Was I really such a big presence
Some major force to reckon with
When I put my thoughts down?

I both felt pride and shame
And maybe a little more pride
From sharing why I frown

I wrote and wrote and wrote
I bled words from my fingers
And vomited rhyme schemes

But since I stopped writing
I’ve felt both fulfilled and empty
Showing my emotions with ease

Did I grow out of this artistic phase
That I always though I’d be in?
Who is to say?

It may come back, this may be a fluke
We’ll see in time or maybe not
Hopefully one day

But I’ll try not to be as depressing this time

My memory consists of snapshots
Overused references and sad lyrics
Paper mill smells and ladybugs
And constant blisters from drumsticks

I've been working on training myself
To see the good and beautiful times
But everyone has those bad thoughts
I just can't seem to get over mine

I got through the family confusion
Of who's cousin and who's uncle
I got through my granny overdosing
And holding family while they're knees buckled

I got through multiple heart breaks
Through the constant abuse towards my mother
I got through my ears causing sleep paralysis
And everyone's hate towards each other

But everything comes back to you
Without you even saying a word
I can't keep it together when I'm alone anymore
Because you're far away, in the dirt

I've forgiven and changed myself
From the hateful child I was before
But I should have seen the signs
Should have taken care of you more

I should have stayed
I should have stayed
**** my life, I should have stayed

Thirty one lines
Is all I need
To satisfy the poet in me
The creative, but repetitive side
That no one needs to see
**** satisfying it
It hasn't helped me cope
With love, loss, and sanity
Or even anger, sadness, and hope
It's only helped itself
My voice doesn't even want to be involved
It just mumbles and mispronounces words
Like a ****
And my heart rate increases
Around any girl it finds viable
For love, loss, and sanity
For what my poet side should have been doing
My overthinking hinders wit
And compliments
Instead to people I barely know
By me just being polite
**** that definition
**** everything about love now
I never knew what it meant
And I've destroyed the word
Burnt it to the ground
By rambling on about the same girl
That I ruined
And who ruined me
Actually, probably only the second part
Although I'm sure I helped her

Have I been enjoying the last 9 years?
Surrounding myself with things I don't need
Like memories of when I was 13 and in love
With the thought of what now disgusts me

I obsessed too much
And then a bit more
About how I'll impress
Every girl I adored

But I latched on too tight
And ****** up my life

Why didn't anyone teach me
How to chill the **** out?
Instead of wanting and not telling
What the hell was that about?
I expected her to read my mind
And not waste 5 years of my life

I said in the beginning
That I would stay neutral
Lose my voice
My mind
My heart
So no one would hate me
So I wouldn't make mistakes

But I make mistakes every day
And I know at least someone out there hates me

My body is punishing me
For the change in weather
Just like what my mind did
The months after we were together

I rebuilt myself with help
From nothing and everything
But my heart still beats for you
And trust me, it's terrifying

Frustration from this hopeless love
Can never be fully diminished
If there was a blue flame, it's red now
Against everything I've wished

Although I crave a companion
To embark on this treacherous journey
I'll always have your ghost near
So why bother trying to be happy?