Hey, here's a crazy idea
You know that thing
That happens when we're together
Where the air gets thick
And the tension is actually tangible?
What do you say we do something
                                                      a­bout
                                                           that?

I have a few ideas…

I guess maybe
Our friendship
Meant more to me
Than it did to you

I guess maybe
I should be used to that

When I was little
I knew exactly how to answer
When adults asked me,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Why is it that now
When I'm right on the cusp of adulthood
That suddenly I can't remember my lines?

Sometimes I feel like maybe
Somewhere along the way
Something went wrong

Like maybe I got damaged
In a way that
If I were a commodity
Sold at a department store
They would be compelled
To lower my price
Because I am no longer
In good condition

Most days this causes apprehension
But sometimes I remember
That there are people out there
Who would be happy to find
That blender they always wanted
Or a sweater in their favorite color
At a good discount
Even if the plastic was slightly chipped
Or the sleeve had a loose thread
Maybe this is the wrong way
To think about things
But for now it's all I've got

I have a tendency to spend
50% of my day
Hiding under a blanket
Eyes shut tight
Breathing steady
Mind wandering

They say sleep is for the weak
And I'm not about to dispute them

I've never been religious
But every so often
A song will come on
And it will make me believe
If only for a few minutes
That there's something worth
Believing in
As adamantly as any deity

I'm not the daughter that I should be
But maybe that's okay
You're the strongest person I know
So much stronger than me
I think maybe you can handle a little more
Disappointment

You deserve so much better
Than you received
I wish I could give you the moon
But if I tried
I'd probably get lost among the stars
I'm sorry

i am not the girl you will fall in love with upon first sight
i am made of late nights, busy days, and a long hard past
i am not a pair of legs
i am the sum of all my thoughts
and everything i aspired to be when i was little
i am not a pair of almond-shaped eyes
i am a soft kiss on your cheek and your face nuzzled into my neck when it's 2 am and you can't handle everything
you will not fall for me upon first sight
but you will fall for me
slowly
as you get to know me
and i wouldn't have it any other way

You told me to write into the dark spaces
Because that's where the good stuff is at
But how can I when I am terrified of the darkness
How can I when I sleep with the light on

I think the reason that life is so disorienting
Is because it's a little like
Driving down a road in the middle of the night
Doing 80
But the road has no streetlights
So all you can see is what's immediately ahead of you
And even then
You're moving so fast  
That sometimes landmarks don't register as important
Until they're already long gone
You just need to have some faith that if you keep going
You're not going to crash.