I can't give up
Because for too many years
I've held on
Because despite the differences
In your arms
I smile
My heart beats so hard
I laugh
And I'm nervous
With you I feel understood
Your love supplies this body of mine
I lied dead inside for so long
That this life inhabiting me is
Spectacular
And I don't want you to go
Because though you imagine
A future
I dream of it
Lucid never ending dreams
And I want desperately
For them to be our reality
The world can never understand us
But we understand each other
I love you
And that fact has remained
I never gave up
I just buried it all
But I already dug up the memories
Brought back joyful ones for us to share
I can't expect this to be forever
But I can dream.

The tossing and turning
The fact that my body
Feels like it's burning
The lucid dreams
The tears and broken feelings
Am I A Monster
Or is one living in me
I've locked away the key
Years ago trapped the monster in me
Tried to hide it
For fear it'd control me
But as it emerges once again
All I can do
Is fight it off
With my weapon in hand
And Courage In My Heart.

I feel like the rope
In a long game of tug 'o' war
I'm tearing apart
I'm not as strong as I was
In the beginning
Two sides are pulling me
Back
And
Forth
And Neither side
Seems to be winning
Yet I'm the only one losing
I'm breaking
The more they pull at me
The further I'll stretch
But soon I will break.

Day One Of Two:
I'm crying
Cringing in disgust
For this is me
My horrible weakness
Me in all my broken glory
I have it all
Yet I'm so incomplete
I'm a missing piece
That will never find where it fits
I'm a lone star in the dark sky
I whisper to myself
I tell myself how horrible and worthless I am
How I'm a nothing and always will be.

Day Two Of Two:
I'm floating on air
A miniaturized sun shining bright
I think there's nothing to fear
I have it all
I'm free and ready to fly
Fearless and free
No weight or sorrow lying on me
Smiling at nothing
Just living
Questioning nothing
And just trying to be me.

Notes:
Yeah I'm crazy
Those days
I was experiencing
Something no one believes I have
No one listens to my pleas
No one listens to my horror
They ignore my evidence
Ignore me.

Forever
Can you please
Happen sooner.

Time
Can you move
Just a little faster.

Love
Can you last
A little longer.

Will-power
Please just get
A little stronger.

Emotions
Can you just
Make up your mind.

How can I fix wounds
That are so fresh
That open every time
You tell me I'm your everything
Every time you tell me you love me
You hate him
Because in your mind
He stole me away
And maybe he did
But I never planned it
I thought I was falling in love with you
So I ran
But he got in my way
And because of it
He unleashed an older love
That can never completely die.

Death has me in it's grasp
It's the ol' ball and chain
His bony fingers hold my ankle
I drag him along
He holds on
So close
So enraged
Waiting ever so paitiently
He knows I'm weak
And I'm on edge each day
he is my predator
And I his truest prey
He wants to feed on my soul
And even though I'm weak
Even though I sometimes lie awake
Asking for death to come and take me in my sleep
My heart urges me to live
Even though I'm not strong
Even though I don't want to live very long
I want life
Each day I fight my own fight
And though I do win
The battle never ends
And one day
Death will take me
One day
I will Lose.

I don't care
About the world
About those people
Who want us apart
Try to severe what we have
Because their fools
Who don't know
True love when they see it
We're two souls
Who have truly entwined
Our lives have changed
They have since the moment we met
I always knew
It'd be this way
Or I always hoped
So let's forget the cruel world
Come on it's just you and me.


Always.

Oh my dearest love
You rip my heart apart
And staple it back together
Your sweet words
They make me want to frollick
I'm a lioness
So overjoyed
So hungry
I devour it all
The words
The feeling of your hands entwined in mine
How you say things like
"I love you"
And whisper
So much
Or "Why do you think you aren't perfect?"
You are to me
Oh dearest love
I hope this isn't just a dream
I hope your truly here
That you truly love me
I can dream of us
Together forever
Just like we talked about.

Just like we dreamed.

Never had a daddy
To run to
When some boy
Broke my heart
Never had a father
To walk me down the aisle
Or to spoil me rotten
Never had a dad
To give a card to
On Fathers Day
Never had a dad to
Talk to
Or trust
Nevr had
A father
Who cared.

For years
I was the girl
Not a soul truly desired
But once I accept my fate
Accept my lonely future
I'm tackled by attention
****** desire
and possible relationships
Just as I give up on love
It finds its way to me
It always finds me
And always at the worst point in my life.

I made mistakes
But you must've too
I know you love me
But my love is so much more
It's the truest of trues
We've made such a history
And we can't forget
We can't let it all go
This is our final try
And we're giving it our all
I want it all to be okay
I want you
For as long as you'll have me
Let's make new memories
And wash away every painful one
Let's be
Just You
And Just Me.

You carry my heart
Promised me
You'd never tear it apart
Darling you keep me whole
Always
You have a piece of my soul
You keep me from the brink
Hold me close
My only perfect link
A smile fills my chest
Oh how you feel
So unlike all the rest
We're so strange
And together
I hope that never does change
You lighten my day
And make me believe you'll stay
I love you
I don' know if it's true
But you say you love me too.

I fell for you
So weak to my knees
Butterflies
And the shakes
You left me breathless
Brought me joy
And made everything better
I love you
And you love me
But it never ends the fear
It never puts away my doubt
It doesn't **** my fear
That one day you'll leave me
That one day you'll break my heart.

My heart
It tickles
It seems to grow
Each moment
That you smile
Each second we're close
Oh darling
If you don't go
My heart may explode
You fill me
With this joy
And I simply
Cannot escape
This maze
Of fear and joy
For I fear the joy
And don't  know
Which to turn to
Because I love you
You make me so happy
Oh but darling
I don't deserve you
Oh how your absence scares me.

I knew
The moment
Our eyes met
I'd fall
Madly in
Love with you
Oh how right
I was
To remember
My fear then
Is nothing
Compared to this
My terror to imagine
You leaving
My life
Again
My horror
At the thought
That you can
Break my heart
Again
And again
And I'd
Still
Want you.

I've dreamed
Of our marriage
I've dreamed
Of our son
And how
He'd look
So much
Like you
I've seen us
Together
So happy
And while
Those were
Only dreams
I have a feeling
I have hope
That one day
All my dreams
Will come true.

I've been

Abandoned here

Left to fend for myself

I've been left

I'm now a formation of nothingness

I'm used goods

I'm weak and broken

No one wants me

Not even me

I'm hated by many

And I hate them in return

But it doesn't change that I hate myself most of all

I'm a worthless nothing

I'm just a girl

That grew up to be

A shadow

Of it's true inhabitor

I'm just a human

Who feels the pain

Like a million tons of brick on her chest

Because each breathe I take

Is another moment I'm reluctantly alive

But look at the bright side

Each breathe I take gets me a little closer

To My Ultimate  Demise.

They keep telling me
I haven't been through anything
They keep screaming
How nothing bad has happened
I've had such an easy life
But Listen To My Story
Please listen
I was never my daddy's girl
I still call him by his name
It was always me and my mom
Though all it feels like now is me
I was fat my whole life
That never stopped my problem
Hell it got me made fun of
Put down
Mocked and Used
I'm an easy target
Because since my first love left
I couldn't say no
Oh how my mind and heart ached to scream
I wouldn't move
Just lie there and take it
Let them leave
Just get dressed and go our own ways
I'm a cutter
Always thinking about something sharp
I can't control my ****** thoughts
Even though I only want to with those I love
It's yet to happen
And I'm not so pure
I've stolen from my own mother
I've been with grown men
Not by so much choice
But because the pressure
I've been thinking about my diagnosis
I think I'm Bi polar
I think It'd explain
My lack of control
My depression
My thoughts
But no one listens
They tell me I'm fine
But they don't know
That I when I'm upset
I'm suicidal
They don't know
How each day I wake up
Wishing I didn't have to,ever
They don't know me
No one does
They don't understand
They can't.

So I have trust issues
Blame the people who used me
So I cant get through a day without thinking about death
Blame the people who abandoned me
So I feel worthless
Blame the things that fade
So I'm not the strongest
Blame everyone who brought me down
So my heart isn't whole
Blame the ones who broke it
So I'm messed up
Blame the people who judged me when they never knew me
Or all I've been through.

I awaken
Somehow already
my thoughts drift to you
and I'm thinking
Of our kisses and our bodies close
My mind
Is erupting with thoughts
I toss and turn
Moaning
Whispering your sweet name
Because all I can think
Is how much I love your touch
and how badly I need it
Everywhere
oh how much I wish our bodies
Could collide.

As his hand
Takes mine
I believe his words
When he whispers
"I love you"
I believe
He means it
For our love
Has always existed
But from time to time
It's been buried
For our fear was
Our master
We're breaking free
Breaking rules
And finally
Being
This feeling
Is perfect
And despite both
Of our insecurities
When we see each other
We think only the best
We dream of a future
We hope for
The fear to stay away
And for the love
To just stay
Just this one last time.

How else
Am I to express
My fear
Anxiety
Terror
For
Here I lay
Falling in love
With you again
Here I lay
Imagining
Our marriage
Our child
Our future
How can I express
My fear
That we won't
Survive
That you'll leave me
That you don't want me
How can I explain
How scared I am
To think of my life without
You.

Kiss me
Press me close
Hold me
Hold my hand
Kiss my cheek
Tell me
You love me
My chest
Bursts open
And I'm
Reliving
The past
Reliving
The good
I love you
It scares me
But its true
I hope this works
Hope it
Lasts
I hope
You won't go
Kiss me
And stop all my thoughts
Take me into your soul
And set me free.

I loved you
I did
I promised
I always
Would
But I
Buried it
So I could
Bury the pain
But now
When our lips
Meet
My heart
Flutters
And I
Remember
I believed
You were
My soul-mate
My true love
I believe
Again
And though
I'm scared
Thank you
For just the hope.

Still your
Kiss feels like
No others
It makes
My whole
Body warm
I melt into you
My body
Trembles
As your lips
Are pressed against
Mine
My body
Whispers
"I want more,
Give me more"
I submiss
Getting deeper
Into the motions
And farther
And farther
Away from
The real
World that's
Still going
On around us.

Don't
Don't tell me
I'm stealing
Your heart
When years
Ago you
Stole mine
How am
I suppose
To decide
How am
I suppose
To feel
I promised
You'd always
Have a
Place in
My heart
Always have
A chance
With me
But now
I'm So Confused.

I'll never
Want anything
More
Because wanting
Leads to hurting
The healing process
Is me just
Ignoring the
Tug in my chest
The process
Ensures I
Act carelessly
Toward you
Never Look
Into your
Browns eyes
And
Always
Tell myself
I hate you
Even through
The whispers
Of love that
My heart
Sends to
my ears.

I Hate You


*I Love You.

How can this be
Your the boy who saved me
Yet now you lie
Say your rejection
Made me cry
But I never even made an offer
Never asked you to be mine
I just fell in love
Only hoped for
Friendship
Even when it
Never came
Yet you spread
*******
Like I'm nothing
You once took
Away tears
And brought me joy
Now your just
A silly boy
To high to
Function
To cruel
To be loved
even
By me.


Sorry.

All the
jerks
And users
Who know
They have
no true
Emotions
for me
Are jealous
If you
Of how
You had
me trapped
So in love
It was all I could see
Their jealous
because each time
I refer to you
Feel my body shift
They know
You'll always
mean something
even if your
Not everything
They're just
Jealous.

I don't know you yet
But I love you
You bring me
Laughter and joy
The simple
Idea of our
hands entwined
warms my
Cold heart
I need you
Not just now
But forever
Please just
Be mine
Even if
only for
a little while.

I was okay
when you left
But when I
Discovered you
never did
my heart
Rapidly dug up
All the old
feelings and
Memories
And I was
reminded
That you
Stole my heart
I love you
You rejection
Was never yours
Yet we'll never
be
we were the
Right souls
colliding
At the
wrong time.

Perhaps it's
the sleep
Deprivation
That ignites
My hidden
rage
I awake
Groggy
Go on like
Any other day
But my hate
It emerges
From its
dark corner
My hate
For school
People, words
Education
love
And life
Let me go now
Let me fly printout dreamland
let me
Sleep away
The deep seeded rage.

In my mind
I am Aphrodites daughter
One of many
In our magical lands
We roam
Like wild beasts
Lust and desire
Filling us to no end
We're determined for
Love, ***, and an eternal mate
We search
Occasionally finding one
Or another
Never all
Traits in one
But we grasp
Each one we can
we harvest it
And continue on our
Rampage for eternity



Until we find cupids sons.

You and I
We'll never be
You were my dream
My creation
And yet
Even you
Cannot and
Do not love
Me
I had hope
For our future
For an eternal
Unity
But nothing
In life
Is forever
Not even
us.

For I have known
A lust so strong
That when torn apart
Could tear a already severed heart
Hath I known
I would have strayed
Ran with fright
For the lust
Has me begging
And pleading
And he is not lust worthy
So I am now stranded
Nowhere to go
But filled with desire
Yet I let it be
I let it take all of me.

If I could have you
All would be right
In this horrendous world
All would become brighter
The darkness fading
To know the feeling
Of your lips on mine
Would surely brighten
All the stars in the sky
If we were to entwine hands
The crops of this Earth
Would grow and prosper
Right beside us
If you were mine
And I was yours
The world would be
A much better place.

The moment
Our eyes meet
We smile
Wide and
Glorious grins
We get close
Our eyes never
Parting
And we
Silently
Say
"Hello "
And my heart
Jumps
In
Utter victory
For another
Beautiful moment
Was shared
Between
You and I.

Filled With all memories
Tortured with the glimpse
Of what was
All that made me strong
Making me weak
I stand only for my individuality
Break at every turn
Because it takes me down a notch
They compliment
And tease
But worries are not yet at ease
For the soul I bare
Has love to share
And it is stuck in the motions
Of which are true emotions
They all blend
And I get lost in the truth and the lies
And So I Bow My Head
And simply give up
There are no more tears to be cried.

Your stronger than this
But your not
It was all his game
But it felt like you were winning
You can't hold on
But you don't know how to let go
You can't believe
But that's all you've done
You need to bury the memories
You already dug them up
You can just ignore him
But you don't want to
You hate him*
But you love him more

It's those brown eyes
That have me trapped
In the realm of love
They took my soul
Left me this empty being
I need my soul back
But I fear what those
Brown eyes will take next
They already have
Everything
I can offer.

This body is a jail
I don't belong to it
Don't feel right
I get lost in my mind
Can't understand
How everything is in ruins
This is me
But only my body
There's another girl
Hidden inside of me
She's just too scared
To come out

The moment you entered the room
I felt a pull
My eyes couldn't be removed
I had a connection with you
Didn't know then all you'd mean
Each day we'd stare
Sometimes smile
Always getting closer
So close my skin warmed
From the heat radiating from you
But the world
Broke through our perfection
And slowly we broke apart
You distanced yourself
Broke my barely whole heart
I'll never forget
I'll never give up
Because I realize now
I loved you all along.

Maybe it's all the ****
You smoke and sell
That made you go
From the boy who
Laughed with me
Talked to me
And cared for me
To the boy who
Laughs at me
Talks about me
And doesn't care if I live or die
I blame the **** for
Killing the sweetness
And replacing you
With your evil side.

I wanted you
With every beat
And thump of my heart
I loved you
Maybe I still do
My chest jumps
And aches
As it sees you
I wince in agony
Every time I look into your eyes
And I see a boy who changed
I can still see the one I loved
Peeking through
If only he'd stay.

You encourage me
Make me smile
Cause tears to fade
Warm my heart
With perfect hugs
You mean so much to me
I fear each day
Because we near the end
We get closer to the day
Where you'll be gone
And then there will be
Another missing part of me.

I took her hand
Looked her in the eyes
And whispered
"It's you"
She looked ay me
Came close
Ran her hand through
My hair
And kissed me
And it was the
Best kiss of my life
In that moment
I knew
She'd always be mine
And I'd always be hers.

You kiss me
My forehead
My nose
My cheek
My neck
And lips
Whisper
"I love you"
Ask me if
I love you
No emotions
Pass through me
Just pleasant
Happiness
In your arms
So I know
The truth
I love another
So no
I don't love you
I just love being with you
So knowing your
Words
Are just to please me
Pleases me.

Your ignorance
My acknowledgement
Your glance
My stare
Your glorious gaze
My fight to ignore
Our eyes meet
You smirk
I walk away
Put my head down
And smile
Because
In your smirk
I saw the boy
I loved
Once more