I don't dream anymore
I've lost all inspiration
And it all started with
How badly I miss you.

I know how bad
I miss you, I miss
You body, mind
And soul and I
Miss so much
And the aching
Never leaves me.

I think
The best part
Of seeing you
Leave
And now
Come back
To me
Is that I
Got to fall
In love
All over again.

Everyday I can't remember because
That hurts way too much
So I'm trying to put myself out there
At least through technology
Because let's face facts
I am not an openly social person
But I'm swallowed by the lack of decency
I am not just body parts to be displayed
I am not going to give myself away
I am not just one part
I am not a pair of ****
And let me say since when did ****
Outrank a personality
I will not send pictures to appease their fetishes
Or to satisfy them
I will not settle for a hook up because that is not who I am
That is not what I deserve
I just had my heart thrown aside
I do not need ***
I need a conversation
A friendship
A polite interest
I do not need to be objectified day in and day out
My confidence levels are lingering on low
I don't need anymore problems
I need a solution.

You're right
You're the reason
I didn't **** myself
As a 18th birthday gift
To myself

But never forget
You're the reason
I'm here now
Crying
Waiting
For you to still just be
The best friend
You promised you would
Always be

I spent my whole life
Being kicked by the people I love
So when looking for someone new
I always settle
Not because I want to
But because I don't deserve to be with someone perfect
Because they do not belong in my chaos
Because I need love there and then
Even if it is utterly flawed
I spent my whole life
Being deemed imperfect
From my family
My friends
Even my violators
I was never good enough
Do not love me
Do not caress me
Do not tell me I am perfect in spite of my flaws
Do not get that close
I will fall in love
I will be broken again
Girls like me
Don't get perfection
I get what I get
No complaints
Appreciate what I have
Because in a instant
I will have nothing and no one again.

I'm gonna be honest
I can't write about
You leaving me
Because
Then it truly
Becomes real
And your here now
I'm not hurting
Not yet.

The music
It swelled all
The pain I buried
In my heart
And it rose
And spilled over
With the rawness
Of my love
And the foam
Of agony
Began to help me
Feel more determined
As this emotion
Of pain spilled out
I was never more sure

That your worth
All the battles that
Are yet to come
And so many more.

My mom told me
That God promotes love
And I rather believe her
Than you
Because the God I know
Wouldn't abandon
Wouldn't give up
Not on any of his children
So I believe in God
But I believe
He wanted us
To be together
Not torn apart
And utterly
Destroyed.

There are so many things
I'm scared to do again
Like fall in love
Like hold hands
Or kiss
To hug
To call them
Baby
To dream
To laugh
I'm scared
Of moving on
Making love
With anyone new
Doing anything
With someone new
I feel frozen
The pain reaching every
Inch of me
I can't actually move on
But maybe I can pretend to

I do not regret loving you

Despite the end
Despite all the tears

I loved you

And that was beautiful

Those moments
Were worth every bit of this pain.

I've come to a point
Where I want to run from everyone
And everything
To run from my own life
Every move I make feels wrong
And every choice disappoints someone

I am in a storm
And I cannot seem to survive
I feel myself breaking apart
Like a wet piece of paper

I am incapable of piecing myself back
I cannot choose anymore
My heart is a **** fool
And my mind is forgetting all too fast.

I have this
Never ending feeling
Not even You
Want this
To Last.

Your the boy
Who stole my heart
Tore it apart
And left me here
With only fear
I'm broken
I'm not whole
I used to believe
You had a soul
Now here I am
Searching for another way
To rid these thoughts of you
For all the days
I don't want to hurt
But I do
Mainly because
My heart still loves you.

Me?
I would risk
Death
Just to
See
Your
Face.

I love you
More with
Each day
For I love you
More with every
New memory
That we share
Together.

Exhale

She collapses in on herself finally

Defeated

At last they have broken her

The proud woman

The strong woman

She has faltered

At last

They have ****** the love from her lungs

And she *exhales

The dust of brokenness escapes her lungs

She has withered now

And so the world

Will never know

How wonderful

How strong

Love can truly be.

You cannot
Deny the facts
You've loved before
*You will love again.

I can already feel
The blood rising
To the surface
Of my skin

I can already
Feel that old ache
The pain
The loneliness

I can already
Feel what it'll be like
Without you again.

Don't you dare think I forgot
Just because you did
November 23rd 2009
You asked me to be yours
November 25th 2009
We had out first kiss
November 30th 2009
We made out and then you left me
September 14th 2012
We met to kiss and when we did
You asked me to be yours
October 11th 2012
We made love for the first time
December 11th 2012
You proposed and I said yes

Somewhere between we fell apart
Even if we came back together
We were never quite whole again.

I hate myself in this instant

For missing you

For crying for you

For wishing you stayed

For wishing you were holding me

I hate myself for always loving you.