reading through old bits of writings
i knew would never amount to anything
and oh, what angst

I lose myself to the wind again, blown apart like a dandelion wasted on a wish, and I wonder if you're trying to paint with all my colors

i punched the
elephant in the room
square in the face
square. in. the. face.
with all the force
i could muster
from the raw vulnerability
that pulsed through my veins

and the elephant looked
right into my eyes
baby blues with a blooming iris
freeing the seeds of thought
that had lay dormant within

yes, that elephant looked
right into my eyes
and laughed.

                                       laughed

and with its
seven foot long trunk
it ****** out
e
  v
     e r
           y   l
                  as
                       t
                                  d
                            ­          r
                                               o
                                                        p

    ­                                       of feeling
                                    emotion
             ­                passion

and left me empty.

but hey, at least the elephant left.

i'm going to spill over one day
and i won't be able to stop it

it'll all come pouring out
down to the very last drop
forming a pool of pent up emotions
surrounding us and
soaking our sneakers

and as soon as the last drop falls
i'll freak out and
run for paper towels

but it won't be enough
because it all poured out
and you soaked it in
and that'll be it

i'll be
         e
                 m           p
                                           t
                                                            y.
­
And i'll never know until it happens
whether you'll fill me back up
or walk away from the mess

part of me wants to know which
and the other part of me doesn't want to be left empty.

I want to be with you.

Plain and simple.

I feel it all the time
The need to tell you about my day
Or ask you about yours

It's not even that I have much to say, it's just that I want you beside me while I'm studying or when I'm cooking dinner
And especially when I wake in the morning
Because just your presence
Makes everything better
Makes everything okay

not being together is the only thing that doesn't make sense anymore.

could you just be with me?
And make it all make sense
Because if we don't end up together, I don't know what to make of sense.
What of sense.
What.

I don't think I can turn around from here.
Please don't make me turn around.

the smile that spread
across my face when
I received your text
makes me nervous

and the happy dance
I did when you
asked me to lunch
alarms me

*i don't wanna crash again

i
don't
think
i
have
ever
wanted
anything
more
than
i
want
     ­                     *you

I want to travel the world with you and see the way your eyes light up when you see how beautiful it is, and when you see it I want to feel your hand tighten around mine as if to say are you seeing this, are you! I want to travel the world with you and look back through the pictures only to find that my favorites are the candids of you with another change of scenery in the background. I want to travel the world with you and pinpoint on the map every place I fell in love with you all over again. I want our love story to go as far and wide and deep as this world will allow.


*let's get lost

what if i'm not actually real
what if i'm just a figment of your imagination

*it's okay, because i'm happy you exist, even if it's just in my head

all my poems ****
because you drain out
every beautiful phrase
I've ever formulated
and fill the space
with your empty promises

How have I managed
To surround myself with
The self-destructive

I watch them
As they look in the mirror
With their flawless faces
Reflecting their beautiful spirits

And all they see is
Necessary changes
Repulsion
Self-hatred

If you, perfection,
Can look in the mirror
And only see flaws
How can you ever manage
To look at me

How will I
Ever stand a chance
Against your critical eyes?

I watch you eat up all the
Little freshman girl attention
Like the typical frat boy
I thought you weren't

And I finally understand
What it really means
To be disappointed in a person

I hate myself
For seeing the real you
This summer
And believing
You'd be the same
When we came back

I want to say I hate you for it


But I can still feel your arm
Wrapped around me
And I can still hear
The way your breathing picked up
As my fingertips traced circles
On the back of your hand
As you pulled me closer
On the last night I was home
       the last night of the summer
       and probably what will be our last night

I've never fallen in love
And I guess that means I've never fallen out of love either

And I guess I'm just trying to figure out at what point you realize you don't actually love their laugh or the dimple that accompanies it on their left cheek
Or when does their groggy morning voice become repulsive instead of adorable
And when do you notice that instead of butterflies you have withering wings wilting away in your stomach

I'm just trying to figure out when you decide that everything you ever wanted and everything you ever imagined for your future becomes something you just leave behind

I like scars.

And not in the way like
I like to self injure
Or enjoy the feeling of pain

I just like having
An etched out
String of memories
On this canvas
Of a body
The canvas I can't
Take with me
When the ride is over

Might as well
Give it a good story to tell

I pray
                   
                     everyday


That I [haven't] met
                                           

                   ­                         You yet

Because

[if I have]


You are          
                                                              f­  a  i  l  i n  g



       to

                           S.P.A.R.K.

                                                        my interest

I would say that my heart aches for you

But Webster says to ache is to suffer from a cotinuous dull pain

The pain is continuous but it's far from dull

It's more like
A constant tingle in my toes, anxious to leap off the edge and fall with you
A rigidity in my muscles that keeps me from grabbing your waist and pulling you closer
A tossing and turning in my stomach, a stomach that doesn't understand if this feeling is reciprocated butterflies or unrequited nausea

It's more like a burning fire on my lips that can only be extinguished by the ice upon yours

baby, it's far from a dull feeling

The smell of the sweatshirt you left here that one time three years ago still lingers in my nose


Today I noticed your lips for the first time and their flawless shape
And oh, how soft they must be to touch
Your last words, no matter how redundant, ring in my ears
And my hand can still feel the grip of yours, even if the meeting was brief
I thought your pupils were dilated when I realized I couldn't find where your pupil ends and your iris begins
A rich brown I never noticed before

The defined jaw line stands as a reminder of
how much you've grown since the time you left your sweatshirt here
how much time has passed since we reached the fork of our relationship

                                                 when I went right

and you went left

and our paths began to divert in such opposite directions

why do I have
                                such a
                                                            desire

for something
                               so

                   **toxic

At  a music festival
Among sixty thousand others
I managed to spot you

We both knew the other
Would be here,
But figured there'd be
Too many people,
Too large of a crowd
And not enough cell phone
Service to go around,
To bother trying to find the other
Especially since we haven't spoken
Since, well,
                                           you know

      But here you are.

Eight rows of people ahead
Through the most perfectly spaced gap
I spot your face
Turned slightly to the right
Of where I am standing

I watch you laugh at what
A friend behind you said
You cut your hair
just the way I like it
And your smile still
Makes me go weak at the knees

It's this moment that people write books about, paint pictures of, this moment filmmakers write whole screenplays revolving around

Where two people make eye contact from across a crowd, and instantly the spark is ignited, or reignited, and their fate is written, the opening to their love story that, without their control, is set in stone, perfectly planned out stepping stones that lead to happily ever after

But you never turned my way
And we never made eye contact
And my text that said
I see you! :)
Didn't go through until
Hours later

I guess this wasn't our moment.  
                                 our relapse
                                 our love story.

                                                         I guess this means
                                                         we really are not
                                                  m  e  a  n  t   t  o   b  e

Checking up on you
And making sure you're
Doing alright has made
It's way to the the
Top of my priorities

And it's not just you,
It's everyone
Are you alright without her
Did he call you back
Have your parents worked it out
Maybe the job offer will call tomorrow

And yet.
I haven't made my way
To the top of
anyone else's list

Driving myself into the ground
To make sure everyone else
Is satisfied, and still not once
Has someone stopped
To ask if I'd like a shovel
To dig myself out of
Everyone else's mess
That's layered itself
On top of my own

So I'll pour myself
Another glass of wine
(At least it realizes
I need a break from this decay)
And wait for the day
You ask if I'm doing okay

today a dark cloud
hung over your head;
I could see it written
all over your face

instantly my skies turned grey
as your overcast spread
and I wished that my empathy
alone could take it away

but that stubborn cloud
would not leave you,
as my heart ached
for your sunshine

and that terrifies me.
that your sadness
means partly cloudy
for my forecast

i don't want my
mood to mirror
yours, but it's
impossible when the
highlight of my day
is hidden behind
pursed lips and
furrowed eyebrows

I can only pray
for clear skies
tomorrow, my dear
or I, too, shall
dwell in the darkness
with you

Sometimes I feel like
My tongue will just roll
Out of my mouth
Onto the floor,
Exhausted from trying
To put into words
The nonsense in my brain,
And then my entire body
melts into a puddle
A puddle that evaporates
Into minuscule gas particles
that fill the air
And create a vibe,
An understanding,
The aura of my feelings,
So my tongue can
Finally have a break

Today I caught myself

Thinking about you again

And I tried to tell myself I didn't actually like you

It was a long, bitter argument
Of pros and cons
And it ended with:
The only reason I like you
Is because of that
Twinkle in your eye

But then I started to wonder
If that twinkle in your eye
really exists
Do I like you because
you have that twinkle in your eye?
Or do you have that twinkle in your eye
because I like you?

The more I pondered this
The more puzzled I became

So I went through all the pros again
The things I noticed before the twinkle

That ornery half smile
The way I always catch you singing along with the radio
when you think nobody's listening
The pitiful face you have when you're stressed
The butterflies in my stomach when I see you walking my way
Those goofy socks
Your adorable struggles with the coffee machine
Your smiling blue eyes
How I felt an instant connection with you

How could the cons even compare?

But the single item opposed
overpowers this seesaw

the girlfriend.

and every time I accept this realization
you shoot me with that twinkle again
wash.rinse.repeat.

i watch your fingers flow
across the black and white keys
like the way rain drops sprinkle
atop the roof, so delicately and natural

i imagine those fingers
pitter-pattering across
my overly ticklish skin
oh, how i'd giggle and squirm

i watch the keys tremble
they, too, let out a giggle,
in their own pitch,
at the hands of your touch

i imagine what they'd
say to you if they could
utter any other tune

they'd probably say no one else
could play quite like you do,
with your pirouetting fingers
dancing up and down the scales

the only objections would come
from your piano bench
getting weaker and weaker
more brittle, as you get
deeper and deeper into
more hauntingly beautiful compositions

but me, i don't want you
to stop playing, piano man
for, it is only your melodies
that act as remedies
for my ever-wavering state of mind

i wake up with dried tears on the side of my face

i went to sleep smiling,
i thought
i dreamt of you,
as i remember

but i woke up with dried tears on the side of my face

perhaps my eyes see something
that my brain has not yet processed

they see your eyes trail off
when I'm enthused about my day
they see the way your body
is always slightly turned away

my brain gushes about the
sweet text you sent last week
and the future that could lie ahead

but my eyes are the realists
and don't ignore what my brain blocks
they notice the other girls
listed in your inbox

and my eyes know that
they've seen this all before
and the visions in my head
don't align with what you have in store

so my brain might be behind
and take some time understand
that these tears i wake up with
are not a deformity of my lacrimal gland

instead they are trying to fill me in
on what i am trying to ignore
and all these poems i waste on you
i will soon learn to deplore

i don't want to wake up with
dried tears on my face anymore.

I turn away from you and begin to fall asleep,
when I feel your hand rest on the curve of my side
My skin crawls with the electricity ignited by your touch
My heart rate escalates to a speed that vibrates every cell in my being
Making me certain you can feel it in the fingertips that now sit on my hip
Goosebumps prickle every inch of my skin
I try to reach for your hand but I'm paralyzed
Paralyzed by the idea of you retreating if I move even a centimeter
My muscles become rigid as they are flooded by the adrenaline pulsing through my veins
At this point breathing is the only function I can try to control
Slow down your breathing, he'll know for sure how fast your heart is racing
Speed it up, he'll think you're actually asleep
My brain processes a million electric signals that point me towards the dead end of this makes no sense boulevard
And then the silence is broken by the softest whisper ever to reach the inner workings of my ear
"Are you awake"
The spell of paralysis that I was under is broken
I turn to face you and when our eyes meet, it's a snapshot I will forever lock away in the file marked things to hold on to
Tomorrow this will all seem like a dream,
We'll laugh and chat in front of our friends as if everything's the same
And two weeks from now when I try to put into words the electricity of this moment, it won't suffice
But right now all I want is for your lips to meet mine
And for it to make no sense
But make more sense than anything ever has

I'll pretend that was your way of dropping a hint
And cling on to it like kindergarteners do to their parents on the first day of school
I'll probably hold on for dear life for a while
But before long I'll realize school isn't so bad, and the rest of the world still has a lot to offer,
so I'll  let go and never look back again,
Almost as if I've forgotten you,
But then you'll come back
And I'll run up to you and jump in your arms as if I've been gazing out the window the whole time, waiting for your return

Until next time, my friend

call me autumn
i'll be the giant pile of crunchy red-brown leaves for you to jump in
i'll be the ugly sweater you love so much that you pull out on the first cold day
i'll be the pumpkin that you dredge out the insides of and carve a jack-o-lantern face on

call me winter
i'll be the christmas morning that greets you with a heap of presents under a twinkling tree
i'll be the warm cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows after you come in from the snow
i'll be the groundhog that assures you there will be an early spring to end your wintertime blues

call me spring
i'll be the umbrella you dig out of your trunk that keeps you dry in the unexpected storm
i'll be the large cup of coffee that stays up with you through all-nighters before finals
i'll be the first flower you see in bloom after a long and cold winter

call me summer
i'll be the rays of sunshine that tan your flawless skin
i'll be the cold shower you take cause that ****** air conditioner is broken again
i'll be the hammock that you lay on as you stargaze and think about all the galaxies that stream above

no one wants to be
the seats at the
front of the movie theater
where you only sit
if all the other seats are taken

no one wants to be
late night television
which you only flip to
cause it's better than
infomercials on QVC

no one wants to be
that t-shirt at the bottom
of the drawer, that you
only wear because all
your other clothes are *****

no one wants to be
wanted at three AM
when you're bored
and lonely cause everyone
else is asleep

no one wants to be
used.

I break my back again;
a gymnast I never was,
scoring a 6.5, never a perfect ten,
putting myself through hell because
being flexible for your needs
has always been at the top of my priorities.

but you never were a chiropractor
and my desires were never
even considered as a factor
when you chose your next endeavor

so I just keep bending backwards for you,
nearing my demise
as the life drains from my eyes
and my face turns a deep shade of blue.

Darkness never was my friend

At age five
It was a monster
A monster that
Could eat me alive
If momma forgot
To turn on my night light

At age ten
It was a reminder
A reminder that it
Was time to head home
And get ready for bed
The fun was over

At age sixteen
It was a cloak
A cloak that
Hid me from the reality of my choices
As I took another hit

At age seventeen
It was a reason
A reason to get wasted again
Cause what better to do than drink your sorrows away
In a small town once the sun's gone down

And now,
At age nineteen
It still haunts me:

The monsters sleep under
My bed cause momma doesn't turn
On the night light from 11 towns away

The reminders of all the
Things I should've done today but didnt
Compile themselves in long to-do lists for tomorrow

The cloak lets me hide from the outside
And obsess over all the things
I told myself I didn't care about in the light

And the reasons to get wasted
Are more abundant than ever
Making it more of a necessity
To escape the pressures building up all day

Darkness never was my friend.

I deliberate
You reiterate
It completely exhilarates
Me.
You eviscerate
My heart
From my chest
Like a secret art.
Before I know it
I'm exposed
Nothing left disclosed,
Nothing left to hide
And then you
Roll away, like the tide
Leaving me ashore
With nothing more
Than an empty
Chest cavity,
An abnormality.

As I stand there
In despair
you drift away
To another land
Where another girl
Will just as easily
Give you her hand,
Without knowing
That she'll never withstand
Your ever rolling tides.
And that she'll never be able
To get rid of the pain that subsides
Once you've stripped her
Down like you did I.

I'd cry
But I don't have a heart
To even really feel this goodbye.

this might not make any sense,
but when does our subconscious ever?

we were young. maybe like 13,
and you had these amazing eyes, that just looked into mine and knew everything about me and understood every fiber of my being.

we were at a pool party type thing.

but when all this was happening it seemed like it was just the two of us.

you were dragging me down under water, down down down

but you were staring into my eyes and smiling, and i felt safe.
you wouldn't let me drown

we were trying to find something, well i felt like we were trying to find something, but you were just looking at me. looking into my eyes without a care in the world.

we kept swimming deeper and deeper and i was thinking we were getting pretty deep and should be running out of air,

and i was at the bottom of the pool, still looking for something and you swam away
and pulled two other girls under water but just barely,
not as deep as you dragged me,
and they resurfaced in minutes

for a second i thought you would leave me down there,
but you didn't, you came back just as i was thinking i was really running out of air, but you grabbed my hand and the loss of air didn't seem like a problem anymore.

and you stared into my eyes with those smiling eyes and my eyes were smiling back and deep down i was scared i would drown, but you still hadn't a care in the world. so neither did i

you were pulling me up, up, up
and finally we broke the surface and i gasped for air
and i realized just how out of breath i was

and i was hyperventilating, taking in the air, realizing how close i really was to drowning
and you asked me,
you never came up for air?

and i dont know exactly what i said,
if i said anything,
but it was something like
i was waiting for you to come back for me.

The scar on my thumb,
The one left from
That broken
Dragon figurine
Whose sharp edge
Nearly sliced off
My finger;
Ya know,
The demon face thing
I swore had
Bad karma
But slipped in
my pocket
And brought home
From the party anyway?
Well it stares
At me every night
With its menacing eyes
And taunting smile,
And reminds me
Of the night
That my fingerprint
Was changed,
As was
Our history.
Forbidden kisses
Under my sheets
Cause it won't matter
tomorrow, right?

Well I've been
picking at the scab
Every time
I think of you
and yet,
It's still healing.

Wish I could
Say the same
For my sanity.

Maybe in another place
You're the one
Pining to see My face

Maybe in another time
You're the one
Attempting to write a rhyme

Maybe in another circumstance
You're the one
Wishing to catch my glance

Or maybe, just maybe,
In another place
I'm waking up
In your embrace

Maybe in this other time
We're together
And doing better than fine

Maybe in that circumstance
You weren't such a *****
And actually took a chance

But all these maybes
only exist in my mind
and in this universe
you're still blind.

*******.

i saw a rainbow today.
and i wanted to cry
because of how pleasing
it was to the eye

i wished it was the first
rainbow i ever saw,
so i could experience
a rainbow for the first time in awe.

and then i tried to remember
the first time i saw such a beautiful sight
and i couldn't remember it.
my memory was contrite

i couldn't remember, can't remember,
where i was,
how i felt,
who i was with,
if it made my heart melt.

i can't remember how amazed i was
or if i was amazed at all

did i even care?
did i even begin to realize
just how remarkable that display was?
the display
of such an array
of colors
strewn across a pale blue sky
almost like dye

and did i even begin to realize
what it really meant?
that the clouds can pour out all that they have
down to the very last drop,
drowning the earth
and all its inhabitants
and yet,
as the ground tries to
recover from this flood,
the sky can display something
more beautiful than my
young, developing brain
could've ever imagined.

did my reaction give that first rainbow
the recognition it deserved?
why hadn't my memory
worked harder to keep it preserved?

did that rainbow
ever get to know
just how beautifully
it glowed?

i hope it did.

cause everyone
needs to hear
how beautiful they are.
especially you, my dear
rainbow.