i love you dad,
and i love her to
but i wish it was just you and me again
when we could just talk for hours... about our dreams of going on mission trips together all over the world...
of making a CD together...
i wish you wernt so busy..
i wish you were with me all the time...
you understand me like no one else does..
i miss the days when it was just you and me.
when we would sit side by side playing piano and watch the angels dance before us to our glorious melody...
when we would go on bike rides through town and dance on the side of the streets like no one was watching.....
believe me i am thankful for the times we have now with your new wife..
but its not the same!
when she left and it was just you and me we talked about our dreams for hours like we used to!
and we sang together.....like we used to... it was so great
but then she came back
and she was yours again...not mine
and the talks of dreams quickly faded
and our melodys quickly died..
i miss how it used to be daddy
when your all by your self and you ponder your thoughts i wonder if you do sometimes?
because i know i do....
but soon enough its time for me  to leave
as i walk out the door i look over my shoulder
and i see you and her laughing.......
....just like we used to
...for hours
but i keep walking because i know your happy
and you deserve to be
i know lifes really coming together for you with the ministry....
and the CD and your wife
just dont forget to dream with me.... dont forget to sing with me to the angels....
like how it used to be

your actions dont match what you preach
in fact its the ******* opposite....
where is this "love" you constantly talk about?
where is the "grace" you say we are suppose to show?
you wonder why were not like a family?....because of hurtful words like those...
you play your act well up front but behind the scenes you falsely accuse others..
yet your a leader in church?
you speak of love and hope yet you show others no grace!
you tell others to be kind and gentle yet you shove darts by my ears and hold me by my throat
who are you to judge?
who are you to be a leader?
this is why i go to judah praise... this is why i struggle going back every time... this is why its hard to get involved because everytime i try they dont need me, why? because im just some messed up teenager.
stop thinking of me like that!
stop putting these labels on me, it hurts!
and STOP EXPECTING ME TO MESS UP!
i thought this was a hopspital for the sinners... not a party for the saints?
God....
i dont wanna play church anymore!
i am serious about my passion for god! but stop pushing me aside.... telling me im worthless...
you do so much to just get the show ready your forgetting that gods not in the picture its you controling it.... dont you realize worship is more than just reading a sheet of music?
dont you see?
you spend so much time practicing and practicing, its just to performance oriented for me..
it may work for some but not for me... i just want to be FREE! is that so much to ask? is anyone just FREE anymore??
i dont see it... not here..
who are you to bash my fathers name!
you dont even know him! all you know of him is what you think you know and what you go on gossiping to others after service!
you dont know what my fathers been through!
hes the only one who still keeps me going!
hes the only one who understands me and will acturally listen to me!
do you not understand that?
why does this happen in church?

What am i doing?
As i am pacing i wonder
he feels so good, yet its so wrong....
i cant help but want him this badly..
who am i? ..willing to do just about anything for him to show any kind of affection.
But you see, he would just be playing with a toy
because to him, thats all i represent
but i love him so i let him through me around
and stuff me in a toy box full of other used, dusty broken toys as he goes on playing with a new one he found because he got tierd of me...
so i just wait and watch as he thinks this used toy doesent see..

Shots were fired, skimming her ears...
down in the shallow alleys lay her two friends...****** and tortured...
it could have been  her... shattered with her guilt covered in leather
cracked and in beaded with black studs hanging off her belt, added with a past hidden with an abandoned daughter it was her........ " see where ive come dad! see what ive become!"  she crys
she looks down at a rain puddle viewing her reflection..
"who am i?"
hopeless she ponders her thoughts of her father and she remembers te night she saw her mom get shot...she remembers the day he showed her how to use a gun...
"im worthless now!" she crys again..
"is there ANY hope for me God? the one who could barly step foot out of a jail.... for me?
God said " yes even in you, there is still hope.."