my heart is tired
but it’s anxious at the same time
and it stays up all night
i had this ideal in my mind
perhaps it does not exist
what is a good relationship?
is it this?
there is a tug of war in my head
sure it’s anxiety,
but it’s also my subconscious thoughts
or maybe i need meds?
to put these thoughts to bed
there’s so many great things about us
but when we’re bad, we’re bad
i suppose that’s how a lot of people are
the heartbreak doesn’t stop when you’ve found someone who has reciprocated
but why should i be the one to mend it every time?
shouldn’t we be doing that for each other?

What if I become undone
What if you aren’t the one
These what if’s in my brain
Are making me go insane
I’m not in control of my happiness
And every small thing makes me cry
The thought of being alone
Grows scarier by the minute
If you aren’t the one
I will become undone

Why am I like this
Why am I always scared
I saw you a few days ago
Of course you actually care
I get in my head all the time
About the little things
But something tells me you’re not mine
But of course you are
Why I am doing this to myself?
Is there any truth to my overthinking?

i am scared to say it
because i really feel it
you hold me close
and i feel home
i want to say it a million times
because i see it with you
and no one else--
  i
    love
            you.

you understand my in's and out's
you know how to make me happy
you're patient with me and treat me so well
in the bedroom, you've got me under a spell
you're everything i need and want
there have been situations
where you have treated me so well that i've realized my own trauma
further proving you are so right for me
i know i was timid and shy in the beginning about letting my guard down
but you've broke through my walls
and i couldn't be happier to call you mine.

i like how this feels
and what it could be
you're a movie trailer of a love i’ve wished for
finally i see it with you
but we are no where close to the ****** of the story
so i'll take this step by step
and enjoy the ride
with you

Time
You have four years to complete this degree
then you must, you must be ready to know what to do
for if you don't, you will end up back here doing the same thing
Pressure
You must do good on this exam
and every exam, every project, if you miss one you will not be successful
If you don't do good it means you're not smart enough
you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough!
Stability
Why would you study something you like? Don't you know you will be living in a tent if you do that?
You need money, you need money, you need money
Me
I am trying to find the thing that gives me a greater purpose
is it here? is it here? is it here?
An abundance of thoughts flashes through my brain
and it's a lot.
Bringing me down to my knees, hugging my pillow, crying as my dog probably starts to worry
Is this it?

I'm  not used to being treated this well
Gone through many, you can probably tell
But I haven't been this hurt in a while
And I know it's because you made me smile
It was short lived but it was lovely
Then we realized you had someone in your mind
If only I had seen it, but you were just so kind
I know you didn't mean it, maybe that's what makes it worse
But you still think of her, so I'm stuck with this curse
I'm shocked but not surprised, as my serotonin decreases
Here's to being sad once again--my heart is in pieces.

two souls meet and worlds collide
conversation over a meal, we're both wide-eyed
smiles exchanged, connections were made
more dates but still no progress was displayed

there's nothing wrong with you nor me
i suppose we should set each other free
go our separate ways and move on with ours lives
before this starts to hurt, with heartbreak shown in our eyes

we may like what we see
but you think better is out there
and i'll be the first to disagree

but

i
  can't
           help
                   but
                         to wonder

maybe if the black in your eye had truthful intention
we'd be together in a different dimension

when will we get out of here?
here's some chocolate for the way back, dear
oh, when will we get out of here?
I want to know your story, I want to knack your brain
but it's not safe, but I'm glad you came
oh, when will we get out of here?
i lick some chocolate off your lips
for a moment I'm somewhere else in your kiss
oh, when will we get out of here?
go before they catch you and share some with your friends
I'll meet you next Sunday until we make it out in the end
oh, when will we get out of here?

i wanna cry but i don't
i wanna text you but I won't
i'm on the verge to burst
and i can feel it
but i won't do it first

distractions are growing
so i act easygoing
as if i'm not confused by you
and everyone else
i've already seen this through
and i should be done with you
but,
oh, i'm such a hypocrite

static night
city lights
as we watched from above

silent Denver
summer venture
on the roof top of the parking garage

meeting new lips
he holds my hips
until we start to see the sun rise

and

            then
            
                           something in me started to feel.

i think i'm tired of the games i play
i think i'm tired of being empty
i feed my happiness like it's your call
whether today's good or tomorrow i fall

i think i'm tired of pretending to be unattached
as if i'll be fine as soon as you unlatch
it's not that i'm scared being on my own
i don't know, maybe it's just *** hormones
but i feel like i need you to keep me content
to fill the emptiness that's oh so frequent

it's not that i need someone to sleep with me
i think i just miss intimate moments
in the midst of my stress trying to get a degree
i admit i don't think i'd actually commit to someone
but ****, it'd be nice to stay up with you till dawn

i don't need you to keep me sane
i think i'm just one of those like many
that have fallen into this cycle
and don't know how to get off the train.

I sit in the shower and let the hot water hit my back.

Hating my thoughts, oh how society has pushed

A racket that once hit is now managed by a robot.

My surroundings are blurry and so am I,

Lies are truth and the truth is a lie- I'm conceited.

Humane seems to be an abstract idea now,

But let the world smile, for its ratings are off charts,

While war and disease are taken care of,

I rot in my shower like a dead earth worm.



Wrapping my towel I enter the room

"Surprise!" Say all my friends, the world is better,

And then I. For once again, hope is restored.



Until I wake up and I'm in my bed.

i  listen to him while i smoke a cigarette
peaceful morning while he tells me his regrets
but that's why we're all here right?
regrets, drugs, addiction, the tempting night?
he talks about his wife and i listen
i miss being numb. his forehead glistens
i watch the smoke rise and disperse
i stop listening. i start to think about the universe
i think i'm a narcissist

we do this thing where we talk less, **** more
the only things we know about each other
barely catch a glimpse of what's at our core
coming over late, leaving early is our motto
this generation just doesn't want those feelings
we learn to not feel like its on ******* auto
and to my women who fall for these guys who like to play
who only call when they're desperate,
who only come over on a week day,
why do you let them have the power?
when its them who should be feeling sour?
babe you did nothing wrong,
you fell for a guy who led you on!
why do we ignore our intelligent intuition?
we let them have us under no conditions
when we knew they were bad news from the start
we keep on like they're not gonna break our hearts
the cycle repeats, you get over the last
but when someone new comes around
it's like we've already forgotten what happened in the past
optimism is what kills us, "oh he's not like the rest"
but as soon as these words sink in,
he'll be gone and you'll be a mess
listen to your intuition one time,
he doesn't want a relationship
he ain't ever there in the daytime
if that's not what you want, stop ignoring the signs
you're smarter than you think you are
don't act like he's your lifeline.

Waking up at 5am from a dream with you in it is not what I want
A dream where you didn’t look at me like a human being
Or that you wanted anything to do with me
But I guess the brain never moves on, just finds ways to distract itself for a while,
But just not long enough.

Haven’t spoken in a week
Skin is crawling I can’t sleep
What are you thinking what are your dreams
Because I’m giving up
**** I’m out of touch

I can’t ******* read minds

a memory chills my mind
what are you doing here?
we were pretty messed up then, huh?
But, have things changed?
If that wasn't my breaking point,
then I'm scared what will be...

I'm tired of looking
I want something real
Someone to touch
Someone who feels,
So utterly in love they sink into my skin
With just his energy, he makes me grin
I know what I don't want
I know what most want
I want you, and you're just out of touch.

infatuation or illusion
but I don't think it was ever love
always thought this was the conclusion
turns out it's none of the above

it's all, all over
all, all over
but I guess it's okay
I'll rediscover myself
all over again
I know I'm good at it
I find myself
quicker each time
stronger with each wound
I just hope
in the midst of all this,
you become better too.

huffing and puffing
I can't get out
heart's beating
mind's freaking
I can't even focus
I don't hear sounds
alone in my head
again

little things
turn monstrous
I couldn't sleep
only think
I'm returning to my toxic self

with the help
of one's words,
I become utterly nothing.

a collage of memories fill my head
I cannot decide which to focus on
there's the kitchen conversation with mom
how many pull-ups I could do with dad
drinking with my best friend for the first time
they're sad, they're proud, but they're exciting too
new adventures await, goodbye summer.

i dreamt that you shot me last night
my remains flew back onto the concrete
I knew it was a mistake to trust you

deep into the dark clouds
you can find my mind
hiding undercover
chained to the lightning
and drawn to the loud thuds of thunder
my mind goes where you wish it not
and I know you need me to believe you
to trust that you won't hurt me
but I'd rather stay here with the rain and rot
just amidst the eye of the hurricane
is where I slumber and close my eyes
for it is the most powerful winds and water
where I choose to sleep, where my anxiety will colonize
until the storm ends and the sun rises,
I will choose to stay here.

Do you remember when we used to run this town?
We'd always talk about getting out
Innocent within our bliss, things crossed off our bucket list,
Funny how quickly you moved on

You watched me drive off one last time,
Going separate ways--it was a sign

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and torturous
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm stronger
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it

Now you're there and all alone, while I regain my independence
Designing my essence
I chose to move on and become happy cause **** being sappy,
You started to rely on someone else immediately

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and dependent
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm happier
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it.

Pure sunshine on a stick
Playing Dress-up karaoke to Hilary duff
Ballet classes and birthday parties
You were only a day older than me

Childhood friends, you and me,
Chasing boys on the playground
Watching the wizard of oz
Southern roots we shared
Growing up in the Atlanta sunny weather

We parted after pre-school,
But we’d see each other here and there
It’s tough to see you here now,
why did they have to do an open-casket?
You don’t even look like you.

I see your college friends look at you and break.
I lose it
my hands shake, the tears come,
I don’t know what else to do,
But hug your mom.
I will never understand, I will never understand, I will never understand
Why your heart would just stop working

They’d always say,
Miss Caroline’s just pure sunshine on a stick!
God it was so true

Golden curly locks and big blue eyes
Your smile was contagious

You didn’t get to experience life fully
But the lives you touched,
The memories I and many others hold
let your soul be reborn.

you don't have to explain your worth to me
you see me as I am and not what I used to be
remember when we'd cry in the middle school bathroom?
sharing scars, we'd make ourselves bleed
it was chorus class I forgot to unroll my sleeves
and my friend saw it and stared at me, please,
please know everything is okay but I'm just a little lost
out of touch with what's around me, don't think I'm soft
but you, you are so much more
I don't want your heart to be sore
why is it that I don't even know who I'm talking to
you're my imagination, my muse, my core
you're the reason I shake and tremble,
you're the reason I have these thoughts
you're the reason these words have let me unwind, sometimes rot
but you always come and go and arrive unannounced
I always kind of want to keep you, but you always bounce.

Oh childhood friend,
What has this world done?
You were only a day older than me,
So we’d celebrate our birthdays together
And laugh and play in the Atlanta sunny weather

Oh childhood friend,
Your heart just stopped working
And there’s no explanation
To why it suddenly started hurting
But you were sunshine on a stick,
Flowers in bloom.

Caroline,
The birds sing for you today,
I’ll see you soon,
In another way.

Your smile
                
         is a slight breeze
                                        
                     on a beautiful,
                                                                  
                             sunny, summer day.

                                                             But oh,
              
                                                                    your mind
                            
                                                                                  is much,
                                          
                                                                                        much more.

You told me I have a healthy brain
I loved that you thought I was sane
but I fight with myself a lot sometimes too
about life, about people, about the rain
I know most of the time,
I have a good head on my shoulders,
but it's nights like these
that I'm being crushed by anxiety boulders
I overthink until I hypervenalate
I focus on the bad, I complicate
I worry about breaking down,
and having to pick up the pieces alone
again, and again, and again
and I worry once you find this out--
these flaws of mine, you will treat me differently,
and somehow that's the worst of it all.
Would you tell me then, do I still have a healthy brain?

I had my first dream about you
and that's when I knew I was doomed
because usually I don't remember my dreams
and you don't dream of me, I presume.

I knew I was doomed from my dream
because it showed me that I don't trust you
and though I want to, my guard is up
ugh the feelings are ******* cobalt blue

I really had been fine up until our last session
but when you showed emotion,
even ******* paid attention,
I lost my mind in your hue,
you're ******* cobalt blue.

I don't trust people
and it ******* *****
I actually quite like you
but it's just a ****
some temporary lovin
to **** time I'd have alone
temporary huggin
just to make me moan
might think otherwise
because the signs you've shown
but this will not be love
it's just tiptoeing through the unknown.

Bouncing ideas off me while I'm "asleep",
I don't believe you, talk is cheap.
Then when you tell me while I'm awake,
it's worded differently--sounds fake.
I don't understand how you can do this,
love two people then tell me you reminisce,
then go on planning our possible future,
like she doesn't even exist.

I hate feeling like a back-up plan.
I'll never feel special to you, but man,
it sure would be nice to be loved again.

I'm at the point of drunk, I'm at that point of drunk
I'm at that point of drunk, that I can't even really type.
All I do is think of you and I hate being at this point of drunk.
I had a dream about you.
I had a dream about you.
That I was in a car next to my spouse,
in a parking lot.
You were the car parked in front of me.
I laughed with my spouse, then suddenly saw you,
I saw you.
Opening the door for your wife and baby,
I saw you and froze in a trance.
You finally saw me, gave me a smile,
and I will never forget what that felt like.

a place where I could let loose,
play the notes, sing the words,
with you, oh how we'd produce,
beautiful, on-the-spot experiences,
harmonies that gave me goosebumps,
I miss those times.

acoustics, kisses, songs, laughs,
time stopped in the music room,
but it's also where our hearts broke in half
with trembling lips, we'd make-up,
and lay on the floor for hours,
telling me you'd never want to break up.

If I were an android
if my memories were only
but implants in my head
what happened to the one that made me?
are my eyes really dead?
defining the real through emotion,
does that make you think I'm fake?
Do I even exist to you?
For ****'s sake...

there's no drug that takes you away
no remedy that doesn't let you stay
if there was a cure, it be not Monday.

I wish you weren't scared
I wish you'd come to me
But I'm rational now,
Thoughts have settled,
thoughts have discovered,
that you'll always be scared.

How can I put up with this toxicity?
Where even when I'm near it,
I want to melt away...

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
not to tell you I love you
not to tell you I hate you
not to ask how you're doing
or get angry for what I just realized
because you waited a whole month to tell me
and in the mean time you still loved me,
and ****, you still might
who does that?

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to stop the dreams I have at night
of you holding her so tight
mad I'm still hung up on you
by now, I thought I'd be through
but I feel like it's just gotten worse and worse
the dreams are so vivid, **** this curse
great, I got to know what real love feels like
it hurts like a bullet, makes me want to fight

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to accept that I'll never have anyone like you again
unless you came back to me and tried to mend
what we had but I honestly hope I'd reject you
except I know I wouldn't and you know too.

seems
         rhymes
                    can't
                            even
                                    communicate
                                                        my
                                                            thoughts
                                                                       today
rage took over me,

                  heart's beating fast,

                                 I don't even know what to say.

I now realize how it initially began
one night changed everything, I wish I ran
instead I stayed, feeling your heat
and the passion seeping through the sheets
I wish I could've said no I can't come over
or only if I know you're completely sober
but it happened and I can't change that
and my friends keep telling me we need to chat
just know confrontation isn't my thing
so it probably won't happen but I do need to bring
your clothes back over at some point
oh how I dread hearing your viewpoint
because I know you don't feel the same
and I know you're going to say I'm to blame
for reading into every move you made at night
and how your smile one time was so bright
but I meant nothing to you and I know that
just let me down lightly while I stand on your door mat
and I'll eventually be alright.

I dove into the water without thinking
What the consequences would be while blinking
Salt stung my eyes and my vision ceased
I could still move my legs and arms at least
But I also tried breathing and couldn't
Get out of the water, I just wouldn't
I thought I saw a treasure at the bottom
Pretty, shiny thing that wanted to blossom
I went deeper and deeper till I could see it
But ended up being too out of reach
With disappointment, I reconfigured what to do
I looked up but I was trapped where are you
My vision finally collapsed and my breath was no longer
I was lonely and frightened which gave me time to wonder
I blamed you, but it was me, who became this monster.

It was of course you
Who made me make the decision
But I hold you not the blame
As the serpent slithers inside my brain
It eats away the feeling and the pain
Near you I am a tattered window
I'm a ghost of your past,
A fake whisper in your ear
And I'm sorry I said yes in the beginning
I recall no memories, oh I wish
My head would deny them all
But the pictures they're there
Oh how I wish, I wish to go blind
There is no closing for us
Departing in opposite realms of reflection
The best of times
I wish you luck in this game of insanity
Time doesn't stop, we mustn't be grey
It's worth for tomorrow, but not today.

Oh what a beautiful mess we've made
We've torn apart our love parade
And now it's empty and grey
Taking so much to let it all rust
Until it cracks and dulls; what's left of us

Cabin houses and Sunday hikes
There it shown; dreamlike
Good mornings, breakfast and goodbyes
I thought I'd be the one next to you, I'd lye

There's something strange in the air
Or the lacking of your presence there
Guilted by the face of your mother
I hide there; weak and brittle; undercover

The rain comes and I know it's for me
I've damaged a boy who used to be free

You took my arm, we began to sing
But the voice in my head; it's ring
"I love you, I'm sorry, but I...
I have lost myself in your eyes."

He peered from behind the garden of triumph
His face was white, and feared with the power of influence
I saw him through the gray stained glass window then,
In an ordinary position with his thumb in his mouth
Blurry, yet he still resembles what I made of him that day.

I watched him grow closer to the ship as I once did
The wooden walls and and names inside are still there
I once wished that he knew me, but this is what's right
Today, his 18th birthday, I lay down, another year passed
Still nothing I know I can give him will make up for lost time.

Tried shooting a rocket in space
Thought it would hit something
Get something out of place
But it just kept going and going
On its journey to nowhere
I thought it would hit it. I swear
But that's what happens when you get dared
Make yourself believe that they actually care
The rocket, twice the speed light
Passing stars so fast, so bright
Black appears and swirly turns
This rocket will not return
It's fallen in a deep dark pit
I'm afraid it just might quit
Vision becomes blurry, all you see is blank
And because of you, my rocket sank.

I can't focus
I can't dream
unless it's you
what's this mean?

I can't focus
I can't sleep
unless I take a pill
or eat a treat

I can't focus
but I really need to
I need to study
But my head's a zoo

When will this stop
it's been months now
and I want to let go
or get lost in a crowd

Can you focus well?
Or do I seep into your thoughts?
Do you miss me too?
Your feelings, were they caught?

I can't focus
I can't even move
unless it's to you
oh tell me you'd approve

At least I can write, sing, and dance,
but it's the only thing I can do
when you've got me in this trance.

going home for the first time in a while
a lot has changed, even your smile
it's bigger than ever and it made me happy
your 21st birthday, oh so classy

and look at our little brother go,
he's got his **** more together than us, whoa
we smoke out on our dark, quiet street
memories come flooding back so we take a seat
on the grass of our yard and talk
about things we wouldn't have before.

I still call you by your childhood nickname
of course I would, and you do the same.
Sad I have to leave so soon though,
I guess next time I see you all there'll be snow.