orbitalmucusWhisper

27 / Trans Male / American

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And what?My anxiety sits next to me & it is not small & I am not capable of bottling it up & putting it on shelf, it would shatter the jar & collapse the shelf & I have to live with the fact that it’s not something you can just put away & that’s it always present & it’s always there & that I have to ignore it & contradict it & have to deal with it actively trying to ruin every shred of fucking happiness I have felt & I think I felt & should I have felt it? & my anxiety isn’t some entity I can kick out my house & block the number of & I can put in little ear plugs shaped like pills & those little ear plugs will just dull out that one specific droning some of the time & then I’ll notice that the other thing next to me is telling me to kill myself & the earplugs don’t work on that (they amplify it & that’s so weird) & it makes some pretty compelling arguments & that’s really scary & so I take out my ear buds out so I can drown that out with my anxiety counteracting those arguments & sometimes they synch up & that’s even better & I’m just *letting* them chip away at me & I’m chipping away at me until there’s nothing left & what isn’t left? & in addition & also & including & / & / &

22

Nov 23, 2022

Like a Broken RecordContinue, maintain, attempt to preserve something that cannot be kept while lamenting the fact it isn’t possible. / Spend your whole life obsessed with the mystery of death & have it be the final answer to your fruitless questions. / We’re all in this fever dream together, but everyone is in their individual beds asleep & that’s where they will always be.

11

Nov 11, 2022

GrowingI am not an empty vase for you to collect your dead flowers in.

1

May 13, 2017

Star GazingYou are your whole universe / Infinite & complex / With vast space for

12

Mar 10, 2016

WhirringTime creeps by here / Lazily waving goodbye, dear / And it slides agonizingly near

4

Jan 26, 2016

AmbientWe ride down streets I don't know / With Spanish rock on the stereo / The street lamps are strange shades

11

Aug 2, 2015

CalligraphyI'm so angry at you / For what you do to me / As if you could ever see

11

Jul 25, 2015

EosYou were shining in the shade / As the dusk began to fade / I had to turn to you and say,

11

Jul 14, 2015

uninhabitableI am not built for love / I can't keep you warm / The fireplace in my chest

22

Jul 10, 2015

Almost a YearSo many things have happened since I last spoke / I've been flickering in and out of vision / Like someone with a box of matches

9

Jun 13, 2015

Hello PoetryVoting