Is it wrong
That this death
Makes no impact
Is it wrong
That the only pain
I feel
Is that of my
Guiltless conscience.

Hidden in silence
Unseen by listeners
Blending into this
Hellish home
Escape is not found
Only survival
Hanging on by a thread
you sewed into me
And the thread
Is breaking
I'm no longer
Safe or invisible
And this
Existence
May be the end of me

I'm sorry I'm out of words
All I have left are these emotions
That I can no longer fathom verbally

Just feel them internally
They rip at my soul everyday

The pain starts in my chest
And surges through my arms

I love
And I hate
And I envy
I lust
I hope
I break

I cannot make this sound beautiful
Because it is the mess that it is
I am a mess
Not just physically
But mentally and emotionally

I no longer have a knight to save me
I have to be my own knight
And figure out how the hell I'm suppose to save myself.

You told me
You're leaving me
Again

Was I supposed to smile
And pretend it was okay

The pain of life
Without you

My Beloved
Has been unbearable
And I'm expected to do it once more

I'm expected to
Squander my time
Until your supposed return

I am sworn not to stray
You are sworn to that
And to love me

To try to keep us alive
So long as I stay true to you

But maybe our rollercoaster of love
Isn't at just another fall
Maybe it's just
Reached the end
And has nowhere else to go
The only option
Is to start all over


I'm not sure if the passengers are safe
They were almost destroyed last time.

I've been told
For love to exist
Pain must as well
But what if the pain
Comes from
Them
Not loving
You
At All.

Needing you
Waiting for you
The distance
Only temporary
No matter how agonizing
We'll reach the day
When time together
Is endless
Or at least
More available
We'll get there
One day
We will
Because that's
How it's suppose to be.

My poor head
With all it's endless
Pain and aching.

I still remember
Because I was taught
Never to forget
I know the images
Will never fade
The days I loved you
Everything you were
All the time I spent
Crying because you left
The eternity I will spend
In search
For a forever
To complete
The never ending
Gaping hole
In my chest
That my
First love
Left there.

I wanted you
With every beat
And thump of my heart
I loved you
Maybe I still do
My chest jumps
And aches
As it sees you
I wince in agony
Every time I look into your eyes
And I see a boy who changed
I can still see the one I loved
Peeking through
If only he'd stay.

My heart
It tickles
It seems to grow
Each moment
That you smile
Each second we're close
Oh darling
If you don't go
My heart may explode
You fill me
With this joy
And I simply
Cannot escape
This maze
Of fear and joy
For I fear the joy
And don't  know
Which to turn to
Because I love you
You make me so happy
Oh but darling
I don't deserve you
Oh how your absence scares me.

I broke down today
And I don't know if I should smile
Because I didn't cut myself
Or cry some more
Because it's been so long
Since I broke down.

You kiss me
My forehead
My nose
My cheek
My neck
And lips
Whisper
"I love you"
Ask me if
I love you
No emotions
Pass through me
Just pleasant
Happiness
In your arms
So I know
The truth
I love another
So no
I don't love you
I just love being with you
So knowing your
Words
Are just to please me
Pleases me.

I know I hurt you
I know you want retribution
For all I've done over the years
And that no amount of apologies
Can make up for my wrongs
But I regret them all
I learned from them though
I learned that *** is wretched without love
And one day I suppose
In making it all fair
You'll see that
I learned that love
Is more valuable than pride
In our time together
I forgave you
Took you back
Buried the hatchet
Because my love outweighed
My pain
And I suppose
It truly was I that loved most
And yet I know
You'd still put up a fight saying differently
So in this time I realized that
This life without you in it to comfort me
Is unbearable and my heart
Aches with the sorrow
The past taught me
That I can't give up
Even when it seems like
Its my only option
The past showed me that
When your down
You have to fight harder
Because you can't let the current
Sweep you away
My past is a hideous thing
And besides the time with you
I'd like to erase every bit
But at least i learned
At least the lessons
Gave me faith and kept me faithful
At least even if you never forgive me
You know your loved
At least you know
You'll always have a bed to come to
Even if its broken.

Its so cloudy here,
Because my sunshine,
He died last night,
Or rather he killed the
Connection we shared
So we are severed
Forever it seems
And I will die alone
Just as suspected
Die miserably
Alone.

I caught myself
From saying your name
And the realization
That your name still lingers
On my lips
Only reminded me
Of the flame you
Use to leave upon them
With your amazing kiss
And how no other
Can ever compare to that.

I covered my brokenness
In some mud
Because they say it helps heal

I am *****
And I am gritty

But no
I am not broken

I have buried the pieces
In the mud

I have yelled for them to heal

And they did not listen

Until a gentle stranger came along

And whispered to them

Heal because you are beautiful

And I was whole again

I was me

And I thanked the stranger

For he saved me.

I always wished on stars
While some wished for golden bars
I wished for love
Someone who'd make my heart skip when thought of
While they got bars of gold
I remain without someone to hold
I'm wondering if my stars died
Wondering if anyone has tried
I'm sick of being let down
Sick and tired of my frown
I need to find a heart
Just one who won't tear mine apart
Still no one wants me to love and hold
It's hard to believe the world has become so cold
But because they have I grow alone and old.

Love has consumed me
Far too long
For me to ever stop
To ever lose faith
Because in my darkest days
All I had was hope
For a future with
The one I love
Who would love me
As wildly and crazily
From day one to the very last
With every bit of his heart.

Growing up
I was taught
Marriage came first

Growing up
I saw this almost never happened

Growing up
My friends had kids

Growing up
I was told I might never

Growing up
Right this moment

Growing up
Means wiping the tears away and trying anyway

Growing up
Means finding the patience

Growing up
I believed everything I wanted was possible

Growing up
I learned that's not true

Growing up
I learned dreams change
And so do possibilities

Just keep growing

I love you
I love everything about you

I love your scar
More than words can say

I love your lips
When they smile
When they laugh
And especially when their kissing mine

I love your hands
I love that their so warm in winter
I love that they're the same size as mine
And yet they look overpowering
I love how they move and touch

I love your neck
And I love that you let me bite it

I love your body
And waking up beside it
I love that it only took two minutes
For you to be deeply asleep

I love your heart
And how you care

I love your mind
Because I love knowing
Your thinking of our future too.

Well baby I think you know I just

Love you.

It's as my fingers
Lose the ability
To bend and grasp
it's the moment
I'm shivering
Because the cold is
Spreading rapidly
That I realize
I truly love you
It's as I bare the cold
That I know
I want nothing
The way I want you
And all I can do
Is hope you'll stay
And wish on every star
That one day
I get to be your wife
And that maybe
We can give this world
Our child to pass us on.

It's the moment
You kiss my lips
And tell me you love me
That I believe
My hopes and my wishes
Will come true.

You are the breath I take in,
Once inhaled I can last a hour or two,
But in this moment I lack air,
Your out of my reach,
And my body is caving in,
I'm searching for any sign of you,
I need just one hit,
One moment to indulge in you,
To feel your warmth
Before the day you leave me,
And air will no longer fill me,
And again I will be empty,
With a missing piece,
With no you,
With just this horrible version of me,
Suffering,
Aching ,
Alone,
Without you or anyone to hold me,
To care for me,
I sure won't,
That kind of why I love you,
You Care

You
Whether
You become
My husband
The father
Of my unborn
Child
Or Whether
We part
And our
Hearts become
Shattered
We will
Always be
Friends.

The water swayed slowly
As I walked by
Each step I took
Another glorious flashback

You kissed me against that wall
When nobody was coming

Sat with me there and cheered me up

You and I celebrated there
And there too

You threw rocks
And I joined in

We sat on that bench
And watched the sun rise

You took my play doh hearts
And made me promise
To never leave them for
Strangers again
Because we were each others
And every bit of my heart
It was and still is yours

You gave me yours once
And I still hold it up to
That picture of us

We kissed beneath there
And wished we had our own room

We dreamed there of our future
Our future together

That place was ours

I remember the first time
You told me you loved me
Was on our way there
And it broke down
Every wall
I spent building
And I told you I loved you too
With fear and hope in my heart

I remember so many things about us

And I remember so many things we did
Or we said when we were there

It was our sanctuary
Together there
We were free

I love that place more than I ever did

Not because it's beauty
Or its energy

But because we created something there.