There's so much I haven't told you out of fear. You've always blamed me so harshly for the little things, how could I ever tell you the big ones. I am always disappointed in myself, so when I get that from you too, it hurts twice as hard. I don't want to keep secrets anymore. Let's start where I can. That neighbor, when I was only thirteen? Whether by your definition or not it was ****, and it began so much heartbreak and destruction. A year later, after you finally let me come home, my depression was bad, I cut all the time, I tried my ankles and thighs so you wouldn't catch me. I was walking home one day, wearing my cheetah girl skirt, and just saying that I feel like I was a child regardless of how I rebelled against it. I was fourteen then when a older man approached me with two street kids a little younger than me. We talked and the kids left, I was an idiot, but in those days I was so lonely, it was nice to have someone to listen. We kissed, and I left, when I walked home another day, he invited to to hang out with him for a little while, I foolishly did, not expecting anything bad, because I see the best in people. Well, he ***** me and took my virginity, I walked home crying, believing I could never tell you because I didn't want to lose you again, I didn't want you to hate me or blame, I did that to myself already. When Joshua came into the picture again I think we both thought everything would be okay again, he was a distraction but not a solution. I loved him very much but he didn't treat me right. He always blamed me too, hated them for what they did, and in small ways he hated me for not fighting, for always freezing up, which is in fact a natural reaction for some girls. Do you remember that couple at my Quince, the ones who wouldn't stop kissing? I went over his house to work on homework with her because she was my best friend. The brothers were there blasting video games. We were in his room working on math when the couple started to try and take off my clothes. I tried to stop them, thinking they were joking at first, but after I screamed they held me down, one on my arms the other the legs, and they ***** me, I only got away when he went to be with her, I was sixteen then. Joshua thought I chose to do it when I told him and blamed me. Joshua and I always had issues, and when he left I thought I was still going to be okay, I didn't need him. I want to say that this isn't because he left, because it's not, it's because I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, and you always say we're friends too. My depression has been coming back for months now, my anxiety has gotten worse and I've been having panic attacks. I hate college, and realized I don't want to be a marine biologist anymore, I don't know what I want besides to be happy. I recently withdrew from all but one class. I use to imagine slicing open my wrists when I tried to go, and I would sit there and cry for hours. The price of school was adding to my stress, I hoped withdrawing from courses would lower the bill but it hasn't and I'm still trying to talk to the university to figure out my options. I have an extension in my last class because of my mental health issues. I've seen a therapist here a couple of times and they think I could have some ptsd in addition to my anxiety and depression. I know at home you don't really see me struggle, but that's because I try to hide it. I've cried in the showers plenty. I still haven't cut myself which has really been a struggle. I was considering transferring to community college or taking a off semester to volunteer, but I'm still not sure. I know I am far from the perfect daughter, but I am your daughter, and I'm trying my best. Still being alive has to count for something right? I don't know how you'll feel about me after reading this but I hope you know no matter what I love you, you've been a great mother and I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, I hope one day you can forgive me.
Not a poem