You put up your battle shield
Pretended nothing hurt
But I could see the pain in your eyes
Why'd you bother getting high for me?
Did I sever something I thought did not exist?
Our war is a unsettled love
And even when we keep apart
They see
Some pair us
Because they see
The way I look at you
And the way you look at me
A deep pain we avoid
We could have been something
Should have been everything
Would have been perfect
But you were silent of your hearts yearning
And I was too afraid
And I ran
Now all we seem to be are strangers
But we know
The world knows
Even the imbeciles of this Earth can see it
Our eyes scream love and heart break
Even if we speak of hate and ignorance.

I like to
Play
Games
With my head
I like to ask
Questions
Like
What if
Destiny
brought us together
What if it was God
Could it both
Was it?
I get so lost
In this mind
Asking unanswerable
Questions.

It wasn't  because
I found you attractive
It wasn't  because I found
You mentally desirable
Or because I found you
Sexually Wonderous
Its not due to the fact
That your kind and funny
I didn't know any of that at first
I loved you
Because the first time
You looked me in the eyes
My heart skipped a beat
And I just knew
You were the one
I'd spend the rest of my life with.

Escape,

I have to break free of these chains,

Urges,

They override me periodically,

Need,

Just need a kiss,lips to smash against mine,

Want,

I want love even though it never wants me,

Forget,

I desire love so I can forget,

Forget the pain,
Forget the lonely days,
Forget everything.

Winter is hard
Because I see you in the sunrise,
I see you in the sunset,
And in the snow,
I feel you when I put my hoodie on
When I walk in snow
To nowhere special
I miss you when the bed gets cold
And I can hear you
Telling me to turn off the heat
I can feel you coming to hold my hand
Because I'm cold
And you never are
I taste you in the coffee you made me like
I taste you in the tears I shed
I hate Winter
Because you're not here for it.

When she lost you
Once and for all
She somehow lost her future

She's digging in the ruins
Of a once bright future

She doesn't have any dreams now
And her only aspiration
Could never support her

When she lost you
Her whole world started to change
As it always did at your absence

She aches and she cannot express it
She internalizes the pain

She cries in the car
So no one sees

She cries in the shower
So no one hears

She is nothing
Not because she has lost you
But because she cannot stop
Missing you

She has no one to hold her
No one to love her

She is a ghost of who she once was
The shadow that never got filled in.

Your dicatated everyday
They tell you what to do
What to believe
What not to believe
They tell you how to act
And they tell you who
You can see
Or speak to and whom
You may not
You never had that with me
I tried to make you free
To open your eyes to new possibilities
I hope one day
You'll be free
Without them guiding you
I hope one day
Your eyes will open
And instead of being molded
To suit them you'll mold yourself
Into who you want to be
And I hope you see
That I loved you
For the person you were
Not someone I wanted you to be.

Sleep would be
Sweet

But to sleep beside you
Sweeter.

Joshua, I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna save and make a life for myself. I'm gonna travel to Canada and maybe down south and find a man with a accent that makes me smile every time he calls me beautiful. I'm gonna make mistakes and I'm gonna learn to forgive myself for them. I'm gonna accept that I will always love you. But more than that I will accept that you will​ never love me back. I will accept the heartbreak and the pain because it's in the past now. And yes I will cry myself to sleep sometimes and I know I'll be lonely sometimes but I will learn to love myself. I will learn to smile more. I will learn to trust again. I want to be happy. I want to live my life even on the days I say I want to die. I will accept what does or does not happen and I will be happy with whatever life gives me. I'm always going to forgive but I will never forget. I hope you're happy. I hope you get to smile every day for the rest of your life. I hope you find a love as strong as the one I feel for you. I hope you get everything you want from life. I hope one day you see just how amazing you are even if you're not always perfect you were perfect to me. And you'll be perfect for the girl you end up with. Live your life the way you want Joshua. Never let anyone or anything hold you back from what you want. I've done that for too long and I won't anymore. Thank you. Thank you for being my first kiss. My first love. My first lover. My friend. Thank you for showing me true happiness even if it showed me true pain too. Thank you for being you, crazy, amazing you. Maybe in another life you could have chosen me. Maybe. A girl can always dream.

I wish
I could
Save you
Because
You deserve
To be
Happy.

There are moments
In the abyss of life
That you just want
To give up and quit it all

When it feels like
Nothing will ever work
Not for us

These moments come
Sporadically
Without realizing it
They emerge to sink your heart

You feel weak
But you hold on
Because
****** you're a dreamer
You're a hoper

And though it hurts
And although it looks bad

You hold on
Because you hope one day

You'll never have to feel that way again.

Someone asked if I miss you
I said no

Then cried my eyes out

Because I do miss you

Because even when we were crashing

Crashing down like

Falling stars

You would hold me

And tell me

Even though

You were leaving me

You loved me

Because somehow

You were always able

To break my heart

And kiss it better all at once.

God
Has yet to
Teach me
His words
Or whether they be true
God as a child was
Not real
But I grew to need him
While alone in this cruel life
Yet he has not spoken to me
Only answered
Prayer after prayer
And for that I am thankful
But how am I to know
The kind of life he wants me to lead
If he does not allow
My soul to believe
The possible lies of his disciples
How am I suppose to make sure
I'm on the right track
When I already feel as though
I'm falling off before it begins.

I've been waiting

To come home

And I'm delighted

To say

I'm almost there.

In the pit of me I knew it would end.

These chains
They hold me down
They're keeping me away
From you
Everything that
My life needs
Is out there
Away from these
Walls
That hold me back
I wait anxiously
For the metal to rust
And break
So I am freed
And my soul
Can once again feel alive.

If I let myself realize it I know I'll BREAK.

Hidden deep
In the wounds
That have now
Healed over and scarred
Are the deepest truths a person may know
There lie the deepest parts of me
That I may never show again
For my wounds are no longer
Bleeding the crimson red truth ooze
I am now a healed person
Scarred for all of the life that I will live
But no longer leaking
No longer letting the past
The hidden life I've lived seep out
I have remained
And I will not return
That wound is healed
It's healed
And it shall not be reopened
I will keep the monsters in me caged
The truth
The history of me
Will remain inside
Locked away
For the rest of my days
But the fear of it's release stays
For you never know when
Your gonna get cut
You never know
When your gonna be attacked.

Even if it's yourself attacking.

I'm ashamed to say
That when I dream
And on the rare
Occasion
That I see
My dream self
I see what I wish to be
Thin and beautiful
Living up to the worlds standards
It sickens me
Because that person will never be me
I don't want to want to be her
And yet in dreams
I tend to become her anyway.

Know right here
And right now
I would
NEVER
Risk all we have
I wouldn't
Put our love
Our future
Our life
On the line
For a friend
With a pesky crush.

My heart is confused it doesn't know who to choose it wants a little part of each of them but it simply must decide to whom it belongs but it wants a little part of each of them to hold onto forever and always but what it doesn't see is that one day they'll all give up on wanting it and one day my heart will be alone all over again just like it was before they came along.

You are the black leather jacket left behind

Like the jacket
I have known you nearly 8 years
It has a rough surface
To protect itself from damage
But inside it's cushioned a bit
The color itself reminds me of your hair
And it's zipper represents the secrets you always kept
You left that jacket
Just like you left me

How could you let go of something
After holding onto it for 8 years

How could you not even care?

I knew
This Christmas
Would be missing
Something
Once all
The gifts
Unwrapped
Spewed
All over
I realized
The usual
Excitement
From previous years
Didn't exist
Because all
Those Christmas
Mornings
I had gifts
To make
Me happy
Its what I needed
For they temporarily
Filled the void in me
But this year
My void goes unfilled
Because you
Are not here
And you
Are the strength to go on
Usually you keep
My weak soul
Hanging on
I hope I see you soon
This void of mine
Misses you
I miss you.

I love the irony

You  hating

Me

Yet still

My name

It spews from your mouth

Full of mad lies

As though you've even said a word to me

I laugh as you try

Not to look at me

Yet our eyes briefly meet

I love

How you hate me

Because I know

It wasn't always that way.

Where ever you are, I need you right now. I need you to find me already. I'm sitting here in a puddle of my own tears, and I could use a hug and kiss. You would know just what to do. You would break out a science fiction movie or series and sit me down with some nuts and berries. You would let me lay on your shoulder and look up at you with amazement. I don't know where you are but I believe in you. I believe you exist, and that you belong here with me, I think I need you more than words can say. My heart has so much love to give and no one wants it, no one will love me baby, so where are you to change that. You'll sing the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, and love my cats, you'll play board games, and video games, and make sure to let me win every once in a while because you don't want me to get mad at you. You will let me teach you card games, and you'll kiss me passionately, we will always make love, and we'll always solve fights together. You will always let me be the little spoon, and play with your beard or your Adam's apple. You'll always tell me you love me. I know you're out there, and I miss you right now. You will never comment on my lifestyle choices and if you must you will refer to me only as fluffy. On my bad days, you'll hold me and let me cry into you, and I'll let you do the same on your bad days. We will both be a little crazy. You will be willing to go to my favorite towns as mini vacations. You will believe in marriage, and want to be a father one day, just as I hope to be a mother one day. You will always understand why I like superman more than batman, and you will never make fun of my belief of bigfoot or aliens. You will smile at me and I will smile back. Baby, I know you're out there, and I will find you. I love you already.

She fell into him
And he grabbed her
Held her by the hips
Looked her in the eyes
And kissed her

She kissed him back
Her heart fluttering

Her soul taking off on possibilities

He pulled away,
Chuckled at her rosy cheeks

Thinking it was one of the things
That he adored about her

He wanted to be hers

She smiled
And looked him in the eyes
For the very first time

He looked back

And finally they saw

All their lives
They have been waiting
For a person

To make them feel this way
Effortlessly.

I don't even get
An answer
You left me,
Left me with
Heartless words
And a broken heart
That's all I know

I was left with damp dreams
That disappear in my hands
All I have now are my tears
And cconstant reminders,
Each moment is agonizing.

He proposed

I said yes

And now

We're engaged.

Now
I whisper
Goodnight
To my little
Piece of sunshine.

Nothing in my life is alright,
I still cry at night,
I'm scared with such fright,
This doesn't feel right...Lying here without you tonight

Dear knife,
It's been three years since I've held you
And felt you on my skin
But please know
I'm still thinking of you
Of the bittersweet feeling
Of holding you
Feeling you slice into me
It's been a long time now
But I still want to pull you out
Of your neatly kempt drawer
And have you just one more time.

It lived in my chest,
Ravished me in it's embrace,
It warmed me when I was cold,
It seemed as though the hand of god placed it there,
But with time it changed,
Dark clouds roamed by,
And snatched it away,
Stole what was my everything,
I was robbed of the treasure,
Love was taken from me,
And I don't know where it went.