As I pulled up
my heart immediately
remembered that
blue Bonaroo bandana,
and that old red car.
He was standing in front
of it,
with the hood up.
I knew he had to see me.
I'd be lying if I said
I didn't care,
when I didn't see his
face light up with a smile,
and his hand waving hello.
I didn't know that
this is how things are.
No longer greeting each other
with a smile, and
its been a long time.
What hurts the most,
is that he lied,
when he told me he'd
always care about me,
because now I am nothing
more than a stranger.
I guess he's just another
cigarette brand that
I can't smoke anymore.

This is all too much,
how can one week out of
an entire year feel so **** long.
My hands have hardly left
my hair alone,
and my smile has only made a
brief appearance.
Well what's wrong?
whatswrongwhatswrongwhatswrongwhatswrong
Nothing.
Everything.
me.
My whole entire life. Its not going as planned,
its not what I want.
I always need money, but I don't want it.
My job is everything I hate.
And I am stuck here.
I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

I just really need a break from life
for awhile.

I have gotten to that point.
The one with the feelings
that are all too familiar.

The one where I am happier
when I'm not with him.
The one where I am beginning
to feel like I'm staying for him,
not me.
The one where I miss who
I used to be,
and the mind set I had that
protected me from people,
and emotions.
The one where I feel a sense
of freedom when I'm in my
car alone.

I don't know what this means.
Or if I'm just an *******,
or not truly in love.

But I am beginning to feel like
I don't want to live like this
forever.

I'm not going to
give you any more
room in my future book.
I'm not going to let you
be the only thing that
helps me write.
Or makes me happy,
or makes me feel beautiful,
and young and hopeful.
Because I'm all of those
things,
and you haven't been
there the whole time.

So,

I'll be fine.

If I had known then,
what I know now,
then I would have done things
a lot differently.
If I knew that those days
really wouldn't last forever,
then I never would have left,
I would have always participated.
I would have gotten **** drunk on a Thursday,
even though we had school the next day,
just because,
I would have gone on every
smoke cruise,
every walk to the gas station,
I would have tripped sooner,
been myself sooner,
I would have stopped worrying
about him so much,
and started worrying about them
more.
If I knew then,
what I know now,
then maybe I would still
have friends,
I wouldn't feel like an outcast
in my own home town.
Its stupid,
but I can now accept that
I ****** up the relationships
I had with so many people.
Its my fault.
Its my fault.

If I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn't hate myself so much
today.

I think about that conversation
we had so long ago now.
When you told me that you
wanted to apologize and that
I was one of the few people you
wanted to make right with.
You told me you wanted to
start a family,
start a life.
So why didn't you ask me to join you?
When things could've happened.
When I would have said yes.
I don't think I've ever had
someone say to me,
I want to start my life with you.
and mean it.
And the funny thing is,
he was so close.
But it was still not close
enough.

If that wasn't meant for me,
than he had the same experience with
someone else.

I should just delete my Facebook

It's sad but it's true.
People are more likely
to pick a side,
than to lend a hand
when some one is falling
apart.

Did we miss the moon?
I'd lie in your arms if I could
Such a common pain
Repeats itself again and again

Flowers grow in the springtime and leaves fall from the trees
I've been GONE for so long, you just threw away the keys
I understand it, but I don't want it

I know it so well, you tripped me and I laughed when you fell
This isn't how it should be
I've let you drift so far, from me

But please hold onto the memories
Before we really crash and burn
We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn
I understand it, but I don't want it

Sitting in my room in the
dark,
listening to Ween,
and checking my phone
every few seconds,
is familar to me.
I know they say,
you shouldn't go back,
you should move forward,
but then how come it feels
so good to sit
and just let yourself believe
for a second that it's all true again.
It was good wasn't it?
I'm afraid of what might
happen if I ever actually
asked him that question.

I have to complain a little bit.

These below freezing
temperatures,
icy roads and snow
are the things I fear the most,
and I knew it was coming.
This is why I was pushing so
hard, and not letting it go
when we were fighting about
him getting a job.
Maybe we would have a place
together by now,
or maybe he would be the one
that has to drive every single day,
and run his car to the ground.
I mean, it's been over a year.
And we've only talked about it
a few times.
To be honest, I hate it.
I hate all of this.

I saw him in my dreams
again.
It happens all the time.
But in this one,
he was standing close behind me
and I turned around to
face him,
unaware of how close we were.
I can remember the thought
that went through my head
as I kissed him.
Even though it's wrong
you'll never get another chance.
He kissed me back but then
turned away.
I think he said something
like, I'm over you.

But I said,
I miss you
anyway.

Even though we're miserable
here.
Sad here,
angry here.
This is where we came
from.

And yet,
somehow we're still here,
so it can't be that bad.

We drove to work
together,
and went home
together.
But this time we got
to sleep in the
same bed.
We smoked a bowl
while we watched tv,
and then made
love under the covers.
I fell asleep to the
sound of his heart beat.
I wish I could wake up
like that every day,
it was like we were
married.
It was wonderful.

I know what people say
about distance in a relationship.
If it's a good strong, trusting
relationship, then it'll be okay.
And I just wanna ask that person,
Have you ever tried to maintain
a relationship where you go
from seeing each other every day
to hardly at all?
Yeah?
And did it work out, still with
that person?
No? I don't even need the reason why.
So next time someone says something
about worrying about space,
be kind, but don't lie.
And if you can't tell the truth,
then just don't say anything
at all.

Recently I have been
able to forget about him
all day long.
Until I finally close my eyes
and fall into a deep sleep.
And then,
there he is.
The main character in all
of my dreams.
The other night we were on
his couch again,
and then he was kissing me.
I remember the way his
hair felt in my fingers.
And last night it was like
I was chasing him,
trying to get closer,
but all I got to see was his face.
I'm going to try to not
read into anything,
because they say when you dream
about someone else it
doesn't "mean" anything..
But I think it does mean
something.
I miss him.

Sometimes I feel so
****** up,
because I can't get him
out of my head.
It has been so long
since we last spoke,
and even longer since we
were good.
So how come
a year, and a lifetime
of changes later,
can I not get over him?
Hearing his name or
seeing his face still makes
me feel a bit anxious,
because I want to know
how he is.

I mean,
I know that we have wrecked
every chance we could have had,
and I know that he was probably
over me,
before this summer even started.
So what is wrong with me?

My eye ***** can't stop
watering.
I feel like I could cry
for days.
It's not all because of
my car dying tonight,
it also has a lot to do with
my whole day and
my whole life.
None of it is going right.
I'm tired of trying.
Of fighting.
I just don't want to do it
anymore.

I'm unhappy
even when
I'm happy.

I hate to only talk
about you,
when I'm sure you
wanna hear about me.
But, I can't ignore
that old familiar feeling,
just as the rain slows down,
and the right song
plays on the radio.
I swear,
it's like you're there
beside me.

I miss my
baby.
I wish we could
just live together
already,
so we never have to
be apart.
I want to spend the
rest of my days
with him,
have babies that
inherit his smile,
and take his last name
as mine.
I'm so in love,
I'm blind,
and all I want
are his arms around me.
Love

   Love

Love
                 Love
      Love

The big dream is to
one day publish a book
of my poetry.
Not for money, or fame,
but for me.
It may not be on the horizon
today,
but I have no doubt
that one day you may
be reading this,
written in ink
on a crisp white page,
with my name on the cover.
But until the day that
my little book is sitting among
the greats,
I will keep writing, practicing,
suffering, smiling,
and trying.

I don't think,
that ever before this time
in our lives,
that it was so hard to get
people to feel passion,
and express it.
Whether it's anger or happiness,
people would find a way
to be open about it.
It's not about just voicing your
opinion on topics,
it's about living hard,
feeling strongly,
loving passionately.
Nobody feels anymore,
and those of us that do have
been turned into aliens for feeling,
feelings loudly.

Because we are alive.

I would do anything
to catch a glimpse.

I hope that I get
to keep trying for
the rest of my life,

to make you smile.

I think I am coming to
terms,
on my own,
that it is okay that I still
feel love for him, that I still care,
even if I never find out if he does too.
We were more than just a few months.
We were best friends,
we were all each other had at that time.
I loved him for exactly who he was,
and he loved me, for me.
My heart will always want him
to be happy, to have peace.
And that's okay.
It is okay to care about someone.
I need to remember this, so I can stop
wondering why why why.

I thought of you today.
I can't even describe
what it felt like.
It was as though
I saw you,
and we talked to
each other the way
we used to.
I felt like I did
when you loved me.
So I cried my
eyes out as
Lying eyes
by The Eagles played
while I drove home
with forgotten tears
in my eyes.
What I would give
to just simply
talk to you again,
is more then what I
could ever offer.

He's drinking again.
He is receding,
falling,
and lost in his
own damaged
heart,
and out of his mind.
He had a light
when I saw him
for the first time,
but it has gone out,
the rooms are dark
and he is gone again.
But I still knock
on every door and window
begging to let me in.
Because even though
he's bad for me,
he is the most real
thing in my life
and even if his
soul leaves this earth,
this connection
will never end,
and
he will never leave
my heart.