I miss you
The cuddles
The video games

You hooked me on cherries and jerky
But I don't really eat that stuff anymore

It makes me miss the night when we stayed up
Playing video games
Watching Tv
And stuffing our faces
With cherries and kettle corn

I miss you
Your kiss
Your hug
Your eyes

I miss the moments
In-between all the wrong ones
Because they were perfect.

Won't you come and comfort me
Make it all better
As every bit of me aches
I cannot take this
Being put down
Degraded and made to
Feel so much less than worthy
How am I suppose to live now
Without my sunshine
How am I to live when my dreams are fading away
Dying
I don't wanna give up yet.

Fulfill these desires,
Take advantage of my lust,
I need you,
Need you here and need you now,
My body,
It Aches for you,
These lips upon my face they desire yours to rhythmically move against them,
I will beg on my knees if I must,
But I need you,
Need you close to me,
I need your body close warming mine,
The darkness lived in our hearts but once we're reunited,
The light will shine through once more,
So please let my dreams,
Let my desires,
All become reality,
Just Be,
Be Mine.

I admit that my life
Is still an absolute disaster
But to think of all I've endured
And where I've reached
I can say I'm proud
I'm proud that
It's been almost one year
Since I last cut
And I'm proud
That I no longer
Have dependency on a therapist
And well now I can sleep in Saturdays
And I'm happy I'm his forever
And I'm proud we've been together
For this long
I'm stressed
And nothing is ever perfect
Because life is not
Perfect
And it never will be
But as of now
I'm okay
I'm happy even
And sure
I've been crying again
But being a teenager
And a female
Gives me the right to break down
When stressed and
I know
Change is coming
And coming fast
But I'll take it best I can
And try to make things
Work out in my favor
I'm not who I use to be
And that makes me proud
I'm someone who smiles
And can laugh
I can breathe without
A broken heart
Or a weight on my shoulders
And despite my responsibilities
I'll survive where I am
You see I finally have something to be
Proud of
Life
My life and how I've grown
How I try
Each and every day
I try my hardest
And no one can tell me I don't
Because when I wake up
I know my heart found its
Keeper
And with him
Everything else has finally
Begun to fall into place
And if it takes some time and effort
I'll make sure
Everything ends up okay
I won't go back
Not **EVER.

Maybe it's all the ****
You smoke and sell
That made you go
From the boy who
Laughed with me
Talked to me
And cared for me
To the boy who
Laughs at me
Talks about me
And doesn't care if I live or die
I blame the **** for
Killing the sweetness
And replacing you
With your evil side.

You brighten

Each day

For that

I love you

Even more.

Tarot cards
Predict the
Things you subconsciously
Know
And yet
You remain intact
Darkness dare not enter
If you don't allow.

This year marks the fifth year that I've known you. I've loved you for four and a half years now. We met out of instinct and pure luck. You walked up to me that day and just randomly asked me to be your friend. I instantly felt my heart jump when you spoke. I tried to tell you what I already knew. That I'd love you and I'd never stop but you already made up both our minds. We became best friends. I can't even remember how it happened, it all went down so fast. The next thing I knew we walked together. I remember that I did it on purpose. I walked the longest way home so that I could spend more time with you. We were so young and all these emotions erupted. I fell. I was denying my feelings for days and on New Years when I looked outside the window and saw those fireworks I had my first daydream of kissing someone. Of kissing you. It was then I knew that I was so madly in love with you. I couldn't keep it hidden. Everyone knew. You knew. You teased me. Two or three times you asked me out and just passed it off as a joke. I didn't give up. You asked for real though. But you changed your mind. Not too long after you dated my friend. Courtesy of me. I wanted you to be happy. I thought she would do that for you. I loved you so much that I let you have what I thought you wanted. Her. It lasted under a month. It's my fault it ended. Or that's how it's always felt. Then we dated for a month. Without a hug, without a kiss and then one day it ended. You ended it. I remember being angry and absolutely devastated. You watched as I tore all the love poems I had written. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I always tried to erase everything.  We never did stop being friends though. You told me you were going away that summer. I thought you meant forever. That summer was absolute hell. I remember sitting on my couch staring at the sky just crying. Just hurting. Wishing you'd come back for me. I cut for the first time. I don't know how it came to mind but I know I picked up that blade and I scratched and scratched at my shoulder until it stung. When we got back I thought I would survive. Move on with my life and put all my love away. Then you walked into the room. I cried. It was the first time I cried because I was happy. I had you and that's what I needed. We stayed friends but it didn't matter as long as you were there. I ached for you. Ached to say you were mine and that you loved me but it was too soon. We were too young. I was so nervous that first time you hugged me, I screamed. It use to tickle my heart. It made me smile though. Ear to ear. I did that every time until that day that you asked me out again. I ran to hug you screaming that I loved you. I couldn't stop giggling. I was so happy. I was yours again. I had a chance. Two days after that we kissed. I jumped back when I felt your tongue. It was our first kiss, ever. It was drizzling and when I jumped back you moved in and just kissed me and it was perfect. It was a dream come true. We kissed again once again a few days after. When we left you looked back at me and I looked back at you and I smiled. You didn't. I didn't see you again for a year. I heard from you once. You told me you loved me for the first time ever. You had forgiven my mistakes. You wanted me still and I still needed you. That call it came again and again and one day you just stopped. You had faded from my life again. I was in so much pain. I cut so much when you were away. When I saw you again. I couldn't do it anymore. I buried my feelings and tried to hate you. Your eyes still pierced me. I missed you but I wasn't be hurt anymore. You dated my friend. It hurt so bad. I just pretended. I threw out all the stuff from the years that I had known you. The outfit from our kiss. The hundreds and hundreds of poems. I threw away everything. I wanted to go. To run. I felt so alone. Nothing could make it go away. Then you and her ended and my soul felt such relief. I talked to a few months later. You kept apologizing.  We talked again. I laughed and I smiled. We talked about our miserable relationships. Then one day we were just both single and you told me your feelings were coming back. I got scared. I tried to change the subject. We met though. One day. It had been the first I had seen you without hate, without pain, with hope. With happy memories flooding back I met you. We talked awkwardly and then I kissed you. You were so confused and surprised. Then you kissed me. You asked me out. Here are. You proposing three months later. Us making love. Me, falling in love all over again and letting it happen. Letting myself become vulnerable for you because I always knew. It was always you. If we changed we changed together no matter the distance. If we broke we broke together. Our differences make things fun and controversial. It gives us a future to look towards. You and I want the same things. Each other. Marriage. Maybe a child. Happiness together. We have been through so much in our time together. Everything happened the way it did so we'd end up together the way we were suppose to be. I love you. I always will.

I don't
Feel like
Doing this
Anymore
I simply
Can't handle
It all
Not anymore.

I know this crush can't be anything more,
But when I look at you I see you look at me,
It sends chills down my spine and all I can do Is smile.

I know this crush is kinda new,
But the moment I met you I thought about how cute you were,
and just today I thought about how nice your lips were,
I wondered how they'd feel against mine,
The thought made me smile and laugh,
It made me happy.

I know this crush has just grown
But when your sitting next to me my hands grow shaky,
The words I'm trying to write come out so sloppy,
Your copying my words down though,
I find it amazing you can read it,
I know I barely can.

I know I barely know you
But when I was having my own little freak out,
You tried to make it better,
We're not even real friends,
But you can still make me smile and still make me laugh,
All you have to do is be in the same room,
This crush,
If that's what I'm suppose to call it,
Why won't it go away,
It just stays,
And it scares me,
because my heart is aching less,
and my mind seems to have your name roaming wildly.

Your kiss
Like the smell
Of dewy grass
Telling me something
Wonderful as arrived
And your passion
Like wearing flip flops
And running through it
Wet and slippery
Yet so comfortable
All just so serene
And absolutely perfect.

Tears
Were
Almost
Pouring
From
My
Eyes
And
I
Do
Not
Know
Why.

The moment you entered the room
I felt a pull
My eyes couldn't be removed
I had a connection with you
Didn't know then all you'd mean
Each day we'd stare
Sometimes smile
Always getting closer
So close my skin warmed
From the heat radiating from you
But the world
Broke through our perfection
And slowly we broke apart
You distanced yourself
Broke my barely whole heart
I'll never forget
I'll never give up
Because I realize now
I loved you all along.

Temporarily giving up on love,
More like giving up on loving you,
Look at these scars all over my body,
They weren't there before I met you,
Now look at me,
Weak and lonely,
I just want to love and be loved,
But In this world,
For a girl like me,
It's never gonna happen,
So many liars,
So many cheaters,
So many scared of commitment,
So many people in this world,
And I guarantee not one was made for me.

I'll try to act strong when you look my way,
I'll try to act strong when I know nothing is okay,
I'll try to act strong so you won't see me cry,
I'll try to act strong so The days quickly pass by,
I'll try to act strong when you fall for another,
I'll try to act strong and say there is some other,
I'll try act strong when you talk to me,
I'll try to act strong and only dream of what could be,
I'll try to act strong and try to forget loving you,
I'll try to act strong and maybe try shoving you,
I'll try to act strong to make the pain fade away,
But still the dark days seem to stay.

Tomorrow
I promise
To crawl into
Your arms
And just hold
On tight
But as for now
I must rest for the night.

My intense desire
Was the thing
That once broke me
And now
It keeps
Safely with you.

Just hold me
Close
Hold me tight
And please
Don't let go.

Life
Will always
Seek it's
Revenge

For all of
Your
Wrong
Doings.

Don't go
Please don't leave me
Not again
Baby I love you
Doesn't that count for something
I'll change
Just stay
You mean to much
I need you
Wait for me
Stay here and close
It'll hurt to much
I can't say good-bye
I can't let go
My heart won't heal
I'll never love again

As children,
Some Girls Dream of being a princess,
I would dream of being a Vet,
Some girls would dream of living in a castle,
I would dream of living in a House,
Some girls dream of being a mommy,
I would dream of being a wife,
As children some boys would dream of saving people from fires,
As a child I would dream of saving animals from illness,
As children some boys played video games,
I would dream of making the video games,
As children some boys dream of a care-free life,
I would dream of a carefully planned,happy life,with every detailed just how I wanted,
As a child,I was unlike any other,
I fit in better with adults than the other kids,
I was a dreamer an my hopes were always high,
I'm glad to see that hasn't changed.

I have not cut into my skin
In three long years
I didn't need to feel the pain
When I had your words
Your cruel words
Carving into my skin

In between bliss
Stood the cold heartbreak

The words that will always haunt me

The looks that will always shatter

No I do not need a knife

I have your words to slice through me.

I have noticed
That whenever
I'm his and he's mine
There is a feeling
Of joy and completion
I can't help but
Miss him the moments
We spend apart
Always thinking
Of his amazing
Everything
And cant help but
Want to tell the
Whole world
How happy he makes me.

You
Asked me
To be yours
Forever
And with
A flutter
In my heart
And a smile
On my face


I said yes.

Distance
Aching heart
Pleading lips
Untouched hips
Begging to just be held
In those sweet arms
I envy those who get
To see those eyes
And my favorite scar
The butterflies
Came back to me one night
And have since been fluttering
Trying to be freed
They too wish for you back
To calm their impatience
I whisper each night
To assure that I never lose faith
Because it's all I have without you
Faith to see you
That our love will once again
CLASH
With ecstacy and joy
To simply be reunited
In your arms
With those lips
Would surely cure all and any
Of my ailments.

I hope this *****
Is talking to herself
Because I wanna punch
Her in the ******* face
Or at least cuss her out.

Indulging in thoughts
The ******* feeling
Filling me
Sending me into oblivion
Panting and moaning
As I think of us
Our hot bodies colliding
Your emerged in me
Devouring anything you can
And I lavish in this
The feeling
Of our bodies entwined
And as we finish
I know this will never end
Our Love Is Eternal.

The day to day,
The fake smile imprinted on,
The bare minimum,
Searching for true human contact,
An easy target to cruelty,
The first one to be put down,
Easy to hurt,
Hard to fix,
The one who is used,
Never good enough to keep,
A current moment to become a blurred memory,
The weird outcast in society,
An original copy,
No one listens,
No one sees,
No one understands.

I wish I could erase
Those days fawning over him
Just so I could say
I have only ever loved you
But I must be harsh
To be honest
And that is what you ask
So I did once love a boy
Long after you left
Because he stopped tears
And had nice dimples
He was so different from you
I knew nothing of him really
But was enticed
Intrigued
So lonely and lustful
My infatuation
Morphed into a mutated love
But now I wish to erase him
Erase the eyes
Dimples
Erase the tears he saved me from
Erase everything
Except how I still mentioned your name
To him
All the time
Because the truth is
You were my first love
And that
Is unforgettable.

Got straight A's and mommy still ain't proud
Yelling still comes from her lips
Into the ears of her daughter
With her too wide hips
Which mommy tries to alter
And her poor daughter just falters
She's a good girl now but mommy doesn't care
Because mommy isn't fair
Mommy has an angel who's untouchable
And mommy blaming her daughter is unstoppable
His troubles become hers
For she lives mostly to serve
Her screams and cries go unheard
He gets candy for being bad
While she gets scolded for being sad
Attempting to teach right and wrong
But mommy puts her efforts down
And her own daughter struggles to be strong
But mommy is blind
And her daughter utterly confined
Over the years she lost her patience
And is waiting to say good riddance
Mommy pushes away
While the daughter hopes to fix things and stay
Mommy makes her daughter cry
And she doesn't understand why
Mommy didn't give her daughter a daddy
Mommy gets angry and calls her daughter fatty
Mommy has a saint
And daughter tries to voice her complaints
Mommy and aunty gave daughter a child
That child is much too wild
No boundaries or rules apply
And daughter sits by
Hoping she no longer must comply
Hoping soon she can wave goodbye.

For all the imperfections that create this being
There is another scar you'll never see
The horror of myself in weakness
Will not be often;
No, for all that I reveal is my insanity
For my weakness is burrowed deep
And it will not emerge again
My imperfections may make me
But they will not change my already injured soul
I know the world is cruel
So judgemental and materialistic
But me
I still worship personality, a caring soul
Who see's goodness and ravishes it
Still I only want another person
Who the world considers imperfect
So that together
Our imperfections
Seem so miniscule
So pointless
We'll be happy because
In each others eyes
We're just
Perfect.

Let me live in my own little Dreamland.I've Recreated it.I love dreamland because when darkness looms around me I can imagine a better world.Just like I always wanted.Your always there.But I think I'm starting to come to the realization you don't belong in dreamland any longer.But then what joy will I have?That's why I hold on because the memories keep me smiling even if its only a Dream.A Dream of You...</3

I think I've realized the more poems I write about someone the more toxic they are to me

Here's number 25 for you

I suppose that pales in comparison to the thousands I wrote for my first love but I've known you a lot less time

And you've never even been mine

And that's okay

Because at this rate

You never will be.

I feel so trapped,
Trapped by circumstance
Trapped my my own heart,
My own fears.
My own desires.
Trapped by my life
But life is suppose to be free

I don't feel free

I feel trapped by judgement.
And the opinions of others

Trapped by a future I've lived out
In my head a million times

Trapped by the idea I may not have that future

I just need you to help set me free

Set me free and show me,
Show me what it's like to fly
Show me what it feels like to be loved.

Filled With all memories
Tortured with the glimpse
Of what was
All that made me strong
Making me weak
I stand only for my individuality
Break at every turn
Because it takes me down a notch
They compliment
And tease
But worries are not yet at ease
For the soul I bare
Has love to share
And it is stuck in the motions
Of which are true emotions
They all blend
And I get lost in the truth and the lies
And So I Bow My Head
And simply give up
There are no more tears to be cried.