October 5 2017
21:00

Not once did I look myself in the mirror today
I know, how it will reflect such horror
Not once did I comb my hair today
I know, how the comb will show the tangles of the day
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My eyes are tired
My back aches
My legs feel numb
My hands are tensed
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Songs are on repeat
1,2,3... one more time
Not making sense of the lyrics
Just swaying, moving to the beats
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Crawling in the dark
Technology disconnects
On my feet, I go
Chaos won't matter
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My brain aches
My head wants to drift
I chose to sleep for an hour or 2
I woke up, not pleased
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Sleep cannot make the pain go
My arms and hands still ache when I stop
Ears are burning due to the headphones
Cannot play loudly
Just being considerate of the many
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

September 29 2017
17:30

Should I turn my back?
Should I leap?
Should I walk?
Should I be taken aback?

Should I say, YES to this awesome friendship?
Should I say, YES to this sweet fate?
Should I choose to be happy or sad?
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands?

I like the directness, swiftness, and smoothness of your words
The sweetness of your jokes, the cuteness of your face when you talk
Your approach to life is something I really like
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands tonight?

Should I leave everything to fate?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?
Should I give you an embrace, freedom, or escape?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?

You'll hate the songs I suggested
The reason why you liked me in the first place
Should I just keep my playlists a secret,    
Just so you won't feel any regret in the first place?

Guess, you'll erase them
Just how you'll erase me in your brain
7 days backwards happened, by the way
Sorry for making you feel drained

Couldn't say the words I mean to say
Couldn't explain for I'm never really good with words
I just want to take cover
I just don't know if I want this to be over

Let's talk when what you ever feel is over
When you're completely sober
When you got over
If there's even a need for that to take over

Soon it will fade away
Like a flower that blooms in September
It will wither just before the end of October
To the mood of the wind, it will sway

Every heartbreak has its own playlist
The songs remind me of how something, or someone gets removed from my list
In my mind, I make a list
A list of all the songs that could make a playlist

I am that masochistic to play the songs over and over
Until it hurts no more, and hurts, again some more
The chorus of every song reverbirates
Echoing the hushed silence of my loneliness

At this point, all types of songs seem the same
They all talk about sadness, hopelessness, and heartbreaks
There is something so peaceful in this verge of this martyrdom
There is something so painful yet freeing in this fleeting moment

For when I finally feel better
I feel how I've gone and traveled farther
The heartbreak only makes me stronger
It makes me see clearer, move faster, appreciate the meaning of life better

I listen to the same playlist
I think of how foolish I was to even break into tears to any of the songs
For at this point, all songs fall on the same level
They remind me of how sad I felt, how hard I fell, how I was vulnerable

and I listen to the same playlist, again
For I want to make art out of all the previously mentioned pains of others
At this point, the songs remind me of how I am no different from the others
At this point, the songs remind me how my emotions are universal

I also know that in one way, or another, my playlist is different from another
I also know how unique my experiences are
I know that some things are irreversible
Yet, again... I am ready to be vulnerable

I drown in silence
I lost my confidence
My only salvation is my resilience
All I can do is fuel this pretense

I bought a mask to hide the pain
I bought clothes to dress like someone else
Came close to getting a haircut
If I got money, maybe change my whole face, too.

I refuse taking pictures
All I see is emptiness
Submerged in loneliness
Bathe in regrets

Farther and farther I go
The only think to blame is my ego
Farther and farther you'll go
I'll keep running away and just choose to let go

September, October, November, December, January
The months that Juana wants to find in the obituary
The other stopped at September
While October was the beginning of another
November was when Juana chose to leave October
Juana came back in December
Only to find October with Summer
Juana begged October in January
"I want Summer not Juana", said October
Juana went away, broken and dismayed
Anger was what engulfed her
Juana never heard from October until near September
Juana calmly burst in anger
When October talked to her
Juana still loves October
But when they talked,
Juana said the opposite to October
All that October wants is closure
Juana wants more but she chose her feelings to be obscure.
Juana is broken.
Thanks, October.