she said i'm a monster
but i'm pretty sure i'm nothing.

another one said she'd always be there for me,
but hasn't spoken to me since.

there's this one i talked out of killing herself
the night she lost her virginity...

she wants me dead.

there's one that begged me to take her
but we had drank too much.

i carried her to bed instead
and we slept it off.

there's the one who killed herself
because she thought i rejected her...

i think she got the better end of the deal.

my first love left me for a guy who had a bike
while i only had a skateboard.

karma doesn't exist.

if it did,
this whole world would be up in flames.

with lies i'd prefer to believe
than the reality

with snow i swept
rather than the dust i kicked

with another layer of skin
i have no need for this

with the promises kept
rather than the betrayals

with ***** that only touched casks
rather than the wine that touched lips

in water (it's honest)
rather than earth (it lies)

with a thousand soft whispers
not the empty threats

with the love i once felt
rather than the violence i know

and etch on the tombstone
"it's about ******* time!"

i'm not empty.
i tell myself i'm not a void.

as soon as you left,
i let my guard down.

it's your fault you missed it.

as i'm analyzing the blood-splatter,
i see traces of your other victims' faces.

the crime i'm paying for is not my own.

if something made me,
it must have seen this coming.

i feel sorry for her,
the one that hasn't arrived yet.

i withdrew before she was even an idea.
if i didn't, i'd make a mess of things.

apathy, too, my friends
is a form of self-defense.

the cage has its qualities.

there is air.
they bring me water.

but the key is buried under a pile
of madness, regrets, and disillusion.

and in that heap,
no love is found.

after you **** it away too many times,
it retreats away,
and you're never to find it again.

the cage has a poor-quality plastic lock.
and i think i can break it with screams.

but it just screams back.

when i close my eyes,
all i hear is laughter.

everyone is elated
for the hedonist's deserved fate.

and i drink to them,

for my failure goes hand in hand with theirs.

without noise, i'd have nothing to block out the regrets.
without noise, i'd have nothing to block out the failures.

we sleep in each others' arms.
enjoying the cacophonous solitude.
i'd have no answers, nor questions.

i'd be at peace.

but i'd miss my friend who balanced me.

the girls want reason.

the boys want prizes.

when do we take inventory?

the blood, or the time, or the hope?

the only winners here are the ones that annulled their pride.

and i'm at the back of the class....... again.

scouting another victim.

or is she scouting me?

when we play to lose,
the "winner" never wins.

there's a masterpiece of checks and balances

but i fail to see

if you won,
or if i lost.

note to james from ex friends & lovers:

we forsake you.

you have let us down
time & time again
remember that time you said you'd grow up?

we're as loyal to you as you are to us
how's it feel?

to be burned
and tread upon

tied to the cross
and all the reckless abandon

we raised our glasses
and crossed our horns

void of hope
and at the end of your rope

shed the dead skin
and the old soul
you can't reinvent yourself
and all the wasted adrenalin

we don't mind the bad feelings
or the negative thoughts
as long as you remember
that mountains can't be moved
or you can't battue dreams

ah, the dreams
forlorn love
and missed opportunities
battered to something meaningless

as dismal as the terrain you've explored
we've left it like we found it

a landscape less ignored