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Jan 22 · 59
Reality Dose
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that my first love, didn't love me back.

I spent 3 years with a man who I constantly had to explain myself to.

Who told me to my face in all types of ways that I wasn't good enough.

Yet I loved him unconditionally, for those 3 years and for so many more.

I still believe part of me would break if he weren't on this planet, and it's sad to think that he doesn't feel that way too.
When I finally get married this year, I know it's to a man who loves me for me. Someone I'll never have to justify myself to.
Nov 2023 · 78
Only I Can Fix Me
We think we can fix them

We think that the broken parts of them are puzzle pieces we can just reassemble

But in the end all we do

Is love every broken piece of them

So much so that we start to crumble too

So much so that now we need to be fixed too

Now we're both broken

And no one can repair it.
Nov 2023 · 307
Chemically Induced
I wish you were as chemically addicted to me like I once was to you.

Just so you could see how much strength it took to walk away and stay away.
Oct 2023 · 252
Lactose intolerant
You were the most addictive poison I've ever known.

I imagine it's similar to someone who's lactose intolerant

They can't deny how sweet and wonderful ice cream tastes on their mouth

But it's gonna hurt later.
Jul 2023 · 409
I wonder if this is how drug addicts feel after years of being clean

I'd still take a hit of you

The chemical reaction is just too strong

And I know it would ruin me

But the high would feel so good.
Jun 2023 · 113
Nothing seems to be able to stop this feeling

Like a thousand weights are right on my chest

The whole world around me whirring by and I'm dazed

Frustrated that the pills aren't helping anymore and I'm thinking about my past

Depression is the worst whip lash one can experience and it's friend anxiety is not any better.
Mar 2023 · 104
Time Lapse
I remember when we were just tweens

And you called me one day out of the blue and I tried hiding in my closet so that no one would see just how giddy I was

So no one would know just how much one person could effect me

And now, today, we are complete strangers.
Mar 2023 · 113
You're woven into my subconscious

I cannot wake up fast enough

Cannot blink away your image quick enough

I cannot escape.
Feb 2023 · 80
Unhealthy relationship
Let's pretend for a moment that I don't have a hormonal imbalance.

My mother was there for me but never emotionally

My father was never there for me at all

My first friend died when I was only seven

My first love broke my heart every way imaginable

So when I tell you food is the only thing that has been there for me, in ups and downs; understand that's why I am fat.

I have had nothing but food to rely on in my darkest times

Food is my mother, father, friend. Food is there for me when love isn't.
Feb 2023 · 79
Addiction is a hard thing to overcome

Especially when it's a person

When the waves of nostalgia wash over me

I can't help but let out a sigh of relief

I relish in the past

In the things I can only scarcely remember

And yet that meant so much to me once

I don't know if it's chemical or I'm just insane

But I still have to peel myself away from those memories

Stop myself from reaching out

Because there's no turning back from the next hit and I refuse to start again

I refuse to let myself be broken by another person again.
Jan 2023 · 85
Always Broken
How do I tell you

That you broke my heart

That you shattered me so completely

That I thought about hurting myself

That you made me hate myself.
Jan 2023 · 77
Shatter me
I feel like I've been living in a glass box all this time

And you just threw every rock you could find.

I'm bleeding.

The glass is shattered.

I don't know if the box can be rebuilt.
Oct 2022 · 68
Finishing thoughts
You know what's really unfair?

You f$cked me like you loved me

And I tried to f$ck you like I loved you,

Sep 2022 · 191
When I'm sad I think about you

As though that makes me feel better

Instead I'm left feeling more empty

When I'm sad I put on music

Only to skip to the sad songs

When I'm sad I stay sad for days

And I wonder if sometimes
I just like being sad.
Sep 2022 · 99
Multi verse theory
I often wonder
What my life would look like
If I never fell in love with you

Or at the very least

If I learned how to let go of you sooner.
Sep 2022 · 91
Different Love
It's been 14 years now since I first fell in love with you

And each year

No matter how much or little we talk

I'll still love you

I'll always love you

It just will never be the same as it was at the very start.
Sep 2022 · 395
I think about reaching out all the time

But I know I would care too much

And you wouldn't care at all

I know if I did I would hurt

So each day I hold myself back

Because I have nothing and everything to say

And I know it's best to leave things the way they are.
Aug 2022 · 90
If it heals
If time heals all wounds then what are these gaping holes in my soul

There are missing parts of me I'll never get back and that nothing can ever fill

If time heals

Then why do I still feel so broken

So flooded by the pain

Why do I still feel angry

Still feel sad

If time heals

Why won't it heal me?
Aug 2022 · 479
5 years gone/Funeral
If you were to die tomorrow

I would mourn the hardest

And if you don't die until 50 years go by

I'll still mourn you the hardest
I wish you felt the same.
Jul 2022 · 105
War of Dreams
I still dream about having to choose

I always run from those deviously encapturing eyes.
Jun 2022 · 264
Longing for
Passion was a friend I once knew

God, a best friend

And I miss her all the time.

I miss the breathlessness

The quivering and excitement she brought

It's all gone now.
Jun 2022 · 67
Always Depression
I should be asleep.

Instead I'm lying in my bed crying

Thinking of all things left unsaid

Of all the feelings cut short

So many mistakes made

And no way to sort out these feelings

It feels as though the last page of my story has been ripped out

I don't know how I keep going each day

It hurts to breathe

But it hurts to imagine stopping

How can I feel loved for the first time in my life

And still not feel good enough

Still feel like just a thing to be used as a convenience

I feel like there's no fixing the tattered pieces of my soul.
Jun 2022 · 248
Anyway, Maybe
I've never given anything away as much as I have my body

Grin and bare it

Maybe if I make noise it'll be over faster

Maybe if I close my eyes hard enough I'll fall asleep

Maybe I can convince myself I want this.

Maybe is never enough.
Jun 2022 · 82
A smile away
I'm in a bad mood today

And sometimes I think you're the only one who knows how to fix it

But I would never reach out

Not after all the pain

And I know you

You'll probably never speak to me again.

So I'm at a standstill

Just waiting for this day to be over.
Life is so stressful
Jun 2022 · 337
A Real Type of Love
Being loved totally and completely is such a strange feeling

It's such a revelation to have someone always willing to put you first

Someone who makes you love yourself.
Jun 2022 · 197
Maybe I don't wanna die

But I certainly don't want to be alive either.
Jun 2022 · 66
Can't Erase Some Words
My body was "beautiful" while you were inside of me

But when it just was
You'd ask when would I lose the weight

My **** were just fine when they were in your mouth

When they weren't you'd ask when I would get a **** job to "even them out".

You'd tell me I was perfect
But " I'd be a real knock out" if I just worked on myself.

I still somehow told myself you loved me.
Jun 2022 · 72
Dreaming of another life
I had another dream of you
The bane of my existence

We had become friends again
And even in my dream state I knew what that meant

It meant I would love you again
In such a way that I would break every ounce of my own heart to do

I was so little when we met
And so naive
I believed we would be like a romance movie

Now I know better
And still my subconscious betrays me.
May 2022 · 86
I like to believe in a astrology
And no not the daily horoscopes
But our signs and their effects

You were a cancer,
And in a way a cancer on my soul

Your emotions always drowned all of mine

You could never quite make up your mind about us

One day you wanted me to be your wife

And another day a stranger

In the end one of those happened

You're just a memory
Imprinted on my soul

Good for me or not.
Apr 2022 · 67
Always a little broken
You broke my heart so many ways

More than than I thought possible

And yet with each shattering I would still tell you how I loved you

And I don't know what's more pathetic

The way I let you break me so often

Or the fact that when I said I would always love you I meant it.
Apr 2022 · 88
Not quite a muse
For someone who has been my muse for years and years

You've made so many of my own words leave a bitter taste on my tongue.
Mar 2022 · 299
Both Worlds
You were the first person to tell me they loved me

And the first person to make feel worthless.
I woke up dreaming of you, as I've done a million times the last 14 years. I had given you another chance in my dreams, a chance to love me, and as always, you leave me. Even in my dreams my heart breaks. I don't know why I still dream about you or even think of you. Firsts mean a lot I guess. I have someone who loves me so unconditionally, in the way that I loved you. I remember that love, so deep I'd do anything just to keep you. I often wonder how you're doing now, if you've finally settled, and if you've found a love that makes you as crazy as I was for you. Passion really hypnotized me, I needed you endlessly and now I know I was filling myself with you to block out all the bad stuff that had happened. Even though that pain still exists from what others have done I've finally balanced out. But sometimes I still think about you, about the way it felt when you touched me. That was always the most exciting part. I'm going to sleep again soon, as one does, and I'm just hoping as pleasant as it is to see your face, that I don't dream of you.
Always and forever was short lived.
Mar 2022 · 59
Forever and now
He holds me
And he tells me I'm perfect
Just the way I am

He kisses me enough
To cover every cut I've ever made on
my body

Hugs me enough to comfort any painful words that have ever rung in my ears

He is the other half of myself in every way I didn't know possible.
"You're everything I never knew I always wanted" -Fools rush in
Mar 2022 · 57
I dreamt of you again

Just like I've done a million times before

And I awoke

Remembering your face

And wondering...

How do I break a bond

A trauma bond

One that convinced me
Mind, body and soul that I needed you

How do I take control of my dreams

So I never have to dream of you again.
Feb 2022 · 813
Half Love Story
I loved you enough to ruin myself

You loved me enough to ruin me too.
Jan 2022 · 270
Forbidden Desires
I am starving
And you are an apple just out of reach

I know each bite would be juicy and sweet

I am cold
And you are the furry blanket I left behind

I know if I had you I would be warm

I am unsatisfied

You would bring me the most satisfaction.
Always wanting what I can't have. Just day dreams.
Jan 2022 · 98
Lust Lost
I want the excitement

The titillation I felt whenever I felt your hand touch me

The passion behind every kiss
And the desire in each breath

I miss the lust more than I miss you.
Dec 2021 · 444
Every part of me is cracking

And I just don't have enough cement to cover up the holes

I can feel myself breaking more each day and there is nothing that can mend me

Only memories that damage me more.
Dec 2021 · 64
There's this weight on my chest
And it has nothing to do with how much I weigh

The air is caught in my lungs
And there's a pain like no other
My head hurts from all the pressure

And no medicine can cure it
I don't know how to make it go away

I just want one free breath.
Dec 2021 · 695
Broken Tiles
For years
I thought your emotional abuse was love

I deluded myself for so long

And even now I wish that some part of that pain was love.
Nov 2021 · 92
Hold off
Passion and bliss

Is all that I miss

Not the sparkle in your eyes

why do I tell such lies?
Nov 2021 · 171
Drown in you
I try swimming away from your current

But you always pull me in

Swift and all consuming

You devour all of me.
Nov 2021 · 316
Well well
The water in your well is all my toxic love for you

The other well is clean hydrating water

And while I need to stay hydrated

Something about that toxic water

Is just so addictive.
Had a better one than this. This was a rough draft of the concept in mind
Oct 2021 · 447
Stupid me
I've been stupid now thirteen long years

I've been stupid since the moment we met

The moment I saw you

And I fell in stupid love

Nothing else really mattered in comparison

You were my oxygen

And even now that I've learned to live without you, you're still my heart beat

And here I am trying to stop my heart

Anything to stop being stupid

You taught me I could be addicted to a person

But there's never been a patch for you

Four years in withdrawal

Not a single hit

And here I am

Still stupid

Still missing you.
Always wishing I could erase you.
Oct 2021 · 69
Loved You=Love you always
I loved you in a thousand ways

Then everything changed

And I still loved you in hundreds of ways

Some love just can't be erased.
Oct 2021 · 79
Haunted home
You can still find me in the halls and streets where we fell in love

This place haunts me almost as much as you haunt my dreams

And yet I will never leave

This is home

Just like you once were.
Oct 2021 · 254
Ocean waves
You were like the ocean
And depending on the season

Your waves would be hot or cold

Did you love me today and crash into me with warmth

Or did you resent me today and crash cold insults into my soul

You were the ocean

And I was the sun

Bonded but never meant to be.
Oct 2021 · 58
A Love Like That
A love like that?

True love for someone

It doesn't just fade away

It doesn't slowly turn to hate

It sits there at the back of your heart

And all you can do is acknowledge it

And hope it's never front and center again.
Oct 2021 · 90
Past Truth
Your name still echoes in my mind

And your shadow still lurks around the corner

And no matter how much I wash my hands

I'll never be free of you.
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