Please know if you have been in my life this is for you

This is for my mom who was always judgmental
Who was unsympathetic
Who on multiple occasions threatened my life if I cut myself
Because that totally made sense

This is for my father
For moving in and out of my life
More often than my taste in music changes
Who always says he wants to start fresh
Unaware you cannot erase the past
Or fill in the blank places in my memory when you weren't there

This is for cancer
For stealing my first best friend at seven
And everyone around me expecting me to know how to handle it

This is for my first love
Who came into my life at a mere eleven
You too moved in and out of my life
You have broken  me infinite times
You have made me feel unloved and alone
Even when you were suppose to at least be a friend
You can't seem to understand that you
Are my first love and as such I will never stop loving you
You have used me before and even that couldn't sever it
I wonder when you proposed at fifteen if you loved me
I mean it's clear who loved who most in the end isn't it

This is for the man who sodomized me at thirteen
You were probably in your 30's
Didn't speak much English
But you knew I was young
Did you know my mother called me a ***** after?

This is for the man who stole my virginity at fourteen
Who was at least ten years older than me
You kissed me one day
Invited me in the next
Promised you wouldn't take off your shorts if I didn't take off mine
And instead took off both of ours

This is for the elementary teacher who saw him kissing me
And instead of stopping it closed her window

This is for my depression and anxiety
That started at twelve and still hasn't ended at twenty
The cuts never scarred me and that always upset me

This is for the two boys who used my depression as a gateway
To use my body
Who ****** me at fourteen
Who pressured me until I gave in
Who wouldn't leave my house until they finished

This is for me
For hating myself so much I'd let anyone use me back then

This is for my first high school boyfriend
Who forced his hand down my pants after I ended it
And who I had to crawl away from so he would stop

This is for my " best friend" and her boyfriend
Who at sixteen brought me to their place to study
And instead held me down together
So that he could **** me
And then pretend like nothing ever happened
It was not easy telling my first love about that
We were dating so he assumed I was confessing to cheating
Even when I clearly said it was **** to the couple
My love went out and got a ******* from a ******* as revenge
He didn't tell me for almost a year

This is for my first friend with benefits
Who called me "baby, sugarplum, princess"
Who ****** me once a week
Who texted me every moment of everyday
Who made me feel special and cared for
Who made me want him
But suddenly got a girlfriend
Not that it stopped him from sending me pictures
Or telling me how he wants to touch me

This is for any man who seemed interested
****** me or used me in another way
And then never spoke to me again

This is for the guy who desperately wanted to date me at nineteen
I can forgive you for the rancid way you smelled
And I can forgive the fact that you didn't close the door
Whenever you used the bathroom
Or that you made me smell like cigarettes
But I can't forgive the fact that you ignored me
When I said no and stop and cried as you ***** me
And I will never forget the aggressive growl you let out

This is for my second and last friend with benefits
You wouldn't kiss me or touch me
Just take from me
I was an object to you
You wanted to date me but I knew the type of man you were
Infamous for being a player
And just two months ago when you assaulted me
Moments before your new girlfriend showed up
You laughed at me and said you were just playing
But being held by my neck and grabbed at
While saying no and stop didn't feel like a joke to me
I wanted to tell her but someone said you broke up
And when I finally had the courage to say something
Everyone, including my best friend yelled at me

This is for the guy who was my best friend
Who had claimed to like me for nearly five years
And when I'm finally ready to give him a chance
He uses me and tells me he still has a girlfriend
After asking me out just the day before

This is for the loneliness that is setting in

This is for my best friend who yelled at me for waiting
Who complained to me last night about being sad
When she has everything I have ever wanted
She has the fiance, is pregnant, and has a career in a field she loves
But sometimes even the world isn't good enough

This is for all of my dreams
I was three when I started wanting to find love
I was ten when I started wanting motherhood
I was eleven when I wanted to work with animals
I was eighteen when I felt like I lost my soulmate
I was seventeen when the doctors said I might not be a mom
I was nineteen when anxiety and depression sent me running
From every classroom in tears and wanting to die.

This is for you so you know when I cry
It's because of all of this
It's because everyone I have ever counted on
Everyone who should of been there hasn't
It is because I have been broken more ways than I can count
And it is a miracle I am alive
Because for years I swore to end it all at eighteen
Here I am an unhappy twenty though
Still waiting for it to "get better".

To me,
The craziest thing about life is how
You can spend all these years with someone
Have all these memories
Have all these plans about marriage
About children and promises of a forever type of love
And one day it's gone
Because **** got too hard
Because someone bailed and couldn't deal
Because they don't want to fight for any of it

The worst people are the ones who make the plans
And then cancel after getting you excited about them.

Sometimes I wonder if you see our memories like I do
Flashing by in your mind
Every smile and kiss and tear
All those years
All those precious moments

Sometimes I wonder exactly at which point in those memories
You decided you did not love me anymore

Sometimes I wonder if you knew I loved you
With every single bit of my soul
When you had me sleep in your arms


Sometimes I wonder
If you maybe loved me
If maybe you felt like we belonged together the whole time
Or was it just me?

I wonder if you knew just how many tears
And how much pain I have felt since I met you

I wonder if you know
How hard I tried not to love you
But it's engraved in me
And nothing and no one can etch it away
Not even you hurting me for the umpteenth time

I wonder if you miss me
Because I miss you every morning
And I miss you every night
And **** it I miss you every moment in between

I wonder if you care at all
Or if you've just passed me off as the crazy girl
But f* man I feel like I was just in your bed
And now someone is in my **** spot
And yes that is my spot
Because I can guarantee they don't rub your back
Or let you be the little spoon
Or play with your hair the way you love

I wonder so much
But it'll never be answered
I am just a dumb girl
Who fell in love with a crazy boy
And now we're all grown up
Living these separate lives
And I just can't see myself being happy that way.

Teetering between
I love you
And I will wait
And I will fight.

Tottering with
I need to leave
I have to stop this love
You'll never love me
You will never fight for us.

I will fall one way or the other
But the in between
Is just as scary
As imagining a life without you.

One step forward
Two steps back

That's how it is to try moving on

You can't forget first love

You can never truly stop loving them

So I wasn't your first

I couldn't be

Here I stand thinking about a life,
A life alone, a life without you,

And in those thoughts
All I want is your hug

You're like vines
Beautiful life
And yet they can trip you
They can hurt if used as a weapon

You were always the strongest weapon
It was so easy for you to break me.

Joshua, I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna save and make a life for myself. I'm gonna travel to Canada and maybe down south and find a man with a accent that makes me smile every time he calls me beautiful. I'm gonna make mistakes and I'm gonna learn to forgive myself for them. I'm gonna accept that I will always love you. But more than that I will accept that you will​ never love me back. I will accept the heartbreak and the pain because it's in the past now. And yes I will cry myself to sleep sometimes and I know I'll be lonely sometimes but I will learn to love myself. I will learn to smile more. I will learn to trust again. I want to be happy. I want to live my life even on the days I say I want to die. I will accept what does or does not happen and I will be happy with whatever life gives me. I'm always going to forgive but I will never forget. I hope you're happy. I hope you get to smile every day for the rest of your life. I hope you find a love as strong as the one I feel for you. I hope you get everything you want from life. I hope one day you see just how amazing you are even if you're not always perfect you were perfect to me. And you'll be perfect for the girl you end up with. Live your life the way you want Joshua. Never let anyone or anything hold you back from what you want. I've done that for too long and I won't anymore. Thank you. Thank you for being my first kiss. My first love. My first lover. My friend. Thank you for showing me true happiness even if it showed me true pain too. Thank you for being you, crazy, amazing you. Maybe in another life you could have chosen me. Maybe. A girl can always dream.

Often I'm insecure
Because I will never measure up
To your idea of perfection
I will never be perfect
I worry I'm not enough
That I never will be
But to me, you always will be
And I don't know how to make myself enough  
I just hope you see that no matter what
I will always love you
I hope you see my efforts
I hope you realize
For me
Time doesn't change what's in my heart.

You are everything I've spent my whole life looking for
You are the only way my story ends happily
You are the only person who motivates me
You make me want to be the best me I can
You are the reason I know what love is
You are the reason I know what happiness is

I cannot read minds, not for lack of trying
So I don't know for sure if you love me back
But when you kiss my cheek in the middle of making love
And when you hug me tight as soon as I walk in the door
I have all the hope in the world you do

Sweetie, let me tell you,
I'm pretty **** bad at expressing my love in words
But you are the brightest thing in my life
Which is so ironic because you are such a pessimist
But you are my favorite pessimist

You inspire me
You are the craziest and most creative person I know
You are amazing from head to toe
You are the only one I know who rocks bedhead
You are my favorite person in this world

I hope one day
Things won't be so
Complicated
I hope one day
I can tell you I love you again
And my ears will be blessed enough to hear it back.

I wonder what others see when they look at you
Anytime my eyes meet yours
I feel the pitter patter of my heart
My lips burst into a smile
I can't stop it in time
You tell me to stop staring
But how can I stop staring at perfection
And I know no one is perfect
I know in the past you've hurt me
But when I look into those eyes
It all melts away
And my heart is home
I am home
You are perfect to me
Even though you're crazy
Even though you're complicated
Even if you are not mine
I can't stop staring
Because I can't accept how lucky
I got the day you walked into my life
I love you inside and out
Always and forever
Nothing and no one has been able to change it.

Don't tell me you miss me
When you're lonely

Tell me when you're
With friends or busy

Tell me when I least expect it

Tell me all the words you know
I want to hear
But only when you mean them.

At the rate we're going

I'll never have a happy ending

Never have anything I wanted

Because you always leave

This isn't a "maybe" but a "when"

I'm stupid for always coming back

For always holding on

But for nine years

I have tried to stop loving you

I have tried loving others

And none of it ever works

At eleven I believed you were
And always would be my soulmate

Now I'm scared that we are
And you'll never accept it

The question with us is
Who's being more stubborn

Am I, for loving you endlessly?
Or are you, for always breaking the heart of the person who would dedicate their life to you?

I'm scared of what the end
Will be

Because I always had a plan

I always had a picture
And you were always in it

I just worry that if you're there in the end

It'll be because I'm still chasing you

Chasing a love that can never be returned.

I feel so imperfect

Not because I don't
Like things about myself

But because I fear
You don't

To me you are more perfect
Than any words I could fathom

To me even things you call
Flaws
Are absolute perfection

So I'm scared

Because I know you don't
See me the same way

You see my flaws as flaws

And that makes me want to cry

It makes my heart clench

But then I remind myself

I still got to wake up in your bed
I still got to make love to you
I still got hugs and kisses
I still got you laying in my lap
I still have you in my life

And though your like for me
Greatly differs from my immense
And completely overwhelming love

Please know I appreciate every
Moment in your presence

But my mind
It's racing with fears

While my heart
It's ready to take a plunge
Take a chance
And just speak everything it feels.

Everything is better with you
Movies are more intresting
Music has meaning
And even my tears
Are just a little sweeter

With you,
Life feels good,
It feels like I'm living

I love you
Maybe I always have
Or maybe I just
Keep falling in love with you
Over and over again

Either way it is the most
Painfully beautiful feeling.

We were together
Three years
And you thought I was cheating
So you cheated a little

Not that there's really a degree of it, either you are or you aren't

But in all that time
That you thought that
You missed something really important

You missed the way I look at you

Like my whole world is in your eyes

Like you're the most attractive person in this world to me

Like I love you, every crazy, paranoid, insane part of you

You missed the part where I promised to always love you

And though in that time together

We did plan our future

You didn't think my heart was in it

But baby my whole soul was in it

There is no future for me without you

If there is it will just be a sad miserable existence

You lied and hid stuff

I didn't care about your choices

Just that you decided to lie

Three years together

Now nine of knowing you

And I still can't stop dreaming of you

You are home

Sweetie

I can't stop this love

I have tried

I have tried to love others

I have tried to find a lover

That could beat you

But you are always my King

And no matter how you hurt me

No matter what you think I feel

No matter if you lie or break promises

You will always be the person who brought me to life

The person who makes me happiest

And I will always love you

And if that makes me crazy

Then I'm okay with that.

Win that lottery
And take me away with you

Let's leave this life together

Just like you said we could

I hope you win

Not because I want you to have money

But because I want us to be free

Free to go anywhere together

And maybe just maybe

You would finally

Just let yourself love me.

This poem
If that's what you wanna call it
Is a ******* shrine to you

Like every poem I've ever written

It's the only thing on my mind

Words for you
Words of you

How can someone
Own all my words
All my thoughts

How can you own me

How do I stop this ******* shrine

And darkest of all
What if I never want to stop?

It's almost 4 A.M.
And I'm in this bed alone
Having an imaginary fight
With you that I know
I will never have the courage
To actually say

And I'm crying as I list
Just how much I miss the little things

And I'm wishing
That my love for you
Could die

But it won't

No matter how much time passed

You're a permanent resident in my heart

I'm breaking from everything

Every bit of love I've ever felt
Was because of you
And I will never love again

Every time I feel close
I think of you
And I know

I know no love
Will ever compare to the first

My first kiss
My first lover
My first fianceé
My first roommate

My first heart break
And every heart break after

And still I would go to you
Fall for you
Fall to you

I will always be yours.

I feel like venom
Like somehow
I poison every relationship

Either they were built
On my poison

Or I made it emerge

Either they use me
Or I leave them

Out of brokenness
Will come more brokenness.

Our whole lives
You've been fighting the love
I've been fighting for it

I can no longer count the times
You've left me
Or ended our relationship

I've known you almost nine years

I know your every expression

I know I am not the right choice

But I would fight for you until the end of time itself

And that's the biggest heartbreak of all

My dedication
And your lack thereof

I think back to when I use to smile

And it was always in your arms

I remember walking in the heat of August

Sweaty palms didn't stop us from holding hands

I remember us venturing in the middle of winter

We walked in the snow
And you were still so warm

I remember the way your whole soul seemed to calm when I rubbed your back

I will always hold our memories

I have tried to erase them

But my dreams won't let me

I wanted to be yours

I would follow you anywhere

And yet

I am alone now

When our old song comes on
I can't bare to listen

Because it hurts so bad
And I remember when you believed in us and it would make you cry

You're choosing your mind over your heart

And I'm left with my heart
Too **** full

And my mind drowning in memories

How do I let you go

I've been asking myself this since we met

Since you asked to be my friend
And I told you this would happen

How do I let you go

Because I know now

It'll never be me

I will never be your final choice.

Are you out there?
I feel you in the distance
Every ounce of me
Is breaking apart

It's been a long time
Since I woke up
Wanting to cry
Because I dreamed of you
Because my mind instantly
Flooded with thoughts of you

Loving you has been
Heartbreaking

But no matter what
No matter how many times
You leave me
Without a goodbye

I think I love you a little more
I may have a masochistic heart.

That girl who everyone loves

Who somehow is friends with everyone

Who everyone calls beautiful and gorgeous

Even when she styles her hair weird

That girl who has dated more guys than hours in the day

And then miraculously finds her one

I don't envy her please do not believe that

It's simply her existence and everyone's complete and utter fascination with her that baffles me

That girl creates a small vortex of hatred in my soul

And I hate her for it

Because she doesn't even realize

Because I don't like to take the time and effort it takes to hate

Because my whole life I've been all about love and it's as though without her knowledge she has tainted me.

It's just that girl...

I don't want to love you
But my heart doesn't understand

I can't have you
The love we once had is gone

When I look in your eyes I almost feel it but then you turn it off without a second thought

I however cannot turn off my emotions or my love

And I hate myself for the weight of my love

And I hate myself for being jealous over what's probably nothing

You're not mine
I cannot get jealous

I need to find someone who loves me but I just can't seem to find anyone but you that I can love

My heart is stupid
My mind is screaming
But I'll still turn up in your bed
Still dream of another life
One where maybe
All my dreams come true.

When you don't want the love that's in your heart

Because you know it's not in theirs

Or better yet when you know what's in your heart

And all you want is for the same love to be in theirs.

I feel so trapped,
Trapped by circumstance
Trapped my my own heart,
My own fears.
My own desires.
Trapped by my life
But life is suppose to be free

I don't feel free

I feel trapped by judgement.
And the opinions of others

Trapped by a future I've lived out
In my head a million times

Trapped by the idea I may not have that future

I just need you to help set me free

Set me free and show me,
Show me what it's like to fly
Show me what it feels like to be loved.