Victoria Jennings

Victoria Jennings Dec 2020

.Friendship.

Is a line my heart can't help but cross

The more time that passes

The more my heart wants

The more time that passes

The more I have to deny.

I cannot love like that anymore.

Victoria Jennings Nov 2020

Cavern

They say it's unhealthy to hold in your emotions

But what about memories

What if I bury them so deep inside of me that the cavern of my soul let's me forget all the bad things that have ever touched me

It's better to live in a blissful denial

Every so often light shines inside the darkness, urging me to remember as if remembering will heal these wounds

These scars that have molded into my pores and become one with me

There is no erasing them only accepting

In my sweet blissful lies I tell myself I can live with my truths.

Victoria Jennings Nov 2020

Not Quite Hate

It's not that I hate you
It's I hate the way it all played out

I hate that I felt used
I hate that I had felt hope

I hate that you ruined everyone else for me

I hate that I can't love someone that same way I loved you

Like the world was gonna crash down around me without your kiss

I hate that you still make me rethink every choice I make

Is it morally sound
Is it logical
Will I regret it right after

You did so much damage
Even during the parts you weren't even in my life

The emptiness of not having you then made me do so many bad things

The absolute dread of the day to day without you use to drive me crazy

That's one thing that's improved
I know how to live without you

I know how to miss you and not love you

I know how to hate you and not hate you all at once

You're the start to my story
Even if it was already in the middle

Reading the story of my life is like reading a book that isn't very interesting until a few chapters in and then you can't help but keep reading to see how it ends. The exciting parts are where you stepped in and then finally out.

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

The cries of battle

I've built a wall so tall
I'm not even sure how to tear it back down

I've blocked out so much pain

Buried it deep inside

Tried to wash away the blood

Now that I'm stronger I'm trying to figure it out

How to unearth these deep wounds

Break down my walls

And remember my pain

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

The Dark Corners We Hide In

Sometimes I question pouring myself out

Telling someone every bad thing

Every nightmarish part of me

I want them to tell me I'm strong

I want them to pity me just a little

I want them to try to heal these scars

I want to tell you every dark crevice of my soul

And tell me it's okay.

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

Bad Habits

I think I'm still trying to fill all these wounds

Each bullet from another traumatic event

Fill them up

Fill them with things I know

Are just as bad for me

But if they hurt less than the bullets

They must be okay

Right?

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

Mistress she is

I don't think I know love

You see,

For the entirety of my life

I was so sure

I was positive I knew her

I knew her inside and out

I knew she was beautiful and kind

But I feel like the fairytale just shattered before my eyes

Like this painting I've spent my life working on has just been doused

I thought I knew love

I thought she was my friend

More than that I thought she was life, air, I thought she was a necessity

But as I grow and age

I begin to wonder if it isn't love I need

Just the warmth of a body

Of a hug

After hours of crying

Just a kiss

After a day long headache

I wonder if love knows

She isn't perfect

If she knows how many days are spent yelling and arguing

There's this bitterness to life that I never anticipated

And I still don't think my body has quite learned how to process it

Maybe one day I'll learn

Maybe one day I'll understand love

Maybe.