Here I am
With weakness
Rotting the body
Tears streaming
Aching heart
Memories
Of all my mistakes
All the regrets
Piling on
The things I cannot have
Here I am
With nothing
But the failures
Surrounding what's left of me.

Somewhere between our love,
Grew hate,
You gave up on me,
On us and all that could have been,
I held on,
I believed in us,
Unlike you I had dreams,
Forever seemed definite,
Back then I wanted no one like I wanted you,
You quit when things got tough,
Even when you did I tried to pretend otherwise,
I stuck up for you,for me and for all that we were,
They put us down
And each day I fought to bring us up,
My love was stronger than anything I've ever known,
But that was then,
And now I'd rather be chopped into pieces
Than to see your face,
Hear your voice or name,
I'd rather be attacked by venomous spiders
Than spend another moment regretting what was.

Now someone else will "be"

I need you too
When your away
I crave you most
The undeniable urge
To lie my head
On your chest like
I once did on
That bus ride home
I miss you even now
I wish you were here
So I could fold my body
Into yours
Or lace our fingers
So that we are just a
Little closer
I wish I could fall
Asleep beside your
Beating heart warming mine
I Want you
To let me just be yours
Happily and forever.

Every time
Those words are
Spoken
There's a tingle
In the pit of me
Those words so
Glorious
That my
Soul
is
Completely
Overjoyed.

This feeling
It lies
Somewhere in between
Filling me
Or is or just complete emptiness
It itches at me
While summons questions
It's hard to figure out the difference
Between reality and dreams
Or shall I refer to them as "nightmares"
Because each time I wake from them
My chest is heavy
And I feel the tears forming
People don't comprehend this
And nor do I
I can't tell if it's
The depression rising again
Or maybe it's the memories
That I burned
Coming back
Maybe it's me losing
Every bit of strength
I Thought I Had.

I was engaged at fifteen
and believed I would live my life
Happier than my wildest dreams
I am now nineteen
He left me
I am not happy
I am alone
I have nothing going
I have to remind myself
How much changes in time
I may be broken now
But maybe one day
I can be as happy as I was
At fifteen
With a ring around my neck and hand in mine
As we skipped school
To celebrate a love
We believed was forever.

I wish you'd stop
But it's not in your nature
You worry
And can't forget
Yes
You left me
And my aching soul reached out for you
When the call went unanswered
My body exploded
Couldn't turn away
For the pain was pleasure
And the pleasure
Complete agony
I changed
Yes
But I was altered
So that I could live
If I did not change
I would've committed suicide
Then I'd surely have gone to hell
You went away
And that's okay
Because your mine once again
And I hope for the rest of our days.

You changed me
Made a smile grow
Helped a heart learn love
Taught me how good a kiss could be
Showed me we could have a future

You changed me
Made laughter become cries
Helped a heart learn how to break
Taught me a kiss can end badly
Showed me I was just a memory.

While
Home
Breaks
Me
You
Keep
Me
Complete
For
You
Are
The
Home
Fo­r
My
Soul.

I.** The day I realized
That you were out there
Almost within my reach again

II. The day you proposed
And we ditched school to
Celebrate

III. The day we first kissed
And my heart jumped so hard
In my chest that I actually jumped

IV. The day we went to Newport
And I cried because my love
Overwhelmed me with my desire
To one day be your wife

V. The last day we had together,
Despite the ending it was still
My favorite birthday because I had you,
My favorite person in one of mt favorite places

VI. The day we spent in Warren
And it was nearly 100° and we
Had like three dollars that we spent
On candy and freshly made soda

VII. The day we first made love
Nervous and new and yet still
So worth while

VIII. The day we bunked
And you told me you loved me
For the first time in our relationship
And my heart broke free from my chains
And I said that I loved you too

IX. The day we met to kiss
After so long and we talked for
An hour instead before I finally kissed you
And the magic of your lips once again
Made my heart flutter

X. The day, just any day
That we spent at home together
Laying in bed, cuddled up
And made love and cooked
And watched TV together
And we were free and we,
We were happy.

In the night I am cold and alone,Lying awake in my bed wishing your warm body was next to mine to keep me company...

I will admit
Here and now
That his touch
It leaves me
On cloud nine
My body sore
From such pleasure
Yet that is not all
Not all that I love
Believe me please
I love him
For that fumble
That happens
When he says he loves me
I love him
For the way he makes me smile
The way he makes me laugh
The way I can read him
And he can see everything
Beneath my surface
I love him
For the light kisses
And the rough ones
I love him
For his kindness
His care
I love him
Because I always knew I would
My heart
It's been his
Since the day he
First looked me in the eyes.

I still wonder
How did it look from the outside in?
Am I depicted as a ***** or a victim?
I pushed away your body
Said "No" between a lot of kisses
Left the room half a dozen times
Yet with each return seemed your pleasure didn't suffer
You did this and that
And I realized you weren't leaving
So was my submission my ending?
I lied down in that bed
And continued with
What was my final regret
That day
All I needed
Was my bed back
My sanctuary
When I invited you over
I thought we'd play games
But the only one playing was you
Your girl never talked to me again
At least I told her the truth
Even if I never could explain
The hate that I felt the whole time
I never blamed you
So even now
A year or so later
I still wonder
Who Did They See When They Knew?

I would've stayed
Standing and whispering
Hoping my tales of life
Wouldn't worry you too much
If there weren't others
Watching me as I awkwardly stared
I would've stayed
And told you
That each day is up and down
That I might get a happy ending
If I work hard enough
If there wasn't so much snow
I would've sat there
And talked about what life
Could have been like
If we were still together
Laughing and arguing
Being wild together
But you have molded a part of who I am
I wish I could have stayed
Because I miss you.

A shadow
Of someone
A silent walker
Movements
Seen from below
Body and soul
Strectched out
Breaking apart
Yet remaining whole
No longer human
Not able to contain
Emotions
Or any mental capacity
So empty
Incomplete
Always mssing
It's true inhabitor,
It's true self.

While my body
Grips on tight
My strained mind
Tries to slip away
Everyday
Is so hard to bare
Especially without you
Yet in my struggle for
Happiness
I find that I am even more dependent
And that you aren't nearly
So I sit alone tonight
Molding a purple heart
Wanting to smash it
Hoping something
Anything in me
Would come together
If I break it
The still harsh reality is that
I don't like to break hearts
So I'll keep it
Hold it
Make a wish upon it
For clarity in all my chaos
And I shall put it safely away
Hoping it's safety will somehow
Save me and my sanity.

You've been gone only a day
And it feels like weeks
I miss you
miss lying in your arms
And the way you kiss my forehead
I miss the feeling of waking up to you
I cannot bare the distance
My heart aches
its trying to fight its way out
my heart is trying to find you
Reach you through the distance
I miss you baby and these words
They've become gibberish
I used to be so good at speaking
When I was sad
But after the gift of you happiness
Became what I was use to.
Now what am I to do
Without any words worth saying
without you.

I thought you wanted to wake up
Beside me one day to see my hair
All askew and laugh as I say
Well here's Medusa
I thought you wanted to
Live with me
And make love wildly
I thought you wanted to live
With our cats
And smile as we called each other
Mommy and daddy
I thought we were gonna sign papers
Saying we were legally wed
Me in a white dress with red petals and flowers
And you in your casual tuxedo
I thought one day I'd get to see you actually
Wear a tuxedo
I thought that's what you wanted
I thought you wanted me
My craziness
My love
My laughter and smile
My passion
I know I wanted you,
Your laugh and smile
Your happiness
You in your infinitely silly self
I accepted you
Craziness and all
And I thought one day
My love would triumph
And you'd accept me
But the world comes crashing
And I suppose you let your dreams slip away
While I sit incomplete wishing still,
For them all to come true.

Just stab me in the heart,
Take away the pain that's all to real,
Alone is how I feel,
Saying you love her instead,
You leaving me for dead,
What did I do to turn you away?
How can I make you stay?
I'm sick of being empty and alone,
If only you had a loving clone,
But since you don't I'm left in tears,
I remember when this reality was only fears,
Now look how how it had to end,
I guess even for me you couldn't play pretend,
So you went and broke me,
Still in my dreamland I think of what we could be,
I still love you and it's clear to see,
But maybe this wasn't our happily ever after,
I should've known by the lack of your laughter,
I just had so much hope,
Now me and my broken heart will have to learn how to cope,
Now it's over and I'm the one left in this hell,
The one you'll soon know well.

I am from the shimmer in your eyes
From the desire in your soul
I am made up of our love
Held together by every breath-taking moment
I am from that kiss
That always makes me smile
I was never truly alive
Not until the day I met you
Before that day
I was a drone
Never living life as I should
Nothing mattered before you
I was hopelessly lost
And when you found me
I knew where I was heading
I knew what I wanted life to be
So I am from your laughter
That fills my heart
I am from your hugs
That wrap me in a warm embrace
I am from your breath
And your heartbeat
I am from our undying love
That will go on until the end of time.

I hate
Our time
Away
And I
Can't wait
For the day
When you
And I
Can come home
And find the other.

Do me a favor
Think of our child
Don't you want 'em
To be strong
And stick up
For what they believe
Don't you want them
To have a choice
In what they believe in
Because they might
Just hate you if you pressure them
Like you are me
Don't you want them
To be happy
To love you
To exist?

Today
I'll admit
That my pride
Was swept aside
For a moment
As I read my
Old thoughts of you
The tears nearly
Spilling over
I thought about you
How we lost a friendship
In its first stages
I thought about your dimples
And how I almost
Miss you
But we cannot fix these wounds
And forever we lost
Something
A something that
For you meant so little
You and your shameful shame
Yes hushboy this is about you
And how you changed
All for the worse
At least this time when I fell
I finally had someone to catch me
So thank you
For helping me give
Someone else a chance
I guess even a hatred
Can bring something loving
And good into someones life
Hate helps us find comfort in
The arms of our true loved ones.

I wonder
If they'll
Scar
I almost
Want them
To.

Bad days with some tears is the way to go,
Not with fear,
Not with a knife,
Because right now I just wanna live life,
And with my will to fight,
I'll live on even if the light isn't always shining bright,
I will try and even when I fail,
I'll have a new tale,
Of my new power,
My face may be sour,
But at least I know I'm strong,
Though I waited long,
It was worth it in the end,
This completion I can't pretend,
So this real,
This is really how good I feel...

When she drives by old places the two of you use to visit
She slows down just to stare a little longer,
Ignoring all other vehicles
Because you are more important
Because you always were
She put you first so many times
You put her second and third and
Sometimes she wondered if she mattered at all
So sometimes she cries herself to sleep
Not out of anger or frustration or even loneliness
But because of how long it has been since she has been held
Because it has been so **** long
Since a kiss has made her feel her heart in her toes
Sometimes she misses you
Not because she has no one else
But because she knows there will never be anyone else
You were her every wish and prayer come true
As selfish and terrible as it may seem
She wanted you
Just you, in any way you would take her
You were her entire world and the worst part
Is that you still show up in her dreams.

I get scared
Because your so
Attractive and I
Am just a girl
Guys have only
Taken interest
To use me
And I'm scared sometimes
That you'll want
To leave me
But I guess we both
Have some fears
Mine more realistic
Because your
Unique perfection
And I'm a mess
I ramble
And I rant
Losing myself
In life
And you seem
Stronger
Like your tethered
And torn soul
Can handle so much more
Than my worn one
I love you
And I want to forever
To be yours
But I get scared
Because I don't know
What you see
In a girl like me.

The Girl Who Had Fears,
Ended In Tears,
Her Heart Was Torn Apart
By The Boy That She Loved From The Start,
The Pain Made Her Weak,
It Made Her Future Bleak,
She Tried To Pretend It Didn't End,
She Put On A Smile And Tried To Act Strong,
But Eventually Her Face Grew Long,
She Couldn't Hold Back Her Cries,
She's Constantly Reminded Of All Their Tries,
The Love That Died,
After She Discovered He Had Lied,
He Never Loved Her,
The Memories All Blur,
She Is So Unsure,
After All The Pain She's Endured,
She Wonders If She'll Ever Again Feel Secure,
Will She Ever Love,Will She Ever Trust,
Her Heart May Combust,
She Can't Take The Pain From Her Heart That Was Just Slain,
Love Made Her Go Insane,
She May Never Be The Same,
All Because She Played Into His Game.

I am the evil that will rot your brain,
The false sense of comfort,
The strange shadow that follow in your tracks,
I am the water trying to drown you,
The carbon monoxide trying to suffocate you,
I am the heart beating within your chest,
I am guilty,
I am everywhere and nowhere,
But I Am Nothing.

If this
Is a test
I quit,
You won,
I'm weak.