I open my umbrella when I am indoor;
As I break mirrors
I spill salt on sore;
While walking under ladders..
I let black cats pass me by
I write 3 for a tragedy;
As 666 spokes the life out of me..
I go out on fridays when the date strikes 13
I have been having bad luck ever since I was 15...

In a place where love begun;
Where time has finally gave birth to the sun
The fire that illuminates the darkest night;
Reflected by the moon..A glowing light

In a place where the stars seats and rest;
A wonderful scene at night wishing for the best
In an empty bucket, we drink and drown;
With the pain of knowing we can never be found

Fall forward to a million light-years away;
Where your consciousness drifts while your body stay
Imagining the vast universe within your palm's reach;
A dream-scape for the weary minds when a soul weakens slowly being leeched

Give some and take some a balance for the loathsome;
That will never happen in the case of the lonesome
When one feels living means just to slowly die;
Evaporates like water, a sorrowful rain as they cry

I give no answers I ask no questions;
I seek for the truth with my own explorations
I bleed out hope I breathe in faith;
To survive a life of a never ending hate

There's gotta be a price to pay for the fame I'm drowning in my head
There's gotta be a better place for me to rest dragging this coffin as my bed
Well death's knocking on my door I'm begging him for more just a little more
And he's slowly takes my soul before I have it all before I take my fall

There's gotta be a better way to escape my fate I'm running out of time
There's gotta be a better place for my soul to rest I'm paying all my crimes
Well hell is taking now my soul I'm losing my control as I weakly crawl
The fire's burning well my skin tortures me within I am just an empty hole

God save me!I'm sorry!Forgive me!
What have become of me?It's too late to be free!
God save me!I'm sorry!Forgive me!
I'm far away from heaven!Hell is where I meant to be!

I look at my little sister. She's beautiful and tragic,  like a metaphor. Or a cigarette or an odd cat. I look at her and see the same emptiness inside of me, only there's more hope for her. How do you tell somebody that you care for them? I don't think I've ever really cared for many people in a sibling kind of way. That requires an emotional connection that maybe I just lack. Like a wire in my head that was cut early on or misplaced in my head.

   Dear sister, I write you a poem. A letter. A song. I'm losing my mind, I'm going insane. Knowing that all I care about could just disappear within an instant. I don't want to lose my friends don't want to lose my sister. I was never close to my brothers it isn't fair if I lost you too. What is it you think of? What do you think about? I see you playing the piano and wish I could do that too. I'd ask you to teach me but I'm too shy to do that. I don't know if anyone's said it, but I'm proud of you. I see you trying your best and it's okay to do that. Take baby steps at a time cause the world is cruel but it seems to like babies to maybe you can trick it. I know, I've tried. Am trying. Trying harder?
   I don't know what it is I really want to tell you. You should know though I love you. I have a hard time telling people that. Have a hard time expressing feelings without suddenly wanting to cry or rip my arm to pieces. You'll be okay sister dear, I know you will.

I’m sitting here and the last thing I want to do is write. Oh, that’s not entirely true. I have wanted to write…but I haven’t been able to do it. I have been aching to talk but unable to find the words. I have been silent. I know that. It was on purpose. My mind has been unable to take the myriad of fragmented thoughts and memories and put them down on paper in a way they will be able to be read and understood. My thoughts don’t form fluid complete sentences right now. They have no eloquence or beauty…perhaps they also lack the passion that was once at my fingertips – words begging to be written, screaming to be spoken out loud, even if only a whisper.

I am sitting here with my heart in my throat and I need to be here. I want to be here. I crave being a part of this community but at the same time I fear the judgment. I have felt so deeply absorbed in my own pain and yet wanting so desperately to express my thoughts and feelings here. Voices inside of me begging to be heard, to connect with someone who might possibly understand how it is I feel. I have poured my energy and channeled my anger into writing. The hurt, the sadness, the rage, the hurt, the shame, and my Lord, the unbearable pain…all made me write…and write…and write. I pour my heart, my soul, my very self out here and the sense of belonging and community here make me better. Even if only for a minute…

Sometimes it is just too heavy and I am having a hard time coping. With the crazyiness…with life. I move from wanting to change to giving up on myself constantly. I am not yet ready to explain what giving up feels like, but I give up. And I want you to give up on me too. I want you to be angry at me for giving up.

And yet I want you to care and I want your help. There is so very much to fix inside of my crazy-brain.