Lately it seems
the memories of that past
are clouding my brain.
I remember the days and nights
I spent alone in my room
Howling at the moon
Begging it to take away my sadness
as my thighs dripped crimson red
and my tiny body shivered
the chattering of my teeth is still echoing in my head

getting on a scale
used to be like payday
but if I did good,
the numbers went down.
If I did bad,
well thats another story
something is missing
and it's not my symptoms
a sense of satisfaction,
ripped from my hands
slipping through my fingers
like fine grain sand.
I no longer look to scales
or numbers when judging
my self-worth
but something is still missing
and i'm starting to notice myself asking
"where did you go"

i crave something different
this time around
i'm not searching for answers
or creating the questions
my shell has eroded
plain to see
leaving a pale-skinned lamb
to bake in the sun
whether its 8 in the morning
or a quarter to 2
the mornings are vacant
without you
while i might be hiding
my craving for touch
at least i'm not hiding
a closeted lust for everyone
who shows you fabricated trust

cluttered like that book shelf you shove all your worries and feelings into. Love is the thickest book you own and his heart is not as big as you thought. it holds all the birds but that is all. you can't be cradled any longer, baby lisa. Nova. don't cry. the bow broke and that's how you will fall. Danny, why didn't you catch her? I swore to Conor she will be raised to sun to grow like a flower. but one day you'll wither away and be buried in the ground so the earth can pick at you and tear you apart and house the bugs and let the soil soak you up. ants will take your bones and carry them away, worms will burrow into your eye sockets and that my dear.. that is when I think you are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. My eyes have burned away. I am blinded by your Paradisiacal appearance, my tears are the only cure. there's been a drought, why can't i water the clouds anymore mom? what have you done to me. Taylor, why are you here? oh no.. Thaddeus is here too. MARGOT GO GET THE SALAMANDER we have got to set Fire to all the houses that hold all the books that'll prove we have thought. Ray told me about this city. But it's lights dont light up the town like your eyes did. it's so dark here. and you're scent.. I smell it everywhere I go and it's ******* suffocating me. I can't breathe in your absence anymore.
Strip me of all that I've known.
Strip my mind of your curves and how your hair is when you wake up.
I don't want it anymore.
No stalgia is here.

Did someone poor ice all over the atmosphere? it's bitter cold and no one knows why that may be and this is ******* California, might I get some tea please? I'm supposed to be basking in that overpowering, kissing your skin with cancer kind of sun, not in this Ice box. There's no more ice left, but poppy I need it for some soda and the ***** that will follow but what if this time I do not ***** from those bubbles, maybe I am an ocean now because the deepest parts will bubble from those clams that open wide but what is this? there is no pearl inside oh wait I am mistake I am thinking of oysters for crying out loud kinda maybe like a wolf so lonesome his mother dies every morning and rises in the evening. but this is mother moon and what happens under the moon resolves in an abortion because your repetitive mistakes were too much to handle. this is the sixth time this month darling we should give you one for free once you hit eight. and my words are babbling over the page and you tell me I'm not good enough and those words are all I have but maybe I'll let you keep them only if I can keep my name because that is my name and my name is the only thing I'll die with other than my bare body tossed into the cold ground, forget about a casket, I want to ******* rot. and next time, I swear, next time you see me I'll be in the hard winter ground with bugs sleeping in my eyes but that won't you be resting there because you couldn't keep it in your pants or maybe I was too much so that's why you ignored me for so long but it's all over now. I'm setting with the sun and rising with the moon waiting for those wolves to dig me up and drag me to the Tigers at the zoo.
this is terrible.

mother, the curtains are turning black and the boy I love will burry me in the pile that his sweaters belong and the termites eat the floor under our feet. father told me I would walk the **** side but all I want is those loving thoughts the birds and the bees have given me and my teacher told me that God is where our life is placed but the star dust and the revolution of planets seems so much more real than those snakes demonizing that poor girl who swings on her tire swing with her ghosts that share their thoughts about who's the biggest ***** in the town and maybe, just maybe, mother will say I love you and the door will remain white from all the truth it has told from behind those knobs and walls and the black curtains will fade to nothing as if the sun has never shone and that boy will cry himself to sleep with the thought of a gun and those stupid ******* birds will sing once more without a care in the world but they truly want to see the world explode, that's what their whole ******* chatter is all about.

Lua I know you're hurt and you just wish upon every star but that lonesome moon does not love you back and the bare skin of your lover on yours is not enough to hope your life will stay a little bit longer and your soul is fading like candles you surround yourself with and Danny told me that conor saw that girl at the zoo again, the one who sings to the Tigers, those same tigers that tore the faces off those children last winter.
conor tells me the four winds blow for me but in this town there is nothing but rain from that mother who cries all day mourning the death of that bug she stepped on.
nothing makes sense anymore, my mind screams and the voices tell me I belong six feet under and those sirens are singing their song to me but I am not a sailor

keep singing me sad songs, I don't want to forget this feeling and I need you to tell me you don't love me so I can hear it rip my heart out just like the birds do to those poor worms they tear from the ground and that's the place where I fell so hard, breaking, cracking, snapping my jaw once it hit the Ice covered soil. they laughed like the hyenas in the jungle and I hid away in the basement and Margot did too. same with that bedroom, Margot was there too. Conor saves us all from the burning fire of our minds and we couldn't escape til Dan came. Mr Danny, why are you so sad? there's pints of whiskey in the corner. look to the sky, said Margot. and mother, let me go you gotta let this birdie fly if I'll ever grow and maybe it'll rain, I need a good rinse. wait, do you hear that? the music? or is that moaning? oh no it's Ramona crying? oh goodness she is screaming. Bethany, baby, what is the matter stop screaming. it'll only hurt a little bit, you needed it to be taken sometime right? your skirt looked too inviting for me to resist. I swear Carla wanted it. She even asked Helena to join us. but why is she screaming too? Father said this is the way to find love. But love isn't how him and mother was wasn't it? he was the airplanes coming to a crash and mother was the ambulance but seemingly every night they threw glass at each other. I just hope I did my math homework. I swear, I'll clean my room later and I'm sorry I didn't do the dishes and maybe you'll love me once again but my dearest I have no heart and my blood doesn't pump so when you kiss me don't be frightened I am not the ground I am the sky.

someone once asked
me to describe
home and i was
so close to saying
your name, but
instead i refrained
from saying anything
at all and stayed quiet.
people expect me to say
a ******* place,
but the only place i've
ever had a certainty of
home was in your two arms.