I've written 1,762 poems
1,763 now
And I guarantee
At least 1,725
Are about you
I've written
Hundreds of thousands
Of words
All dedicated to you
All about you.

I have known you
Approximately 2,555 days of my life

Each day spent knowing you
Was like watching a rainbow

It was created from sun and rain
Beauty and coldness

For every day that I knew you

I have cared

I have wanted you to smile

For the 2,555 days of my life
That I spent knowing your name
And your sparkling eyes

I have thought of you

Never a day has or will pass
That I will not think of you.

Why couldn't you love my temporary tattoos
Or my make up
Why couldn't you stand my dream catchers

They were a part of me

Weird ole me

Why couldn't you love

Every bit of me?

But what if
Maybe
Just maybe
I can never let you go

What if I still breathe
In the smell of your shirt
That I am so mad I washed

What if I miss you in bed at night
And the feeling of you hugging me
In your sleep

What if I want you forever

But simply can never have you
Because you want me to be
Your ***** little secret

You've erased me from your life
But you're still everywhere I look
In everything I hear
In everything I love in this world

No one will ever love me

Even if you only loved me in pieces
Even if you couldn't forgive me
Or trust me

I want to take back so much
Crawl out of my own skin

How can I erase the good
If it makes me smile
How can I erase the bad
If it makes me laugh to look back on

We were always crazy

Perfectly imperfect together

There will never be anyone like you

There will never be another man

Who can reach into my soul
And make me love them the way
That I loved you

You loved me even while you hated me

I want you to be happy still

Because someone here has to be
I had so much happiness with you
But you didn't want to choose me
Not with all your heart

Not like I needed you to.

Dear knife,
It's been three years since I've held you
And felt you on my skin
But please know
I'm still thinking of you
Of the bittersweet feeling
Of holding you
Feeling you slice into me
It's been a long time now
But I still want to pull you out
Of your neatly kempt drawer
And have you just one more time.

If a man whom I could love
Is to hug me
I hug him
Shaking with the fresh fear
Of everything that could be
Everything I know never will
And I grab his shirt in my hands
Holding oh so tight
I never want to let go
His shirt in my hand
His smell in my nose
And most of all his arms around me
Why on Earth would I ever want to leave that?

I grew weary of heart break
Of being hidden
Being not quite enough

I was not asking you to choose
I was asking you to accept me

And after all these years

You still couldn't just love me

You just couldn't promise me you wouldn't break my heart again.

Every day that I will live

Is another day I will love you.

Wiped clean the slate of mistakes

Starting anew

A wisp of wonderous change

Being yours

Is what I do best.

The chances of me having children

Are so slim my womb aches

But alas my dreams

Oh in my dreams

The chances multiply

And anything is possible.

I remember the first time
I showed you my stomach
And I was so scared
And when I first saw your bare ***
And you were so shy
I remember the first time I ate in front of you
And that I was so anxious
And I remember the first time
We slept in the same bed
And the time we ditched school
And played cards at the mall
I remember so many firsts
Like when we kissed
Or made love
I remember too much
And far too little.

Winter is hard
Because I see you in the sunrise,
I see you in the sunset,
And in the snow,
I feel you when I put my hoodie on
When I walk in snow
To nowhere special
I miss you when the bed gets cold
And I can hear you
Telling me to turn off the heat
I can feel you coming to hold my hand
Because I'm cold
And you never are
I taste you in the coffee you made me like
I taste you in the tears I shed
I hate Winter
Because you're not here for it.

Every other man
Who tries will fail
Because they cannot
Love me with all their hearts
The way you loved me with only
One fourth of yours
They cannot kiss me
Like I am supplying oxygen
And the need me to breathe
They cannot make my heart
Do back flips on good days
And clench on bad days
They cannot comapre
And that scares me.

We have been falling in and out of love
All to often my dear

The rollercoaster we're on
Has finally derailed
And it crashed
You jumped out
I stayed on

The ride is over
Oh how I would love to get back on.

The infinite problem with moving on
Is that you were my first love

The problem is I can be dangling
In a smile and the thought of you
It creeps in and it hits me

I miss you and every moment
I mess up way too much
And you and I will never be again
But I miss your kisses
I miss your smile
Your love making
Your laughter
The way you could annoy me
And make me love you more
All at once
I miss the feeling of leaning into you
Grabbing onto your shirt
Even though you didn't like it
I miss the way you looked at me
Like I was your world
I miss looking back
Knowing I loved you too
I miss the comfort
Of being able to eat in front of you
I miss the being able to hold my head
So high when I was naked with you
Because regardless of every mark
You loved every bit of me
I miss the simplicity
I miss the complexity
I miss everything
But I have to wave goodbye
Wave goodbye to every dream
That I had for us.

I still call out your name at night
Still look at the TV imagining you playing video games

Still talk to God about you
Still pray for you

I still don't use your drawers
I leave them empty

Things are all around me
But the room still feels empty

I still miss you

I remember when we met
In that alleyway
And I kissed you
And my collapsed soul
Was reflated
When I fell in love
All over again
When I wanted you
Wanted you forever
And nearly cried
Because of my fear
That I couldn't have you
I remember kissing you
Because it was
The perfect kiss

We kissed with passion
We kissed with all of our hearts
We kissed like our lips were made for each other.

I was born an unhappy girl

In an unhappy existence

And when we came together

When you're eyes met mine for the very first time

I knew of happiness

And suddenly it was swiped away

And I fell

And I cracked

I lost everything

I messed up as a young girl

Because that's what I was

An unhappy girl

Who had life dangle

All her hopes and dreams

Before snatching them away

So when I saw your eyes for the second time

I had already fallen all over again

And I say again because you were right

I couldn't love you that time apart

Because I couldn't love me

Because you can't love a person

When you spend days wishing for death

So when I fell in love with you

For the second time

I was scared

Terrified of you leaving

And even though you left again

I will not break like I once did

Because your still out there

In the distance

And a girl with a dream

Is a fighter

A girl who dreams of a boy

With brown eyes that sparkle just for her

So as you inch away I'll inch closer

Because let me tell you

Past present and future

We have something infinitely strong

And completely undeniable

I still believe God paired us

Because a God with mercy and love

Blessed me with a heart

Able to love you until the end of time

And I do not believe He squanders love

So I won't either.

I linger in the pain

Turning my chest to charcoal

You use to reside on my lips

Now lipstick goes unsmeared

And a smile not shown

You use to reside beside me

Now my hand is empty

My feet cold

My bed vacant

My laughter unheard

My beauty dissipated

And overall

You use to reside in my happiness

Now I am only half of what was once

A whole.

As I teetered between between being sleep and consciousness I felt your arm wrapped around me like fairy dust that was left behind because when I was jolted awake by this feeling I knew I'd turn around and you, you wouldn't be there.