I can do this.
I can make it through today
without becoming unemployed.
I'm not going to let these
old, unhappy women make
me like them.
Im 19 and at the prime of
my life.
I'll just keep my grind on
and know that I'm a badass,
I am strong,
I am independent,
and I can make it through today
without blowing up.
I'm not going to let them make
me cry,
because one of these days
I'll be able to tell these
people to go **** themselves
and this place.
They're just mad because this
is where they are after
63 years of not doing ****
with their lives,
but when I'm their age,
I'll be a ******* queen
and people like these
will still be jealous of
my fabulous ***.

There are no drugs or
alcohol that can ****
you up as badly
as human emotions.

I have spent so much time
dreaming
about the day I saw you again.
What I would say,
what I would look like,
what you'd look like.
And it was nothing like the
romantic gestures my mind
created.
But my heart did stop
for a second,
and then start beating
uncontrollably.
I lost all words and just
stood there looking at you,
speechless.
Oh my god,
so handsome..
even more than I remember.
And then you were looking at
me,
but I couldn't tell if you
liked what you saw.
This girl that you've talked to
for years..
is she everything you thought?
Does it matter?
It does to me,
because I felt my face
catch on fire,
and my hands started sweating.

I mean, I was a mess.
And I still am.

I realize that by
keeping to myself and writing
every thing down,
I have become so self involved.
I just wallow in my misery
and don't focus on all the
good in my life.
Maybe if I could just
get out of my head,
I could finally be happy
in life and my relationship.
Wanting so many things
and trying to make it sound
beautiful have become exhausting.
I just need to admit that I'm
an *******.

Sometimes I feel so
****** up,
because I can't get him
out of my head.
It has been so long
since we last spoke,
and even longer since we
were good.
So how come
a year, and a lifetime
of changes later,
can I not get over him?
Hearing his name or
seeing his face still makes
me feel a bit anxious,
because I want to know
how he is.

I mean,
I know that we have wrecked
every chance we could have had,
and I know that he was probably
over me,
before this summer even started.
So what is wrong with me?

When I was a little kid,
my idea of what heaven
looks like was the biggest
cloud in the sky.
The ones that had colors
like pink, blue, yellow.
And now that I think about
it,
I've never had a more
beautiful thought.

Tonight I stared at a cloud
that was stunningly pink.
Behind it, the sky
looked like a painting.
Eventually I stared so long
that it turned into a dragon.
And I remembered when
I tripped on mushrooms.

I need to eat some again.