the ones you wont admit
but im looking through you and i see it now....
i see you trying to drowned yourself in all your lies..
there all the same...
saying go die.
i see somebody so insecure that she cant be herself...
i see myself..

Broken friendships
and lifted hearts.
been around me from the very start.
this is nothing new,
but im gonna smile cause i deserve to.
even if along the way tears come
and i find deep down i got to cry too..
this is life and tonight
is the night where i decide
things are gonna be different...
in my life.
whatever that may mean,
im gonna do it
and to you
i will prove it.
through the hard times
i know,
God can do great and amazing things.
that HE is a God who dives head first into
tragedy and devastation WILLINGLY to rescue me...
That He can pull YOU out of the addictions and stand by you through the hurt and the pain...
and to turn you into something beautiful
i am a living testimony of that.
even though things are hard right now...
im gonna smile cause i deserve to.

When you think you see...
You really don't.
All those things you say cause you think you have the control to manipulate me.
...When it just hurts
It's just like you to just stand there kicking dirt in my eyes telling me "just get up!!"
....it's not that easy, and you don't get it. So I guess I gotta point this out so you can understand IT.
"IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE, WHO FEELS LIKE I FEEL?!!"
Feeling stuck like your the only one trying to do the right thing anymore ....
Yet your surrounded by people who worship their sim... Stuck living the lie that you gotta fit it... You guys are tricked into thinking that the way you perform in front of
Your friends is how they decide whether your good enough when really there justnsearching for your flaws...!see I don't know about YOU but I'm tierd of choosing to drag behind someone else's shadow...living behind someone else's desguise I think they call it "living a lie"..see where I'm stuck is, when I'm trying to live for God, I automatically am shot out of the friend zone , ending up that its just me again. Vulnerable and alone. And the whole separating my self and playing piano alone ... Is getting old!! I know they say it won't be easy and it's a "relentless pursuit" but really? See its just like you to walk into my life and point out my flaws like daggers in my chest.. When your the one I am supposed to look up too. But when your not here where I'm at you REALLY don't know just how hard it is!! There is not one person I've met that seems to want the same thing as me...  "IF YOUR OUT THERE, WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE STEP UP!" Cause it's **** hard .. Do you not see my cry? I'm trying!!
But my crystal aren't loud enough... And it feels as though my prayers never leave me... Behind closed doors hoping that if I scream loud enough or cry hard enough MAYBE just MAYBE you'll hear me. Just realizing that you won't cause no ones really listening.... Hoping that if I hide behind this disquise long enough you'll forget who I used to be.. I miss you dad... I haven't seen you in 4 weeks do you hear me now? Friends, will you finally listen?.... Please if you'll just let me speak I will tell you.... Just don't let me speak only to find that your not really listening... How I see it ..... Is... PLEASE STAND UP!! If your striving and hurting please reach out!! Because there's people just like you and me, trying to decide whether to speak or to stay silent.. Cause there stuck finding that when they open up people don't seem to care what they have to say... All I'm asking is IF YOUR DO CARE.
V please stand up and ask me, ask your friends, ask your enemy's cause I hurry tee there's a lot more people "stuck" and hurting .. Just like you and me...

When you think you see...
You really don't.
All those things you say cause you think you have the control to manipulate me.
...When it just hurts
It's just like you to just stand there kicking dirt in my eyes telling me "just get up!!"
....it's not that easy, and you don't get it. So I guess I gotta point this out so you can understand IT.
"IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE, WHO FEELS LIKE I FEEL?!!"
Feeling stuck like your the only one trying to do the right thing anymore ....
Yet your surrounded by people who worship their sim... Stuck living the lie that you gotta fit it... You guys are tricked into thinking that the way you perform in front of
Your friends is how they decide whether your good enough when really there justnsearching for your flaws...!see I don't know about YOU but I'm tierd of choosing to drag behind someone else's shadow...living behind someone else's desguise I think they call it "living a lie"..see where I'm stuck is, when I'm trying to live for God, I automatically am shot out of the friend zone , ending up that its just me again. Vulnerable and alone. And the whole separating my self and playing piano alone ... Is getting old!! I know they say it won't be easy and it's a "relentless pursuit" but really? See its just like you to walk into my life and point out my flaws like daggers in my chest.. When your the one I am supposed to look up too. But when your not here where I'm at you REALLY don't know just how hard it is!! There is not one person I've met that seems to want the same thing as me...  "IF YOUR OUT THERE, WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE STEP UP!" Cause it's **** hard .. Do you not see my cry? I'm trying!!
But my crystal aren't loud enough... And it feels as though my prayers never leave me... Behind closed doors hoping that if I scream loud enough or cry hard enough MAYBE just MAYBE you'll hear me. Just realizing that you won't cause no ones really listening.... Hoping that if I hide behind this disquise long enough you'll forget who I used to be.. I miss you dad... I haven't seen you in 4 weeks do you hear me now? Friends, will you finally listen?.... Please if you'll just let me speak I will tell you.... Just don't let me speak only to find that your not really listening... How I see it ..... Is... PLEASE STAND UP!! If your striving and hurting please reach out!! Because there's people just like you and me, trying to decide whether to speak or to stay silent.. Cause there stuck finding that when they open up people don't seem to care what they have to say... All I'm asking is IF YOUR DO CARE.
V please stand up and ask me, ask your friends, ask your enemy's cause I hurry tee there's a lot more people "stuck" and hurting .. Just like you and me...

Baby your my everything!!
do you realize that i wouldn't want to change you for nothing.
your the A and Z to my Alphabet .
the "L" to my "OVE"
the melody to my verses,
the bird to my wings,
the air that i breath
your like the cherry to my ice cream.
the BEE to my HONEY
and baby,
see i CANT BE with out YOU! ..I!!.......... Love you :)
... i go all Stevie Wonder, when i wonder if i can see ME without you.
i start going crazy if i try to think something else besides YOU and ME.
BOY, its like your TATTOOED to my mind, cause your ALL i can think about :)
Darling,
I'm not ME without YOU.
that's why i know we can whether any storm that the world decides to throw at us... baby were stuck like glue! that's why i know words cant ever tare this love to pieces. I'm yours...and i will forever be :) boy, its you and me :)

Is it just me,
or does it seem like church
isn’t really how God wanted it to be?
They like to expect things of me, that I just cant be.
Im trying but this person hidden deep inside of me got me fighting for a lot of me, looking deep inside of me, only alittle hope left, as far as I can see…
And as far as I can see, wearing snap backs, hoop ear rings, and skinny jeans isn’t a public disgrace, humiliation or the sign of a bad reputation
As long as your seeking, searching, looking for his face
You come to church for meditation
You come to God for worship
Even though you think we are coming here with are own vanity purchase .
Im not trying to hate on my own kind
But im not in with these actors called pastors.
Manipulating woman, doing these things behind the stage,
And AFTER THAT singing a solo on WORSHIP?
Whats next?
That’s backwards.
They might as well be sniffing ******* first..
And if that’s God, then I don’t know HIM
I guess im already in my church clothes

He's on my mind but so are you,
when i think of HIM, i think of YOU
when i see HIM i see YOU!!
its like i'm looking in the same mirror,
and your always right beside me.
you see,
i see how you be trying to be,
trying to disguise yourself as the person
you got me thinking i wanna see...
THE PERSON I WANNA BE........... with...
and now i got him so confused,
searching both ways,
left and right,
crying inside,
not knowing what to do,
hes so confused...
WHO AM I to think of anyone else but you....
to distort and twist my thoughts into something so SICKENING!??
see i know its killing YOU
because its killing ME!
Knowing it doesn't really matter cause either way
no ones really listening...
...but see then i FEEL you....
everything I've ever wanted,
so close i could almost reach you...
to ever leave you,
would only end up in destruction.
all these high hopes i cant see cause there covered up and drugged up in all this filthy lusting...
i wish you'd change...
maybe some day,
but for NOW your to scared....
to scared to trust anyone but yourself...
to think you'd be named filthy and stained
because you've become the one they blame..
...so you pull back....
trying to DISGUISE those feelings you try so hard to hide,
when REALLY your the only one hiding here!!!
NOT your WORDS not NOT your GUILT or your SHAME.
but your HAPPINESS , your JOY and the LOVE you thought would have came....
but it didn't......
now most of you's left in your past,
chained up and ******* dragging behind your LIES.
the ones your pretended you couldn't SEE,
and the ones you tried so hard to ignore and push behind you,
hoping you could find away to just WALK AWAY
from your MISTAKES you call ME...
but we both KNOW,
there's one thing stopping you.....
cause you know,
when your all alone in your bedroom....
there's nothing you can leave behind,
or push out of your mind..
because its just you..
your forced to face the truth that your not over me...
..and I'M not OVER  you....
so stop pulling back ...
become the man God per-destend you to BE....
so i can stop thinking about you,
and you can stop thinking about ME....
cause in the END it doesn't really matter..
..cause no ones really listening

TODAY I WANT TO MAKE AN EFFORT
AN EFFORT TO BE THE CHANGE
Today is a new day,
Im gonna try my best to make it.
Because right now I don’t feel very STRONG…
Like im dwelling in all this fear
Wrapped up, trapped up in all my WRONG..
Lookin at everyone around me,
These people who know,
When they go HOME,
Its nothing more than two fists and twenty rounds of PATRON….
But for all I know, I cant stop IT,
Except for walk around and do my best to bless others before
Their to discouraged and drop IT..
Cause what better day to do it then today.
Tomorrow is just to late.
for all I know the one on my right
could be contemplating suicide..

You close your eyes
Stuck in position,
You’ve been walken on this timeline for years…
...open conviction!
Feeling torn and broken
never feel important enough to step up,
so instead your insecure
and step down.
you Go to the wrong things to ease your pain,
using it like a crutch.
Unconditional love,
got you locked out of His focus.
ONCE its over
just something else starts!
You think you’ve got it all figured out!
But you don’t!
you have hopes for useless dreams…
..dreams of worship and song,
you don’t think you can acturally achieve that do you?
….your father never did
Your not smart, you barly pass school…
your just a mediocre singer…
remember when you drowned in your own self pity
and drank down the liqur you stole?
You cant even control your own temper,
you cheater, you thief!
You call yourself a Christian?
Please your nothing better than a lost sheep….
…..to bad the person im talking about is really
..ME.

Now is the time to rejoice!
Now is the time for singing!
Stop holding back,
Be FREE
And dwell in Gods love :)
be FREE
give up your worry and your doubt
All who are weak,
You will find strength in God, alone
Find strength and
Be FREE!
push aside insecurity,
Your not a lost sheep....
find identity in Christ
All who are hopeless
You who are covered in a dull mixture of tears and darkness
Be lifted up in Christ.
And embrace your identity in Him.

God help us
...I was a fool...
I heard you loud and clear
To remember
My resolution, and my
Goals.... But
I ignored you.... And I
Continued to follow
In my own sinful
Desires.
What can I do, Lord
Please forgive me,
I don't want to be a fool, God!
I want to honor you
In all my ways!!
But I guess it's
Hard sometimes....

In my deepest moments
i can feel the fear rushing in
i can feel my pain is rising up
i can feel my doubt
coming in faster than ever
and i can feel the weight
of all the words holding me up
by my throat
Giving me no room to breath
and i can feel the hope
leaving me!
these things that used to make me happy
are the only reason for these tears....
yes, i know how it feels
when youve dug yourself so deep
in regret that you cant see....
.... the joy thats been stripped from your life.....
and see
its only harder when
you dont even listen to .....
a word i say
it doesent make it easier
when you dont EVEN KNOW WHO I AM...
ANYMORE....
but when i finally hit my limits
i realize,
that theres a hope beyond
this... crazy pain.
that even in the mist
of your devastation
even in the depths
of your pain,
EVEN in the middle
of your fear,
even in the loneliness of your past,
EVEN
in the loudest
shouting of your crys
in the times
when your pain......
brings your only comfort
...there is yet a hope left uncoverd

looking down deep into the floor
i feel the stinging bite of my shame and guilt
her threating words
play over
...and over in my head
my eyes searching for some good reason for this...
there is none
you brought up my past,
to use as your own filthy defense...
you point out me weaknesses and empower me with the things i do not know
so YOU can be lifted up by others, and feel the joy of watching me suffer..
ZAM!!
another stinging shock goes through my body,
slowly killing me with every ******* word you say
can you say, you really dont realize the pain thats shooting through my veins,
pounding at my chest, bringing me to the floor....
i see my pain,
i see yours...
****...why you?

im so sick of screaming into my pillow, and banging my fist into my bed... making a reck of myself
so sick of playing stupid mind games to keep from thinking about it...
im so sick of acting like im okay with never seeing you....
so sick of trying to keep these tears from coming, and when they do
im so sick of hiding them behind closed doors
....biting down on my cloths so no one can hear me
daddy the only place i wanna be is in your arms....
i hate this.....
what will take this anger away?
so sick of not being able to write about anything else...
but you,
you don't even know this blog exists.
so sick of holding a grip on the poles of my head board that my hand goes numb,
hoping if i hold on long enough,
if i scream loud enough,
...cry hard enough...
that maybe i wont care anymore.
she said forget it, it wont happen... you'll never see him anymore then you do now..
do you not see how happy i am when im with him..
only one word of her saying yes could fix this...
nothing else...
and im so sick of it!
so i run....
run away
tell she cant find me
tell she forgets my existence
im sure it wouldn't be hard for her to do  
i run far away
until
i finally
become reunited
with you again.
ill run until i can jump into your arms
tell i can tell you how much ive missed you
and wonderd when i could see you again...
i would tell you
..that i love you
and i would never want to leave..
mom dont make me leave....
let me stay with my dad
ill be okay
please...
listen to me
i need this
i need him, with me..
please?