I wanted to capture every minuscule detail of that fifteen minute time frame and lock it away in a time capsule deep in the corners of my brain where the deterioration of memory couldn't get to it.

how your lips felt against mine
the slight scratch of stubble I felt against my chin
how soft the skin of your back felt on my fingertips
how happy I was in that moment
the moment I'd dreamt of for years

I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

Stopped up thinking about the
shoulda
coulda
woulda

I should've told you how I felt
I should've followed through with all the promises I made to myself
I should've taken more chances

I could've changed the ending to our story
I could've been thin and beautiful and full of confidence
I could've stolen that kiss when I thought I had the chance

I would've had the relationship I used to lie awake thinking about
I would've been happier and healthier and turning heads
I would've lived without the what ifs that now loom around my thoughts

but then again,
You should've told me what I meant to you before it was too late.
I could've been perfect, but it still wouldn't have been good enough for you.
I would've been caught up with someone that wasn't right for me

and that's why what I should've done isn't what I did
and how I could've been isn't what my reflection shows
because what would've been isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Sleeping with your arms around me,
And your breath on the back of my neck,
The warmth of your body
Replacing my need for any blanket
The way my hair completely drowns you,
But you don't mind
I jolt awake at the usual feeling of falling
But your arms remind me
That there will always be someone,
Something holding on to me,
Even when my body has stopped fighting gravity.

Your lips gently whisper
Good morning upon my cheek
And I'm reminded that
no matter what happens today,
Tomorrow morning will begin
The same way.
And that makes everything okay.

you saw it.
I know you did
I left the door unlocked,
and you walked right in.
I'm not blaming you,
I'm not shaming you,
but you saw it.

that tear.
you said, sorry, my dear
for bothering you,
and I said, no,
it's okay,
just something I'm working through.
I didn't want to talk about it.
But your curiosity hasn't gone away.

I wish I could fill you in
(I wish these walls weren't so paper thin)
but letting you see
that part of me
would be like
letting you into
the dark corner of my mind.
I keep this dark corner of mine
dimly lit and blocked off
from everyone else,
(often even myself).

I closed that chapter,
I ended that darkness.
I pride myself on being bright.
If I let you in there,
it will be too much to bear.
The darkness will seep out,
it will engulf me throughout.
The blackness of that corner
could instantly turn me into a mourner.
I don't know if I could bring back my light.
I pride myself on being bright.

but you saw it.

so now I guess my secrets out
my darkness is creeping about.
I pride myself on being bright
and act as if I'm full of light
because I've seen
how dark morning can be
when you've been demeaned
by the horrors of night.

green
like your eyes.
a shade of green
i had never seen
before i met you.
it truly is a beautiful hue.

green
like st. patty's day
when we were so close
and i wanted you most
but you were so gone
you would've forgotten by dawn.

green
like the grass
on the other side
where we collide
and wonder why
we waited so long to try.

never knew that green
would ever mean
so much to me.
i wonder if blue
has a similar meaning for you.

i want to hate her

i want to hate her
because she had you first.
if the roles were reversed
i wonder if she would want to hate me too

i want to hate her
for still being around
and making me feel like the rebound
i wonder if she even knows about me and you

i want to hate her
because she makes me feel so inferior
and not just because of her exterior
i wonder if she's still the one you turn to

i want to hate her
but I know she's the one with the heart ache
when we met, she complimented my hair, for christ's sake
she's so nice I wish I could call her fake
but that would be a mistake.
i wonder if i'll ever get used to
the fact that she's the one i will never be able to outdo.

i want to hate her
but i can't
and that makes me hate
her even more.


*when did i become so pathetic.

The force pulling me home is stronger than
the pull of gravity at my feet.

Like the way
the negative side
is drawn to
the positive side
of a magnet;
No matter how many times
you pull them apart
No matter how far
you separate them,
eventually they're drawn
to each other again.

For years, I've told myself
I could do this on my own.
I would do this on my own.
Move half way across the world
And never blink.
But here I am, only an hour away,
and reaching the brink.
Surrounded by the creaking.

The creaking of the reel
on the fishing pole
that is my home.

I flail,
and I flail
as the tension grows harder to fight,
as the line becomes more tight.
Trying to resist
but the hook
digs deeper
in my cheek
and causes me to reach my peak,
Diminishing the belief that I wasn't weak.

And I release.

The strain becomes cooperation,
the pain becomes alleviation,
Oh, how mundane was this resignation.

Cause I know deep down
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I can't ignore
that you're only doing this
because you adore
the daughter who got a bit offshore.
You just want to measure
how much I've grown
And then toss me back
to find my own
but sometimes I'm scared to be alone.

The only reason
for my treason
revolves around the fact
that I don't think I'll go back.

The devil that you know
is better than the devil that you don't.
Stay in the boat and suffocate
never to swim again,
or be thrown back with the sharks,
where your future is up to fate.

"Life begins at the end
of your comfort zone,"
is what they taught me.
But it's the unknown
that continues to taunt me.

The thrill of never knowing what's next,
the longing for home that's given me a complex.
These are the effects
of writing your own checks
and facing shipwrecks
once you've moved on to the next
phase.

I'll have to accept that
gone are the easy days.
And there's all different ways
to get through the maze.
and no matter how far my mind strays,
a piece of my heart, it stays.
At home.

I wonder if you even notice
The way I completely lose focus
Whenever you bring up her name.

Any life I had in my eyes drains
Automatic smile
Fake laugh
At all the right pauses
Racking my brains for what I'll reply
And I bet you don't even notice.

I know we've talked about it
And she's just a friend now,
But that doesn't keep my stomach
from dropping,
And that doesn't keep my heart
from stopping,
Whenever you bring up her name.

It's not that I want you to erase her
And I'm not trying to replace her,
But how will I ever face her
When I'm wondering if every time
You're holding me, you wish to embrace her.
I'm not expecting you to misplace her,
Misplace a chunk of your life,
But I know she's the one you
Pictured as your wife.

At what point will memories of me
supersede memories of her,
bringing you nearer.
At what point will we proceed
and will she recede
into the rear view mirror.

How do I compare to perfection?
With her flawless complexion
and your everlasting connection.
Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion
But this distortion isn't far from the truth,
I can become that perfection through all types of contortion
And still she'd be the love of your youth.

The first cut is the deepest,
And the first hurtle is the steepest.
I'd love to be the force to push you over,
But even after that
I think you'd still love her.

Days I don't see you
Are empty.
What did I do today,
You ask?
Couldn't tell you,
Don't remember.

Days I do,
I take in every moment.
What you were wearing,
How the weather was,
The shade of your eyes today,
The shade of mine.

When did you
Suddenly become
All I think about
All I dream about.

When did my
Thoughts of you
Suddenly overpower
My thoughts
Of anything else.

Is there any turning back now?

Going to sleep
Thinking of you
Wondering if
You're thinking of me
I pray that you are
I pray that it's true
I keep trying to
Talk myself out of this
But I can't
I keep trying to resist
But this bliss
I can't miss,
And the kiss
I await
Raises my heart rate.
I'm trying not to rush it
I'm trying not to crush it
But I blush
And turn to mush
Every time you're around
It's like I've finally found
Who makes me happy
I just don't want to be
The rebound
Trying to give you
Your space
But you're not giving up
On the chase
So I erase
From my face
Any sign of a frown
And begin to
Bring down
The walls
I've built so high
Cause I feel like
This connection
Is hard to come by
Just don't be shy
And try
To make your move
And disprove
All my doubt
And make a sprout
Emerge from this drought.
I had given up
Until this hiccup
And now I can't work up
The courage
To believe
That what I perceive
Is not a mirage
And the heart
On your sleeve
Is not trying to deceive
It's just hard for me
To believe
That this is real.
That someone could
Actually feel
What I feel
That this is the real deal
And that I should not conceal
The light
That you ignite
Whenever you're in my sight
I'm just wondering
If you, too, are
thinking of this tonight.

I can't figure out
The color of your eyes,
It intrigues me.
I can't figure out
What lies behind them,
It fatigues me.

Please just relieve me
And give rise
To what's behind the disguise
That perplexes me.
Please just fulfill me plea
And explain exactly
What it means
When you look at me
With those blues and greens.
I think you feel it too
But the doubt just intervenes.
And it could fall through,
The plans I thought might ensue.
Usually I can just look through
And subdue feelings like these,

But my heart can't
Ignore what it sees
And my mind can't
Deny, it agrees
That when you look at me
With those eyes
It implies
That this defies
The norm
And what underlies
Will take form.

Please just resolve
This confusion I bear.
Please just dissolve
This despair that we share.

I swear, I won't dare
Drop my feelings
If you care.
I don't mind a reroute
If this isn't what you're about.

I just can't figure you out.

i thought i knew what this meant.

heaven-sent
my heart, i lent
my dreams, you bent
and molded,
a new self i had to invent
so you would be content
with the changes i underwent.

but the truth unfolded,
revealed your intent,
came and went.
to what extent
had you meant
to drag this on,
you had withdrawn
you had been gone
but you kept me pent
up in your torrent
unable to vent
until this lament.

you can't repent,
i won't relent,
you can't prevent
my resentment
towards you,
cause it's true
i was too blind
to mind
being confined and defined
by your design.

but it's true
i grew,
i bid adieu
to the girl you knew.
her time is done
cause it's begun
the end of reruns.

no longer will time be misspent.
ourselves we must reinvent.
i think you know what this meant.