I cried
Because I missed you
I cried because
My heart knew
Without even thinking
I cried because
Once analyzed
I remembered
Every part of you
That I've seen
And inspected
That I touched
I remembered
You and me
I remembered
Being in those arms
And I remembered
That this love
Will never fade
Because you will always
Set fireworks off inside of me.

You used to laugh
Oh what a glorious laugh it was
You laughed as you told me
What if this, what if I'm just a dream
And somehow I just knew it couldn't be
Because your touch was to real
Your love couldn't be
Created within my subconscious
Because those eyes
And that scar
Were the most vivid things
I know
And I know it wasnt a dream
Because this love
Explodes
From within me
Every moment
And has yet to dim
So sweetie I know your real
I know your heart
It matches mine
Because there are too many
Memories to wipe away
There is too much history
To give up on
So baby I fight for you
I fight for reality
Because if I were dreaming
Things would never get hard
I love you
And I believe you love me
So that is how I know
That us, we are not
And never have been
Just a dream.

I miss
The way we
Matched
The way
We were
The same
Height
With the same
Size hands
And lips
That mashed
Perfectly together
I miss
How I climbed on
Top of you
In bed
And my legs
Perfectly
Wrapped around
Your body
I miss you
And how
Well we
Fit together.

They're telling me
I still care
About him
But what do they know
Nothing
For my heart
Already belongs
To someone
And it sure as hell
Isn't him.

I awaken
Somehow already
my thoughts drift to you
and I'm thinking
Of our kisses and our bodies close
My mind
Is erupting with thoughts
I toss and turn
Moaning
Whispering your sweet name
Because all I can think
Is how much I love your touch
and how badly I need it
Everywhere
oh how much I wish our bodies
Could collide.

Today
After all
Was done
I wanted
Desperately
To lay with you
Just as we were.

*If only we had time

There will always be hardships in life. I decided to let you in that day. I saw something amazing in your eyes and I knew no matter what came you'd be worth it and I was right because despite everything my love came through and that's special. God doesn't always bless people with love and definitely not a love like ours and I'm thankful for all the moments we've had because God was blessing us in each moment.

She put me down again
And I guess
That's where the
Insecurity began
Her and then the doctors
I think she started at 10
Or maybe 13
I can't tell anymore
She made me shed a few tears
And I fought the urge to do more
I fought off my desires to scream
And to swear
But it's like the *** calling the kettle black
Or whatever the quote is
And I hate it
I hate judgment
But most of all
I hate it from her
I hate when she tells me
How I never do anything
And acts as though I don't try
I hate how she doesn't understand
How she never has
I'm big
I can deal with it
Why can't she?
Why can't society?

Its a reflex now,
When my shirt twists in
My bed and exposes my stomach,
That i rub my hands over it
And think of them
Our old dreams
Of innocent children
In which we love
Its a bad habit
To imagine holding them
In my arms
And when reality comes back
I hold in tears
For though they were never real
They once were to me
And now they're dead
Along with all my dreams.

I watched as you strode up my street
The sun rising with you
The sun always rising and falling
With you
And I smiled
And I ran down stairs
To once again be in your arms.

The infinite problem with moving on
Is that you were my first love

The problem is I can be dangling
In a smile and the thought of you
It creeps in and it hits me

I miss you and every moment
I mess up way too much
And you and I will never be again
But I miss your kisses
I miss your smile
Your love making
Your laughter
The way you could annoy me
And make me love you more
All at once
I miss the feeling of leaning into you
Grabbing onto your shirt
Even though you didn't like it
I miss the way you looked at me
Like I was your world
I miss looking back
Knowing I loved you too
I miss the comfort
Of being able to eat in front of you
I miss the being able to hold my head
So high when I was naked with you
Because regardless of every mark
You loved every bit of me
I miss the simplicity
I miss the complexity
I miss everything
But I have to wave goodbye
Wave goodbye to every dream
That I had for us.

I covered my brokenness
In some mud
Because they say it helps heal

I am *****
And I am gritty

But no
I am not broken

I have buried the pieces
In the mud

I have yelled for them to heal

And they did not listen

Until a gentle stranger came along

And whispered to them

Heal because you are beautiful

And I was whole again

I was me

And I thanked the stranger

For he saved me.

You gave me this infection,this heart breaking recollection,you were my only selection...

Just hold me tight and pretend everything will be alright...


Tell me your sweet lies just promise me no more good-byes...

I tried but I just cried and it felt as if my heart died...

My heart once felt like gold now it's cold...

I cried when my heart died and I no longer tried...

I scream and shout and you continue to doubt....

I want to cry,I can't try so I think I'll die...

I love those
Incapable of loving me back

I love them enough
For the both of us

I love in a way
They too
Believe they love me

But time passes
And things grow weary
And one day we both wake up

Hearts ripped out
And tears streaming down our faces

And we say goodbye
Because we were never meant
To say hello

But the world thought
We both deserved
To feel happy

Even if it ends
Even if the pain never fades

You remember the love
As real or imaginary as it was

And you're happy
For the time you got

And though you miss them

All you can do
Is hope they find real love
And that you do too.

The music
It swelled all
The pain I buried
In my heart
And it rose
And spilled over
With the rawness
Of my love
And the foam
Of agony
Began to help me
Feel more determined
As this emotion
Of pain spilled out
I was never more sure

That your worth
All the battles that
Are yet to come
And so many more.

I'll be sent
Straight to hell
Riding the red wagon
Of death
The devil will come for me
Torment me personally
Just as he's done in life
But that's the price you pay for sin
That's the debt you owe
When your someone like me.

My apologies my dearest love,
I know I am not the prettiest,
I know I am not the smartest,
I know I am not athletic,
Nor am I comical,
But my darling love,
You have to see,
I will give you love even if you give hate,
I will kiss you on demand,
I will hug you even as you turn away,
I will hold your hand when you are afraid,
But my apologies my darling heart breaker,
I am sorry that I have love to give that you do not want,
I am sorry things have changed and your feelings are not the same,
My dearest love,
My darling hearty breaker,
My apologies.


(For all that I feel and all that I give.)

Our eyes meet
And yours
Pierce my heart
And for one moment
I lack air
My heart stops
And I'm lost
Somewhere
Deep in those brown eyes
I need your help
To find a way out
And then
When before I ask
For the escape route
You break the look
And leave me
Both breathless
And with
An increase heart rate
This heart
Also knows now
That I love you
Brown eyed boy
I can sleep now
Knowing you
And your
Sparkling eyes
Exist.

I was three
When I first felt the pull
And I know it seems impossible
But I know my heart
And it gave this tug
Telling me this was the beginning
Of my search

I was seven
When it pulled again
Telling me I hadn't
Looked long enough

I was nine
When I figured out
That friendship
Led to crushes and the tug
Told me it could lead
To more
So I couldn't give up
Not yet
I continued my search

At ten
The tug snapped
My mind out of a crush
And back into reality

Then at 11
The feeling that tug
In my chest
Faded and instead
I felt flipping there
Brown eyes pierced my soul
And my chest flipped wildly

At 12
My brown eyed boy left
And the tugging started again
Reminding me of him
Everyday
And how his eyes
Made my heart flip

At 15
I was reunited
With my brown eyed boy

Finally at 16
We've settled
And every time
I look at that boy
Who is now a man
His eyes still seeing
Every bit of the real me
I smile
Knowing my search is finally
Over.

His lips were on mine
And my body wanted to fold
Wanted to give in
To everything

I wanted to hate it
But instantly
I found myself loving it

I hardly noticed the way
His beard brushed against my skin

I was so lost in the want

I almost forgot to be scared
Of something so wonderful.

I'll walk into the dark abyss,
Truly there is nothing I'll miss,
Expect maybe your kiss,
The one I never had,
That thought makes me kinda sad,
Your everything I want,
But all you do is taunt me,
Your name,it haunts me,
But as I walk into the darkness with you on my mind,
I'll know there is no better adventure to find,
Because the greatest adventure I'll ever know is being with your kind heart,
The one I liked from the start...

Oh my dearest love
You rip my heart apart
And staple it back together
Your sweet words
They make me want to frollick
I'm a lioness
So overjoyed
So hungry
I devour it all
The words
The feeling of your hands entwined in mine
How you say things like
"I love you"
And whisper
So much
Or "Why do you think you aren't perfect?"
You are to me
Oh dearest love
I hope this isn't just a dream
I hope your truly here
That you truly love me
I can dream of us
Together forever
Just like we talked about.

Just like we dreamed.

You


Marrying *you



Being with you forever


Baring a child with you


Falling asleep wrapped close to you


Waking up beside you


Living life fighting happily for *you

I love how you never loved me
I love how you pretended to

I hate how my heart broke
When I saw shirts that said Daddy's little girl
Because I knew I never would be

I get confused when I think about
How you acted like you cared
How I cried and you hugged me
A real fatherly hug for the first time
And how weeks later when I left
You didn't even say a word
Didn't fight to keep me
Because you didn't want me

I guess I can say
I lived just fine without you
But everyone wants two parents
I was left with one
And she did amazing
But whenever I go and visit my brothers
I envy them
I want to scream
Because they have their mom
And the person who was suppose to my dad

I call you Carlos because that's who you are
Not dad or daddy
And when I refer to you I say my father Carlos
And try not to sound emotionally involved
You and I have never been close
But I still have made similar mistakes
And look undeniably like yours
And each day I curse my genes

I wish I could say I love you
But I know so little
And you've made life harder on me
So all I can say is
Your chromosomes make up half of me
And I think you gave me all the crazy genes
And I cant hate you for that
But certainly can't love you for that either.

Joshua
This is my final tribute to you
You left me in a bright place
But the moment you left
Light became dark
And these days my love is a hate
Betrayal is in your heart
Guilt for the lies you told
I hope pain for the agony you've caused
Your love was never real
We were adolescents playing a game
But my love was real
My pain was too
I was sent into the darkness
You left me with nothing
You were the light to my day
The smile to my laughter
I needed you
And because you broke me
I will never be whole
I will never love myself
And I can't stand to kiss in the rain without thinking of you.

Your Kiss
Always Breathless
Even From That First Day
When You Kissed Me
And It Was Raining
And We Were So Nervous
I Loved It
Loved How You
Made Me Feel Like Yours
Now I Await
For The Next
Rainfall
So Maybe
You'll Kiss Me Again
And I Can Pretend
I Didn't Have To Wait
Three Years To Feel It Again.

Maybe I should
Run from
His friendship
But he's a great
Friend
And so
Gentle
And frail
Younger
And so
Innocent
I'm afraid to
Hurt my friend
But I need him to know
It's not going to happen
He knows it's not
Yet his words still
Linger in the air.

My mom told me
That God promotes love
And I rather believe her
Than you
Because the God I know
Wouldn't abandon
Wouldn't give up
Not on any of his children
So I believe in God
But I believe
He wanted us
To be together
Not torn apart
And utterly
Destroyed.

Locked away,
Trapped,
Silently Hurting,
No Longer Dreaming,
Only Wanting,
But Never Receiving,
My Heart,
Empty And Hollow,
Hopeful And Doubtful,
My Heart,
Only Slightly Whole.

Love has been cruel,
My heart is its companion,
Just as relentless,
They are partners in my demise,
My heart is caught in loves way,
To love another,
And have love go unreturned,
It left me and my heart with nothing,
Only a aching that wouldn't end,
I feel each moment of pain,
Each second of agony,
Love and my heart together,
Causing mass destruction,
Leaving me in a dark abyss,
For I am the one to suffer,
While they go off and just love one another.

Today I discovered the truth,
I learned that every word was a lie,
Every moment I spent with you was wasted,
Your telling them You never loved me,
Then why did you tell me that so many times,
You tell them we were never together,
But they know we were,
You tell them our kisses and our hugs meant nothing,
Then why did you write me,
Saying you still remembered the way I kiss,
And my beautiful face,
Why did you tell me you still cared,
When it's obvious now,
You don't,
And maybe you never did.

That thought wounded me,
the thought like pounced on me as though it was a predator,
a predator to my heart.

I wish I could ignore them but I know it's too late my heart wants them...
And my mind says to stay away it'll only lead to pain...
So my heart ignores my mind and in the end gets broken...
My heart asks my mind"Will it always hurt when I fall in love?"
My mind says"Yes from time to time there will be pain but you have to know who is worth the pain and who isn't"....
And then a few days later my heart tells my mind"He's worth more pain than could be given"
And all my mind says is"If he's worth it then hold on no matter how much it hurts"