I wish
but you and me
Are torn
And the ache
Grows with
every threat
That you'll leave
And every
False idea
That maybe I can
I wish
But too much
has been destroyed
Can we salvage this?

I want you forever
Not just momentarily
It may seem selfish but I need you
Your the only one who hasn't manipulated me
You never lied
Or tried to use me
You were my best friend
No one has compared to you
I don't know why but
It was always you
My whole life
All I wanted was love
And I found it with you
With you I never have to try
To be someone I'm not
My heart wants you
You were always more
Than a friend or boyfriend
You we're my survival
My future
I've only been happy in my life with you
Because Joshua you know it was always you
Through all my mistakes
Through all the bad choices
One thing stayed the same
I loved you
I still do
Forever
And Always.

Someone always seems
To ask me
How do I know everything
Will happen the way I hope?

And I simply respond
**Because when he loses faith
And when nothing seems right
I look to the sky
And I whisper my dreams
And the faith rushes back into me
I'm suddenly reassured
That everything will go the way I hope
And everyday I awake with faith in my heart
For I know with faith and determination
I can succeed.

If we cannot find acceptance nor love
In this world
Than both
Humanity
And Society
Has truly failed.

Suddenly
I'm more sure
Than ever
You are
The one
I've always
Wanted
The one I'll
Always need
And the one
I will forever
Love.

Your smile
It helps my heart
Beat
And somehow
Your hapiness
Makes breathing
easier.

If all does not
Improve
It's you
I will lose
And my fear
Keeps me here
I cannot help myself
For I'm falling
And no net will catch me
I know
If I do not try harder
Than my hardest
I could be risking
The most important
Thing in my life
And then
Blades would surely
Find their way
Onto my skin.

Sometimes I
Kinda wish he'd
Push it just a
Little farther
Test me
Let it happen
Somehow
Without immediate
Knowledge
So I have no choice
But to take it
Because maybe
Then I won't
Be reminded of the past
That still haunts me
It nearly breaks
My heart because
I can't do to him
What I should be able to
I can't please him
And we can't please
Each other simultaneously
And I wish I could
At least try
Sometimes he
Tempts me
Brings a passion
Out of me
That I feel in the pit of me
I wish I could
Make it okay
Attempt it
Have a try with him
But there's a hesitant
Fear controlling me
There's to much
Pressure
Too much nightmarish memories.

I'm sorry

She felt the tears slide down her cheek
She has lost so much
She has felt too much
She is not beautiful
She is crying because of you
Because somehow she let herself repeat her mistakes
Because each day she hopes
For so much more
Because she is greedy in wanting you
In wanting to love you
In loving you
She gathers these feelings
But sometimes
When you say something
Ridiculous or silly
She laughs
And whispers how she loves you
How did the sun ever shine
Before she met you
How did she ever smile
Because now they feel more genuine than ever
She hates herself for loving you
But she loves you
Maybe you know
Maybe you don't
But she can never say it to you
She can never risk losing you.

I'm not sure how to tell you this
But from the ages of 4 to 11 you were my hero
Then everything started to change
And you made my self-esteem hit zero
You see I could handle the doctors
And my peers all calling me fat
But my own mother ridiculing me
Putting me on diet after diet
What the hell was that?

So,
You're not the superhero in my stories anymore
But I don't quite think it matters
Because I'm no longer your sidekick
I was replaced by a son who isn't even yours
Momma we use to be friends
Momma I use to trust you
But I can't tell you everything I've been through
Because you would judge me

Momma you're the one person in all the world
Who is suppose to just  love me

Not shame me

So momma

Can you accept who I am?

Will you hear my plea?

I
Just
Feel
So
Alone
I
Just
Feel
So
Worthless

I think about
Holding them
Laughing at
Their first smile
Filled with delight
That fateful day
When they begin
To cause havoc
Meaning when they
Can walk
Shouting with joy
At their first word
Hoping they stay this innocent
And breathtaking for
As long as possible
I think about them a lot
Because even though
You and I haven't created
Them quite yet
One day we will
And we'll be ready.

My head hurts from my tears
And my eyes blur
And yet I write to tell you
I cannot survive without you
I write to you begging for you
To keep me


Please



*Keep me.

Friends
Kiss friends
On the cheek
Especially on
Valentines day.

I thought about you
Just last night
And how we made love
One last time
And the way you wanted me
Had to have me
Like suddenly
Your ****** desires
Had been awakened
I remember the way you licked me
Like you were sorry you hadn't
For all those months
Like your tongue was spelling
Sorry into my skin
If I had known
That would be my last kiss
From you or anyone
I wouldve asked you
To swallow the ham sandwich
Just a little better
Or for you to kiss me
Just a little longer
Had I known
Or had I believed
The look in your eyes
We would still be
But alas I had finally learned
No matter how much you
Say you love me
You will still leave me
You will still
Say I'm not quite good enough
Had I known that I would never
See you again
I still would've held you closer
And rubbed your back
Or run my fingers through your hair
I would've begged for you to accept me
To just love me
But I was shattered when we made love
That's why I cried after
Because I knew
Deep down
I knew
I would lose
The one man I loved
Forever
I knew he would never
Hold me again
As I nestled my body into him
I just,
I knew.

I miss the people I once knew.
I miss the friends I once had.
And I miss the people I once loved.

Love viciously
Love violently
Love deeply
And never
Think about
What can go wrong
Just focus on
What's finally going right.

I want you
To take me
Here and now
I want to see
Your glorious
Face and feel
Those perfectly
Proportioned lips
Kiss mine
I want to feel them
Slip away down my neck
And make my skin rise
I want to laugh
That warm comfortable
Laugh where you kiss me
Just for my happiness
Fierce and passionate
Uncontrolled and all powerful
So I slip into it
Wanting more
Hands that roam
Passions that say
Anywhere is okay to be wild
I want you to reclaim my body
To take it and do what you please
And so I can do the same with yours
So we can weld together
Our immense love
And make it into action
After action
Of endless thrusts
And whispered
I love you's
All I want
Is you

God gave you some beautiful lips


(That we're meant for mine)

I get lost
Sometimes

Lost in you
The desperaity

Begging me
To stay close

I get lost
In myself

It's truest desires
It's sanity

Which loves to slip away
While I sit here

Wondering why
How

I got so lost

At least I know one place
You can find me

Happy and sane
Safely in his arms.

I'm close to you,
Tempted by you,
If only I could hold your hand,
Kiss your lips,
Stare into your eyes,
And capture your heart,
If only dreams came true,
My love is strong,
And yours does not exsist,
We're not to meant to be,
And you never showed any signs we were,
My boy,
The one who temps,
Stay close,
Don't go,
And let me hope for loving days.

I was never skinny
And I think that killed my mother
I was never happy
And I think that killed my mother
I was always different
And I think that killed my mother
I always straightened my curls
And I think that killed my mother
I like black
And I think that killed my mother
I hate my glasses
And I think that killed my mother
I was broken  and no one comforted me
And I think that killed my mother
I was smart and became dumb
And I think that killed my mother
She bore me and she judges everything I do
And that kills me.

This Is It
The one place
I'm free
Here I can
Breathe
I can remember
And yet let
It go through me
Reminding myself
It's the past
And here lies
Beauty
A serenity
The back and forth
Motions of the water
The sweetness
It supplies
And the safety
It Ensures.

No matter what
I look into your eyes with love,
Throughout fights
Throughout our pleasures
And throughout the rest of our lives
I will always look at you with love
And these words
They can never express
All that I feel for you,
As we lay together,
And the silence fills the air,
I am at peace
Not because the lack of sound brings peace
But because you
Are there
Because within that empty sound
There are hearts beating,
Beating for one another
Filled to the brim with love,
With strength to endure,
A power to last eternity.

Every single
Solitary moment
Standing in
The cold
0 below
Is worth it
As long
As I have you
To Hug
To Kiss
For your love
Will keep me warm.

How can I fix wounds
That are so fresh
That open every time
You tell me I'm your everything
Every time you tell me you love me
You hate him
Because in your mind
He stole me away
And maybe he did
But I never planned it
I thought I was falling in love with you
So I ran
But he got in my way
And because of it
He unleashed an older love
That can never completely die.

I

F
    A
          L
                L

Like a leaf

Floating from

A colored tree in autumn

Straight into his arms

He wants me
But I don't want him,
I want you,
I want love
I want your eyes
And your heart
Your comfort
And I probably
Messed up
Too much
For the millionth time
Because I mess up a lot
And my chances look bad
But in the end
God will save us
And maybe
If we meet in heaven
All will be resolved
And I can have another chance.

Sometimes it flows through me,
Sometimes it is just stuck.

I was a foolish girl
To once believe you'd stay

I was silly
To believe it when you said
" I will marry you one day"

Here lie my remains
Such a broken soul without you

Without you my soul
No longer feels complete
My life is shattering

All stability lost
I'm circling the end
For there is no life if there is no you

You beg that I stay
Keep loving you
You promise to.come.back
To marry me one day
But I don't know if its a chance
Such a foolish
Such a silly girl
Can take again.

I may be young but I know
That this love,
It will go on,
Unwarranted
Unwanted
Incapable of fading
And so it was
That at the age of sixteen,
I was determined to die
In love with you,
And because of it
I would die miserably
And horribly alone.

I miss you

I whispered into
My empty room
Hoping it'd find you

My heart churned heavily
Imagining us together
Bathing in the glory
Of our indescribable love


Wishing you could
Just run
And find me
So we can be saved
Together
Drenched in blessed water

Oh how my mind dreams

We make a beautiful couple sweetie
And despite everything
We'd make a breathtaking child

Raised in His love
And ours

We are two souls
Tethered together

And we will *always
Find a way
To come back
To each other

I have faith
And so
I whisper
I love you future husband

Knowing your heart
Has gladly accepted the name.