Stop worrying.
I know I'm destroying myself for you

let me.
.
Believing all the lies
just because I wished they were true.
sitting in the bathtub, staring at my scars
seeing how my ribs poke out just for you

cortisol in overdrive.

Stop telling me to eat
I want to be skinny for you.
You love the colors black and purple
so you paint them across my neck
only because I asked

Stop asking if I'm ok.
I want you to be happy
I love the feeling of acid eating at my teeth
My dyed hair falling out
you said you liked that color
so I like it too

smoke and *****.

Stop worrying
I'm numb
I can't feel the pain
so let me be everything you want
I don't know anything
I'm nothing

dissociated.

Stop asking me to stop
I don't know what I'm doing
its ok
give in.
take all of me
because I know nothing else

Stop crying
I made this for you
I put myself in this perfect mold
and maybe if I stay in it long enough, it'll start to fit

mesmerizing.
the blood dripping down my arm
that's what you like, don't you?

Stop feeling bad
I shut it all off
mindless.
I'm nothing. take it
I was something, but I'm too tired for that now
breathe. My fingers are turning blue.
It's ok

I'm hungry and hollow and numb.
So I will be your sanctuary
I will be your home and your refuge
I will be your basement where everything is allowed to go wrong
I will be the cellar full of bones and dust
I will wait and help cover up the blood

I'm angry and empty
let me let you fill the void
let me be nothing when I need to be
and everything when it all falls
let me help you find the beauty in the dark parts
let me help you be ok with it when everything seems to catch fire

I will be anything you need me to be
if you'll let me be anything but myself

Beaten vines and mushrooms
Growing where I once was
Now broken bones and ****
Organs long gone,

eaten by whatever horrors could find them
Someone new trying to sew the cuts closed,
Only to leave bigger ones behind
Eyes gouged out and tendons torn
Waiting for you

Vultures circle,
scaring off the swarm
Thread ripped out, refusing to heal

Run.

Thoughts decomposing with the rest
Voices salvaging what they can but it's no use
Not to them
The mosquitoes don't care for fear
But all the blood is long gone
Rib cage full of snails and joints of gum
Wrappers and liquor covering what once was

Run.

Rain filling the holes and bones long stained by sun
Shattered fingers, a warning
Once you're here
They won’t let you leave
you can’t ever
go back

Run.

Can you die
if you never existed in the first place?
will the thoughts that aren't mine ever leave?
living a lie
with rusty nails holding my soul in one piece
Doctors hoping to see what I swore was there
bruised flesh covering my own to show a person that isn't me
loving a ghost who never died
but isn't quite alive

I want to be a person again
a person of my own, no longer
splitting life between the people that make me up
carefully sewn thread piecing so many souls together
unable to remember
what did I do when I wasn't me?
Will I miss my voices when they're gone?
clocks ticking ticking ticking
tears not from me
they want to be heard too
and I want to let them

Yellow roses in fields where they play,
hoping I'd join them
I'm here but I'm there too
a kiss with a ghost I don't want to leave
but I can't live until they do
I don't want my voices to leave

blue
is supposed to be
a sad color,
a calm color
the color of gentle waves and tears

but with you

blue was my happy color
the color of your excited eyes,
your favorite flowers
the blueberries you loved,
so dearly
and when we kissed
you left me
in a haze of
wonderful blue