I used to really believe that
I was meant to be
with him.
Everything fell into place,
everything felt right,
everything was different, and better.
For once, I couldn't sleep because
I couldn't wait to wake up
and see him again.
Everything was perfect.
But, that was the thing.
Nothing that is real is ever perfect.
I can't apologize or explain
my actions because it was like,
I had no control.
I thought that I actually knew
what LOVE is...
but what did I really know?

Since it's over a year later and I
don't have him.

It felt good to lay down
next to him and know
that I didn't have to
get up.

To fall asleep with him there.

He calms me down and
makes me smile
and tells me I look so cute
when I'm mad.

He doesn't even have to tell me
he loves me,
because he shows me every day.

I came home from work
and started watching
Louie,
and then I got a beer.
I drank and I watched.
And then I realized I
needed cigarettes
so I decided to take
a walk because I was
feeling a little tipsy.
On my way to the Village Pantry
it seemed like everyone
was looking at me.
I got my cigarettes
and walked back home.
I passed by a lake
and it was beautiful.
The world looks different
when you're walking.
Then I got home,
and took off my shirt
because the beer made me sweat.
So I took a shower.
I heard the neighbor's dog
barking and prayed that
no one was here,
for me.
The water felt good,
so I stood under the shower
head for awhile,
and debated messaging him,
and telling him how I feel.
Then of course I backed out,
so I grabbed another beer,
and sat back down on the couch,
and I was right back
where I started.

I am not good at being alone.
Probably because,
growing up I always had someone
there with me.
I'm an identical twin.
So it's no wonder i feel
empty when I'm by myself.
I like to think that I'm
independent,
but I'm beginning to think
that's not true.
I need someone sitting beside
me in the passenger seat,
and at the movies,
and someone there
to watch shows with me and
help finish bowls.
I need a constant friend.

I felt that old feeling
I used to get when
you are around.
Positivity.
Happiness.
And how appropriate
that we ran into each other
on such a nice day.
After all, you are my sunshine.

I need to wipe this
smile off my face.
But I can't when it was
created by you.

I miss being alone,
and taking time for myself.
I miss sitting on the couch,
sharing a bowl with my lips
and catching up on a show that I love.
I miss watching the sun set,
and not saying a word.
Taking walks, or going on a cruise.
True peace and quiet.
I miss smoking in my car at
the fort at nine in the morning.
Taking my time after a shower,
because I have nowhere to go.
Greed and gluttony used to be my lovers,
spending all of my money on things that I want,
whenever I want it.

I miss all of the time that I once
thought was being wasted.

This week has been
unbelievably bad.
You probably wouldn't believe
me if I told you.
It feels like my life is crumbling
like a sand castle,
and I have no control over what
happens next.
I just want to stop.
Stop moving, stop caring, stop s t o p
                                                               s
                                                                 t
                                                                    o
                                                                      p
                                                                       .
But for now,
I'll solve my problem the only way
I know how.
Ignoring it.
When I get home I'm going
to drink that beer in the fridge,
and hope that it doesn't taste
as bitter as today.

I saw my breath in the air
for the first time this year.
How appropriate that as
the season changes so
does my life.
He is talking to me again.
But I can tell there's a lot he's
not saying.
There's a lot I'm not saying.
I knew this day would come.
We have a relationship
like magnets.
It doesn't matter how far
apart you put them,
a force you can't control
will always bring them
back together.

I have to start over.
Almost two years
of writing
for nothing.
My heart is broken
in a way,
that those poems
that I poured my
life into
will never be published.
Everything I ever
wrote about Iowa
and my sunshine
is gone.
But I was told that
it was creepy and disturbing.
I can't even express myself
any more.
I don't even know if
I want to any more.
I am officially depressed.

I look forward to going to
sleep at night,
because that's when you're there.
I can talk to you,
and be with you.
And for, what is probably
only ten minutes of my life,
it feels real and it feels good.
I know it's sad to look forward
to my dreams and live them
as good as real life feels,
but it's the truth.

I guess I just miss you.

He just sits there quietly
as I am talking away.
Suddenly,
I missed you.
Conversations were something
that just happened.
You loved my stories,
and would always chime in
with your own.
We were always talking.
I wanted to know everything
about you,
and I think you wanted to
know everything there is
about me.

If I walk out the door,
you should know it doesn't mean
I'm leaving.
It means, I'll be back.
I don't plan on breaking
your heart,
but sometimes I fear
that you'll do just that
to mine.
It won't be because you
leave me,
or cheat on me,
or move far away.
It'll be because you
don't catch up to my dreams.
I have so many hopes
for the future,
and I can't help but worry
that you won't turn out to be
everything that I hoped
you could be.

I dream a lot about
being taken away from here,
from this 9-5 job,
from car trouble,
and struggling to pay the rent.
I dream a lot about
a boy with tattoos on
his wrist,
and how his fingers used to
hold me so tightly
after he had one too many
drinks, and he tasted like
beer.
I dream a lot about a man
who showed me what real love
is like,
and helped me realize
that breakfast is my favorite
meal of the day.
And that coffee fixes everything.

So I guess you could say I
dream a lot about the past,
and I keep hoping that somehow
if I wish hard enough
that I can get it all back..

I just still don't know how I'm
ever supposed to get over last summer.

Waiting is the worst part.

Waiting to clock in,
to clock out,
for a response.
Waiting for pay day,
to sleep,
to smoke a cigarette,
or a bowl.
Waiting for that minute of
happiness during a day that
feels like it's never going to end,
yeah, that's the worst part.

I want to tell him
that it wasn't fair to
finally ask me to be his,
when he knew I was someone else's.
Especially since we both considered
ourselves in the friend zone
with each other,
because I was taken.

I haven't heard from him since
that evening when he asked me if
I wanted to give us a try.

And I said, not right now.

He couldn't be my friend,
because he wanted to be my everything.

I remember being told to,
watch out and
be careful with him.
He's crazy, he uses people,
He's dangerous, he's wrong.
He never was to me.
Even in his darkest moments
he never put hands on me,
he never tried to take anything
not even a cigarette.
I gave them to him because
sharing is one of my flirting
techniques.
He never tried to force me
to do anything I didn't want to.
He didn't scare me.
He was nothing like what
anyone said he was.
He was wonderful.

Sometimes when I think
about him it makes me sick
to my stomach.
Like I'm going throw up every
nice word he ever whispered
in my ear.
Sometimes when I think
about him, it makes tears fall
to my hands.
Like every time he touched me
is all being felt in this one moment.
Sometimes when I think
about him it lifts my soul.
Like every time he made me smile
just happened.

Sometimes I think about him.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about

me.

Lately,
I feel like a very
small fish,
in the world's biggest
pond.
I'm so
overwhelmed and it's
taking it's toll,
see the dark circles
underneath my eyes
and whatever this look is
that has been stuck to
my face for weeks.
Working 80 hrs and getting
less than half of that
in sleep has made me into
somebody that I don't like.
I don't even care about
smoking *** anymore,
because I already
look like I'm ****** up.
So much for summer time,
and the beach.
Being an adult *****.
Really bad.
So if you're 17,
I probably hate you,
because I envy
that carefree ignorance
you carry.
Don't grow up.
Go find Peter Pan,
better learn how
to fly,
because
The breakfast club was
right after all.

When you grow up
*your heart dies

When I was a little kid,
my idea of what heaven
looks like was the biggest
cloud in the sky.
The ones that had colors
like pink, blue, yellow.
And now that I think about
it,
I've never had a more
beautiful thought.

Tonight I stared at a cloud
that was stunningly pink.
Behind it, the sky
looked like a painting.
Eventually I stared so long
that it turned into a dragon.
And I remembered when
I tripped on mushrooms.

I need to eat some again.

I rang in the new year
with you all over
my dreams.
I guess,
the boy that I spent
a year wishing I could
forget,
is coming with me
in this one.

I
   Just
  
              Want
To
Be

           Happy.

Maybe I do it
on purpose.
But it's for a good reason.
I believe the saying that
goes something like,
distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I can't wait to live with him
someday;
But it's nice to have someone miss you.

I gave myself some
friendly advice,
and said how lucky
I am, I have everything
I've ever wanted.
So why do I want to live
in the past,
when things weren't as
good as they are now.
I am awesome and fun,
and beautiful.
So why do I feel like
I need him to prove it.
I have someone that loves me
like someone is supposed to.
I have a great job and
I'm finally moved out.
I have money and I take care
of myself.
My car runs,
and I've made it really far
on my own.

Today I am proud of myself.
And I'm going to be happy.

I've been thinking too
much this morning.
I am surprised that I even
still believe in love.
Believe that it really exists
and that I could be happy
with one person for
the rest of my life.
Look at my past relationships.
I have been used,
taken advantage of,
neglected,
and left heart broken at the bottom.
I am beginning to believe
that I'm getting what I deserve.
I used to think I
deserved romance and
constant happiness,
but now I think I'm stuck in
this pattern of bad relationships.
And it scares the **** out of me.
Because I don't want to live
like this for the rest of my time
awake on earth.

Pause for a second,
and think about
us.
Now,
pick one of your
favorite memories.
Maybe it's the same one
that I'm about to share.
It was a perfect summer night,
just the two of us on the roof.
We had spent hours talking,
while your phone
played all the music
we fell in love to.
And then you pulled out your
guitar and asked,
Do you sing?
I was shy when you
began to play,
so you sang the first verse.
And then I joined in.
Soon,
you were just smiling
at me,
strumming all the
right notes as I
sang into the night.

I belong with you
you belong with me
in my sweet arms.

Afterward,
you kissed me and said,
beautiful.

I heard that song
on the radio tonight,
but it has never sounded
as good
as it did
when
you
loved
me.

You could tell me that you're
not the one I'm looking for,

but you'd be wrong.

Although,
I'm sure that now I'm just another
name; that sometimes;
hardly ever, occasionally, comes up
in a conversation.
And you might think for a second
and,

"Ah! Yeah I know who you mean!"

and a memory of the two of us
might light up in your mind,
but then you'll go right back to
remembering all that time you
spent forgetting about me.

It's a thank you. I have never felt like I was good at anything until I began writing poetry about 2 years ago. I found this website and I visited every single day. Over time, with encouragement and practice, I feel like I have finally become the writer I want to be. Sadly I deleted my old account, but I couldn't leave. If you like the poems I write, have ever liked one of them, or shared it, thank you thank you thank you. My big dream is to one day publish the poems I write here. So it feels incredible to know that real people have super positive feed back.
Again, thank you for helping me fulfill my dream, and my heart.
~peace~

As I pulled up
my heart immediately
remembered that
blue Bonaroo bandana,
and that old red car.
He was standing in front
of it,
with the hood up.
I knew he had to see me.
I'd be lying if I said
I didn't care,
when I didn't see his
face light up with a smile,
and his hand waving hello.
I didn't know that
this is how things are.
No longer greeting each other
with a smile, and
its been a long time.
What hurts the most,
is that he lied,
when he told me he'd
always care about me,
because now I am nothing
more than a stranger.
I guess he's just another
cigarette brand that
I can't smoke anymore.

I want a love story like
*When Harry met Sally.

If that wasn't meant for me,
than he had the same experience with
someone else.

I should just delete my Facebook

He said,
I have a surprise.
and then handed me a
notebook.
He wrote a song about me.
And the hopeless romantic/writer,
in me fell in love all over again.

I should be doing
homework,
but all I can think
about is you.
It makes me feel guilty,
but dangerously excited.
You are like tripping
without eating anything.
Falling,
even though I'm sitting down.
You are like dreaming
although I'm awake.
You are my sunshine
on this cloudy day.
And I can't wait
to spend my time
with you,
and escape into
the moment.

It's sad but it's true.
People are more likely
to pick a side,
than to lend a hand
when some one is falling
apart.

There's a photo
that hangs in his
living room.
It's of a little boy
with big brown eyes,
and crazy dark hair,
he's smiling.
I know it's him.
Although I have never
asked,
and he has never told me.
As I left today
I realized I have
never seen him that
happy before in my life.
He left all his joy
behind with his childhood.