Riddled with anxieties
I don't want to live
But I don't want to die
Please just let me lay in bed
I don't want to get out of the sheets
Can't I just lay there?
Can't I just be left alone?
What am I?

I feel like Cruella DeVille,
Smoking a capri
In brand new clothes
Because Christmas
Just happened
Why did, when I opened
All of the gifts from
Family & friends,
Did I long for a person
To step out of a box
And wrap their arms
Around me?
To take them back
To my apartment
So we could sit on
The mattress on the floor
Smoking my little
DeVille cigarettes
And drinking a,
Previously unopened,
Bottle of bourbon
In my now,
Newly gifted
Star Wars mugs

Cooped up in a mini van
Feeling the tips of your
Fingers
Drumming on the back
Of my neck

I compensate in child like wonder
It'll take me ages to cure this blunder

Are you like        And though
The last one?     Your lips were
I wonder & worry     Very clumsy
If you'll be right,      And fumbled like
Right for me,        I actually made you
At least.          Nervous. You! Nervous!
You were cute,     Ha! What a silly
When you asked     Thought, But, I could
If I needed a      Feel the heat, I didn't
Goodnight kiss.     Mind your fumble
Then I asked      I knew it was sincere, the
If you thought     Thought behind it,
I did.           I touch my lips now,
And you replied     Thinking of it.
I think you do.     And, boy, I haven't
Which was oh,   Touched my lips
So very clever, you       From a kiss
Clever boy.      In a very long time.

Baby lips
Baby lips
Baby lips
Frozen tips
Shoes with three holes
Right on the soles
Cardigan
Again and
Again and
Again

My lungs feel young
As I breathe in this
Lovely air
Even though I
Wish that it was
Candy coated with
Your cologne

Alone, I am restricted to silence,
In your presence, I worship your voice,
I close my eyes,
to feel,
to decipher,
Every sound you make.
My lips touch yours, and the meaning of life is clear,
In a life of turbulence, we as one become an oasis of serenity,
You define me,
Through this my soul flourishes.
Without you, tranquility shall be disturbed,
A burden from this world is lifted off from my shoulders,
Replaced with my lover’s arms.
This is love as we know it.
Alone, I am restricted to silence,
In your presence, I worship you.



The love between us;
palpable.
Only lovers could grasp the depth,
Only we can feel the warmth.

The love between us;
perceptible.
You can hear the love in my words,
I can taste the love upon your lips.

The love between us;
ignites when we become one.

Times been tough on you
Oooohhhh I know it
I can tell
The milky stains
In your eyes
They know too
They know more
Than I do
The air picks
Apart your skin
The spots on
Your bird bone
Hands tell more
Than a thousand
Words ever could
The color ******
Out of your hair,
Lost altogether
The pigments are forgotten.
Beauty.

No need to worry
I'm not here
To climb stairs

You do not go to a house
Where things are practiced
To not practice them
What would be the point
Of going to that house
To sit there and not do anything
So, when you say, we should go
As a family
Even though not all of us feel
That the house is the right place
To be
That is false,
Because family does things
Together
With LOVE.
Not force.

So many things have happened since I last spoke
I've been flickering in and out of vision
Like someone with a box of matches
On a windy day

Instead of attempting to let oxygen relieve me,
I'm suffocated by the incessant smoking
But burn as I may, I only can become
A pile of ashes

We ride down streets I don't know
With Spanish rock on the stereo

The street lamps are strange shades
I close my eyes as everything fades

I think of all the things I want to be
All the women I could see

You can call me before I go to sleep
And I'll listen to your voice through my dreams

I've lived through roughly six thousand five hundred and seventy sunsets,

Yet nothing compares to the light you have shined upon my face in only two very long days.

My anxiety sits next to me & it is not small & I am not capable of bottling it up & putting it on shelf, it would shatter the jar & collapse the shelf & I have to live with the fact that it’s not something you can just put away & that’s it always present & it’s always there & that I have to ignore it & contradict it & have to deal with it actively trying to ruin every shred of ******* happiness I have felt & I think I felt & should I have felt it? & my anxiety isn’t some entity I can kick out my house & block the number of & I can put in little ear plugs shaped like pills & those little ear plugs will just dull out that one specific droning some of the time & then I’ll notice that the other thing next to me is telling me to **** myself & the earplugs don’t work on that (they amplify it & that’s so weird) & it makes some pretty compelling arguments & that’s really scary & so I take out my ear buds out so I can drown that out with my anxiety counteracting those arguments & sometimes they synch up & that’s even better & I’m just letting them chip away at me & I’m chipping away at me until there’s nothing left & what isn’t left? & in addition & also & including &

&

&

&

Grant
I miss you
It's been years
Come back
Forget about the crack
Where did you go?

Speaking to another,
Leaves a feeling of absence.
Of things wanted to be said.

I got called gray today.
I realized how right he was.
If only someone would splash

*Some color onto me

Hey now..
           you weave your fingers...
in my heart strings..

Sitting in class, looking around,
I feel a little man climbing up my face by hair.
He has on tiny sharp shoes
And they dig into my skin
I wince as he clambers up my cheek
He rests only for a moment
Thinking.
He gets fistfuls of my eyelashes
Tugs & tugs & tugs
I feel the weight of him &
My eye closes gratefully
He moves to the other
Making a mirror action
And it's all gone from there
Now he dances in my dream
He might have climbed
Into my ear while I wasn’t looking

In so doing exposes ribs, vulnerable to fracture, leaky marrow drains, what remains?

*Not the flesh, no not the flesh, only the towering white towers that will eventually turn to dust and be cycled through a cylinder smooth unisex creature that changes everything into dirt. Later on providing the food for the hand which will eventually get bitten.

Are you merely entertaining me?
Are you only saying the things you say
Because you think I want to hear them?
If you are,
Then I suggest you stop
Because I don't want to hear lies
Pour out of your mouth
I don't want your stories
And your jokes
To pool around my shoes
And stain them muddy
I don't want you to think what you say
Can fill up my head
And cloud my eyes from the fact
That I'm still guarded
I've got this key locked inside of me
And if you think that you can speak
A door open that doesn't open
Then you are wrong
And you had better turn around and leave
Before I have to make you.

The bread crumbled in your fists
'But, I made that for you.'
Your grimace made me wince
You threw it on the ground
And you spit on it
You spit on the bread I had baked
For you
2 years ago
And you called me pathetic
Because I had baked you bread
And I cried, because,
You made me feel pathetic
Later that night,
You gave me a ring on the phone,
And you apologized
But what you didn't realize,
Was that I had already
Burned my hands
From placing them on the oven
In a sense
I couldn't feel my fingers,
I couldn't feel anything
All I knew was that I would not bake again

No longer feel the buzz.
But I loved you nonetheless.

You keep finding
Yourself
Fawning after her
With doe eyes

Waking up late
Is the only thing
I'm good at.

Pt. 1: Before
To the filter, the only thing of me you'll have.


                                 Pt. 2: Over
                                 Whisper softly, I won't be one of your bad habits.


Pt. 3: After
I'm smoke, catch me in your hands, if you can.

Pigments are filling your eyes
Painting a beautiful picture of your demise
Skin disappearing into thin air
Running non-existent fingers through your hair
Cannot forget the pitter patter of feet
Overwhelmed by the noise of an empty seat
Bones jutting out in a skeletal way
Nonexistent lovers never stay

I need some love tonight.
But the mason jar up on my shelf,
It's all emptied out.
Crystal clear,
Like my tears.
God, why are you so emo?
So I smashed it up against the wall,
In a fit of rage.
Ha ha ha.

A* chiffon floral blouse
Torn to pieces on the floor
Aside a girl as delicate as a flower
Curled around a pillow
Her petals ripped *away

I had a blow out tonight
A literal physical one
But a mental one
Followed soon after

Like water you fill my consciousness,
Flooding the entirety that is my thoughts.
And when it drains, it feels so dry.
Let it not drain. Let it rain & rain & rain.

I dream the dreams no one can see
Pressing my fingers against my wrist
To feel the spaces between my heart beats
Attempting to even out my breathing
I just feel so lost now and then
Can't really set my feet on the ground
Floating up towards the sky again
Rendered speechless by my own head

I'm in a closed box
With tape on the top
Don't have any scissors
Have to use my fingernails
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Doesn't work
****
Maybe I should shout?
Let me out?! Let me out!
No one is listening.
I look through the slit
Through the clear tape
I touch my hand to the top
Of my cardboard box
All I see is white outside
I go to curl up a bit
Moving my hand,
But I can't
It sticks
To the top of the box
And I tug & pull
But it doesn't come off
I let out a small sound
I prop my other hand
On the side
And then I realize
That it's now also attached
****
Panic creeps into
The back of my brain
I pull very hard
But to no avail
I start to scream and thrash
As my skin
Touches the box
It sticks
And now I'm still
Still as can be
The box is holding me
Prisoner
The more I tug
The more I feel
Myself getting tugged
Towards it's surface
What is it's purpose?
I put this box in
The back of my brain
Long ago
What was in it?
I really don't know
Or I just can't remember
I'm overly uncomfortable
Then I realize,
I'm in it
And it's trying to consume me
I shouldn't have done it
I put my, myself in this box
And I tossed it into
The back of my brain
I have to refrain
From screaming in pain
As the box let's go of
My skin
I hear the schick schick
Of the tape peeling off
The top of the box
Opens very quietly
I stand up and stretch
Afraid it'll happen
Again
And get out of the box
Before it changes it's mind
And I look around
It's all white
So, this is what the inside of
My head looks like
Boxes upon boxes
Are stacked up like skyscrapers
I see some scissors
Lying beside the now open
Box
I look around again
Then I grab the scissors &
A box,
Slash the tape
Hoping to find all of
Myself again

I'd focus if windows were always
                                                        open,
And doors didn't
                           *exist.

My hands smell of laundry soap
Because it's the only thing I've ever known
People stare at my cuticles
I don't look like a juvenile
But I sure feel like I am inside here
Opening my biconvex shapes to peer
At you from where I'm sitting
Wow, your jaw line is so defined
I'm sort of *******.
Because you shouldn't exist.
At least not in my orbit

My social skills are strong enough
I can live with parties & get togethers
But home is most comfortable
Even though my definition of home is weak
Home is where I can be alone
Certainly preferable
To small talk, oh how I hate small talk!
It's just a long road not worth the walk
Words are me when they are written, not spoken
And I'm the one who prefers to listen
Sit back and watch everyone else go
And I never liked putting labels on things
Too organized, not enough chaos
But as much as I try
My insecure human nature
It loves to name
And it names me an introvert
By the loosest definition
I don't want to name myself anything
I just want to be me
But even 'me' has been dibbed by labels
Not even 'I' is really mine
Because it is shared with everyone else
And the only way I feel better is
Is when I'm alone at 3: 26 a.m.
Where 'I' and 'me' feel like my own

I'm so angry at you
For what you do to me

As if you could ever see
How I've become so blurry

Trying & failing to meet
You're watery priorities

I'm black & white baby
And you're making my ink bleed

Bittersweet is the moon that dips below it's fate
Sinking into itself behind the horizon of the lake
Radiance of the sun shines momentarily on it's face
To light up the dark of it's visage, then it falls away

My eyes are burning.
Everything is too bright to see.
There’s a clenching in my stomach.
No one feels it but me.

Blindness is creeping up.
Yes somehow everything is so clear.
Nothing is quiet in this head of mine.
I need you now more than ever my dear.

My hands are shaking.
I cannot keep this fear still.
My heart is ******* in knots.
I’m moved but I cannot feel (it).

I used to wear my heart upon my sleeve
But then it frayed,
And now I'm left with a pile of string

Finding myself
Imagining you
Doing things
You say your
Doing