i wanted validation
you wanted attention

i think i won that round

but when your pride was in danger
watch out...

well, you won, for whatever reason
are you happy?
do you sleep better?

you won.

but it's empty.

you won for affirmation.
i lost for vengeance.

who won?

and who lost?

I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly to prate.
I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned.
Since from myself another self I turned.

My care is like my shadow in the sun,
Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it,
Stands and lies by me, doth what I have done.
His too familiar care doth make me rue it.
No means I find to rid him from my breast,
Till by the end of things it be supprest.

Some gentler passion slide into my mind,
For I am soft and made of melting snow;
Or be more cruel, love, and so be kind.
Let me or float or sink, be high or low.
Or let me live with some more sweet content,
Or die, and so forget what love e’er meant.

- Queen Elizabeth I

he woke up with his body burnt,
gasoline still pouring over his face.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!", he
asked to someone, anyone that would answer.

noone did.

he spent the next years trying to remember
any ties he had.
either to a material or emotional world.

they never came.

it could only be deduced that he was forgotten.
forsaken.

and left to live out his life in a meat-pie construct.

remember when they said they wanted to "**** your mind"?

that doesn't matter anymore either.

"without a physical capability, you're no use to us".
(WORK! FIGHT! DANCE! DO SOMETHING!)

these thoughts.... shiver.
until he understands the gravity of them.

one amounts to the exact amount of product he gives.

and once a man can't assemble.........

between the grey and dull days,
they were silver.

sparkling like all the things i said i'd get you.

but refunded.
always refunded.

the stores and i had a misunderstanding...

"but she CHEATED ON ME!"
"i'm sorry, sir. no refund."

and so i got protective of my expenditures,
material or not.
but i spent more time, emotion and trust in you...

but it was all for naught.

no matter what i bought.
it wouldn't bring you to visit me now.

you're done.

regard me in a high level of terror
as the hedonist who pulled down the shades
when the enemy stopped to shave,
enthralled by the way the beautiful girl turned
through darkness and water and sand;

regard me as the one who laughed
when the spider caught fire in the radio
and the owl retreated
grabbing mice and bulls and ornaments;

regard me as the one who drank
cigarette butts and played Solitaire with God
as the poison violins floated in the air;

regard me as the one
who made all the astute observations
no one else would
(or were too afraid to);

regard me as the one
who loved as fiercely as he fought.
who paid so much attention
it killed me;

regard me, even as dead, more alive than
many of the living.
and regard me, as i fumble with words,
regard me as nothing.
so we may have peace

and forget i ever happened.

we were through everything together
road trips
infidelity
children

at first it seemed like the most well-laid plan
but eventually it began to disintegrate

at first you seemed unattainable
then un-detachable

we both moved on
but i only moved on physically

at one point we stopped speaking to each other
what went wrong?
there were so many factors

remember when you said:
"get it out of your system"?

i'm not sure i still have
when i'm at my lowest, i still toy with emotions
my favorite game is emotional blackjack

what happened to us?
is like the headlights on the dark roads we traveled
we were always headed to a possible void

i keep trinkets and keepsakes
i don't know why
they all keep me bound to the past

chained to times i do/do not wish to remember

at one time, i asked:
"you don't have any doubts, do you?"
you said "no"
but that was the beginning of our downfall

entrenched in memories and visuals
chained to obligatory well wishes

we don't kiss
or even shake hands

what happened?

i never meant to hurt you.

only to play.

and that came at a great cost.

more than all of the shiny things i would've bought you.

and now you have your prize,
and i have my cross.

are we even?