My past finally said goodbye
With a block to the face

Goodbye hopes and dreams of eleven year old me

My past finally will fade

I will no longer live in the shadow
Of what you wanted me to be.

I wonder if you watch the clouds too

If you watch them move
And change
Forming new creatures
Within their white tufts

I wonder if they hang above you
And if you look at them
And think of me

I know that every cloud
Seems to remind me of you

It covers the earth in shade
But shines brightly on nice days

You were covered in darkness
But sometimes, on good days,
You smile so brightly,
Held me so tightly,

So yes you remind me of the clouds

You remind me of so much
And so much reminds me of you.

My tears,

They
            A
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**Return

Maybe its
The fact
That you've
Broken my
Heart
And I've
Broken yours
That keeps us
Forever linked

My mind is saying
Your okay
Your moving forward
Your trying and thats all
That ever matters
But my heart
It whimpers a plea
*You know
You'll never stop
You know this feeling
Will not fade
You know you cant stop
Thinking about
Every moment
You know finding someone else
Wont fix this gaping hole
You know its okay to cry
Because all your hopes
Your dreams and faith
Have crushed and crumbled
You know you cannot erase the past
Or accept the change
You know the truth no matter
What you do you'll always know
He was your first love
And you will love him
Until beyond time
Hush now girl
Its okay for us to hurt
But be careful of your mind
Because even though its trying
To heal us
It may take away our every chance at happiness.

I wish
Someone would
Ask me
What happened
In my life
I wish I could
Tell them
So that they'd
Understand it
I wish
It was easier
To remember.

Look at me
My tears
My broken heart
Isn't that
Physical
Because my chest
It aches
And the tears wet my face
And I fight
To stop them both
To prove myself
As strong
But it all pushes down
And I seem to get lost
In the bottom
Of a very large bag.

I use to wish for you at Christmas


This year

I'll be wishing for something else

Maybe someone else

I'll be wishing to find a man

Who will truly love me

Who makes promises

And actually keeps them.

I tried
Tried so hard
To fight
To let you go
But my heart
It needed you
My dreams
Kept me hoping
They'd plague me
Each night
Reminding me
Of you
Of all you mean to me
And nothing could
Truly end
My desire
My love for you
Replacements were failures
Because there's only one you
Eventually
My dreams ended
But by the time they did
You returned to me
And my soul was once again free
I was no longer
Caged.

There's no point
In asking you
To be mine
Because as much
As you want to
You can't risk it
As much as I want
To beg you
I know you can't say
Okay to the idea
That we need to be
Together
I know as much as
I beg and I plead
And I hope and I pray
I need patience and faith
But the pain is just so strong
And I just want you
But I'm just a dreamer
Whose dreams are
Currently unavailable.

Boom boom boom
She knocks on the door of an entity
Shaped like an ***** she long forgot
She hears whispers
Alas no answer

Boom boom boom
She knocks again
The silence from the other side
Ringing in her gentle ears
And she begins to wonder
Will she ever again find the key

I say it again and again
Yet it continues to fall
Upon silent ears.

I love him

So we cannot be

We're friends

Nothing more

My heart doesnt sing your name

The way it sings his

And when my body pleads

It only pleads for him

So please

Save yourself the heartache

And just be my friend

I want nothing more.


I'm sorry.

You thought I had changed
Because I had
We all do
Time passes
And little things change
This is my third evolution
Maybe my fourth
Look maybe I'm not the
Same little girl
Who loved you madly
With more heart than she had
Maybe I'm a new girl
Lost between
Confident
And totally lacking any
Actual self esteem
I'm new maybe not improved
But I'm me
I still have the dark brown eyes
Dark brown curly hair
Same pink lips as those that you kissed
I've grown though
More than just physically
But internally
I won't let you break me
And I'll try not to break myself
I'm newer
Not different
Open your eyes and see me.

Should I go
Seems like you want me
To fade
The scars have gone
So does that mean
Your obligations to me have too
I'm falling apart
And I need you
But this time
Like so many others
I'm left here
Alone
Wondering if you ever
Wanted me at all.

I just wish I wasnt so lonely
I miss you
I love you
And I hope
We do come
Back to each other
Because I
Believe
We are
Meant to be

Today
After all
Was done
I wanted
Desperately
To lay with you
Just as we were.

*If only we had time

We were together
Three years
And you thought I was cheating
So you cheated a little

Not that there's really a degree of it, either you are or you aren't

But in all that time
That you thought that
You missed something really important

You missed the way I look at you

Like my whole world is in your eyes

Like you're the most attractive person in this world to me

Like I love you, every crazy, paranoid, insane part of you

You missed the part where I promised to always love you

And though in that time together

We did plan our future

You didn't think my heart was in it

But baby my whole soul was in it

There is no future for me without you

If there is it will just be a sad miserable existence

You lied and hid stuff

I didn't care about your choices

Just that you decided to lie

Three years together

Now nine of knowing you

And I still can't stop dreaming of you

You are home

Sweetie

I can't stop this love

I have tried

I have tried to love others

I have tried to find a lover

That could beat you

But you are always my King

And no matter how you hurt me

No matter what you think I feel

No matter if you lie or break promises

You will always be the person who brought me to life

The person who makes me happiest

And I will always love you

And if that makes me crazy

Then I'm okay with that.

When we were apart
We nearly killed ourselves

When we were together
We barely breathed life into each other

Now it's fair to say
We can not be here nor there

For us
We don't belong anywhere.

As I teetered between between being sleep and consciousness I felt your arm wrapped around me like fairy dust that was left behind because when I was jolted awake by this feeling I knew I'd turn around and you, you wouldn't be there.

My world shattered
The diamonds that cascaded my life
Broke and fell around me
Shimmering in horror
For I have nothing left
And i try so hard now
To sweep up the glass
And put something, anything together
I try to make something out of nothing
But the ashes of the lost dreams
That now seem so hopeless
I fight for strength
When the aching is constant
And I'll move on and pretend
That nothing broke
That there never was
A sparkling world that has fallen apart
I'll put away some shards
Hoping one day everything will
Return to its former glory
But even my hope feels
Bitter and useless
I am no longer who i was years ago
Nor just last night
I'm the girl standing on the mound
Of all her failures
Searching for something good
Something solid and everlasting
And finding nothing
Ploping down in the mound of broken moments
That we never got to have
And all the ones we did
I'm the girl who is nothing
But the glass you step on outside
Or the dirt sweeping up in the wind.

I cried so hard that night
Thanking God
For this last
Year and a half
Telling him how
I tried
And how i loved you
And how i shouldve listened
To his signs that it
Simply wasnt time
But he has yet to answer
If it'll ever get to be the right time.


So i fade back into the past and pray for you
Like i always use to do
Pray that you stay in my life
Even if im broken
Pray that one day you'll see
That i looked at you with more love
Than most humans can understand
Pray for God to find a way.

A heart

Is never

Ready

To be broken.