The days when you're all alone
And your friends turn out to be your enemy
And you have this storm inside
That doesn't know weather to cry or get angry
You want to cry
But you fear someone might see
Until you remember you're all alone
In the dark
Then your phone lights up
And you think you might be ok
Until you realize its you ex texting you
For tips on how to get a girl into bed
And now you really want to cry
But just text back instead
You go on the internet to clear your head
And see post of R.I.P because another friend is dead
And inside you bend so far you break
Lay in your bed wear you shake
And you pray when you fall asleep you never come awake
Maybe then your heart won't burst
As the seams tear out
And you drowned in this ocean
Of pain so thick and cruel
But you can't help to fall deeper within

When I told you I was better
When I said I never relapsed
When I said the scars were healing
When I said the food stayed down
When I said you could do the same
When I said it gets easier

I lied.

I still cut and avoid food
Like the plague
I still cry at night
And there's nothing in the mirror
I don't hate

I still feel ugly
And hate the colour
Of my skin
I still pinch at my stomach
And feel so obese

I still say I'm 'erotophobic'
As though people want me
I still tell people I'm straight
And that 'I love God'

I'm still ashamed
I still blame myself
I still deny anything happened
I still believe I'm telling the truth

I'm still paranoid
I'm still afraid of everything
I still feel weak
I still have panic attacks

I still want to be held
I still pretend I like to comfort
I still pretend I'm strong
I still pretend I care

I still throw up
And my throat still hurts
I still smoke
And it still doesn't help

I still have rampant thoughts
I still hate conversation
I still feel inadequate
I still pretend I like my poetry

I still try to write my stories
The words no longer come to me
I still try to create a family of friends
I still can't abide the noise enough
To make it work

I'm still bitter
I'm still violent
I'm still unhappy
I still fake everything I do

I'm not really okay.
Not really.
And I wanted to say 'I'm sorry,'
I lied.