I cant quite find the words to
describe your eyes
Or the turbulent storms
inside that you don't hide.
There's hostility thick in the air here.
I bet this silence is worth note
Shoving things in your coat
while I sit on the couch
And I don't mind leaving here today.
Run with me. Far and fast.
To the place where fragility
might maybe last.
Get back.
I cant stand your *******
mirror eyes.
They don't hide the lies or
hope to give rise
To anything.
I just see the broken pieces.

Why do humans die so very easily,
They flicker out.

I wonder why people
are so bad at being human.

Somehow you have managed to put the pieces back together,
Just to rip them apart again.
Should I feel honored that you chose a different way this time?

I can see the difference here, her and I.
Shall I list you the ways that matter?
What breaks me into repairable pieces?

I am not one for these dramatics, this is way too cinematic.
You don't even know me anymore.
I wish I could forget wanting to be loved.

I wonder if everythings not doomed.

Get out of my head you
Ignorant, thoughtless, angry,
Heartbreak of a memory.
Forest pond eyes
To drown me in.
I like the taste of air.
Usually.
Probably.
****.

Get back in the box.

I cant do this anymore
I dont know how not to love you.
Even your highs taste of sadness,
Like the strings of a cello
Who has played you this way?
You were meant to be a piano.

Can you hear the notes?
That sad and bass sound beating.
I am the cello, your a piano
Use the rest of your keys.
I wont have you become me.

Happy birthday to me,
I wish that sounded less lonely.
Its my birthday you know,
Would it **** you to say hello?
My poetry ***** now.
****.

I am tired she said.
I am tired of emergency room smell.
Of being unable to make plans.
Of my roommates in the waiting room
Because my friends couldn't be bothered to come.
They went to a *******.
I am tired she said.
Of the feeling of metal in my skin.
Of knowing I am somehow less
Then the girls that throw themselves around poles,
Clothes more revealing then my hospital gown.
I believed we would be equal at least.
Wheres the moment of hesitation.
Of compassion.
Did I really let myself be this girl?
The one who might not breath again
Whose closest friends might be her IV and her bracelet.
They never leave me.
This beep beep beep will lull me into sleep.

"A" she says, a plea to pick up the phone,
Answer the **** message, your words feel like home.
And to her, those words, are priceless.

"A" says her pride, answer her call,
That letter is an essay, begging for a brawl,
But he would never, never answer her.

"A" she says again, as he lays down in sleep,
That word, a secret, she can never keep.
Here, she never will again.

I am not what I look like.
I am not just the power you think
I carry deep beneath my skin.

I am beautiful, at healthy pounds.
I am smart, kind and broken hearted.
Like a rainbow of desire I cast.

If someone could just love me,
Without asking me to be something else.
Something fake, *****, not me.

I am worthwhile.
Help me, Hold me.
I would fight to the death for them

I want you to know that I remember you.
I remember the girl who blushed bright at being called cute,
Who was told she was nothing but tried anyway.
I remember the girl who carved names into trees,
Who slashed down the names of people who left her,
I remember the girl who fought to remember.

I remember the girl who punched those trees.
The girl who tried to run and run and run,
Who scared the boys at school with her anger.
I remember the girl who could bleed and bleed,
Who would hide her face behind her hair,
I remember the girl who fought not to care.

I am the girl who carries her past inside her.

I love my hipbones,
Beautiful and sharp.
They make women inhale.
They say.

I love their eyes,
For all the same reasons.

There's not a whole lot you can do about time.
It comes and it goes, ebbs and it flows,
And freedom of choice can't save you from consequence.
Like time everything is clear in reflection.
Life gives you tests then you learn the lesson.
If I could change this I would.
I would go back and pick my sisters up from the ashes,
Save them from the fire I didn't mean to start.
I would mend the hearts that I've broken,
And forgive those who couldn't help but break mine.
I would still take the path less traveled,
And learn to avoid the barbed-wire fences.
But mostly I would save you, and her, and them,
So you would all smile again,
Like we did when we were young.

I wish I could weave stories like magic,
I would spin tales to captivate you and entice you.
I wish I was so beautiful it hurt,
I would take you breath away and run.
I wish I was so ******* enticing,
I would make you look forward to my every word.
I wish I could be your favorite place,
I would hold my head up with dignity and pride.
I wish I was so something, could be something,
I would break down houses in my joy.
But I am just a silly girl with a big heart,
Who will try again tomorrow.
But tonight I will walk across the entirety of this town again,
This time without shoes.
To remind me of the feeling of your cold cold words.

They say to be a writer you must write.
To be a singer you must sing,
A dreamer you must dream,
And I'm not sure what I am.
What do they call it when words sing?
When you dream in songs and novels?
I am not a dreamer, a singer, a writer,
I am a void, a shell of a woman,
I overflow with someones tales.

Hope is a foreign word to me
Fragile, like a refugee of a personal war.

Is this safe for you now?
Does it matter?
Anything is better then home.

The black man stalks my dreams again.
With his oil spill eyes
And venomous smile
He speaks in tounges
And bent up promises.

He jokes, Call me Cain.
Adam Judas Satan Jesus
Gabriel ******* Whale.
I call him the Whale
For he has swallowed me whole.

He is the flood
and I am swept away debris.
He calls me Seven
(That *******)
One for every sin I've mastered.

Click.
A snapshot to remember me
When I leave.
Click. Click.
Two to remember us
As we used to be.
Click. Click. Click.
Three for what we said
In whispered conversations.
Click. Click. Click. Click.
Four for the squeal of the door
As I walked back in.
Click. Click. Click.
Three times for the phone receiver
Dropped as you saw my face.
Click. Click.
Two for the loaded gun
I held firm in place.
Click.
One for the trigger
I pulled.
Silence.
All that is left
After I'm gone.

Welcome to the world,
the world of screaming, seething red.
Of angry fists and words,
Of passion love and hatred.
If not your favorite,
Remember red.
Its a hard color to hide.
Welcome to the sea,
the sea of calming, caring blue.
Of deep breaths and peace,
Of meditation and humility.
If not your favorite,
Keep hold of blue.
Its something we all need.
Welcome to the sun,
the rays of happiness, energetic yellow.
Of summer smiles and winter shine.
Of youth and age.
If not your favorite,
Strive for yellow,
Its something not everyone gets.
Welcome to the pulse,
The pulse of growing, grabbing green.
Of endless tomorrows and possibility,
Of energy, strength and force.
If not your favorite,
Remind yourself of green.
Its at your beginning and end.
If your favorite is not red yellow or blue,
Know that all colors stem from them.
With green all around you,
What a rainbow we have
Without even trying.

My hand shake.
They tremble,
As I try to grasp this bowl
This glass.

I cant control it.
Id stop,
To keep your anger contained
Off your face.

Its disappointing.
I know,
I've been told it before
Trust me.

I'm sorry.
I'm incomplete,
I wasn't ever given a choice
At all.

Everybody lies.
Except me,
What a terrible choice
This honesty.

My body.
Even now,
It cannot keep its **** together
How sad.

******
I scream,
Mind deep in creative things.
Your name tastes sweet
And bitter, and whiskey neat.
Haunting my questionable day dreams.

Why can't I lose you.

Standing in a hair salon,
I run my fingers through your hair.
It matches mine.
"You are the cutest" the hairstylist raves.
Cold sweat, I awake.
A memory of mirrors.
Sleep is so much harder now.

Trade jealousy,
Improve on loyalty,
Enrich death.

While your at it
Express opportunity,
Negotiate fear,
Share hurt,
And refine frailty.

Create a world of metaphors,
Surround your self in maybes,
And never live.

Sometimes
I want to scrub the sin off my skin
And let my blood wash itself clean
Cycling through this unholy water
I've lowered my body in

Sometimes
I want to care much less for myself
And watch cities burn black
Swim through the hot embers
Clean myself with ash

Sometimes
I want to dissolve away again
And ride away on the wind
Steal breaths with force
And free myself with gusts

Sometimes
I want to bury myself deep
And drag down others
Who yearn for sunlight
And live with myself in silence

I am tired, she said.
And with her head held low
I believed her.
I'm tired of tests
Of medication.
I'm tired of stress
Of loneliness.
I'm tired of being the strong one.
My will is weak
And I'm so tired.
I'm tired of being so angry
Of being sad
Of being anything at all.
And I wish the mirror would lie
But she is tired
And I am so tired.

Last night I dreamt of ticking time bombs
I awoke with your name on my lips.

Dear pomegranate,
How much of your bitter, bitter juice must I drink,
To prevent the free radicals from entering my bloodstream,
And ******* up my system.
Like water, I drink you,
Still that free radical looks my way.
You stain my lips red, and if anything,
Make me more enticing.
Dear pomegranate juice,
You lie.

I am hungry, yes, but not for lack of food.
I hunger for hellos and conversations,
"I love you's" and angry confrontations.
I hunger for your voice, your taste, your touch.
I am tired, yes, but not for lack of sleep.
I tire of lonlessness and an empty bed,
"I miss you's" and things unsaid.
I tire of loss and sadness and distance.
I am bored, yes, but not for lack of entertainment.
I bore of silence and standing still,
"I wish you's" and maybe we wills.
I bore of people and places and things.
I understand your feelings boy,
More then I care to admit.

I would have loved you.
I would have loved you for every tear,
Every smile,
Every bruise, fight, anger and laughter,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every moment,
Every minute,
Every year, month, week and day,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every dream,
Every color,
Every wish, hope, shape, and size,
I would have loved you.

If only fate worked in conceivable ways,
You would have loved me, too.

I'm  not the kind of girl you say babe to.
Or the one you call beautiful
Or seek to entice.
I'm the one your curled up with in an airport,
Four days before.

I'm not the kind of girl you ask out and post on facebook.
Or worry about from miles away.
I am the hidden kind of girl,
Held in darkness,
But not with hands.

I'm not the kind of girl you move across a country for.
Or you dress up nice and take to parties.
I'm the fierce kind of girl
Who has your unwanted secret
Hidden beneath layers of flesh.

I'm not the kind of girl who doesn't notice your lies.
Or your eyes
Or your ways of showing me I'm not the kind of girl.
But I am the awful kind of girl
Who ignores it.

I am the kind of girl who will share your bed,
And do your laundry.
Agree we are together but always wonder
Why together feels so much lonelier
Then I remember.

I hate the way you laugh like its all good.
Its not all good, I love you, come home.
Love me too **** it.

Hey you, yeah, you,
The boy who's face is too small
For all his emotion,
Who's heart is too soft
For this world commotion.
Don't let what you cant control
Define you,
Don't let what you couldn't stop
Confine you.
Don't take the pain you find
In various places,
Don't let it guide you
To despair filled places.
You are the boy
With wide open eyes,
If you could just see
How they reflect the sky's.
Perhaps you would understand
How you will survive.
Every breath that you breathe
Is proof your alive.
I am here so please
Don't let your face fall.
You are loved so stop
Feeling nothing at all.
If only you knew what we do.

Bench press me
Lift me up
Hold me close.
So that I
May feel that
I am important.

Set me down
Walk away to
The total gym.
I am simple
Far to simple
To keep you
Entertained, amused, Amazed.

Yet I find
I need you
I love you
You leave me.

I wont miss the feeling of helplessness,
Wactching you run away from yourself,
And snap back like a too tight rubber band.
I wont miss the look of anger at me,
For not being able to make the world perfect,
Or for forcing you to think for a moment.
I wont miss the heavy cloud of fustration,
You can't just set up camp in unhappiness,
Thats not home man, keep walking.
I wont miss the sharp pins of sadness,
I cant help you if you think your fine,
I cant watch you tear yourself to peices.
I wont miss the comments designed to maim,
Or the attempts to make me suffer for my feelings,
But my friend ... I will miss you.

I love you, steadfastly
Like the moon misses the sun
Reflective and from a distance.

Wondering I wish
When our paths cross again
Who are you, I don't know you anymore

Perhaps, I never did
You move paths I cannot fathom
But never did I wrong your damaged heart

I never burnt as bright
And out of control
I know myself far better now

You are separate and beautiful
Let your joy guide your actions
From afar

If ever it gets too heavy
Find me
I will lift you up again

Have you seen her?
That raincloud girl?
Who’s father beat like thunder
With words that cut like lightning
Who’s sunshine mother warmed all
But never stopped the storm from coming.

Have you seen her?
That handmedown girl?
Passed from one family to another
With constant conflicting opinions
And a borrowed sense of conviction
That never quite fit her right.

Have you seen her?
That sad little girl?
Who grew up believing in faerie-tales
With faith in every misspoken sentence
Who waits on every text message
Despite the repeating heartbreaking goodbyes.

Have you seen her?
That copycat girl?
Who somehow never changes
With her fragile coat of innocence
Who looks like me in mirrors
But she will never be again.

One, two, three, four,
I can't take these words anymore,
And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for.

And you, you called me all the names,
I'm a ***** its a game,
And you ended it before, before it became,
Became what I wanted what I needed
And I'm shamed.
Shamed that I cared,
Shamed that I groveled,
Shamed I was scared.
And I let you walk over me,
Me. The scarred queen bee,
I offered you my heart and gave you the key
And you played me.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

And they say,
Beer before liquor never sicker,
But I beg to differ,
Because the words that you say nauseate,
And if I could I would recreate
That feeling.
But words, words,
They just don't come out,
Sitting here in silence when I want to shout.
The things that I say get so twisted and abused,
Maybe forgotten is better then used.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

I gave you my heart
And you tore it apart,
And I know I should have saw it,
Should have stopped it,
Should have dropped it,
But you can't blame a girl for her fantasy.
In a world where they want to throw her down,
down,
face up on the ground,
Broken dreams and beliefs
Lying all around,
And I can't see the stars anymore.

And maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for.
Not anymore.

Living with a partner who
Thinks they are fine
And refuses to get help
Is not an easy thing

Living with a partner who
I cannot diagnose
I am not a doctor
But they treat me like I am

You never know who
You are coming home to
Who he is with
Or who he will be

Why then do we
Always blame ourselves
And try to be better
When we were always
Good enough
To begin with.

When I say listen
They all think netflix
I don't mean stories.

If I could just say,
This has been the best day,
I would.
But it hasn't,
And your not listening.

It doesn't matter if I run across the country
Or if I try to stand completely still,
Pieces of you still surround me.

I am lonely in these sheets we once slept
Entangled and entwined in,
Your forgotten socks litter the rooms corners.

And though you say you feel nothing for me,
I couldn't help but lay in bed and check,
The pillow is smells like you do.

I know the world has not been fair to you.
Despite how many people try to get you through,
This war we call a revolution.

Even if this is only single custody,
You can always, always count on me,
I will make you a better way.

You are my brighter day

I am beginning to lose my words.
I couldn't pronounce democracy,
I cant remember the word for objects,
I forget what some things mean.
Years ago I was the english class favorite.
I was an actor, a singer a speech maker,
I read presentations for the school-board.
Now I am having trouble reading, period.
I am beginning to lose my coordination.
My hands just wont do as I say,
Sometimes they break into tremors,
I drop things if I don't take precautions,
I can't use scissors without it looking dumb.
I am beginning to lose my focus.
Things just don't fit together anymore.
Its not that I'm not trying I swear,
I'm just becoming so, so slow.
But I'm not slow enough not to notice,
That I am terrified.

Why?
Why inside your constant world of upheaval did you place me
Why did you love me, hold me, make me believe again
I didn't want to believe again.
The world is so much easier when you have no heart or soul.
Why do you treat me like a yo-yo, a catalyst
A here today gone tomorrow but back again the day after.
You don’t want to know me, but you love me.
I hang on every word, every copper coated memory
And I dream of tomorrow with nothing but laughter
But still between the lines you give me pain

And I love you regardless

I am counting minutes,
I am counting seconds,
Pieces of time to avoid you.
I know in an hour you'll be gone,
And I can enter the Y in peace.
I am angry.
Oh so very angry.
I lived without feeling before,
Without the security,
The peace of knowing you are loved,
By your mom, dad, friends and family.
Even my sister, best friend, closest confidant,
Spent a year avoiding me.
I ****** up.
But now I know what empty is.
So when something so brilliant,
Bright and beautiful,
As you shows up,
It paints my sky in colors.
I'm bad at giving things up,
Especially when I believe in them.
But this silence I will uphold,
Because you give me no other option,
But to breath with bright and biting pain.
So I sit here counting seconds,
I'll break it if I see you.
I think about hating you sometimes,
But I never can,
And trying is exhausting.

I'm sorry,
Not for the naivety that set me up for disaster.
The dreams and beliefs of fifteen year old me,
That divorce, death and pain destroyed.
When a father can look at his daughter and say,
This is your fault, when you ran,
I told your mother you weren't worth looking for.
I hope that this feels, that it eats at you,
That you carry this divorce as your burden,
That it digs at you and you can never put it down.
When your grandparents, aunts, uncles and parents go to war,
And you’re the poster child, ripped into pretty shreds,
You learn what worthless feels like.
When you pour your broken beaten heart,
Into the hands of your best friend,
You find a place to hide the scraps of remaining faith.
But when you find another heart,
Beating loudly under his pillow at night,
Who has eyes prettier then you, prepare.
In conversations about how they will touch, taste
Each other, you learn what stupid worthless feels like.
Once you told me I am suppose to be unbreakable.
Perhaps it seems that way because I've seen broken.
I've screamed from the bottom of life’s glass lined pit,
Looking for help and mercy.
But I am not unbreakable.
He was right in some ways I am broken.
Find the right spot, poke it, I bleed,
Even if you don't see it.
But I am so, so sorry,
For being quicker to believe I was worthless to you,
Then that I mattered.
I guess that's a part of me that stayed broken,
With its edges all lopsided.
And I'm so sorry if I hurt you,
With my broken pieces and disbelief.
So unbelievably sorry.

One more moment of whispered silence,
One more handhold, squeeze, release.
One more thought to unplanned failure,
One more tear from you to me.

One more step to clear the doorway,
One more goodbye, tears, we're free.
One more drink to ease to sorrow,
One more motel room door-key.

One more pill to fill the emptiness,
One more wrist slit, bleed, relief.
One more mourner on my grave mound,
One more thing I don't believe.

Sweetheart I say
Romance is a dead art
CPR can only sustain us for so long.

I'm going to listen to the masters play

I hate that feeling,
When you can't lift the barbell anymore.
Then your brother walks in to the gym,
Looking at me like I'm a foreign species.
But in his eyes I see you looking at me,
Tracing my skin, loving my corners,
And walking away.
Suddenly 12 reps doesn't seem like enough,
And I need to punch something.

A small child screams and they all turn round,
Captive attention for a simple frown.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.

Stifled screams mixed with broken glass,
Everybody wondered, but nobody asked.
Standing in the middle of this everyday,
He's finally decided they can have it their way.

Six feet of rope and the words cut deep,
Whoever you are you don't wanna be me.
Lost in a world where nobody cares,
***** this life its to hard to bear.

Black shoes dangling from an open closet,
Trouble at home and hes finally lost it.
Headlines screaming of hate and rage,
Nobody's found him for thirteen days.

Finally at peace with the graveyards silence,
A welcomed break from the former violence.
The preachers preaching of what went wrong,
And heavens singing the get lost song.

Over a thousand kids have all given up,
Problems with society , enough is enough.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.