Happiness is not something that one should have to strive for.
Happiness is not something you can give in pill form
This "happiness" you feed me,
Is not happiness at all
It's a way for my family to shut me up
and a doctor to make a couple bucks
So I swallow the pill
everyday
It doesn't make me happy
Just takes all feeling away
Take your stupid blue capsules
I no longer want them
I'd rather feel sadness
Then your ****** up version of happiness

Panic sets it
I've eaten today.
Numbers begin adding
Calories, bites, servings
I've eaten today.
My mind begins spinning
Disappointment in myself
A harsh mirror,
and a loving toilet
welcoming me,
telling me it will wash away all the panic
all I have to do
is
purge
so I do.

Deep brown eyes
and dark shades of blue underneath
What's on your mind, my love?
What's keeping you from sleep?
I wish I could hold you all night
And save you from the wars
inside your crowded tortured mind
I wish I could hurt all the ones who have wronged you
And kiss all your wounds
To take all of the pain
and push it aside
leaving you with nothing but happiness,
the loveliest thoughts
and well rested eyes

A bottle of *****
split between two
two aching souls
looking for an escape
The room is spinning
This is where I need to be
No worries
No nothing
Absolute numbness

I constantly have to catch my breath around you.
Weird isn't it?
After all this time,
your beauty is still too much for me
5 years of soaking you in
slowly discovering little corner of your mind
taking in your features
memorizing you.
5 years
and you still put butterflies in my tummy
and stars in my eyes
5 years
and I still have to remind myself to breathe

You are sugar
Sweet and pure
You are the first snowfall of winter in the dead of night
Alluring and exciting
You are a gust of wind on a hot summer day
Refreshing and relieving
You are every wonderful, and pure thing on this planet
And I,
I am not
I am angry and sinister
I am the wildfire that destroys the forests
I am a tornado leaving cities devastated
Someone like me
Does not deserve the beauty and light you bring.

How many times will I say I'm sorry
Before I change my ways?
I know I am wrong
But I am so quick tempered
So easily pushed
That I snap too quickly
And far too fiercely
You are so gentle
And only mean well
I am so sorry for the pain I cause you.

You and I,
We seem to gravitate
But maybe it's not because we're meant to be
Maybe it's because we're both so angry
Angry at each other
Angry at our families
Angry at our failures
Angry at the world
Both of us, so full of pain.
And maybe that's why we find ourselves together

In a world full of darkness and hate
A mind full of suicide and starvation
A school full of ignorance and stereotypes
A house full of people who people who don't understand
A doctors office full of prescriptions for little blue pills
A world that was all dark for me
Until you came along
You are my ray of light.
*It is still dark, but you make it lighter.

There is nothing as free and passionate as your first time
Nothing as innocent
The nervous giggles
The panicked breathing
Touching someone's body
Just to learn every bump and crater
on the surface of their warm skin
The rush of pain
The desperate moans
Nothing as intimate as your first time.