This is what you wanted

Because what i wanted was you,

Was a special love

Was a happiness that my dreams

Told me would be real

But your lips said never would be.

You told me
You didn't believe in divorce

Then what is this?

The dictionary says divorce
Also means separation, disunion,

That is what you made us
You separated the remaining pieces

Of our love
You broke our union
The one of dreams

You divorced me

For I am no longer in your life

And that was your choice

Maybe you believe in divorce after all.

This isn't who I wanted to be

But you left me

And the monster got loose

I try keeping her caged

But she gets out

You were suppose to save me

Now we're both in need of saving.

I've been wishing for
The same thing
The last six years
I've been wishing
Over and over again
Yet it never comes true
I've been wishing
That one day
Your love would be real
That it could actually compare
To the grand love that harbors
Within my grotesque heart.

No, she does not believe in fairy tales
She's not delusional,
She knows fairies aren't real
She knows a frog won't really become a prince
She knows, she really does

But she does believe in love,
She believes there is love stronger
Than the hearts capacity
That love is not held in one place
But in all of someones being,
She believes in true loves kiss
She believes in a happy ending for herself
Even if it may come with struggles

So no she does not believe in fairy tales
She believes in the love that they can inspire in someone.

Maybe its
The fact
That you've
Broken my
Heart
And I've
Broken yours
That keeps us
Forever linked

My tears,

They
            A
                 L
                    W
                        A
                            Y
                               S

**Return

You're right
You're the reason
I didn't **** myself
As a 18th birthday gift
To myself

But never forget
You're the reason
I'm here now
Crying
Waiting
For you to still just be
The best friend
You promised you would
Always be

My mind is saying
Your okay
Your moving forward
Your trying and thats all
That ever matters
But my heart
It whimpers a plea
*You know
You'll never stop
You know this feeling
Will not fade
You know you cant stop
Thinking about
Every moment
You know finding someone else
Wont fix this gaping hole
You know its okay to cry
Because all your hopes
Your dreams and faith
Have crushed and crumbled
You know you cannot erase the past
Or accept the change
You know the truth no matter
What you do you'll always know
He was your first love
And you will love him
Until beyond time
Hush now girl
Its okay for us to hurt
But be careful of your mind
Because even though its trying
To heal us
It may take away our every chance at happiness.

The cool chill
Of a dark depression
Blows into me
Fills me with sadness

I dream every night
Of you
I am haunted
By my loneliness

I wake up everyday
With a heart
Shattered from
My very own failures

The depression freezes me
Won't you come defrost me

Just a little?

I tried
Tried so hard
To fight
To let you go
But my heart
It needed you
My dreams
Kept me hoping
They'd plague me
Each night
Reminding me
Of you
Of all you mean to me
And nothing could
Truly end
My desire
My love for you
Replacements were failures
Because there's only one you
Eventually
My dreams ended
But by the time they did
You returned to me
And my soul was once again free
I was no longer
Caged.

I use to wish for you at Christmas


This year

I'll be wishing for something else

Maybe someone else

I'll be wishing to find a man

Who will truly love me

Who makes promises

And actually keeps them.

Look at me
My tears
My broken heart
Isn't that
Physical
Because my chest
It aches
And the tears wet my face
And I fight
To stop them both
To prove myself
As strong
But it all pushes down
And I seem to get lost
In the bottom
Of a very large bag.

I wish
Someone would
Ask me
What happened
In my life
I wish I could
Tell them
So that they'd
Understand it
I wish
It was easier
To remember.

You thought I had changed
Because I had
We all do
Time passes
And little things change
This is my third evolution
Maybe my fourth
Look maybe I'm not the
Same little girl
Who loved you madly
With more heart than she had
Maybe I'm a new girl
Lost between
Confident
And totally lacking any
Actual self esteem
I'm new maybe not improved
But I'm me
I still have the dark brown eyes
Dark brown curly hair
Same pink lips as those that you kissed
I've grown though
More than just physically
But internally
I won't let you break me
And I'll try not to break myself
I'm newer
Not different
Open your eyes and see me.

I say it again and again
Yet it continues to fall
Upon silent ears.

I love him

So we cannot be

We're friends

Nothing more

My heart doesnt sing your name

The way it sings his

And when my body pleads

It only pleads for him

So please

Save yourself the heartache

And just be my friend

I want nothing more.


I'm sorry.

There's no point
In asking you
To be mine
Because as much
As you want to
You can't risk it
As much as I want
To beg you
I know you can't say
Okay to the idea
That we need to be
Together
I know as much as
I beg and I plead
And I hope and I pray
I need patience and faith
But the pain is just so strong
And I just want you
But I'm just a dreamer
Whose dreams are
Currently unavailable.

To all the girls and women who have been brave enough to face their trauma and come forward and report

I admire you so much
You are SO strong

All four times it's happened to me

I laid there like a deer in the headlights

Like a possum playing dead

Waiting for it to end
So I could walk away in tears

And hopefully never see them again

To bury my trauma so deep no one can ever find it

And there you are in court

Locking them up and throwing away the key

I wish I did that

I'm so sorry I didn't

I'm always afraid that I'll run into them

Afraid they did it again

Afraid of remembering

But every time I cry it seeps out

Because no matter how hard I try to bury it

It's a part of me

A part of the story line that cannot be erased

I just need to keep reading and hope the ending it happier.

I wonder if you watch the clouds too

If you watch them move
And change
Forming new creatures
Within their white tufts

I wonder if they hang above you
And if you look at them
And think of me

I know that every cloud
Seems to remind me of you

It covers the earth in shade
But shines brightly on nice days

You were covered in darkness
But sometimes, on good days,
You smile so brightly,
Held me so tightly,

So yes you remind me of the clouds

You remind me of so much
And so much reminds me of you.