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You're woven into my subconscious

I cannot wake up fast enough

Cannot blink away your image quick enough

I cannot escape.
Let's pretend for a moment that I don't have a hormonal imbalance.

My mother was there for me but never emotionally

My father was never there for me at all

My first friend died when I was only seven

My first love broke my heart every way imaginable

So when I tell you food is the only thing that has been there for me, in ups and downs; understand that's why I am fat.

I have had nothing but food to rely on in my darkest times

Food is my mother, father, friend. Food is there for me when love isn't.
Addiction is a hard thing to overcome

Especially when it's a person

When the waves of nostalgia wash over me

I can't help but let out a sigh of relief

I relish in the past

In the things I can only scarcely remember

And yet that meant so much to me once

I don't know if it's chemical or I'm just insane

But I still have to peel myself away from those memories

Stop myself from reaching out

Because there's no turning back from the next hit and I refuse to start again

I refuse to let myself be broken by another person again.
I still pine
       for what I’ve lost
               the promise and

I still search my memory
                for hidden fragments
                                 of that treasure.

     Time has covered
                some of them in
                            shadows of nostalgia.

     But the flaming pain
                        still brightly burns and
                                      tears will not extinguish it.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record.  Healing much too slowly.
How do I tell you

That you broke my heart

That you shattered me so completely

That I thought about hurting myself

That you made me hate myself.
I feel like I've been living in a glass box all this time

And you just threw every rock you could find.

I'm bleeding.

The glass is shattered.

I don't know if the box can be rebuilt.
  Oct 2022 Victoria Jennings
I only write,
I am in love
Falling apart.
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