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there were few times he looked at me
and you could tell there really was love
somewhere between the aching and the pain
“don’t worry about it pretty girl”
he’d say rubbing my shoulder affectionately
Wisps of hair covering his squinting eyes
mischievous smirk hinting something was up
I am never just me
I arrive with this body
that contains my soul
and along with it comes
A broken ugly shivering creature.

I take her everywhere with me
Feeding her unsettling aura
Cleaning the debris that falls off her
Combing through her matted hair
Dressing up her bruises and bandages
Apologizing for her smell of despair

I wonder if perhaps I left her home from time to time
Would she wail and wait at my door
For me to return, and then cling on once more
Or would she understand the unwanted  
Grief and pain she holds burdens me
and take her leave

I fear most days I let her walk through rooms first
Drifting after her, much like a ghost being forced to haunt

I am me
and she is her
for now.
Although
I wonder if it’s only her
people see
screaming, pulling the hair from her head
please please take him off of me
please please he won’t get off
please
it sits in the places
I used to hold love
Advice on falling in love with an assault survivor
The first time you look at them
They will do one of two things.
They will either not look you in the eye
Out of fear that your passion will burn them
After all,
The last time another's eye stared through their paper skin
They caught on fire.
Or this person may stare straight back into your pupil
As though they are staring death straight in the face
There is no in between with a survivor
They will either move too fast or not at all
But their trust is the petal of a daisy in the desert
Withered and delicate as you touch them for the first time
You cannot expect warmth from something so broken
For survivors train themselves to ignore the ghost in their heads
But that demon will always show up
And when they finally let you undress them
You undress their monster as well
As you remove articles of clothing
Their body begins to freeze over
And the spirit they could once hide and stow away
Is now at the forefront of everything.
They train themselves to have *** with the lights off
Because should a fleck of brightness reveal an eye
A nose
A mouth
The face of their abuser will fill in the rest
They do not want you to see their body
For the scars leave train tracks of the places they've been
Crawling in fields of thorns
Wrapping themselves in knives
Swallowing perceived sanity in the form of a pill
They will not always be okay
Because in their mind they are constantly at war
With an enemy ship that retreated long ago.
To everyone around them, they are a martyr
They have won the battle
But in their mind
They are a fallen soldier
Who can't stop hearing their own gunshots fire
Into the chest of their opponent.
Falling in love with an assault survivor
Is agreeing to watch parts of them
Go up in flames
Over and over again
And picking up the ashes they leave behind.
I leave my humanness shed on the floor
Besides my bed crumpled and unrecognizable.
Tomorrow I will iron things out
But today I will just be
A hurt creature wallowing under the covers.
The way my mind sputtered to a stop
“Know of him?” It screamed.
My hands warmed remembering
The way yours wrapped around mine.
So tender. So sweet.
I know him so much it hurts.
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