Fathers leave.
You know sometimes you can let it go, sometimes you can't.
Do you remember that night the thunder shook the apartment?
I was five; and i thought the lightning was so bright i thought the world was on fire.
i'm all under my covers, crying and you came flying into the room and peek under the covers and decide to make it a game.
you said the lightning was the northern lights.
you made that entire night an adventure until the storm passed.
and i woke up the next morning, and it was a sunny day.
don't you remember that?
"no. i don't."
that's because it never happened.
the storm happened, but you didn't.
Fathers leave.

i just.... wish
i could finally say "i'm okay"
i just wish i could go away
honestly i wish i was never born the world could have done fine without me.
everything would have been fine without me.
you wouldn't have to worry
i wouldn't have to suffer
i wouldn't have to fight to breathe
or live
or see
i could just sleep...
forever

"CALM DOWN!" she yells
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!" I yell back
she storms off, leaving me there,
I fall to the ground and calmly look at my scars.
I sigh deeply. "why? "
She walks back and responds "What do you mean why?!"
"Why do I exist what gave you the idea? hmm? why didn't you just have me aborted, that's all i needed..."
She looks at me shocked.
I smile softly
"E-Ella..."
I look up, slowly putting my hand up to my mouth.
"shh..."
I grab the knife and push it into my stomach.
"n-no!" I hear faintly
I see her and smile before the darkness absorbs me.

WARNING
WARNING
WARNING
SUICIDAL CONTENT
DEPRESSING CONTENT

Hi my name Is A.H.
i'm a gender fluid human,
i'm trying to be happy...
honestly mom I really am,
i'm trying to get my grades up,
i'm trying to pull myself together,
i'm trying...
But the littlest things seem to stress me out,
Like school,
Or coming home,
sometimes I don't want to come home.
Yeah i'll admit it I love you,
But you drive me crazy,
Everyday is a ******* fight!
I just wish i could die sometimes!
haven't you noticed my scars?!
Haven't you seen my smile...
to tell that it's all a fake...
I love you...
But i sure as hell don't love the things you do.

I'm happy your able to see my smile,
I'm happy you can't tell it's fake,
I'm happy your stars align calmly in your sky,
I'm in love with you,
sorry...
Sorry i'm a simple mess,
Sorry i couldn't confess,
Sorry i'm losing my mind,
Sorry i'm wasting all your time,
I insist you go...
cya around I guess.

I'd awoken near a calming sea,
Everything that i'd seen had been swept away,
The waves crash against my paralyzed body,
"He left me here..." I say softly.
I scream out in rage but only hear myself,
I'd been stuck there for years,
all by myself,
He was not the one to leave me,
He was not the one to leave it was all my own fault,
I calmly sit her as the sea splashes against my rock.
"I need to love myself." I say; As all my happiness slowly drifts away,
I close my eyes and drift to sleep,
Always calmly counting sheep,
He had gone but i was fine he was ready to leave this lifetime.
The birds go on above my sky, singing soft lullabys,
I miss him as he does I,
He left and so will I,
Though it will be a while before I die. So for now I shall say goodbye.

Dear dad,
you make my life hell,
you don't know if i'm feeling well,
I tell you i'm fine,
All you say is okay,
You don't try to dig deep,
You'd rather stay on the surface,
Where you are save,
Because you don't see the world like i do,
In fact you don't see anything but a mirror image of yourself,
Someone that is "amazing",
well news flash,
your not amazing,
your the worst person I know,
I hate that you think i'm a lie,
I am no lie,
maybe your the lie,
the only reason I thank you,
Is because you brought me into the world,
other than that you ******* ****.
Good bye.
Maybe you'll soon learn your mistakes.

I never thought of this,
But what do you see in me?
My eyes open my soul,
The soul is dark and sad,
My eyes show happyness,
For that is a lie,
I guess it happend a long time ago,
i didn't know what to do,
What to say,
Or what to expect,
I guess....


I needed something...
Fulfilling...
Something that wasn't the best way to handle it,
So I left scars on my body,
The blood was dark,
Warm,
Relaxing

I went to far,
I can't go back,
I guess...
I just wanted you to know,
I feel worthless sometimes,
And I can't decide who I am,
These scars are me,
They took over everything,
My brain,
My heart,
My soul,
I'm no longer in control...

I need to go,
But just so you know,
I'm okay,
Even if the rain will go on for days,
Storms pass,
But my scars last,
Forgive me if you can.

For a while...
I didn't know a thing,
i couldn't feel emotion,
even if i tried,
nothing came of it,
I hurt myself to feel better,
i still feel the urge,
I feel alone...
so alone,

ALONE
ALONE
ALONE

i don't see the world as some magical place...
I certainly don't like the human race.

Frozen Fracture,
Paused in frame,
Simple as can be,
With such an empowering name,
Frozen hearts of cold and dispar,
Fractures of lost life,
Because we wasted time,
Trying to save what was long gone,
Frozen Fractures,
Lost in time,
Close your eyes,
And let the Frozen Fracture unwind.

Hey, I heard that you weren't doing the best... So I'm here to say you're okay I know it's feels like the world is crumbling down and like your feet won't ever touch the ground. But just so you know I've been there. I understand that the world feels like it's going to explode that your head feels like it's not yours that your body feels that it's not yours. And I know the world seems full of judgement and Hate. But that's just something we have to ignore and let disintegrate. Why do you get so happy when you look into my eyes cuz I don't understand. What are you seeing me that's so **** important. Why do you look into my eyes and tell me you're beautiful and handsome I don't understand! I grew up somewhere where I wasn't appreciated... I grew up where I was taunted for how I act. I was always told that my singing wasn't good enough or I didn't draw very well I was told that I didn't matter basically. But I'm telling you now here before you I do matter! So when you tell me that nobody loves you and that I don't matter I want to tell you that that's not true. I love you and I'm not nobody. And just so you know I've got a lot more life to go and even though the world says f* you I keep moving on. And today I left all my teachers I told them that they meant a lot to me that they were a big inspiration for me to get this far in life but I never expected it to be so hard to see them go to walk away from them. Because they were like my family. And I guess... I'll miss them a lot. There are so many people that Inspire us to strive to be our best. And all I wanted to do was protest because I didn't feel that I could do my best because I was so down low that best was not even a word in my vocabulary. My world has taken a Skydive to Rock Bottom I don't see the clouds anymore I was on cloud nine it was beautiful up there. And now here I am scars on my arms and legs from battle wounds because I fought myself. I understand this might be hard but believe me dear you'll make it out alive and some of us don't. But that's because we didn't try. I know you see the world a way that I cannot fathom. But when I see that face I can think of is why would you want to leave the human race and growing up I guess I couldn't tell. But here I am now telling you you'll be okay.

-Sincerely Me

I understand you people think I'm doing fine and I think I'm doing great and you all people think I just want to disintegrate because I do. I don't see why being mean became a thing or not moving on with it was our only chance because I don't see that in you. I see something that could have been born out of nothing. I see something that could be born from the heavens from the stars from the sky. I see something I can't move on from and everybody tells me to move on. But I can't! I don't know what you see in me that's so important I don't understand why you think the world is a beautiful place. Because all this world wants to do is make me realize that I don't belong in this place. I think the people of this world really don't understand how I feel because they told me to move on but I can't. Because when I look into those eyes I see a disguise that is not me I don't see me. So tell me to move on go for it but I'm too far gone to realize that that's what you're telling me. So move on.

Hello World,
I'm opening my emotions to you,
Opening my soul to you,
Opening my eyes to you,
The window to my lies,
My scars,
My ties,
And my hope,
Here you go,
I no longer want these things,
You may have them,
somedays I see no point in staying here with you World,
Even though I couldn't leave the others,
I apologize for scaring myself,
And buliding lies so high that that's all I am now,
I lied,
To you...
And everyone else too,
So forgive me,
You no longer need me,
But i'll stay,
Good day.

I feel fine,
No i'm kidding I lied,
I don't feel,
I feel lied to,
I'm liying to myself,
shhh,
it's a secret,
I am fine,
I feel fine,
I'm telling white lies.

Words,
Are harmful,
and painul,
they infutrate my brain,
haunt me in my sleep,
For I am not a girl,
I am a man,
weather I have genitals of female or male,
I identify as me,
these handprints on the walls spoken of my past,
the past I don't want to think of,
the rain falls,
no more lies,
or crystal *****,
I am me,
here and now,
he, him, his
not
she, her , her's
so forget it,
FORGET WHO I WAS,
I'M NOT HER...
not any more,
she's dead,
not living,
I don't see her in me,
so leave me be...
plase,
words don't hurt,
they cut deep,
make my mind bleed in my sleep.

He built a cage,
Of ribs and skin,
And promptly locked a lion in,
It seemed barbaric,
To contain a beast,
For surely on his heart it'd feast,
But contrary wise,
The lion was smart,
And lived in his chest,
To protect his heart....

The lion said it could not be contained any longer,
He clawed at the beating heart inside the cage,
The heart begain to slow and then the lion was losing his life,
The lion knew his mistake as his heart began to ache,
Hearts are wild creatures that's why they are contained,
And we remember our mistakes as the rain falls down our face.

I open my eyes,
But see as if they were closed,
I felt that I was alone,
Some days my eyes decide to open and allow me to see,
Other days they are kept closed,
I cannot see what you do,
I am not calm or colected,
I am a stained glass painting that has shatterd into millions of pices,
I see that glass,
No one else does,
Because i'm alone trying to glue it back to together,
I see...
Me, In those stained glass walls,
throughout the empty halls,
Maybe one day you'll see me too,
Just as I see you...
I see me in that broken glass,
I see...
something i'm supposed to be,
I see me.