I'm having one of those
days where I spend
the hours reminiscing
in my head.
Probably because I have
nothing to do after work.
I miss the days where I
didn't have a boyfriend,
but I had friends.
I had people.
I didn't feel so lost when
I had to be alone.
And I'm kinda mad at myself,
because it's my own fault
for not having anyone in
my life.
And now that I can't see
my boyfriend as often,
I'm stuck in my own head
even more,
trying to escape by
smoking *** and watching
Orange is the new black.
But seasons end.
And then what will I do?

Every time I hear
Tom Petty's song about
Mary-Jane,
a memory shoves it's way
through the lyrics.
I flash back to last summer at
the height of the good times.
I'm in my best friend's car
in the passenger seat,
turned around watching
her friend play last dance on his
guitar and listening
to him sing.
And I must've been really
happy that day because
it's one of my most vivid memories.
We pulled into some race
track that I didn't even know
existed,
and I got out and sat on
the hood.
You're going to think
I'm an idiot,
but I swear this is how it
played out.
He rode up on his
dirt bike and stopped right in
front of me..
took off his helmet,
grabbed the cigarette
from my fingers,
and smiled at me.
He never looked better, and
I could still hear that song
in my head.
We all ended up back at his house
sitting in a circle,
smoking **** and getting
his dog high.

Because of that one memory,
I had a new favorite song.
Although now,
it just makes me sad,
and I wish I never tied
Iowa to those lyrics.

I'm having cigarettes
and hot chocolate for lunch
today,
because once a month
Mother Nature comes around
and replaces my appetite
with the need to smash
things instead.
I'm sitting in my car
watching all the people
drive by and wishing
I was one of them,
because at least then I
wouldn't be at work right now.

I know what people say
about distance in a relationship.
If it's a good strong, trusting
relationship, then it'll be okay.
And I just wanna ask that person,
Have you ever tried to maintain
a relationship where you go
from seeing each other every day
to hardly at all?
Yeah?
And did it work out, still with
that person?
No? I don't even need the reason why.
So next time someone says something
about worrying about space,
be kind, but don't lie.
And if you can't tell the truth,
then just don't say anything
at all.

Have you ever just
wanted to cry so badly,
but you can't?
Like, stuff that usually
would bring a tear to your
eye, just doesn't anymore.
But you're not invincible to
all of it.
You just save it.
Stick it in that file cabinet
with all the other ****
in it in the back of your head.
Until one day,
it's like something happens
and all the people in the office
inside your brain just pick
up handfuls of files
and toss them in the air.
And you stand there and watch
as all of that paper just
sinks to the floor.
But eventually you have to
clean up the mess and throw
it away,
and all is okay;
and then your file cabinet
is empty.
Until it starts to get full again..