Looking back
I just
Always knew
From that moment
Our eyes met
Something
Grew
My heart learned
Love is real
It discovered
Our love is the truest of the true.

Someone always seems
To ask me
How do I know everything
Will happen the way I hope?

And I simply respond
**Because when he loses faith
And when nothing seems right
I look to the sky
And I whisper my dreams
And the faith rushes back into me
I'm suddenly reassured
That everything will go the way I hope
And everyday I awake with faith in my heart
For I know with faith and determination
I can succeed.

The first time you hugged me

I thought I could tell you anything

But now I know

I can never tell you

Those five little words

I can never tell you

I'm in love with you.

I wish
but you and me
Are torn
And the ache
Grows with
every threat
That you'll leave
And every
False idea
That maybe I can
I wish
But too much
has been destroyed
Can we salvage this?

Wrapped in you
Light kisses
The tv
Playing rock
In the back
You smile
I laugh
My heart
Swells
And inside
I cry
Because this
Only makes me
Want you more
Not just now
Not just
For a few years
But Forever
Because I love you
Too much to Ever
Let you go.

The very word
Strikes me to my core
So many definitions
Of what makes a person
Beautiful
And yet
When you look at me
You need not think
Only speak the word
And that's how I feel loved
On darker days
With that word
That makes me feel special
And happy
With a simple word
That contains as many
Syllables as my first name
You wrap me into your arms
And complete me with your love
And I actually believe you
When you say it
Because that sparkle
In those sweet eyes
Tell me
You truly believe I am.

I
Just
Feel
So
Alone
I
Just
Feel
So
Worthless

I thought there was movement
That something was finally
Moving foward
But in the end i see
We remain in the same place
Our feet concrete
Immovable
But I'd do it all again
I'd pour my heart out again
Just for those three words.

I want you forever
Not just momentarily
It may seem selfish but I need you
Your the only one who hasn't manipulated me
You never lied
Or tried to use me
You were my best friend
No one has compared to you
I don't know why but
It was always you
My whole life
All I wanted was love
And I found it with you
With you I never have to try
To be someone I'm not
My heart wants you
You were always more
Than a friend or boyfriend
You we're my survival
My future
I've only been happy in my life with you
Because Joshua you know it was always you
Through all my mistakes
Through all the bad choices
One thing stayed the same
I loved you
I still do
Forever
And Always.

This is it
I'm playing all my cards
Showing you myself
In all of it's weak glory
Here I am
On my knees
Telling you
I Love You
Admitting all I denied
I'll walk away
Pretend I don't care
That you don't love me
I will try not to care
Knowing I'm not good enough
But if you catch me alone
My eyes
Will be bleeding endless tears
My heart torn
And my body now hallow
Because pain
Burned me to deep
To deep this time.

I love the irony

You  hating

Me

Yet still

My name

It spews from your mouth

Full of mad lies

As though you've even said a word to me

I laugh as you try

Not to look at me

Yet our eyes briefly meet

I love

How you hate me

Because I know

It wasn't always that way.

If all does not
Improve
It's you
I will lose
And my fear
Keeps me here
I cannot help myself
For I'm falling
And no net will catch me
I know
If I do not try harder
Than my hardest
I could be risking
The most important
Thing in my life
And then
Blades would surely
Find their way
Onto my skin.

Sometimes I
Kinda wish he'd
Push it just a
Little farther
Test me
Let it happen
Somehow
Without immediate
Knowledge
So I have no choice
But to take it
Because maybe
Then I won't
Be reminded of the past
That still haunts me
It nearly breaks
My heart because
I can't do to him
What I should be able to
I can't please him
And we can't please
Each other simultaneously
And I wish I could
At least try
Sometimes he
Tempts me
Brings a passion
Out of me
That I feel in the pit of me
I wish I could
Make it okay
Attempt it
Have a try with him
But there's a hesitant
Fear controlling me
There's to much
Pressure
Too much nightmarish memories.

I'm sorry

She fell into him
And he grabbed her
Held her by the hips
Looked her in the eyes
And kissed her

She kissed him back
Her heart fluttering

Her soul taking off on possibilities

He pulled away,
Chuckled at her rosy cheeks

Thinking it was one of the things
That he adored about her

He wanted to be hers

She smiled
And looked him in the eyes
For the very first time

He looked back

And finally they saw

All their lives
They have been waiting
For a person

To make them feel this way
Effortlessly.

I'm not sure how to tell you this
But from the ages of 4 to 11 you were my hero
Then everything started to change
And you made my self-esteem hit zero
You see I could handle the doctors
And my peers all calling me fat
But my own mother ridiculing me
Putting me on diet after diet
What the hell was that?

So,
You're not the superhero in my stories anymore
But I don't quite think it matters
Because I'm no longer your sidekick
I was replaced by a son who isn't even yours
Momma we use to be friends
Momma I use to trust you
But I can't tell you everything I've been through
Because you would judge me

Momma you're the one person in all the world
Who is suppose to just  love me

Not shame me

So momma

Can you accept who I am?

Will you hear my plea?

I miss the people I once knew.
I miss the friends I once had.
And I miss the people I once loved.

Your smile
It helps my heart
Beat
And somehow
Your hapiness
Makes breathing
easier.

Love viciously
Love violently
Love deeply
And never
Think about
What can go wrong
Just focus on
What's finally going right.

If we cannot find acceptance nor love
In this world
Than both
Humanity
And Society
Has truly failed.

My head hurts from my tears
And my eyes blur
And yet I write to tell you
I cannot survive without you
I write to you begging for you
To keep me


Please



*Keep me.

Suddenly
I'm more sure
Than ever
You are
The one
I've always
Wanted
The one I'll
Always need
And the one
I will forever
Love.

It's harder
To write
About the dark
When your in love
And finally
Living in the light.

I think about
Holding them
Laughing at
Their first smile
Filled with delight
That fateful day
When they begin
To cause havoc
Meaning when they
Can walk
Shouting with joy
At their first word
Hoping they stay this innocent
And breathtaking for
As long as possible
I think about them a lot
Because even though
You and I haven't created
Them quite yet
One day we will
And we'll be ready.

She felt the tears slide down her cheek
She has lost so much
She has felt too much
She is not beautiful
She is crying because of you
Because somehow she let herself repeat her mistakes
Because each day she hopes
For so much more
Because she is greedy in wanting you
In wanting to love you
In loving you
She gathers these feelings
But sometimes
When you say something
Ridiculous or silly
She laughs
And whispers how she loves you
How did the sun ever shine
Before she met you
How did she ever smile
Because now they feel more genuine than ever
She hates herself for loving you
But she loves you
Maybe you know
Maybe you don't
But she can never say it to you
She can never risk losing you.

I'm close to you,
Tempted by you,
If only I could hold your hand,
Kiss your lips,
Stare into your eyes,
And capture your heart,
If only dreams came true,
My love is strong,
And yours does not exsist,
We're not to meant to be,
And you never showed any signs we were,
My boy,
The one who temps,
Stay close,
Don't go,
And let me hope for loving days.

This Is It
The one place
I'm free
Here I can
Breathe
I can remember
And yet let
It go through me
Reminding myself
It's the past
And here lies
Beauty
A serenity
The back and forth
Motions of the water
The sweetness
It supplies
And the safety
It Ensures.

Friends
Kiss friends
On the cheek
Especially on
Valentines day.

You know what I find ironic?
The way you always left me
Dumped me
And still wanted me to be there
And when I did it once
Compared to your dozens
You abandoned me

I find it ironic that you didn't want
To be like your father
Who left you
Who hurt you
But you became him

And that's why you were always angry

You couldn't forgive me
Because you hadn't forgiven yourself

I find it ironic that you said you loved me
As you left me

That you made promises
And broke them all
Always fearing I'd break mine

I find you ironic

Your scar
Your eyes
Your very essence

I had loved you so completely
And love had blinded me to the flaws

Love blinded me from the irony

You must not have loved me
Because you poked and prodded
Every single one

Still I miss the irony
I miss your confusion

I miss your arms
Your scars
You

I see now

And I still don't care

I still forgive you

And yes

I do love you.

Often I'm insecure
Because I will never measure up
To your idea of perfection
I will never be perfect
I worry I'm not enough
That I never will be
But to me, you always will be
And I don't know how to make myself enough  
I just hope you see that no matter what
I will always love you
I hope you see my efforts
I hope you realize
For me
Time doesn't change what's in my heart.

I don't want this
But when I close my eyes
I'm holding your hand
I smile looking into
Your beautiful eyes
And I kiss your lips lightly
Feeling more bliss
Running through me
In that instance
Than ever before
And when I open my eyes
I realize
Your Just My Friend.

It lived in my chest,
Ravished me in it's embrace,
It warmed me when I was cold,
It seemed as though the hand of god placed it there,
But with time it changed,
Dark clouds roamed by,
And snatched it away,
Stole what was my everything,
I was robbed of the treasure,
Love was taken from me,
And I don't know where it went.

I get lost
Sometimes

Lost in you
The desperaity

Begging me
To stay close

I get lost
In myself

It's truest desires
It's sanity

Which loves to slip away
While I sit here

Wondering why
How

I got so lost

At least I know one place
You can find me

Happy and sane
Safely in his arms.

I thought about you
Just last night
And how we made love
One last time
And the way you wanted me
Had to have me
Like suddenly
Your ****** desires
Had been awakened
I remember the way you licked me
Like you were sorry you hadn't
For all those months
Like your tongue was spelling
Sorry into my skin
If I had known
That would be my last kiss
From you or anyone
I wouldve asked you
To swallow the ham sandwich
Just a little better
Or for you to kiss me
Just a little longer
Had I known
Or had I believed
The look in your eyes
We would still be
But alas I had finally learned
No matter how much you
Say you love me
You will still leave me
You will still
Say I'm not quite good enough
Had I known that I would never
See you again
I still would've held you closer
And rubbed your back
Or run my fingers through your hair
I would've begged for you to accept me
To just love me
But I was shattered when we made love
That's why I cried after
Because I knew
Deep down
I knew
I would lose
The one man I loved
Forever
I knew he would never
Hold me again
As I nestled my body into him
I just,
I knew.

Every single
Solitary moment
Standing in
The cold
0 below
Is worth it
As long
As I have you
To Hug
To Kiss
For your love
Will keep me warm.

My insides are twisted
My heart says find a way
Figure it out and be his
And my mind goes
Tsk tsk tsk
Telling me to feel
Only anger and spite
Neither is the right option
So I'm at a standstill
I'm in love with a man
Who's still dicatated like a boy
I'm torn between fighting for
And just giving up on
I can't be the only one fighting
Not anymore
My aching heart cries out
And I silence it
With a stray hug
But no one can fix me