I remember being told to,
watch out and
be careful with him.
He's crazy, he uses people,
He's dangerous, he's wrong.
He never was to me.
Even in his darkest moments
he never put hands on me,
he never tried to take anything
not even a cigarette.
I gave them to him because
sharing is one of my flirting
techniques.
He never tried to force me
to do anything I didn't want to.
He didn't scare me.
He was nothing like what
anyone said he was.
He was wonderful.

I feel even more alone
in this,
people know so little
that they thought it was an STD.
Honestly,
I worry that no one
will ever know or care
about something that
really plagues people's lives.
Something that takes over mine.
Some days I feel so
self conscious about the lack
of hair on my head that I
won't go out in public.
I can feel the unspoken stares,
and the amount of ignorance
when someone says,
Just stop
You really don't know how
much I wish it was that easy.

I had cigarettes
and diet coke for lunch
because Speedway was out
of pizza and
half an hour is not
enough time to wait in
line in this town.
I have too many hours
until I get to go home
and all I want to do is smoke ****.
A sandwich would be nice too.

I gave myself some
friendly advice,
and said how lucky
I am, I have everything
I've ever wanted.
So why do I want to live
in the past,
when things weren't as
good as they are now.
I am awesome and fun,
and beautiful.
So why do I feel like
I need him to prove it.
I have someone that loves me
like someone is supposed to.
I have a great job and
I'm finally moved out.
I have money and I take care
of myself.
My car runs,
and I've made it really far
on my own.

Today I am proud of myself.
And I'm going to be happy.

I'm not going to
give you any more
room in my future book.
I'm not going to let you
be the only thing that
helps me write.
Or makes me happy,
or makes me feel beautiful,
and young and hopeful.
Because I'm all of those
things,
and you haven't been
there the whole time.

So,

I'll be fine.

I shouldn't have
pried on something
that I didn't want
to know the answer to.

But now all of my questions
have conclusions
and I wish they
were still up in the
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