The rain struck harder than ever before,
It pelted her delicate skin but she wasn't focused on it much,
Though it was perfect to hide her tears,
It was perfect to mask her pain,
The tears trickled down her face blending with the raindrops,
She clenched her jaw,
For the pain she felt was too much,
She balled up her fists and walked away,
Anger and agony filling her completely,
Feeling more alone than ever before,
Knowing nothing could hurt more than the words she just heard,
The words that would forever be engraved in her now broken and distraught heart,
*"I Never Loved You"

The girl who never cried broke out in tears,
How can this be?
She tries to say this isn't real,it's not reality
But she doesn't wake and her heart continues to ache,
He wasn't just some boy
To her he was everything she'd ever need,
She feared without him she wouldn't suceed,
She fell to pieces,
She hurt inside and out,
She neded to shout
Even moew she needed to know if he always had doubts.

How could she have been such a fool,
She believed his lies,
To him she was just another tool,
He used her and made her feel like nothing,
Her heart no longer feels anything but pain,
Her world was shattered and her heart was slain,
This may be her end,
She can no longer go on and pretend,
No it's not alright,
No it's not okay,
She can't bare to stay
Her life must be taken away,
One more day like this
Just to make sure there's nothing she'd miss,
Then she'll be dead
Remembering how he loved her instead.

I'm smiling
As the image comes
Into play



I'm crawling into
A bed
Pajamas and all
Pulling back covers
And I turn to see
You looking at me
Watching me
Smiling
And I laugh
Because I know
Tomorrow
I'll be waking up
Cuddled
Into you
My hair
In crazy curls
And everything
Seems
Perfect
We're content
And joyful
Because this is
The first of many
Memorable nights
We'll spend
Together.


**I'm smiling.

As his hand
Takes mine
I believe his words
When he whispers
"I love you"
I believe
He means it
For our love
Has always existed
But from time to time
It's been buried
For our fear was
Our master
We're breaking free
Breaking rules
And finally
Being
This feeling
Is perfect
And despite both
Of our insecurities
When we see each other
We think only the best
We dream of a future
We hope for
The fear to stay away
And for the love
To just stay
Just this one last time.

I'm just some girl,
A girl that might pass by and not even cross your mind,
I'm just some girl,
A girl that might not be perfect but wishes she was,
I'm just some girl,
You may never know me but my whole life something has been missing,
I use to think it was happiness,
But I have it for now,
But what I want more than anything,
What I've always wanted,
Is just love,
To love and be loved.

I can watch,
smile,
pretend love doesn't run through these veins,
my love is alone,
it's a burning fire without anything to contain it,
it slips through me,
I spread it here and there,
on him or him,
but not the only person i ever wanted,
my desire for him was burned at the stake,
I had to let go,
and now I only pretend,
pretend it doesn't ache,
pretend i'm not alone,
pretend I'll make it through the fire and learn to be me.

The lack of your essence gives me the shakes,
I lose the strive to survive,
Quiting begins to sound like a gift,
I need you near
To keep me from collapsing,
Your my best friend
But your also part of the problem,
But still I need you,
You hug me,
Take away the pain,
Wipe away the tears,
Tell me it'll be alright,
But you'd leave me if you knew,
If you knew I'm in love with you,
And in this moment I am a puzzle
With a million missing pieces,
And while your near I feel a little less incomplete,
I need you
Now
And Forever

If only that could be.

Everyday
You comfort me
With words

You tell me
You love me
You call me your wife
And suddenly
I know

Everything will be okay
Because together
We'll succeed
One day
We'll get hitched
And have a baby
We'll all live happily
And the love will never die
Because that's just how it is with us
Because no matter how
Bad it seems
The sun always shines again
And we survive
We are warriors
Fighting for a cause worth while
Fighting for each other.

I use to think you were Jack
And that I was Sally
But I realized that
I was Jack,
Trying to figure out
Who I was,
Sick of the same thing
And that could fall apart
At any given moment
And you were Sally
Always falling apart
Being trapped
Trying to break free.

You are everything I've spent my whole life looking for
You are the only way my story ends happily
You are the only person who motivates me
You make me want to be the best me I can
You are the reason I know what love is
You are the reason I know what happiness is

I cannot read minds, not for lack of trying
So I don't know for sure if you love me back
But when you kiss my cheek in the middle of making love
And when you hug me tight as soon as I walk in the door
I have all the hope in the world you do

Sweetie, let me tell you,
I'm pretty **** bad at expressing my love in words
But you are the brightest thing in my life
Which is so ironic because you are such a pessimist
But you are my favorite pessimist

You inspire me
You are the craziest and most creative person I know
You are amazing from head to toe
You are the only one I know who rocks bedhead
You are my favorite person in this world

I hope one day
Things won't be so
Complicated
I hope one day
I can tell you I love you again
And my ears will be blessed enough to hear it back.

Sometimes
I find
Myself wishing
I could be everything
That you want
Everything you deserve
Everything your looking for
I wish and wish
But I'm still just
Me.

Never go
                    Don't leave
                                                 Stay with me

**And love me forever

Joshua
This is my final tribute to you
You left me in a bright place
But the moment you left
Light became dark
And these days my love is a hate
Betrayal is in your heart
Guilt for the lies you told
I hope pain for the agony you've caused
Your love was never real
We were adolescents playing a game
But my love was real
My pain was too
I was sent into the darkness
You left me with nothing
You were the light to my day
The smile to my laughter
I needed you
And because you broke me
I will never be whole
I will never love myself
And I can't stand to kiss in the rain without thinking of you.

Hope,
It makes people wish for the best,
But through my life hope has always failed me,
I Hoped the sick would heal,
But instead they died,
I Hoped friends would stay,
But instead they left,
I Hoped love survived,
But instead it completely died,
Hope leads me to pain,
It has since the day I was born,
Hope it'll get better,
Hope I can change,
But in the end,
Hope fails me,
But never have I failed hope,
I keep believing,
I keep hoping,
Because one day,
Something has to change,
Something good has to happen.

Doesn't it?

When your hand
Goes up and down
My back
Every touch
Every instant
Is A release
Tension and stress
Dissipate
And all I can
Feel is you
And all I wanna do
Is give you a hug
So you know
The effect you have on me.

I just want you
To take me each night
With that firey passion
In your illuminated eyes
Make me one with you
Every chance you get
Because no one
Does what you do for me.

Today I discovered the truth,
I learned that every word was a lie,
Every moment I spent with you was wasted,
Your telling them You never loved me,
Then why did you tell me that so many times,
You tell them we were never together,
But they know we were,
You tell them our kisses and our hugs meant nothing,
Then why did you write me,
Saying you still remembered the way I kiss,
And my beautiful face,
Why did you tell me you still cared,
When it's obvious now,
You don't,
And maybe you never did.

I want a magic wand

Just a flick of the wrist and
Everything could be better
I can make myself into
The perfect girl for you

Just one flick of the wrist
And I can have you back,
Right here, by my side again

Just one flick of the wrist
And school wouldn't make me cave

Just one flick of the wrist
And I'd no longer be chained
By the child who keeps me in

Just one flick of the wrist
And we could be happy again.

A growing want
The thoughts
Racing on by
Can't steer clear
Thinking
Of you
The possibilities
We could share
Kisses
Hugs
Love
I want you
My need fuels me
Just to feel
Your warm body
Lying next to me
And know
It's not gonna go
Maybe this
Isn't love
But it is as
Close as I can get.

Seemed today his dark brown eyes were the only thing on my mind...They told me so many things...So many stories...Now I sit and think of our glories...The moments when I knew...The moment my heart flew...What else could I do?
I stared into those eyes and suddenly I felt unwise...I tried to break free but he already captured me...♥

All I need are simple things,
Just to have you look my way,
Just to see your smile,
To hear your laughter.

But things get complicated and I find myelf needing more,
I need to be in your embrace,
Need your kiss,
Your touch,
All I need is you.

I need you.

You left me
You stopped fighting
You don't get to judge me
You don't get to call me names
You lied and cheated
You broke my heart
You guilted me
You broke down every bit of me
You destroyed who I am
You abandoned me
You cannot expect me to be the woman
You wanted me to be when
You could not be the man
You claimed to be
You hypocrite
You are so bad for me
You still have a a hold on me
You will still be loved because unlike
You I keep my promises despite
You and despite what I do now
You will be loved
You were my first
You were suppose to be my last
You are now a ghost of us
You killed the future we saw
You killed the future I saw
You ripped them from my arms
You named them
You will never know them I won't either
You will never know my kiss again
You live in your dark shell
You will never leave it
You blamed me for the evil
You brought more of it with your anger
You brought more of it because
You could not forgive or trust
You

Why did I have to love such a beautiful monster?

You encourage me
Make me smile
Cause tears to fade
Warm my heart
With perfect hugs
You mean so much to me
I fear each day
Because we near the end
We get closer to the day
Where you'll be gone
And then there will be
Another missing part of me.

Each time you
Ask me
What if this was a dream?
I ache to be closer
Because it's like a warning sign
That I'm gonna wake up soon
It's as though your saying goodbye in those words
And I inch closer
Trying to reassure myself that
You are real
Your kisses
Your touch
Your love
Hell even your presence
It's hard to imagine just waking up
To find all this was a dream
A magically heart breaking one
I swear if I wake up
From some medically induced coma
And discover none of this was real
My life would end
Because my heart
Would have to reason to keep pumping.

So Many Moments Spent With Tears Rolling Down My Face.
Time stops and I'm alone,
Knowing I'm nothing,
Knowing I want to be his everything,
I can't help my hopes,
I can't help my dreams,
All I know is what I want to be,
I want to be his,
I want to be loved,
I want to be in his arms,
I want forever to be his everything,
To just be his girl,
But I'm not his,
Not anymore,
I'm not pretty enough,
Funny enough
Or worth his time,
He hates me now,
All I did was curse,
I had no choice he hurt me,
He told the world,
He told the world he never loved me.

I love waking up in your arms
I love being close to you
Looking into your dazed eyes
My heart swells with joy
Knowing your mine
I love you
And I await
The days
Where I can
Awake to you
*EVERY DAY.

I close my eyes,
and scars reimerge,
wounds so fresh,
I want them to be real,
I want to feel the pain,
feel the marks in my body,
the scab trying to heal what I destroyed,
I want to feel the cold bade slice me open,
to feel all my emotions break out,
slightly free,
the more I slice,
the less I feel,
the less I hurt.

If we are all labeled for the things we do
or the things we let happen
you would be the devil
A heart-breaker
You would be the humidity that people hate
The hail pelting you down
you would be the meteor people wish on
and get let down by
You would be a facade of all the good things
And then reveal yourself  for the monster you truly are.

There was a time when silence was ruler,
when hearts dictated everything,
this day I declare hearts weak,
they put on a facade,
in reality they are nothing,
they can be broken hurt and can't always heal,
hearts were once powerful,
but they were foolish and allowed love entrance,
love decided to work against them,
slowly love broke them each apart,
now hearts are weaklings and love is key,
love cannot die,
it is strong even when not returned,
love will live,
even when hearts break.

I'm a girl with a broken heart

I'm nothing much

I remain

Scars are gone

Cuts have healed

Tears have dried

Loneliness is consuming me

Feeling trapped

I need to escape

Pain is suffocating

Sorrow overloads me

No one has ever undestood

I am nothing

I'm abandoned

Leftovers to the evil

Not good enough to keep but good enough to use.

Please know if you have been in my life this is for you

This is for my mom who was always judgmental
Who was unsympathetic
Who on multiple occasions threatened my life if I cut myself
Because that totally made sense

This is for my father
For moving in and out of my life
More often than my taste in music changes
Who always says he wants to start fresh
Unaware you cannot erase the past
Or fill in the blank places in my memory when you weren't there

This is for cancer
For stealing my first best friend at seven
And everyone around me expecting me to know how to handle it

This is for my first love
Who came into my life at a mere eleven
You too moved in and out of my life
You have broken  me infinite times
You have made me feel unloved and alone
Even when you were suppose to at least be a friend
You can't seem to understand that you
Are my first love and as such I will never stop loving you
You have used me before and even that couldn't sever it
I wonder when you proposed at fifteen if you loved me
I mean it's clear who loved who most in the end isn't it

This is for the man who sodomized me at thirteen
You were probably in your 30's
Didn't speak much English
But you knew I was young
Did you know my mother called me a ***** after?

This is for the man who stole my virginity at fourteen
Who was at least ten years older than me
You kissed me one day
Invited me in the next
Promised you wouldn't take off your shorts if I didn't take off mine
And instead took off both of ours

This is for the elementary teacher who saw him kissing me
And instead of stopping it closed her window

This is for my depression and anxiety
That started at twelve and still hasn't ended at twenty
The cuts never scarred me and that always upset me

This is for the two boys who used my depression as a gateway
To use my body
Who ****** me at fourteen
Who pressured me until I gave in
Who wouldn't leave my house until they finished

This is for me
For hating myself so much I'd let anyone use me back then

This is for my first high school boyfriend
Who forced his hand down my pants after I ended it
And who I had to crawl away from so he would stop

This is for my " best friend" and her boyfriend
Who at sixteen brought me to their place to study
And instead held me down together
So that he could **** me
And then pretend like nothing ever happened
It was not easy telling my first love about that
We were dating so he assumed I was confessing to cheating
Even when I clearly said it was **** to the couple
My love went out and got a ******* from a ******* as revenge
He didn't tell me for almost a year

This is for my first friend with benefits
Who called me "baby, sugarplum, princess"
Who ****** me once a week
Who texted me every moment of everyday
Who made me feel special and cared for
Who made me want him
But suddenly got a girlfriend
Not that it stopped him from sending me pictures
Or telling me how he wants to touch me

This is for any man who seemed interested
****** me or used me in another way
And then never spoke to me again

This is for the guy who desperately wanted to date me at nineteen
I can forgive you for the rancid way you smelled
And I can forgive the fact that you didn't close the door
Whenever you used the bathroom
Or that you made me smell like cigarettes
But I can't forgive the fact that you ignored me
When I said no and stop and cried as you ***** me
And I will never forget the aggressive growl you let out

This is for my second and last friend with benefits
You wouldn't kiss me or touch me
Just take from me
I was an object to you
You wanted to date me but I knew the type of man you were
Infamous for being a player
And just two months ago when you assaulted me
Moments before your new girlfriend showed up
You laughed at me and said you were just playing
But being held by my neck and grabbed at
While saying no and stop didn't feel like a joke to me
I wanted to tell her but someone said you broke up
And when I finally had the courage to say something
Everyone, including my best friend yelled at me

This is for the guy who was my best friend
Who had claimed to like me for nearly five years
And when I'm finally ready to give him a chance
He uses me and tells me he still has a girlfriend
After asking me out just the day before

This is for the loneliness that is setting in

This is for my best friend who yelled at me for waiting
Who complained to me last night about being sad
When she has everything I have ever wanted
She has the fiance, is pregnant, and has a career in a field she loves
But sometimes even the world isn't good enough

This is for all of my dreams
I was three when I started wanting to find love
I was ten when I started wanting motherhood
I was eleven when I wanted to work with animals
I was eighteen when I felt like I lost my soulmate
I was seventeen when the doctors said I might not be a mom
I was nineteen when anxiety and depression sent me running
From every classroom in tears and wanting to die.

This is for you so you know when I cry
It's because of all of this
It's because everyone I have ever counted on
Everyone who should of been there hasn't
It is because I have been broken more ways than I can count
And it is a miracle I am alive
Because for years I swore to end it all at eighteen
Here I am an unhappy twenty though
Still waiting for it to "get better".

I feel more
Like the old me  right now
Wanting to scream
Begging for you
Missing you
Feeling so
Desperate
I need you
I can't stand
For this altered
Version of me
She's even weaker
Than I am with you
I need you
I miss you
I feel worthless
And empty.

I'd like believe you loved me.
But how do I do that when all you do is leave.
You did not comfort me when I cried.
You watched me hurt myself.
You knew leaving would destroy me.
You never bothered saying good-bye.
I've loved you for so long.
And I often believed that you loved me.
Some signs said you did others said other wise.
But I'll always believe you and I were meant to be...

I think of you when I wake up....
I think of you as I get dressed...
I think of you as I walk out my door...
I think of you as I arrive at my destination...
I think of you as I Leave...
I think of you each moment I breathe...
I think of you when I cry...
I think of you when I'm alone...
I think of you when I lie awake each night...
I see you in my dreams...And it seems you'll never leave...

The moment she walked away,
Her smile turned to a frown,
She had to go no matter how her heart wanted to stay,
He hurt her,
Left her broken,
She'll always remember what they were,
Darkness fills her mind,
She wants to feel nothing,
She can't believe she thought he was kind,
She was blind,
Love broke her,
Made her weak,
Now she believes her future is plain and bleak,
She loved a heart breaker,
She loved who he was,
"This Is what love does"
"Love cuts deep",
So much you have no choice but to break out and weep,
She tried her best
But I guess he just wasn't impressed.

I don't know you yet
But I love you
You bring me
Laughter and joy
The simple
Idea of our
hands entwined
warms my
Cold heart
I need you
Not just now
But forever
Please just
Be mine
Even if
only for
a little while.

Tease me
Because that's
How I've
Imagined
Making love
Would be,
A long
Frustratingly
Pleasurable
Tease
Leading
To
Something
Just a little
More Amazing.

I think
I've finally
Found the guy
I wanna spend
Forever with
I finally
Found this
Amazing guy
Who isn't
Ashamed
That I'm his
And that he's mine.

They're telling me
I still care
About him
But what do they know
Nothing
For my heart
Already belongs
To someone
And it sure as hell
Isn't him.