as incredible as you are

i am mine

i have come across many who oppose the idea
of feelings

people who oppose the idea that feelings are to be felt
or that our behaviour and reactions are not a result of a feeling

they argue people have a choice
they can be felt
they can be ignored
or they can simply not exist

i hesitate to judge those who do
as it takes immense mental and moral strength or power to refuse something so bound to who we are

as a body
a spirit
a mind
and a soul

and yet still able
to fight the robust force of feelings
deemed at the great apprehension of fear itself

i feel
and i have learnt to feel
through the pain i have borne

i wanted a rock to replace my soul
and so it had

i have been broken
i have been defeated
i have fallen victim to weakness
paralysis
fear

but hear i stand
proud

i learnt to feel
to properly feel
i thank my pain for that

i still break
i still fall
and there are some days whelmed with a battle to survive

but i am not weak
i am not defeated
i am no longer a slave to my pain

to feel is to fight
to feel is what makes you a warrior
it is what makes you human
it is what connects you to your inner self
your soul
your within

it is how you learn to love yourself
it is how you learn to believe in yourself
it is how you learn to conquer

my dear

please do not be afraid

there are some things in life that break you

they may break your heart, your mind or your body

but they can never break your soul

if you choose me you choose the whole me
i will not give you my pieces.
i come as one.

i will not put those pieces back together again.

we keep letting love break us because we dissemble ourselves by picking apart the pieces in which we define to be unlovable.

not only are you hiding
behind the fear of your flaws,
but when you only give the pieces,
when the mind you give is not your whole,
or you offer only part of your soul,
that is love breaking you before it has even begun.

and that is why we end up in pieces
because
when we become conscious of the pain
of having to glue yourself together again,
it is hard to welcome the good pieces back
because you have gotten used to being made up of the bad.

so when those dark pieces were the good pieces you gave away
no wonder it is so hard to get back up.

you come as a whole
you are not a piece.

do not be broken
before you are loved.

to you,

i know you are sick and i know you are dying.

i know it is scary but i do not want you to be scared.

i know this through my psychiatrist, who told me a couple of weeks ago, i do not know the date but i know it was a tuesday.

in telling me, the words felt like splinters, slowly piercing their way into the walls of my heart.

that tuesday was not just a day of the week. it felt like no one is living it but me, and, that somehow the day was mine and no longer belonged to anyone else. it wasn't a day of the week. it was a day that belonged to me.

my heart was throbbing as the splinters sank deeper, some more painful than others. i allowed myself to feel like that. i let myself hurt and be sad and feel, because you taught me that feelings are a beautiful thing and must be felt and must be acknowledged.

you helped me to learn their importance. you showed me how to take my anxiety and panic and turn it into an emotion that just needed to be noticed and felt, and to acknowledge its presence, and to treat that presence calmly and peacefully. to tell the panic and anxiety it was okay.

when they were okay, i was okay.

that tuesday i did the same thing to my pain. but i realised this was not the way i wanted to grieve you.

you are not my anxiety nor my panic. i could not tend toward the habit i have for processing negativity. i could not affiliate your positivity and wonderfulness with all the negative ******* that goes on inside my head, because you are love and solace. you are support and comfort.

i have since turned the splinters into seeds that will forever grow within and around my heart, with the piercings in its wall giving them the space to do so.

i did not know i could turn such pain into such beauty, but it seems as though i can. thank you for helping me to get here.

i know a considerable length of time has passed since i last saw and spoke to you, but i think you proud of me.

i want you to know that i am strong and i am proud of the person i am today. you have been a ray of hope in the sunlight that has allowed my garden to grow, much like the many lives of others you have touched.

i know that the purpose of therapy is not to find a solution or an answer to the problems we encounter, but to give the space in which we can learn and help come to the realisation that we, ourselves, want to find these solutions. it is where we learn to know we are enough. and not through others telling us we are, but us. we learn to know that.

it is not the therapists that make us better. they are more important than that because they help make us want to be better.

and that is what you give, and it is beautiful.

the seeds are planted in my heart, where you will bloom and blossom in the garden of my soul.

from the very depths of my heart,
i wish you all the strength and love you have given me.

from, me

my dearest lily,
you will forever be beside me,
and i will forever be beside you
i can feel you when i need you
as your love continues to guide me away from the dark
when i am lost.
you have found peace in the clouds,
and perhaps one day
you will introduce me
to our new home.
and within the realm of possibility,
i can help you guide others
so they too can escape the dark,
and find their peace in the clouds.
my dearest lily,
don't stop dreaming sweet,
and don't stop sleeping tight
for i will always love you

i wake up
and feel the noble touch
of the morning
and the innocence
in her breath

she tells me that an unborn day of magic awaits

and so i lie with her, listening

yesterday is lost
and i am yet to come

let
softness
be
your
lover

lying beside
your
favourite feeling
is you

hold it still

we are each a tiny planet
floating tirelessly
in an infinite galaxy
we call earth

the stars
are a way
the universe
is telling us
that beauty
can be found
in dark places
too

take care of yourself
it's hard, yes
but it is the only way
to live,
knowing
what it's
like to breathe,
to properly
breathe

it is okay
but i am not

when the shadows begin to whisper
your mind starts to hurt
for you tell it it is weak
and can no longer protect you
so it hides
but your beloved mind is not weak
the weakness lies
in pretending
it is
learn to start holding your own hand
protect your own self
you are not lost
you are just exploring
do not wait for the shadow to disappear back into the dark
make it
force it
rely on your intuition
trust your enchanting self
show your mind
it needn't hurt and hide
for you can and will protect it
and if you ever get scared
look up to the sky
and
simply linger with the moon

I have been afraid
to strip my mind
and bare my thoughts
because people don't understand
so I want to thank you
for reading me
because
here I sit
my naked soul
exposed
and I am no longer afraid

give up trying to define yourself.
give up trying to define others. if you know your future, then unknow it.
stop trying to define it. you just are and it just is.
stop searching for purpose, because the purpose is you.
life is self discovery.
it is why the concept of time even exists.
it's a division of and why each second is made up from other little seconds. it is about moments.
if you think that you are what you were yesterday, move on
if you think that you know what you will be tomorrow, slow down
realise that life is right now. you take it as it comes. you give it no label, no category, it is free.
you don't have anything to benchmark your successes or losses against,
no routine to fall into,
because in the now you cannot be disappointed
I am not here to define freedom or tell you what is free and what isn't.
but you can
you are the only answer to that question
whatever you do from now is a step into what you become
you are becoming and always will be
here in the now,
each word you read is your first and your last,
an ongoing adventure of
learning, evolving, growing and becoming
life is self discovery
remain true to what you find,
nurture it and help it grow.
the now changes
it will not wait for you. keep to its pace but go gently. life is a process of different nows.
and perhaps we die when
we self discover,
and we die when we realise that life isn't so bad,
and we want nothing more than to do it all over again
and so we start over
reborn
into a new adventure
of self discovery

trust it will heal
be patient in letting it

go and get lost in your art
unearth your deepest desires
show the world your pain
and unleash your fire.
find peace
learn the language of harmony
and let the balance be your natural state
and the heart of your adventure
because the root of your core
is an infinite creation
and you
are an artist
of your very own masterpiece

wander
about the clouds
the sun
the moon
and the stars
because they will
prove to you
the greatness of your being
they will persuade you
to accept and pledge
that you really are magnificent.
trust what they show you
for
the clouds
the sun
the moon
and the stars
see everything
and tell us nothing
but the truth

here they love you
and here you are safe

I see people giving in
to the bitterness of society
because they do not want to be like us
they do not want to feel.
they strip themselves from full emotion
and any abnormality
making them all the same.
when I see these people
I finally see
my value
my purpose
my worth,
my importance.
and how silly I have been
in denying their existence
when all this time
they have been standing right in front of me
waiting to be seen.

this is when my soul smiles

when I wonder towards a life that does not threaten me,
when I promise freedom and hope that I will give them a home next to my heart,
when I surrender to peace ,
when I rid the nightmares that taunt my sleep,
when I break through the lock that has chained my being,

somebody dark and empty
stops following me

human beings are
fragile creatures
with needy desires
and foolish emotions
like love

oh how the flowers planted
within her heart
will be transformed into
gardens
and gardens
of beauty
to be
embedded
in her
soul
forever

this is not a love poem
this is a poem about you
you and only you
your reflection creates
a portrait of beauty

this is not a love poem
this is a poem about the self
do not ever neglect it
you will need it back one day

this is not a love poem
this is a poem about me
loving you

all of you

do not let the
world make you
bitter

and do not be
bitter towards
the world

for you are a
fragment of its
home

[and your existence is magic]

you forget you
are important
when you lose
your grip
on what you
have

because what you have
is enough
you are important
and whatever suggests otherwise,
- get rid of it.

it
is
time
for
you
to
come
back home,
back to yourself

from the beginning of now,
new and beautiful
fields of
time
are growing
but do not rush -
the grass isn’t yet ready
for the weight of your past
and that must not be rushed either
for everything needs time
to get a little bit stronger
you are a process
too wonderful
to be rushed.
you may dream and go gently
and take as long as you need
for those fields
will never
stop waiting
for you

just open your mouth and start screaming
and don't stop screaming when someone tells you to stop screaming just scream at them more.
scream away your passion your anger your love your anything

just don't let it be a scream of weakness because if you are able to scream
you are not weak

sometimes I wish
we could just close our eyes
without waiting for sleep
but, some ask,
where would we find the magic
of that moment
when falling asleep in
someone's arms?

dear, we are the magic.