Something we trust
So much
There's no telling what
This feeling in our gut
Means anymore
So much fake lore
Littered like plastic
No way to match it
Washed on every beach
Cooked into every feast
Burned into our skin
A sick new fashion
To oppress the oppressed
We can fix this mess
Stop going to mass
Get your head out of your ***
Experience something real
Help so others can heal
Because you won't understand
Never comprehend
But those sick *****
Are nothing but cucks
You don't need to be the same
Recognize who's to blame

Neuron pathways build and vanish
Supposedly to ensure survival
They always leave me famished
For a new kind of revival

Why do they cast out new ideas?
Keeping overthinking and anxiety?
If change can happen to Pangea
Please let it happen to me

Not what I have worked so hard for
Not the things I have said or done
Just this horrible gut feeling before
I stare too long at the blazing sun

I want to turn back time
I want to turn back
I want to turn
I want to
I want
I
I need
I need to
I need to find
I need to find an
I need to find an answer

We were both only human
We were both only
We were both
We were
We
We had
We had something
We had something then

You were in the wrong
You were in the
You were in
You were
You
I
I was
I was in
I was in the
I was in the wrong

Someday the reasons might be dug up
From the mess we made
But if it never is, I’ll still grab the *****

Groundhogs day
2006-2024
These lines run parallel within inches
Or centimeters or
These poems reflect the past
Never ending never changing
Just shifted formats to show
The process I call aging
Lost context and definitions
Artistic expression turned wrong
Never created anything meaningful
No point in it all along
Focus on a feeling or emotion
Felt thousands of times before
These lines run parallel within centimeters
Or millimeters or
Give detail to one thing
Neglect any nuance
Forget complexity
Identify as a savant
Groundhogs day
2006-2024
My life runs parallel within millimeters
Changing nevermore

Was I really such a big presence
Some major force to reckon with
When I put my thoughts down?

I both felt pride and shame
And maybe a little more pride
From sharing why I frown

I wrote and wrote and wrote
I bled words from my fingers
And vomited rhyme schemes

But since I stopped writing
I’ve felt both fulfilled and empty
Showing my emotions with ease

Did I grow out of this artistic phase
That I always though I’d be in?
Who is to say?

It may come back, this may be a fluke
We’ll see in time or maybe not
Hopefully one day

But I’ll try not to be as depressing this time

My memory consists of snapshots
Overused references and sad lyrics
Paper mill smells and ladybugs
And constant blisters from drumsticks

I've been working on training myself
To see the good and beautiful times
But everyone has those bad thoughts
I just can't seem to get over mine

I got through the family confusion
Of who's cousin and who's uncle
I got through my granny overdosing
And holding family while they're knees buckled

I got through multiple heart breaks
Through the constant abuse towards my mother
I got through my ears causing sleep paralysis
And everyone's hate towards each other

But everything comes back to you
Without you even saying a word
I can't keep it together when I'm alone anymore
Because you're far away, in the dirt

I've forgiven and changed myself
From the hateful child I was before
But I should have seen the signs
Should have taken care of you more

I should have stayed
I should have stayed
**** my life, I should have stayed

Thirty one lines
Is all I need
To satisfy the poet in me
The creative, but repetitive side
That no one needs to see
**** satisfying it
It hasn't helped me cope
With love, loss, and sanity
Or even anger, sadness, and hope
It's only helped itself
My voice doesn't even want to be involved
It just mumbles and mispronounces words
Like a ****
And my heart rate increases
Around any girl it finds viable
For love, loss, and sanity
For what my poet side should have been doing
My overthinking hinders wit
And compliments
Instead to people I barely know
By me just being polite
**** that definition
**** everything about love now
I never knew what it meant
And I've destroyed the word
Burnt it to the ground
By rambling on about the same girl
That I ruined
And who ruined me
Actually, probably only the second part
Although I'm sure I helped her

Have I been enjoying the last 9 years?
Surrounding myself with things I don't need
Like memories of when I was 13 and in love
With the thought of what now disgusts me

I obsessed too much
And then a bit more
About how I'll impress
Every girl I adored

But I latched on too tight
And ****** up my life

Why didn't anyone teach me
How to chill the **** out?
Instead of wanting and not telling
What the hell was that about?
I expected her to read my mind
And not waste 5 years of my life

I said in the beginning
That I would stay neutral
Lose my voice
My mind
My heart
So no one would hate me
So I wouldn't make mistakes

But I make mistakes every day
And I know at least someone out there hates me

My body is punishing me
For the change in weather
Just like what my mind did
The months after we were together

I rebuilt myself with help
From nothing and everything
But my heart still beats for you
And trust me, it's terrifying

Frustration from this hopeless love
Can never be fully diminished
If there was a blue flame, it's red now
Against everything I've wished

Although I crave a companion
To embark on this treacherous journey
I'll always have your ghost near
So why bother trying to be happy?

I don't need it
I don't ******* need it
Strip the flesh from my bones
Maybe then I can bleed it

The torment from past decisions
Letting emotions become my demons
Hiding within myself the only key
To accepting that I'm just a person

I can bleed all of it out
So people know what I'm talking about
When I tell them I understand
That I'm in that same pit of doubt

A moment I did not attend
A loss I still can't comprehend
A lifestyle I unknowingly defend
But always will up until the end

Sons always protect their mothers
And this one is just like any other
If I am a reincarnation of another
I will strive to be like her brother

By being there when others are not
Bringing back hope when it was left to rot
Showing you can still love after having fought
For something that should have never been a thought

When she needs to rant about school
Describe how her new quilt is "so freaking cool"
Worry her outlets aren't proper fuel
To a fire that consumed every other tool

I will be there to remind her, above all
That it's perfectly normal

My eyes are imaginative
At least the ones in my head
They don't look for anyone else but you
Even the back of my eyelids
Still paint your face with ease
The songs I associated with you
Only use teamwork and build lies to my heart
You see
My emotions are horses
Galloping, grazing, and resting with joy
But always alert to danger
Wait
My emotions are never alert
They fall for girls with pretty eyes
Soft voices
Gentle frames
Touches so hot they melt my skin and soul
But my mind keeps the center cold
For when you come back into my life
So it lies to my heart
"They will only break you down"
"They hide their fangs well"
Whipping it back into submission
I want to gallop
To sing and dance
To love again
**** my paranoid and delusional mind

Pull back
Stop trying
It's not working
You're slowly dying

Wait for her
Focus on your life until then
Your back needs to relax before
You try to bend it backwards again

But don't show frustration
Insecurity or loneliness
She doesn't deserve that treatment
Be just as independent as she is

Make your mind focus on your life
You can still be interested but not clingy
You aren't on the ******* Titanic
Just a low-class and broken down dingy

Wait for her to respond
Even if it's just for new plans
Don't let your mind be the devil
For these idle hands

Stub your toe on the border
Of what my words have constricted you to
Everyone else updated their passports
And took the nearest plane in view

They build and shelter
But ultimately suffocate
So why is it that you stay?
Not making an attempt to relocate?

I arrange my words like a foundation
Thinking at any second you'll tear it down
But you've been using your love as adhesive
Working alongside me without a sound

You don't see our life
As an overfilled notebook
I've been fabricating your opinion
When trust was all it took

I spread my words messily now
Like a kid enjoying chocolate too much
Fear of departure is absent now
All I can look forward to is your touch

Beginnings are hard, right?
Especially after eons of repetition
Fingers curl, bend, and break
At all the right angles
To either hold the utensil
Or press the keys on the keyboard
Always just using muscle memory

Imititating the smile you burned into my mind
Your laughter echoing in my ears
Your touch so enticing
Yet so distant and unforgiving
Intimacy with others seemed mute
No matter what I told myself

Now those thoughts are flooding back
Filling every orifice
Every aperture
Every stuck up synonym for a hole
I'm drowning in the same situation
But in a different face
A different smile I've never seen
A different laugh I've grown accustomed to
A different touch that I lust after
I need
I want
I have to work towards

Will I lose myself like before?
I tried and failed a couple times
Almost succeeded, but never quite
I have blunt permission to love
And be loved by
That should be enough, right?
Will these fingers curl for someone else
With the same elegance as before?
The same bends
Same curves
Same angles
Will those help me describe her curves?
Her bends
Her angles

I can write my heart out about
My love for her personality
But that ****** up every time before
These fingers need to improve
In their muscle memories
In their beginnings
**** me, they're hard

"Beer. Trucks. ****."
"If you have money
I'll give you what you need."
"My spirit animal is Garfield."
"I'm a juggernaut
In love's battlefield."**

How can you narrow your life down
To 150 characters or less?
I do that every time I write
About how my life is a mess

Structure is what I lack in life
So I maintain it in my art
Does that mean I've grown stale?
Souring people's mouths like tarts?

I haven't had a full meal in weeks
No one else shares my space in the sheets
My love is stretched but still poignant
Can I just hire a ******* clairvoyant?

Have I described enough?
Or am I still chock full of secrets?
Something I'll always regret
Is never knowing that stuff

Dumbing down my English vocabulary
My teachers would be so proud of me

Every word is a brick
Fortifying the border
I cannot afford but alas
It'll help keep order

Everything in me is screaming
"Don't block us out, fix us instead"
Not realizing this is directed at me
I drain thoughts from my head

These ideas need controlling
Not roped in like a bull
Don't **** it off and leave
Grab the horns and fight the pull

Then maybe this wall
Will crumble and fall

And I might actually be ok

Every collection of pixels
Programmed onto the screen
Every line of sulphur
Etched into scraps of dead trees

I still can't make my hands big enough
To grasp the relationships I always crave
My tongue is no match for my hands
And not even the way that I need to behave

I just always left lust behind
In the pursuit of emotional connections
Now this empty bed plagues my dreams
And what's on the nightstand? Rejection

But definitions have become twisted
My love is still compared to the first
And now my throat knows of no other
It always has this ******* thirst

Can lust finally catch up to me?
Is that a bad subject for my pleas?

It's hard to tell
If I should feel hatred towards anything
Should I start from the beginning?
Would that help?

Should I be mad towards my parents
For loving one another but apparently not enough?
There are infinite definitions of the emotion love
Who am I to judge their past intent?

Should I be mad towards myself
For halting the progress they both worked towards?
They would both tell me with conviction that those words
Are just bad for my mental health

Should I be mad towards the world
For ******* my life into where I am now?
My happiness has elevated past the highest cloud
My smile never curls downward

Should I be mad towards the past
For constantly occupying my entire thought process?
It never helps to dwell on mistakes and losses
Even if they pile up way too fast

Should I be mad towards the present
For shifting my actions without my permission?
I can't always see today as an inescapable prison
Though it's difficult to live in the moment

Should I be mad towards the future
For making me question and doubt everything?
People have died having that way of thinking
I will too if I continue, I'm sure

I feel the need to have hatred
Towards literally anything I can find
But my life's perfect in my own mind
Clearly, by what you've just read

So what was the point of this?
Probably to bring out my inner neautralness

Self-esteem has never been
A strong suit of mine
Either I have too much or not enough
Wait
The right definition is hard to find

But I'd rather constantly question
My worth to the rest of the universe
Than struggle with the digestion
That no one wants me to be heard

So I write, I yell, I scream
Rhyme literally everything
And crack jokes so I never take myself seriously

So I never have a case of froideur

When I was a young boy
Alive and well in the north
I was always quite annoyed
By the silence brought forth

From the graveyard down the street
And the weights tied to my feet

When I was a young man
Broken but happy in the south
My future was devoid of plans
By the silence from my mouth

Protecting my feelings from others
Always trying not to be a bother

When I become who I aspire to be
The man that can be loved without fear
Will the past come back to haunt me?
Destroy all the people I hold dear?

I'll silence every doubt in my heart
After all, I've known silence from the start

This keyboard has never felt more like home
When it bridges the 500 miles between us
I use to be so confident behind my vocabulary
But now these notebooks are all gathering dust

Repetition is my only skill now
But it's the only thing you're used to
I want to show you the secrets I hide
But I guess I don't know them too

I don't care if the time of year is coincidental
To the way I'm trying to change who I am
I still have to fulfill the promise I made
To improve this ******* I built with these two hands

I'm done questioning myself and my motives
They're what brought me to this point in time
The world's going to need a new pair of pants
After my body's clock has it's last chime

Lost friends and family scar me
Destroying walls and replacing them
Dwelling on the past is unhealthy
But so is picking up this ******* pen

So many lives are better
Because of my presence
The mistress I desire, I cannot get her
Fearful of the thought of my absence

My shoulders strain with the weight
Of the lives I vowed to care for
Happiness always seems to dissipate
When loved ones are left behind locked doors

My life needs to be my priority
My emotions in front of my needs
So no one tries to show me pity
And I'm not left to cry and plead

Appreciation and love is all I can give
I will hold you dear and not change
Our closeness in this old life I live
No matter the distance or vocal range

Clouds gather and darken
Stretching out over the open water
Full of broken souls and shattered dreams
Without someone to warn them

The wind howls and gains strength
Curling the waves into tsunamis
Sand littered with shards of seashells
Amplify the storm's growing wavelengths

Water licks at your toes and you shiver
Your face sullen with doubts and regrets
The rain pulls you closer to the edge
Screaming out the happiness you couldn't deliver

Before you let the tempest take you
I grab your wrist and part the clouds
The sun shows faintly, inviting peace and serenity
Your eyes dilate but transfix on the view

"I can show you a world where you can be free"
I tell you while I guide you towards the grass
"Let me shield you from this madness, and I swear
I'll fight my whole life for you to be happy"

The rain stops, the wind dies
Flowers bloom and sweeten the air
Our world can be like this forever
As long as I'm yours, and you're mine

We're laying down the soil
Carefully, before the roots start to grow
And we'll nurture this on that day, and
For the rest of it's life, so

Why do we question each other?
It's healthy but seems reclusive
That we focus on ourselves
And try not to be more intrusive

Maybe that's what's best for us
We can tend to individual leaves
And when we meet back at the stem
We can discuss what's up our sleeves

Let's just try not to distance too far out
To where we pull too much sunlight
This needs to be an equal partnership
So this flower can withstand the night

But, right now, let's focus on the dirt

I'm supposed to write something sad, right?
Something really depressing, but relate able
That's the theme I've been riding on lately
Unless someone else finds that debatable

That's what I thought

Surprisingly, I'm not in that mood
And probably won't be for a long time
So these might get happy and cheesy again
But, don't worry, they'll at least still rhyme

The reason for this shift is quite simple
But the most complex thing I've ever seen
To think this all started with a swipe
And her attention being in my dog more than me

I'll explain more in time, I'll quench that thirst
But I need to enjoy this first

Screams of terror
Slices through the silence
As the free fall
Plays out in sluggish seconds

I need a new upgrade
From this heart inside my torso
One that actually stays put
And doesn't always want to show

I'm falling into the same waters
I worked so hard to escape from
The difference is I can stop this
Change this heart for something numb

The real question is
Why don't I?

I wrote about her
It was always for her

I'm only twenty years old
With one tragedy to claim my own
And I act as though I'm battle-worn
When the real threat was never shown

I've ruined my vision of love
With the memories of our destructive ways
I'm broken and falling under
Slowly trying to replicate our escapades

I never want to feel that passion
If it's towards you, and only you
But I need what we had together
This haze is difficult to see through

I wrote about you
It was always about you
I destroyed my future for a chance
**A ******* chance

How did you get in here?
Did you tip the bodyguard?
I can't think of anything else
Getting in was supposed to be hard

I had always thought that
If you came back into my life
I would welcome you with open arms
And forget about my emotional strife

But now that you've casually claimed
My memories like they're a priceless object
I'm left to wonder if bringing you back in
Is something I should just learn to accept

The door was locked and sealed
And the fence filled with barbs
So, how did you get back in?
That was supposed to be hard

Most good things start in the summer
It's the teenager's romantic dream
But, to me
Summer's not all what it's cracked up to be
I'm but a stone's throw away
From what I want most in my world
But, the mood doesn't seem set
And my love has grown bored
I try to entertain it, like I entertain everyone else
I find that
The entertainers can never act serious
You find my poems funny and cheesy
But I'm trying to make them inventive and mysterious
I've grown accustomed to the cold weather
There are too many love birds in the spring
And I hate the warm feelings from the sun
And the loneliness it selfishly brings
I want your warmth, not Helios's
But, only through winter do we need it
I want my breath to exchange with yours
But, only in winter would you see it
If you love summer more than winter
Then I believe I'm at a stalemate
I will learn to love the summer
But, don't expect me to NOT show any hate
For the sun mocks me in the most horrific ways
And that's just in the first phase

Whenever you're around
There doesn't seem to be enough oxygen
Whenever you're around
The happiness I have breaks through from within

The sun supplies the human race with life
But it spews out the recipe for beauty
I guess you must have created that recipe
Because you are five times more than just a cutie

When you're not around
I'm trying to think of clever stanzas
When you're not around
Everyone but me seems like their at a Quanza

The message I'm trying to send
Is seeming really forced and fake
But, that's because all these emotions I feel
Are way more than I can take

When I try to talk to you
I can't find the right words in my head
But, then I think about it later
And I beat myself for all of the stuff left unsaid

I can usually interpret my thoughts
But, you've made them as dysfunctional as Cleverbot

7 a.m.

The familiar sound of singing robots
Wakes me from my mummified state
Postpone instead of dismiss yet again
Did I pick the couch or recliner today?

Stumble into the pitch black bedroom
And fumble around for my uniform
My eyes only adjust when I am finished
So I can perform the morning norm

I love yous and kisses are exchanged
Between multiple people in the house
Before everyone leaves to their jobs
Or tries to remember their sheep count

7 a.m.

The sounds of deep sleep and coughing
Accompanied by the touch of your body
Only become clear after a different alarm
And multiple beings having to go "*****"

You walk back in and start your routine
While I watch with infinite fascination
And as you finish I start mine as well
You starting your annual salutations

So multiple people perform the kisses
And I love yous like any ordinary day
It might be the poet in me but I swear
I would never want it any other way

Let's try to be subtle
About the fuckery that happened here
BECUASE OF COURSE I COULDN'T DO ****
Except be torn apart by fear

It's obvious only he could fix
Whatever the **** was wrong with you
You didn't give me a ******* chance
To try and be ******* concerned too

You are insecure and emotional
I understand and will accept that
But you know I'm insecure myself
And now I feel like I've fallen flat

When I can't do ANYTHING to help
You know I feel so ******* useless
But look at you now, only listening to him
Shoving my feelings aside into a big mess

I need to accept and cater to your emotions
But you need to do the same for me
Or at least start to

Six years can seem like a short time
When you spend it with the one you love
Now I wish my life seemed too quick
That way I can say it was you I wasn’t void of

Ok, that was extremely corny and stupid
Can I start over and try not to ****?

Thank you

Today will be the day I spend with my family
The ones I haven’t seen in what feels like years
But, I know for certain I will only think of you
And all of your patriotic screams and cheers

There is no escaping this now, I know it
But, why would I escape this heaven?

Ok, scratch that line…

**** it, I’m just going to be lame, ok?
Ok

I ******* love the **** out of you man
Everything you say/do is my *******
I’ve been trying to write around that for years
You are the only person that I can explain

This infatuation with our friendship
And how ******* amazing we make each other feel
Let’s keep yelling and cheering each other on
And keep this friendship we crave real

Thank god I decided to be stupid
Now I can get some sleep

Goodnight, sweet dreams, and love you bro

I’ve tried and tried
For nights upon nights
To see when I fell in love with you

But, even back when you seemed like just another face
I still strongly believe my heart was in your place

Both your house and your arms
From our first hello to our last attempt to keep warm

I need to stop this before I ruin it
But I just needed to tell/show
That our love for each other and what we have
Is the oldest and most amazing thing
I’ll ever know

I wouldn’t dare call this romance
That word has no use here
What we have is saucier than France
But not filled with as many tears

The term I want to use now
Only has meaning from your lips
Not from comparing it to cows
To storms or even to long road trips

Nothing can compare to our love, babe
I apologize for doing so for so long
If poetry is all about comparisons, I’ll change
I’ll re-write those stupid wrongs

Slowly our lips separate
The air heavy with desire
You retreat into darkness
Heat quickly rising higher

My intentions become null
For love and respect alone
Is this act duplicated by him?
Are the same feelings shown?

In a few minutes
You will have had your release
Your alone time
Your stress relieving time

And I will join you then
With different blankets and sheets
Different attitudes
Different emotions

But why act like I'm important
When I'm not the only one that sleeps
On your mattress
Against your skin

Why try to make me feel better
By talking about our life in big leaps
Learning and fighting
Marriage and children

I don't need consoling like that
No matter what I think I might need
Release of stress
Or just alone time

I don't need it

Everyone is so scared of me
Of my future
And my past
And everything in between

It's not fair that they get to plant
The single seed
Of their doubt
When I always said I freaking can't

Now my mind is no longer
In the clouds
Above the pressure
And my love growing stronger

No, now it's back to planet earth
Amidst the fear
The continuous struggle
Of questioning our love's worth

I know I jumped in too early
But my love
For everyone here
Is too much for this to be

Just another failure

Usually I'm pretty good with words
But you turn my vocabulary
Into something completely absurd
But not as bad as it could be

Like a fat kid to a piece of chocolate pie
Our lips were bound to touch
But with held hands and locked eyes
The desire was too ******* much

By the way, your lips are soft as hell
There really is no other way to describe them
And where we go from here is hard to tell
But it'll be a lot more fun than before then

(This is the part where I **** up the subtlety of this poem.)

Through text
We talk as confident playmates
Through voices
We talk as awkward soul mates

I lost an hour in your arms
But only the second hand moved
The restraint was unbearable
With the sight of beautiful you

But it was the best I'd felt in years

My heart-rate is unreadable
But for something I can't describe
This is probably just me being an idiot
Or just something I shouldn't advertise

But it seems like we dance around
The elephant in the ******* room
Just making sure our skin doesn't tear
When it touches under the sun or moon

I just can't ******* tell right now
If this is mutual or just in my head
A mockery of my emotional distress
Or signals that are correctly read

I won't be able to focus on anything
Besides my insides being torn apart
Should I feel bad about these feelings?
This situation demolishes my heart

I'll tell you when you pinched a nerve
Like when we talked that Thursday night
But is it OK if I'm still totally confused?
And only slightly filled with fright?

I crossed your imaginary line
We both knew was there already
Your precision of dismemberment
Always failed to surprise me

People say duct tape fixes everything
But hatred and regret work even better
My world has been built from failures
That come from every single ******* letter

The devastation
You left my heart in
Clouds my perception
Of forgiveness

The next time my eyelids touch
I better not see your face again
I've torn myself too ******* much
From our storm way back when

(This is the point where I lose my focus and just go to sleep)

How should I feel?
What rhyme scheme is it this time?
Is it generic and overused?
Or unexpected and real?

Should it be anger?
Or sadness and regret?
Wait, aren't those the same?
I forget

Should I be happy?
Or too scared to be sappy?

Someone tell me the emotion I should feel today

The thing that made me feel anything left
The day she sent that stupid message
The useless hours spent at the mall
I despise it all

Was it the comparisons to other people?
Or the unjustifiable denial I had?
The solution was inconceivable
At least when I was mad

But now, there is nothing at all
Just all laid out on the wall
Taunting me with every sleepless night
So someone force me to laugh
To cry or show my wrath
So I can feel human and then I just might

Learn my rhyme scheme again

My eyelids should feel like anchors
Ready to sink and aid my attempts to sleep
But they are more like open sails
Guiding me to thoughts I shouldn't keep

You don't need me to cause havoc
On the island you call home
It just gets so lonely out here
On the waves of life, alone

But you've nurtured your shelter
To where you have things figured out
My life never changes, but I insist
It's me who's caused that to come about

I'll make sure to stay in the reefs
Littered around your safe haven
And if my boat gets torn to smithereens
I promise I'll drown before I give in

Because you are my friend
Even if just under certain circumstances
So let's tell silly jokes to everyone
Until the wind pulls us apart by great distances

Momentum is the only thing keeping me
From losing my mind and all that I've worked for
Our memories drag with the weight of worlds
Each reminding me why I regret everything before

But this wheel has picked up too much speed
To stop for useless feelings and unsaid words
So, sorry, but not sorry, about that little detail
And please stop making my emotions seem absurd

I've learned to feed this fire without your help
And I plan on keeping it nice and tall
Your carbon dioxide and water is not needed
And stay away from the fire extinguisher on the wall

Just do what you do best and be happy
Or sad, or angry, I could really care less
I thought I needed you in my life forever
But all you gave me was emptiness

Do me one last favor, please?
Keep not talking to me like I'm a disease

I love every second of it