i ring the door bell twice
the door opens
there is a boy maybe 4 5
he smiles at me
rustled ***** blonde hair
blue eyes shining seeing into me
knowing me in the basest truth
as only children can know
"Hi. Welcome. Hello."
all rapidly said so politely
i step inside
the house is not too large
not small by any means
this porridge is just right
he leads me in as one who
leads a child to
the den well furnished
the father sits in his chair
watching the boy gratefully
the boy buzzing with
the energy of new company
leaps onto the couch and
announces himself
"My name is Demetri. Nice to meet you.
Welcome to my home. What is your name?"
"Sam"
"Hey, Sam, nice to meet you, Sam."
he flips off the couch grandly
grabs my hand and shakes violently
"Nice to meet you, Sam. Im Demetri.
Welcome to my home. Please, please.
Sit, sit."
He pulls me to the couch
I sit so my arm is not dislocated
he lets go wrist hurting
not the strength of a
4 5 year old boy
a well developed boy well spoken
i look to his father who
watches son lost in amazement
proud as can be as should be
the boy is again in my ear
"What brought you here, Sam? Did you
want to see my house? Did you wanna
see my legos? I got a lot of them. I like
building spaceships. I wanna build a real one.
Hey Sam, you wanna build a spaceship."
no idea how to build a spaceship
"Im here to speak with your father, little guy."
"Really? About what? Huh? About what?
Do you bring things to people? Like presents?
Do you have a present? I think I know
what about. You have a present for my dad.
Is that it, Sam, do you have a present?"
im both annoyed and fascinated
simultaneously by the boy
annoyance why father
has not said something
leash this dog muzzle
however
fascination buzzing by simple fact
i did have something for his father
a present
for the father to keep forever
for the boy to find later

In the faded light
I hear the wands light wrap:
Tap Tap Tap
to the far left,
and to the right,
the orchestra to surround.
Strings tight, tuned just right
poised to recite
with all their might
some mad composer's plight.
But, frozen in this moment of incite,
three clowns among the crowd
colorfully crowd my sight.
One looks on, one looks down,
one seems enticed by the sound.
Why? Whether a part of the night
or just happened to be around.
Then, as the music takes flight,
there is a fierce feeling I cannot fight
that, despite
my buffoonish frown,
these fools, these clowns,
and I
are most alike.

there are hundreds of people
in my house
i only know one of them
leave it to one to invite ninety nine
friends of his
now invading my space my shell
i want them out
but
i have no means to be
rid of them
drinking my beer
eating my food
taking up my space
i believe
this situation vividly defines
invasion
awkwardness
all talking squawking at once
it is the sound of burning
sporadic popping crackling
amplified until a single person
me
is unable to think function
i can only feel  
i feel helpless
i feel loathing
i feel confusion
i feel disoriented i feel lost
in my own ******* space
i feel lost
they must go all of them
they all must go
i hide outside
smoke a cigarette
yet cannot hide forever
i can only smoke
for so long
i will wait
and cough blood
through my teeth
smiling wide
red white
as they leave

they who are important
say write every day
so they say
i did not write yesterday
earth below did not
split open and swallow me
sky did not
rain black acid
i just feel terrible
tired
nothing done out of ordinary
only
nothing written
this will not be the end
keep common cursed words
flowing pouring
cease not a source of joy
pen massaging paper
messages from mind
were words to rest
rust
so they say
write every day
they who are important

this heat
will beset you from behind
with a bear hug and a kiss
on the back of the neck.
the only solace: a simple osculating fan
that blows warm air
for the very blades are hot to the touch.
this heat
this shimmering sweltering ray of fire
will find you
hide inside inshade
as the endless dust of the desert
leaves no place unsettled
this heat
finds its way to you
prayers of darkness: feckless
as any terrible thing
this heat
will linger long into the night

or … just hop. skip. jump.
hit walls. go thump.
fight those frightening things at night.
go bump.
plant seeds. turn leaf.
get cut down.
go stump.

it is through this violence
we collapse we relapse
we repair
she hates the way
i care for her
i hate that stare
nothing between us but bare hands
i grasp her she gasps
we move we dance
we struggle we crash
she is unyielding of the lead
her denials have only come
to make me bleed
from the floor to the back of the couch
she does not open her mouth
she is mine
there is a rip and a tear
to leave her bare
in her in her again
and again
then
i cant
not like this
thought never like this
i fold withdraw and fall to the floor
back against the broken backdrop
she turns slowly
salaciously savagely
she says to me
why did you stop

it was a finer day in hell
not my fault this
is where i fell
probably the smell
they sure do gossip well
which is my cue to split
to post bail
to jump fence of this judgment jail
to set sail upon the high seas
of alcoholism
so the morning after
my head rings like a bell
with stories and stories
to tell
to swell with exaggeration
might add some lies as well
just to have the stories
and stories sell

this mother ******* feeling
has to be called something
that feeling a sudden rapid rush of heat
surging
through your arms
your legs
the back of your head
you feel completely off balance and absolutely centered
your fingers tense up and your palms begin to sweat
but only a little
this is not fear. nor anger
this is something else
something that makes your heart beat
briskly
you can feel the rhythmic pulsing
pulsing
through your throat
your temples
its the feeling of being poisoned, or shot up
the feeling comes and goes
one as quick as the other
it is a fleeting fascinating feeling.

i have a problem
i fall for females then rob them
not of material things
but of surreal feelings
they love me
i leave it be
they cannot believe the thief in me
the griefs briefness my only weakness
the bleakness
sees me sleepless
i do not want to leave
the next tree leafless
i want to wear my heart
on my sleeve
and never go sleeveless
im asking forgiveness
for my greediness
you are free to believe
these words mean less
then meaningless
which would be
my guess