I wonder sometimes about those lost words

Written on stray pages that just seemed to vanish

Floating away into nothingness

With more heart and memory than I can contain in just this keyboard

The pen is mightier

The pen is more honest

And now maybe those words

Written in sloppy haste

Can bring someone else peace.

How can I many ways can I say

"I'm disappointed"

Maybe I'm a traditionalist

Expecting you to provide where I can't

Expecting you to clean when I provide

Expecting you to try harder

I'm tired of feeling like a criminal.

Sometimes you're with someone who you love more

You build up their confidence

Make them sure you love them

That they are in fact lovable

And they begin to see just how great they are

So they no longer see value in what you have

They think they can do better

Be with someone prettier or sexier

You've built them strong enough to leave you.

There are moments
I still long to be in your arms

It's like drinking from a poisonous well

I could drink you all day

But in the end I was hurt

I would hate myself for wanting to go back

But the thirst just grows

And I have to decide

Would I rather hurt or die of thirst.

There's this little me locked away inside my heart

Her jaw open while silent screams attempt to escape her mouth

Her fists clenched and banging against my chest plate

She's so small and so often unheard

And yet she overshadows me

Controls me and every attempt I make to fight back I'm met with her empty screams

Her pure anger at me for disobeying orders

I want to close her jaw

Unclench her fists

And tell her

It's okay that I'm not okay

I'm done fighting who I really am

Just accept my flaws

Because I cannot live up to my own expectations

And I **** sure can't live up to anyone else's.

I don't know what's worse

Losing a friend

Or losing someone you had feelings for

I do know

It's hard when they're the same person

And everything you thought you knew about them no longer seems true.

I think I've realized the more poems I write about someone the more toxic they are to me

Here's number 25 for you

I suppose that pales in comparison to the thousands I wrote for my first love but I've known you a lot less time

And you've never even been mine

And that's okay

Because at this rate

You never will be.

I don't know if I can go home


I don't know if I can sleep beside you and pretend you haven't broken my heart.

Sometimes I hear a voice inside or me

Echoing that I need more

And I silence it

Because I am loved for the first time ever

I hear it trying to escape me

I feel it telling me to do bad things

Be reckless

No, be free

But I silence every urge

This is what I want

This is what I need

Let me be cradled by love

Let me melt into oblivion and forget any sinful though that ever passed through my mind.

Let me be satisfied with all the I have.

I do not want to be greedy.

Lust has been silent in my life for so long now

I miss the desires

I miss the thrill of firsts

The sensation of wanting every ounce of someone's body on me

in me

I miss the way I was wanted

Years ago

He gave me fake flowers

He told me he'd love me so long as they lived

You know that story

I don't have them anymore

Hell, I'm not even sure what happened to them

But wherever they went they're still living

So is there some part of him

That still loves me?
Thinks of me?
Misses me?

I promise you my mind is so full of words that are begging to be written, the just don't know how to pour out in the right order.

I promise I'm so much smarter and filled with this untapped potential.

I promise that there's a novel in me and one day I'll bind the book myself.

I promise when you see me and you notice all the things I hate that I can still change.

I promise there are so many scars you cannot see that are still bleeding, and I'm still wrapping them up. Covered in years of gauze.

I promise that every judgement I have is just a deflection of my own pain.

I promise the bad thoughts and I are always at war. It's this lifelong battle but it is worth every moment of clarity.

I promise there's so much more to come from my soul just let it breathe.