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May 2016 · 228
Die
Die
Her screams go unheard
It's almost as if they want her to die
As much as she wants to.
May 2016 · 266
Sad Rain
No matter how lightly it rained
She would tilt her head back
Open her mouth and just hope
That one raindrop
Could drown her and end it all
May 2016 · 289
Lone struggles
She was beautiful in her desire to be free, in her hope for love; she was beautiful more in words than her apperance could ever say.
Most days she feels like a failure, caught in the trap of depression and over thinking.
She cried in the car but as she got closer to home wiped away the tears.
She would only be so weak alone, her mother could never know who she was because she wouldn't understand.
She ignored her problems for the millionth time that month, hoping she wouldn't have to wake up the next morning and have to face it.

She has always been a big girl, never finding the motivation to change.
Food makes her happy and brings her closer to the end.
She can't cry with a mouth full.
He soul shakes, feeling so unstable, she cannot steady her mind.
She wants happiness so bad but finds more  pain at every turn.
Her past builds in her gut and her only hope for a future dies more each day.
She will never be the wife and mother she dreams of.
She will be the ashes that grow in the roots of saplings.
She is the lost girl, the gone girl, she is nothing and she is something and all she wants is an escape into the abyss.
Found this in a notebook still insanely valid today.
May 2016 · 222
Few words
I hate that I'm never okay
Without you.
May 2016 · 609
The car cry
She's crying in her car
For the tenth time this week
And she begs for her life to end
And her request goes unanswered
She is a hallow woman
So broken from this world
Breaking more from the brokeness
Because people tell her
it'll get better
you'll move on
you'll forget
you won't always feel this way
And she just screams
When?! When does it stop feeling like a dagger is in my chest? When do I get to smile again? When will it get better? When, because it sure as hell hasn't happened after all this time.

She sits in her car
And she cries
Tries to steady her breath
She hopes
One day she won't have to cry
One day it won't ache her to wake up
She hopes
With every tear
And somehow she thinks
Her time will never come.
May 2016 · 273
Letter 1000 for you
Hey baby,
It's me again
I know you don't read these anymore
And that I ****** up
Way too much since I lost you
But I really miss you
You somehow kept me from
Falling apart
And that's all I'm doing now
I'm failing all my dreams
No more you
No more school
I doubt I'll have a child
I'm losing this fight baby
And I miss you
And I will love you no matter what
No matter how many years pass
Or how many other people we're with
I really love you
You made bad days better
I really miss you sweetie
I miss you like crazy
And all the time
And I can't stop
Only stop myself from
Interfering in the life you've built
I hope to see you again one day
Passing on the street
Or at some store
I hope we can be friends one day
But for now
I'll just pray
And hope
And wish
Just like I use to
And maybe I'll get lucky again
And it'll work.
Apr 2016 · 226
Abuse me
I miss him
Almost as much
As I miss smiling

I miss him
I need his hug
His friendship

I miss him
Because honestly
No matter how bad he hurts me
I will always love him.
Apr 2016 · 224
Woman
From the egg
To birth
To living
I am nothing
But a *** rag

I am a woman
But I am also a *** rag
To be used and dirtied

To be thrown around

I am a *** rag
I am woman
I am full.
Apr 2016 · 189
Imaginary Future
You're gone now

But every time

I close my eyes

I still see the future

We always imagined.
Apr 2016 · 155
Soul
I don't want to live in a body
With such an unhappy soul.
Apr 2016 · 452
Gap in me
There is an endless gap
In my chest
Where your pain
Would be
Now all that remains
Is the pain that comes from me

It is as wide and great as a raging sea
And I cannot make it leave
At least not without your pain I believe.
Random poem late tonight. Was thinking of him more. Always seem to now.
Apr 2016 · 246
Jinxed Love
Momma told me that
I only like bad boys, no
Wonder I love you.
Apr 2016 · 159
Whisper it back
I love you*
She whispered into the wind
With a heart so full
She thought it might implode.
Apr 2016 · 362
Love Evader
You see the thing about love is
When you least expect it
It will come

When you most want it
It will evade you

Love makes no sense
Love makes you crazy
But it is love
That keeps us afloat.
Apr 2016 · 590
And Still My Heart Is Yours
As always without you
I am a pile of withered ashes

Brokeness that can't heal
Not alone at least

As always I realize another mistake
Another flaw of mine

Another reason I have lost you
**** babe

I tried so hard not to love you
To not need you
To not miss you
But your soul
Has always been a part of mine
And even when others said you
Were completely insane
I said that your craziness was mine

**** sweetie pie
I freaking miss you
You were my best friend
And even though
You could forgive
You couldn't forget
And even though You didn't understand
You tried so hard to
And I think you knew
The contours of my soul
More than anyone ever will

Because ****** baby
You were my eclipse
Always passing through
Sometimes you'd brighten everything
Other times make it so dark
And every once in a while you
Would make it both
And it would be beautiful
We never worked
But we wanted to so badly
We fought for years
Until we quit

And I still miss your little scar
And your freckles
I miss your weird appetite
And I miss your fear
Of hugging me when I cried
I wish you were here
Because I'm a bigger mess without you

Some love stories aren't perfect
Some don't have a happy ending
I know ours didn't
But it was still amazing.
You will never see this. I'm broken. Depression is back sweetie. It always makes me miss you more.
Apr 2016 · 168
Still want you
I don't know if you were mad
That I forgave
Or mad that you couldn't.
Apr 2016 · 297
Never Forget Love
Pain
Is always loving you
Even though you've left me.
Mar 2016 · 263
March 30th
And this year like every year
Someone will break my heart
For my birthday

Whether it was my father
My first love
Or myself.


Happy birthday to me!
Mar 2016 · 467
Emotional Breakdown 75
And she cried
Because the way she loved you
Broke her own heart

Because she could never forget you
Because even though time is suppose to heal
It just feels like it's tearing her apart more each day.
Mar 2016 · 219
Rambles 303
I've come to a point
Where I want to run from everyone
And everything
To run from my own life
Every move I make feels wrong
And every choice disappoints someone

I am in a storm
And I cannot seem to survive
I feel myself breaking apart
Like a wet piece of paper

I am incapable of piecing myself back
I cannot choose anymore
My heart is a **** fool
And my mind is forgetting all too fast.
Mar 2016 · 679
Barely Enough Of Me
Oh wait I get it now.


I was always beautiful
Just not beautiful enough

I was always amazing
Just not amazing enough

I was always a good lover
Just not good enough

I was just enough
For you to hold onto

To hug and make love to

To love
Just not that way.
Mar 2016 · 630
I only feel kisses now
And this giant wave hit her
The epiphany she avoided
For so long

She wasn't happy
She was numb

She can't remember
The last time she felt loved

Can't recall the feeling of being held

Can't remember the last time
She still had a dream to pursue

It hit her like a Tsunami
Washing her away

She was the broken

She has been for a long time.
Mar 2016 · 311
The Thing About Her Is...
You've never seen someone want
Happiness so **** bad
And somehow
Have it slip through
Their fingertips time and time again.
Mar 2016 · 403
And His Name Is
She was the brown eyed dreamer

Always hoping for the best

So full of aspiration

Until one day a man knocked on her door

This man's name was depression

He clung to her like a second skin

Tearing away her hopes and dreams

Suddenly everything she wanted

Seemed impossible

He held her down

And she tried to fight him

But all she was left with

Was fake smiles

So no one else would see the monster cloaking her

Depression ran her fingertip across a blade

And she fought to put it away

She won't let him win again

Even if it feels like he is

He makes her heart break some days

And on others he lets her breathe

His cruelest trick is making her cry

When she almost feels happy.
Mar 2016 · 311
Unspeakable Bittersweet
I can never truly explain the bittersweet moments

The agony of bad days with you

And the glory of the good.
Mar 2016 · 245
Kisses With You
You knew exactly how to kiss my neck
Without leaving a mark

You knew exactly how to kiss me
To make me want you

You knew exactly how to kiss my freckle
To make me smile

You knew how to kiss me
So gently and so rough
And every kiss was perfection
I could never get enough.
Mar 2016 · 196
I Tried So Hard
Somewhere there is a shooting star
That I forgot to wish on
It's the only way I could've lost you again.
Mar 2016 · 495
The Broken and Flawed
He was a broken man
Had been since the age of three

She was a flawed woman
She had been since she was four

They grew up way too fast
And all at once

They fell in love

They fell into chaos

The flawed loved the broken
And the broken saw no flaws

Until one day
They awoke to traded places

She was broken
And he was flawed

And they were both losing their minds

And their love was forgotten

For way too long

But they had real love

Even if it didn't have a happy ending.
To Spencer and Serenity
You were beautiful thoughts.
Mar 2016 · 592
Still Think Of You
I could never do better than your crazy ***

Here I am again

Missing you

Feeling alone

Wishing you were holding me

Kissing me

I will never know a love like ours

You will always be a wish come true

But like all good things they end

Like all those I love

You leave.
I wish you still read these.
Mar 2016 · 296
The Feeling Of Sinking
There are moments
In the abyss of life
That you just want
To give up and quit it all

When it feels like
Nothing will ever work
Not for us

These moments come
Sporadically
Without realizing it
They emerge to sink your heart

You feel weak
But you hold on
Because
****** you're a dreamer
You're a hoper

And though it hurts
And although it looks bad

You hold on
Because you hope one day

You'll never have to feel that way again.
Mar 2016 · 253
Imaginary Convo
Come to bed baby
And just hold me
Just a few minutes
Please.
My father
My first love
My almost second love
My second love
My best friend
My dream future
All gone
All leaving me with nothing
But wet cheeks and a broken heart.
Mar 2016 · 296
Knight Knight
I'm sorry I'm out of words
All I have left are these emotions
That I can no longer fathom verbally

Just feel them internally
They rip at my soul everyday

The pain starts in my chest
And surges through my arms

I love
And I hate
And I envy
I lust
I hope
I break

I cannot make this sound beautiful
Because it is the mess that it is
I am a mess
Not just physically
But mentally and emotionally

I no longer have a knight to save me
I have to be my own knight
And figure out how the hell I'm suppose to save myself.
Mar 2016 · 377
I wish you did
I will never learn how to run away from love

I warn
You ignore
And quickly
It's true

I fall in love with such a capacity
You may think for just a moment
That you love me too.
Mar 2016 · 1.7k
Good Morning Sweetpea
I joke and say good morning sunshine
But you don't realize
That I'm only waking up for you
Because you're my sunshine
Because in the darkness that is me
You brighten everything.
Mar 2016 · 229
Another Goodbye
You hugged me
And I faltered
Tears started to burst out
As I realized this was another
Unhappy ending for me
You held me closer
And let me cry into you
Tried to make me laugh
Like my heart wasn't hurting
I don't want goodbye
I'm so tired of goodbyes
So tired of last kisses
When do I get my happy ending
When do you see
What we've been all along?
Mar 2016 · 163
Saying Goodbye
I dropped the bag at your door
Walked back to the car and just stared
Wishing you'd come out and get it
So I could see you one last time

We were a beautiful disaster
And I will miss the chaos that was our love.
Mar 2016 · 228
Last time
I'm sorry I fell in love with you

But I'm more sorry

You couldn't love me back.
Mar 2016 · 236
Implosion
The days I miss you
That I think about you and me
Our once upon a time love

It's those days
I feel like I'm being torn apart.
Mar 2016 · 215
Can't Scream 9W
And as always
My anger melts
Into salty tears.
Mar 2016 · 199
You Left
I hate myself in this instant

For missing you

For crying for you

For wishing you stayed

For wishing you were holding me

I hate myself for always loving you.
Feb 2016 · 191
Love story
We were just another
Unfinished love story

That **** author
Stopped writing
That's why we
Don't have a happy ending.
Feb 2016 · 199
Saving
This isn't who I wanted to be

But you left me

And the monster got loose

I try keeping her caged

But she gets out

You were suppose to save me

Now we're both in need of saving.
Feb 2016 · 130
Memories
I am a distant memory to you
But just last night your ghost
Held me
Feb 2016 · 348
Lack of aspiration
When she lost you
Once and for all
She somehow lost her future

She's digging in the ruins
Of a once bright future

She doesn't have any dreams now
And her only aspiration
Could never support her

When she lost you
Her whole world started to change
As it always did at your absence

She aches and she cannot express it
She internalizes the pain

She cries in the car
So no one sees

She cries in the shower
So no one hears

She is nothing
Not because she has lost you
But because she cannot stop
Missing you

She has no one to hold her
No one to love her

She is a ghost of who she once was
The shadow that never got filled in.
Feb 2016 · 147
Friends
Some days
I smile
Because I have a friend like him

Other days
I cry
Because I lost a friend like you

There is a bittersweet taste
That never quite fades.
Feb 2016 · 217
Mumbles and Rambles
I love those
Incapable of loving me back

I love them enough
For the both of us

I love in a way
They too
Believe they love me

But time passes
And things grow weary
And one day we both wake up

Hearts ripped out
And tears streaming down our faces

And we say goodbye
Because we were never meant
To say hello

But the world thought
We both deserved
To feel happy

Even if it ends
Even if the pain never fades

You remember the love
As real or imaginary as it was

And you're happy
For the time you got

And though you miss them

All you can do
Is hope they find real love
And that you do too.
Feb 2016 · 229
History
We are born
Into the chains
Of oppression
Believing it is
Freedom.
Feb 2016 · 161
Drown me
I'm drowning
I just won't let anyone see

If they try and save me
They'll only regret it.


Let me drown

Die and wither
Prune

I was meant to

Don't save me
You can't risk
Touching the poison
That is my life.
Feb 2016 · 156
Option 2 is wrong
College
Or my mental health?

There's only one my mother cares about


You figure it out.
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