I should be asleep.

Instead I'm lying in my bed crying

Thinking of all things left unsaid

Of all the feelings cut short

So many mistakes made

And no way to sort out these feelings

It feels as though the last page of my story has been ripped out

I don't know how I keep going each day

It hurts to breathe

But it hurts to imagine stopping

How can I feel loved for the first time in my life

And still not feel good enough

Still feel like just a thing to be used as a convenience

I feel like there's no fixing the tattered pieces of my soul.

I've never given anything away as much as I have my body

Grin and bare it

Maybe if I make noise it'll be over faster

Maybe if I close my eyes hard enough I'll fall asleep

Maybe I can convince myself I want this.

Maybe is never enough.

I'm in a bad mood today

And sometimes I think you're the only one who knows how to fix it

But I would never reach out

Not after all the pain

And I know you

You'll probably never speak to me again.

So I'm at a standstill

Just waiting for this day to be over.

Being loved totally and completely is such a strange feeling

It's such a revelation to have someone always willing to put you first

Someone who makes you love yourself.

Maybe I don't wanna die

But I certainly don't want to be alive either.

My body was "beautiful" while you were inside of me

But when it just was
You'd ask when would I lose the weight

My **** were just fine when they were in your mouth

When they weren't you'd ask when I would get a **** job to "even them out".

You'd tell me I was perfect
But " I'd be a real knock out" if I just worked on myself.

I still somehow told myself you loved me.

I had another dream of you
The bane of my existence

We had become friends again
And even in my dream state I knew what that meant

It meant I would love you again
In such a way that I would break every ounce of my own heart to do

I was so little when we met
And so naive
I believed we would be like a romance movie

Now I know better
And still my subconscious betrays me.