She cannot count
The number of times
She has wanted to kiss him
But simply did not out of fear

She cannot count the number of
I love you's she has kept in
Believing he would never feel the same

She cannot count
How often she thinks of his eyes
And the way he makes her smile

She cannot count
The number of times
She had hope for more

Only to be swayed by his own words

She cannot count
The number of people
Who say they are more
Because he's insisted they aren't

She can only count
On the way her heart freezes at his touch
Or the way she smiles at just a glance

She counts now, all the little actions,
That make him both a gentleman,
And a savage,
A beautiful savage.

She held her cold lifeless body,
Swearing tonight would be the last she spent alone,
Knowing when she awoke,
She'd put on her fake smile,
Pretend everything was okay,
She faked so well she almost believed it,
She gathered her things,
And drove,
Crying along the way,
All alone in the car,
Because no one would see her there,
No one would wonder why,
She parked,
Wiped her make up smears away,
Put her fake smile back on,
And she got out of her car,
Whispered to herself:
You have to try, even if you feel like you're failing.

These words will not resonate within your soul
The way they have for me all these years,
When I was born, I knew little of love,
I was a baby, practically fatherless,
I struggled as a child, because something wasn't right,
I wasn't all right, you see somewhere deep down
That little girl that was me, she knew all along what she wanted,
It was a forever, as a child she believed she wanted a forever family,
As she grew up and learned what romance and love was,
She knew she was wrong before,
The cause of my great dissatisfaction in life, was simply,
I had not met the man I was suppose to be with,
This great discovery was at the age of 8,
When I knew only of puppy love,
I grew angry that life could have failed me,
Because I knew the feeling,
The constant tugging in my chest wouldn't stop,
So when I turned 11,
I believed I had found love,
And when I lost it only a year later,
My soul collapsed in on itself,
Not because I lost the person I loved,
But because I knew it would never be the same,
I knew, I had my one chance and lost it then,
When he later returned to my life,
The love boiled in my soul,
Comforting me,
Allowing me to enjoy life for small moments,
I had something real once upon a time,
He torched it all though,
Shattered my hopes at love,
Left me feeling so empty and so full all at once,
Love is my life,
It has always been,
I started looking for a partner at 3,
Here I am 15 years later,
Still looking, my journey never ending,
For no man has yet to hold me within their souls,
As I have placed others,
I cannot be loved,
And I wonder sometimes if God cursed me
Or if it was the devil,
How can a girl have such a large capacity to love,
And never be loved,
I have wondered all my life,
Why is it so easy to leave me,
To call me amazing or beautiful,
But to never love me,
To cheat my heart,
To break my soul,
Can't anyone see,
My life is nothing without someone to love,
I was born to love,
I was born out of lust and mistake,
But in the end, it created a big hearted woman,
Love has kept my skin from tearing open,
Without it, I am nothing,
My body does not deserve to live if my soul cannot be happy,
Will I ever find the one,
Most likely not,
But I will love all the wrong ones along the way.

All those years we were together
All those times you thrusted into me

You were always wanting more
Wanting anyone and everyone else

You stopped appreciating me

I was just there because I was

Attainable

Always attainable

And you felt like you owed me

Like somehow

Giving it to me every night

Would make up for the fact

That you couldn't stay faithful

Or that it would seem like you loved me

Like somehow being there

Would erase all the bad things

They didn't though

They still linger in my past

Where you now reside

And I'm not going back.

My internal wounds
Cut so deep
That the blood chokes me

The feeling of a wave crashing onto me
And yet no wave in sight

The weight of love and heartbreak
Held in my little hands
As though I was ever strong enough
To even lift them

The crushing of hopes and dreams
Which tortures the soul
And leaves my mind scrambling

I am searching now
For my cure all
And cursing myself
That the cure is a man's love

For it is harder to find
Than a piece of hay dust
In a stack of needles.

He
Yes he is like
The waves
That make me smile to see
He is the sparkle
In an animals eye
He is the beauty
In every raindrop
You see
He is wonderous
Like the wind
On a warm day
Or the sun's rays
On a cold day.

The first time you hugged me

I thought I could tell you anything

But now I know

I can never tell you

Those five little words

I can never tell you

I'm in love with you.

I hate myself
Because I love those
Who can never love me

Because somehow
I always do what's wrong
Instead of right

Because in the end
I'm the one left alone
Crying

Holding only myself.

I need a hug
And not just any hug

One of those tight
Concerned hugs
That say
It will be okay

One of those hugs
That make you feel
Like you can let all the tears
Just fall.

Someone asked if I miss you
I said no

Then cried my eyes out

Because I do miss you

Because even when we were crashing

Crashing down like

Falling stars

You would hold me

And tell me

Even though

You were leaving me

You loved me

Because somehow

You were always able

To break my heart

And kiss it better all at once.

I thought about you
Just last night
And how we made love
One last time
And the way you wanted me
Had to have me
Like suddenly
Your ****** desires
Had been awakened
I remember the way you licked me
Like you were sorry you hadn't
For all those months
Like your tongue was spelling
Sorry into my skin
If I had known
That would be my last kiss
From you or anyone
I wouldve asked you
To swallow the ham sandwich
Just a little better
Or for you to kiss me
Just a little longer
Had I known
Or had I believed
The look in your eyes
We would still be
But alas I had finally learned
No matter how much you
Say you love me
You will still leave me
You will still
Say I'm not quite good enough
Had I known that I would never
See you again
I still would've held you closer
And rubbed your back
Or run my fingers through your hair
I would've begged for you to accept me
To just love me
But I was shattered when we made love
That's why I cried after
Because I knew
Deep down
I knew
I would lose
The one man I loved
Forever
I knew he would never
Hold me again
As I nestled my body into him
I just,
I knew.

You scare me
No, you terrify me

With every touch
With every word
With every smile
Or heartfelt care
I am terrified
More and more

Because don't you know
Loving is terrifying
Because heartbreak
Is the scariest thing
That I have ever known

Because it brings more darkness
Than a starless night

More darkness than
When you shut your eyes tight

You see you terrify me
Because you are everything
I have hoped for.

Her life had been built
Purely to love
To love with everything she is

But her greatest fault
Was that no one
Could ever love her back

So she took the smiles
The friendship
The closeness

Always knowing
No man
Would hold her

Love her

Give her what she has given him
Courage to be themseleves
The ability to feel special

She cannot be loved
But that cannot stop her
From loving.

No one will ever
Love me

I do not say that
In a negative way
Just in the sense
That it is something
That I have come to accept

No one will love my words
My heart
My soul
My body
The way I smile
Or the way that I laugh
They will not love
The curls of my bedhead
Or the way I sing off note
Or my love of every little odd thing
No one will love my secrets
My baggage
My past
No one will accept me
As I am
They will not hold my hand
With pride
Or kiss me for the world to see
Because no one
No one
Will ever love me.

You're right
You're the reason
I didn't **** myself
As a 18th birthday gift
To myself

But never forget
You're the reason
I'm here now
Crying
Waiting
For you to still just be
The best friend
You promised you would
Always be

When we were apart
We nearly killed ourselves

When we were together
We barely breathed life into each other

Now it's fair to say
We can not be here nor there

For us
We don't belong anywhere.

I won't apologize
For standing my ground
For the first time all these years
I will say I'm sorry I expected more
That I assumed you would
Actually fight for me
We were suppose to marry
And we were suppose to hold
Little spence or serenity
Suppose to argue over
Santa and the tooth fairy
Somehow we lost it all
All that's left is the duffle bag
In what was our room
In the end
I missed you
Because you had checked out
6 months prior to leaving
Slowly we died
Our dreams melted away
And I stood in the puddle of it
You stopped calling me beautiful
Started insulting the way I dressed
You stopped kissing me
And got angry when I asked
You stopped making love
And wondered why I cried
You stared at the television
As you thrusted into me
Emotionaless
Did you love me then?
Do you now?
Because even though
I hate what happened
What we became
I still remember
The day we ditched school
With no money
And explored
And I was freezing
So you offered me your leather jacket
That was always too small for me
I remember kissing in snow
Rain
And sunshine
I remember the way you wanted me
The hunger in your eyes all consuming
I remember the way
You held me
The way you laughed
And dreamed of fatherhood
I remember us in love
And I wonder
How could something
We fought so long for
Suddenly not work
How could you hold me
That night
Only to wake up
And leave me
How could you leave me
When all my life
I have asked for you to stay.

I covered my brokenness
In some mud
Because they say it helps heal

I am *****
And I am gritty

But no
I am not broken

I have buried the pieces
In the mud

I have yelled for them to heal

And they did not listen

Until a gentle stranger came along

And whispered to them

Heal because you are beautiful

And I was whole again

I was me

And I thanked the stranger

For he saved me.

You are perfect in every fiber of your being

You quoted Forest Gump,

Sang the pokemon theme song with me,

You are my best friend now

I do not want to lose you

But I'm not allowed to have best friends

You see

I get lost in their smiles

Hypnotized by their eyes

And the way they call me cute things

Like pumpkin pie

We make wishes at 11:11 together

And we wish each other sweet dreams

But can't you see I have to wish only

That I don't fall for you

Because you won't fall for me

I have to dream that anything is possible

Because you make me smile more

Than I knew I was capable of.

You broke me
I came begging for you back

You broke me
I came begging for you back

Over and over again
The cycle never ending

We had a solid year
Without shattering

So that final blow
When you packed your stuff
And broke my heart

Ended it all
All the years I spent on my knees
Begging for you to love me

It stopped
I had fallen out of love

Stopped believing you were my soul mate
Because the metal rope
That bound you to me
Had finally been severed

I gathered my broken bits
And told myself

I don't need a man
Who cheats because he doesn't trust me
I don't need a man who gave up on kisses
Gave up on making love
Gave up on respecting my choices

And maybe starting over is hard
And maybe I won't find another man

Who looks at me the same way you use to
Or that kisses me like you use to
Or that even calls me beautiful the way you use to do

Maybe I'll be alone

But that's better than being with a man
Who can't truly love me
Than being with a man who chooses to leave
Chooses to break me

Maybe I won't always be happy

But I'll be strong
I am a woman
And I will be strong.

I am a flawed woman
Head to toe
Inside and out
I am imperfect
So I do not believe
I get the perfect guy
I do not get my happy ending
Because I am flawed
Because a man has yet
To grab me by the wrists
Shaking them as he stares me in the eyes
And tell me all the reasons I am perfect
I have yet to be told
I love you with an open heart
With full commitment
I am imperfect
And I am a woman
I am a hopeless romantic
And I still dream of this man
I still wonder
Are you ever going to be him?

She fell into him
And he grabbed her
Held her by the hips
Looked her in the eyes
And kissed her

She kissed him back
Her heart fluttering

Her soul taking off on possibilities

He pulled away,
Chuckled at her rosy cheeks

Thinking it was one of the things
That he adored about her

He wanted to be hers

She smiled
And looked him in the eyes
For the very first time

He looked back

And finally they saw

All their lives
They have been waiting
For a person

To make them feel this way
Effortlessly.

Exhale

She collapses in on herself finally

Defeated

At last they have broken her

The proud woman

The strong woman

She has faltered

At last

They have ****** the love from her lungs

And she *exhales

The dust of brokenness escapes her lungs

She has withered now

And so the world

Will never know

How wonderful

How strong

Love can truly be.

No, she does not believe in fairy tales
She's not delusional,
She knows fairies aren't real
She knows a frog won't really become a prince
She knows, she really does

But she does believe in love,
She believes there is love stronger
Than the hearts capacity
That love is not held in one place
But in all of someones being,
She believes in true loves kiss
She believes in a happy ending for herself
Even if it may come with struggles

So no she does not believe in fairy tales
She believes in the love that they can inspire in someone.

And she watched

As each one of her dreams

Came c r a s h i n g
D
    O
        W
             N
Around her

And all she had left was the dust

Of a fallen star

She once wished upon.

"Beautiful"

One word and just like that
I am broken into two

Do not call me something so wondrous
If you feel anything less than love for me

Do not use such a heart-warming word
If you do not mean it with every bit
Of your soul

Do not call me that
Unless you have held me
Kissed me
And declared
That we will always be.